Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
Emma
I t’s still mostly dark when I open my eyes. I’m confused for a second before I realize why the window is on the wrong wall, why I’m looking up at it, and why my back feels like an elephant stomped on it.
I’m in Maddy’s room. On the floor.
After we left the office yesterday, I took her shopping for her favorite snacks. When I asked her what she wanted, she shrugged at me, eyes darting around like she was seeing a grocery store for the first time. We ended up wandering the snack aisles, me holding things up and her shrugging that tiny shoulder. I could see when she liked something though—the spark in her eyes gave her away—she was just nervous to tell me.
Anxious energy flowed from her all afternoon. At my office, through the grocery store, during the car ride home, while she helped me put away her snacks, and while I showed her my house. The only time it lessened was at the doorway to the room Jeremy and I set up for her. My eyes tear up all over again just thinking about it.
“This is…all mine?”
The hope in her tone and the waver in her voice cracked my heart clean in half.
“It’s yours, Maddy. I set it up just for you.”
“I’ve never had my own room before.”
It was the most words I’d heard her speak all afternoon, and my broken heart broke just a little more.
“You do now. Cindy told me you liked art and dogs, so I put art supplies in your desk for you to play with, and I got you the furriest dog stuffy I could find.”
Her hand snuck back to stroke the ear of the stuffy that was sticking out of her backpack, and I could tell by the gesture that it was her security blanket.
“Maybe he can be friends with the one you already have. Does he have a name?”
“It’s a girl,” she whispered, her eyes glued to the room. “Her name is Kate.”
“That’s a really good name.”
“She makes me feel safe.”
Maddy spent the afternoon drawing and writing in her little notebook and barely speaking unless she had to. At first, I stood in her room, not knowing what to do with myself. But when I saw the glances she kept darting my way, as if to make sure I was still there, I grabbed a book and settled in to read while she explored her desk. Without her saying a word, I knew she wanted the quiet and the company. That’s a combination of desires I deeply understand.
I made macaroni and cheese for dinner, which she silently picked at. When it was time to get ready for bed, I sat on her bed while she took a shower and brushed her teeth. She said she could do it herself, her independence showing me just how much she has had to do on her own, likely not able to rely on the adults in her life to help her much.
I vowed to change that. To turn her back into the kind of seven-year-old who needs an adult to tell her the shampoo is out of her hair and that she hasn’t brushed her teeth for long enough, and who protests bedtime instead of quietly getting under the covers with her book on her lap and a stuffed dog under each arm.
I asked her if she wanted me to read with her and she shook her head again, her eyes on the pages of Harry Potter , lips moving while she sounded out the words. Ten minutes later she was asleep with the book on her chest. I closed it and put it on her nightstand, then tucked her in and sat on the edge of the bed.
As I looked at her, clad in pajamas covered in puppy dogs, her face more relaxed in sleep than I had seen it all day, a fierce protectiveness expanded in my chest. I wanted to wrap this little girl up in my arms and promise that nothing would ever hurt her again. I wanted to give her a home and a family and permanence in her life and her favorite snacks in the cabinet every single day. I didn’t know how long I would have with her, but I would give her as much of that as I could, every day she was with me.
Not wanting to leave her alone in case she woke up in the middle of the night, I made a bed on the floor of her room and slept there. And now I lay in the dim early morning light, my brain buzzing with all the different ways I can reach Maddy. Pull her out of her shell a little bit. Show her it’s okay to ask for things and need things and not want to be alone. If there’s one thing I’m sure of, it’s that she wanted to tell me what her favorite snacks were. She wanted me to keep her company and help her with her shower and read with her before bed. She just didn’t know how to ask.
I want to teach her how.
My body is exhausted from a night on the floor, but my brain is going a thousand miles a minute. I wonder idly if this is what parents perpetually feel like. No wonder every parent I know is so damn tired all the time.
The blankets rustle above me, and I sit up just in time to see Maddy do the same, her red hair a tangle around her face. She rubs her eyes and looks down at me.
“Did you sleep here?” she asks, her voice scratchy from sleep.
“Morning, Maddy. I did sleep here.”
“But why? You have a bed.”
“I thought you might want the company. The first night in a new place can be scary, and I wanted to be close by in case you woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t want to be alone.”
Her little eyebrows draw together as she studies me. Her freckled nose scrunches up, and I can practically see the wheels turning in her head.
“That’s the kind of thing a mom would do.”
I choose my words very carefully, wanting her to keep talking to me. “I think maybe it is. But I haven’t had a mom for a long time.”
“Did she die?” I take a quiet breath at her nonchalant question.
“She did. When I was eight.”
“My mom died too, when I was born. I didn’t know her so I don’t know if she would have slept on the floor of my room if I was scared.”
“I bet she would have. All the moms I know would do anything for their kids.”
“You slept on my floor.”
I nod. “I did.”
“But you’re not my mom.”
I reach up slowly and put my hand on hers. It’s the first time I’ve touched her like this and I’m cautious, watching her closely for signs that she doesn’t like it, but I see none.
