And They Had a Great Fall

Chapter Twenty-One

chapter twenty?one

K at’s heart rate began to slow when she pulled up to Ben’s parents’ house, and Becca came running out. She needed to hold her to quell the panic she’d had her entire journey back to New York. She’d scrambled to take an overnight flight back to New York, landing in the wee hours of the morning.

The conversation she’d had with Linda was on replay in her mind, but she couldn’t decipher Linda’s reaction to the article. She only knew Linda was surprised to see Ben’s name in the press, and that she’d been in Copenhagen for more than work. She was overwhelmed by the guilt of hurting the people who had done the most for her. The entire flight, she’d resigned herself to the realization that she’d taken a vacation from her life, her real life. She berated herself for getting so wrapped up in Jake that she separated her two lives. At some point, they were going to come crashing together, and once again her instincts were right. It never would’ve worked.

Once she’d left Jake, she attacked the problem as systematically as a work project. First, she’d shut down all her social media to keep Becca’s pictures from getting more traction. The one circulated was from four years ago, and that chubby toddler barely resembled the girl she was now. Once her social media was gone, she didn’t have to deal with strangers giving her their opinions about her relationship.

Second, there were the myriad of phone calls from various press outlets, but those were ignored and deleted. Third, she’d spoken to the Path corporate communications team. They were actively involved with press inquiries and working overtime to protect the company from any negative impact. They were not worried about her well-being, only that her actions didn’t impact sales. It had been a tense and transactional discussion.

But none of that mattered now that she had Becca in her arms. She squeezed Becca so tight she exclaimed, “Mommy you are squashing me.” It amazed her how her daughter’s presence melted away the hurt and anxiety she was feeling. Kat loosened her grip but didn’t let go. “We’re watching Little Mermaid … Ariel just got legs … can I go inside now?” Becca protested. Kat let go and Becca ran back inside.

She slipped on her backpack to follow. Linda grabbed Kat’s suitcase before she could protest. Once inside, she couldn’t hold back her emotion any longer. It was more than what happened in Copenhagen.

Her emotions felt out of control as the loss of Ben and the loss of her family simultaneously twisted her gut, head, and heart. The barriers she’d put around herself had kept her from recognizing how lost she really was. Jake had broken down those walls and without them—without him —she felt exposed and raw. She no longer knew her way forward.

Linda dropped her bag in the hall and when she walked back in, Kat choked out, “I am so sorry. After everything you’ve done for me.”

Linda closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around Kat. She let herself relax into Linda’s arms. It was a mother’s touch she’d been missing for so long. Linda released her and motioned for her to sit down. Kat sat down obediently but couldn’t bring herself to speak. She didn’t know what to say. Linda brought Kat a glass of water and sat down across from her.

“Kat, please talk to me. Are you okay?” she asked, and Kat didn’t hear anything other than love. It sprung tears to her eyes. This time, she put her hands over her eyes. She hated crying, especially in front of anyone, but it’s all she’d done in the past twenty-four hours. She shook her head. She was not okay. She didn’t know what to say to fix the situation, so like a broken record, she started, “I’m.…”

“I know,” Linda said with a light chuckle. “Kat, why are you sorry?”

“I didn’t know about the article, and if I had, I never would’ve allowed them to use Ben’s or Becca’s names. I’m sure you have people asking you questions, and I couldn’t even give you a warning. I’m being hounded by the press, by people I don’t even know. The company I work for is angry. This is messy, and I dragged you into it.”

“Meh. This article is just words. On the internet. You kids make so much of things that are in the ether. We’re fine. Just surprised and a little caught off guard. The only people contacting me are my friends. You’ve made me a bit of a celebrity among the over-sixty crowd.” She winked. “Becca? You two can stay here—no one knows you’re here. She doesn’t go to school for another few days, and we’ll see if it’s still a thing by then. I can only imagine how hard it is for you. But you’ve been through worse, and you’ll get through this,” she said in her matter-of-fact tone. “So, tell me, why are you really saying you’re sorry?”

“It’s complicated. I feel … feel …” she said, her voice dropping down to a whisper, “like I cheated on Ben … his memory … or, well.… you …” Her words caught in her throat, so she just stopped talking. She watched Linda suck in a deep breath.

“Kat, I watch you. You are so focused on doing everything right, all the time, that I often wonder, who takes care of you? Are you happy?”