“I’m not your mom, Maddy, but I would really like to be your friend. I think this is the kind of thing friends would do for each other too.”
“Okay,” she says, her lips curling up in a small smile.
“Okay.” I smile back at her and give her hand a little squeeze.
“Now, how about breakfast? We’re going to your new school this morning to meet your teacher, and I think we definitely need a good breakfast first.”
She nods, and, with her hand still in mine, we get up to start our day.
How is it possible that every single elementary school smells the same? It’s been almost two decades since I’ve set foot in an elementary school and I’ve never been in this one, yet I know this smell.
It’s so weird.
Maddy’s little hand is in mine while we make our way to the office. After waffles for breakfast that she only kind of ate, we went back upstairs to get dressed. Maddy had the suitcase she brought with her sitting open on the floor, and when I suggested we unpack it and put her clothes in the dresser, she just shook her head and dug through it to pick her outfit.
Every article of clothing she brought is colorful and sparkly, but there isn’t all that much of it. I make a mental note to ask Molly if she’ll take Maddy shopping for school clothes. It would mean I get to skip the crowded mall, which is basically my worst nightmare, and Maddy gets to spend time with her sister in sparkles. Win, win.
The long hallway of the elementary school is covered in brightly colored bulletin boards. Two weeks into the school year, the boards hold a mass of artwork and pictures of smiling kids and posters decorated with the kids’ hopes and dreams for the coming year. The school radiates happiness, and I hope Maddy will be happy here too.
I steel myself as I push open the door to the office. I’m not great at meeting strangers outside of work under the best of circumstances. Meeting strangers as the person responsible for the care and well-being of a child?
I’m out of my depth.
Which is why I feel a tidal wave of relief that the first face I see is a familiar one.
“Emma!” Before I’m even through the door to the office, Jen Casey wraps me in a tight hug. Jen was a long-time client of Hallie’s when Hallie was still an estate planning attorney and doing family law on the side. Hallie helped Jen and her husband Eric through the fostering and eventual adoption of their daughter Maya. It was a years-long process, and through Hallie, we all became friendly with Jen and Eric and were thrilled for them when the adoption was finalized last year, just before Hallie and Ben got together and Hallie made the switch to family law full time.
“It’s so great to see you, Jen. I completely forgot you taught here.”
“Not only do I teach here, but I teach second grade. I heard I have a brand-new friend joining my class this year.”
She crouches down so she’s eye level with Maddy, who is still clinging to my hand, head swiveling as she studies the office.
“You must be Maddy.”
Maddy nods her head, turning her attention to Jen.
“I’m so happy to meet you.” She speaks softly, eyes steady on Maddy’s.
“I’m Ms. Casey, and I’ll be your teacher this year. I also have a daughter who is just a little older than you are. She came to live with me a few years ago just like you’re living with Emma. Her name is Maya, and I know she would love to play with you when you’re ready.”
Maddy doesn’t respond, but her attention is glued to Jen.
“Second grade is so much fun. What’s your favorite thing to do?”
Maddy’s hand tightens on mine, like she’s steeling herself to speak. “I like to draw,” she says quietly. “And I like books, but I’m not so good at reading yet.”
Jen smiles at her. “I love books too. I’m looking forward to reading with you. There is a lot of reading practice in second grade. I know Emma loves to read too, so I bet you guys can read together at home.”
Maddy looks up at me and I nod, smiling.
“And we have art class three times a week, so you’ll get a lot of time to draw.”
Jen looks up as the office door opens and a blonde woman who looks to be in her mid-twenties walks in. She’s wearing a dress covered in butterflies, and enameled caterpillars hang from her ears. Whoever she is, she was born to be a teacher.
She beams a smile at Maddy and crouches down next to Jen.
“Are you Maddy?”
Maddy nods again, a smile playing at her lips.
“I’m Ms. Cara, and I’ll be one of your teachers too. I am so excited you’ll be joining our class.”
She leans in closer to Maddy and lowers her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. “Don’t tell anyone I told you this, but 2B is the best class in the whole school.”
“I like your earrings.”
Maddy’s voice is quiet, but no longer a whisper.
“Ms. Cara has the coolest earrings in the whole school,” says Jen. “The kids in our class like to guess which ones she’s going to wear every day. Maddy, do you think you would feel comfortable going with Ms. Cara for a little bit while I talk to Emma?”
“Okay,” Maddy says, turning her attention to Cara.
“Great!” Cara says brightly, standing and holding out her hand to Maddy, who takes it easily. “We’re going to take a tour of the school so you can see all the awesome things we have going on here. Then, we’ll come right back here, and Emma will be waiting for you.”
Maddy looks up at me. “You’ll stay here?”
My chest tightens at her words. Too many people have left this little girl. I lean down so I can look her in the eyes.
“I’ll stay right here, I promise. I’m not going anywhere else. I’ll be waiting for you when you come back, okay?”
She nods. “Okay.”