Kat looked up at her, her eyes filling with tears once again. She slowly shook her head. Before Copenhagen, she couldn’t remember a time when she’d been genuinely happy. Sitting there with Linda, she was ready to admit the truth. She wanted to be the woman who held everything together, but her cracks had finally broken wide open.

Linda started, “Honey, you have to let go of all this. I see you working so hard at life. You can’t control every little thing to keep bad things from happening. Bad stuff happens. Unfair things happen. People die before they should. Life is the ultimate mess and if you try staying clean, you lose the joy of that mess.

“I look at Becca,” she mused, “and she approaches everything with anticipatory joy. She finds every little nugget of happiness that can be extracted out of the day. She is so much like Ben. You know, people thought he was fearless because he was a firefighter, but I saw that he was fearless in how he lived his whole life. He pursued joy with abandon and never thought twice about taking a risk, whether physical or emotional. Look at the two of you. He met you and married you after a few months. He didn’t think about if it made sense.”

“Look where it got him,” Kat quipped.

“It got him a wife who adored him and made sure his final days were filled with love. It gave him a daughter, and he got to experience the joy of seeing her take her first breath. Kat, Ben’s fate was sealed when the cancer took hold of his body, and that would have happened with or without you in his life. Yes, we thought he was nuts when he said you two were getting married, but if you hadn’t, think of what his life would have been. He would’ve died without meeting the love of his life and seeing the birth of his child. He would have died only a son. Instead, he died as a husband and a father.”

“It just isn’t fair that he died,” Kat said. Kat felt a lightness take over her body. It feels good to say it , she thought. “It kills me that he isn’t here to watch Becca grow up.” Kat stopped talking as her voice broke. She couldn’t choke out the thoughts coursing through her mind. He would’ve loved dragons and fairy forks. He’d be better at this than me.

“It isn’t fair,” Linda said, breaking into Kat’s thoughts. They were silent, and Linda let out an audible sigh. “We’ve never talked about Ben’s death, but I want to share with you what he told me when he stopped chemo. I wouldn’t recognize it then, but our time with him was measured in days, not weeks.

“He said to me, ‘Mom, I’m sad I’m dying. I’m not afraid, but I’m sad. But I’m not sad about the life I’ve had.’” And with that, Linda’s voice broke. “Kat, he wanted Becca to know the day she was born was the single best day of his life. He wanted us to know her and love her the way that he couldn’t. He asked us to tell her stories about him so she could feel connected to her dad. I think we’ve tried to do that.” Linda paused and Kat nodded.

“You’re wonderful with Becca,” Kat started. “Ben would be very happy.”

Kat watched Linda fight back tears. Linda took a drink of water and continued. “Kat, he also told me something else. I remember the exact phrase,” she said, her voice breaking once again. “‘Don’t let Kat hold on to me for too long. She’s nothing if not determined.’”

Despite herself, Kat choked out a laugh. She could hear his voice in her head, and he was right.

Linda continued, “Ben wanted you to have a happy life. He told me life was too short to live with the dead, and he was afraid you’d do just that.”

Kat couldn’t get any words out. It was just like Ben to know she’d hold on so hard that she’d stop living the day he died. Although technically still breathing, the person she was died that day, too.

“Now it’s my turn to apologize. I’m sorry I never told you,” said Linda. “I saw you struggling and thought if I just supported when you asked, I was doing enough. But I realize now, he was telling me there would be a day when you would want permission to love again. Kat, of course you don’t need permission, but if you’re feeling any guilt and shame about falling in love with someone new, don’t. You’ve always had permission to love again and to fully live your life.”

Kat wiped the tears from her eyes. She was surprised she had any tears left. “Thank-you for telling me,” she said. She realized she had been holding her breath ever since Ben had taken his last. She hadn’t known it, but she did need permission to live after Ben. She’d stopped living that day, focused only on the passage of time through the lens of Becca. Her happiness no longer part of her equation.

At least until Jake. He’d made her feel again. And then he’d broken her.

Linda reached over to take her hand. “Frankly, once I got over the surprise, I couldn’t stop smiling. Running off to Copenhagen for a secret love affair? Ben, always the romantic, would’ve loved that. You’re more like him than you think.”

Kat gave her a half-hearted laugh. “Well, it’s over. So, it’s not quite the fairy tale, it might seem.”

Linda sighed. “I’m sure you had your reasons, and you don’t have to explain them to me. But looking at those pictures, it’s clear there was love and there was joy. And that’s never a waste.”