She leaves with Cara, and I stand up straight, rubbing a hand over my chest. My emotions must show all over my face because Jen gives me a look filled with empathy and gestures towards an empty office.
“We can talk in there.”
We each take one of the chairs sitting in front of the desk and it’s silent for a beat before Jen speaks.
“How’s it going?”
I dig into my purse and pull out a bag of pretzel M&M’s, tossing a couple into my mouth while I consider my answer. I know I can be real with Jen. She’s been here before. So, I blow out a breath and say the thing I’ve been thinking since Maddy first walked into my life twenty-four hours ago.
“I have no idea if I’m doing this right.”
“You are.” Jen’s voice is authoritative and absolutely certain.
“How can you be so sure?”
“I saw the way she looked up at you. She trusts you, as much as a child who has been through what she has trusts anyone. Just keep doing whatever it is you’re doing. And if you need anything, don’t hesitate to call me. I’ve been exactly where you are.”
“Thanks, Jen. I’m really glad you’re her teacher. Fun coincidence.”
Jen laughs a little and shakes her head. “Not a coincidence at all. Hallie. She called the school first thing yesterday morning. Maddy had just been enrolled and Hallie requested that she be put in my class because I have experience with kids placed in foster homes, and I know you.”
I take a deep breath to try and control the emotion pushing up my throat.
“It’s okay,” Jen says quietly, leaning forward to put her hand on mine. “It’ll be like this for the first little while. The emotion comes in waves. It’s a remarkable thing you’re doing, but it’s hard. It’s okay to think that and to say it too. Lean on your friends and accept as much help as you feel like you need. When it comes to Maddy, just be there. It takes time and patience, but she’ll start to warm up to you.”
“Thanks, Jen. I needed to hear that.”
“I’ll tell you as many times as you need. Now, we probably have fifteen or so minutes before Cara brings Maddy back from their tour. What’s going on with you guys? Give me the gossip.”
It feels good to laugh after the intensity of the last thirty-six hours. “There’s not much gossip to tell. Hallie is planning her wedding, Julie is happily married to a very hot and extremely cheerful former football player, I suddenly have a seven-year-old to take care of, and Molly continues to be…Molly.”
“It’s still hard to believe Julie married Asher Hansley.”
“He’s the best thing to ever happen to her. She’s still herself, but she’s lighter with him. It’s really nice to see.” My heart warms at the thought of my friend finding her forever love.
“So…Hallie and Ben and Julie and Asher. What about you and Molly? Any men in your lives?”
Jeremy’s face immediately floods my brain. I feel my cheeks heat, and Jen doesn’t miss it.
“Oh my god, there’s someone.”
“It’s nothing.” I try to wave it away, but Jen isn’t having it.
“Oh, come on. I may spend my days around seven-year-olds, but I know what’s going on in a woman’s head when her face looks like yours does right now.”
Unused to sharing with anyone who isn’t Hallie, Julie, or Molly, I hesitate, but then think, what the hell .
“I’ve had a couple of…moments with Jeremy over the past couple weeks.”
Jen stares at me. “Jeremy.”
“Yes.”
“Like, Jeremy Wright, former hockey player and current philanthropist with dark swoony eyes and a hockey butt and thighs I want to bite despite being out of the game for more than a decade?”
I snort out a laugh. “Aren’t you married?”
“Happily, but if you can’t appreciate thighs and a butt like Jeremy’s, you might as well be dead.”
“I’m definitely not dead,” I mutter, now battling back an image of the aforementioned hockey butt on display while Jeremy bent over to install a screw in the desk he built for Maddy.
“Ohmygod,” Jen squeals. “You like him.”
“I don’t know about that.”
I definitely like him . More than like him, probably.
“Tell that to your face. Now, tell me everything.”
So, I do.
“Can I go draw in my room?” Maddy asks as we walk into the house.
She’s worn out. Her new school had a lot of people and faces and noise, and I can tell she needs a break. Hell, I do too. Looks like I may have a fellow introvert on my hands.
“Of course you can. Do you want me to come with you?”
She shakes her head, and I see that she means it.
“Call me if you need me, okay? I’m going to make dinner.”
“Okay.” She turns and walks quietly up the stairs. I find myself hoping for a day that she stampedes up them.
Grabbing my phone out of my bag, I turn it on and see Jeremy’s name on the screen. My heart gallops. He’s been in the back of my mind constantly since the other night, and especially since I talked to Jen earlier today. I kind of hope that maybe I’ve been on Jeremy’s too.
Jeremy
How’s it going Ems?
Me
Okay, I think? It’s hard to say. She’s quiet. Like, really quiet. I can tell she sees everything, but she doesn’t say much.
It’s hard for her to be in another new place.
He says it so matter-of-factly, because of course he does. He knows just what it’s like to be in another new home. Another new bed. New people taking care of you.
I know it is. The school visit today went pretty well. I’m trying to give her some space to sort out her feelings but also let her know she can talk to me if she wants. It’s the best I can do.
That’s exactly the right thing to do. You care, Ems, and that’s huge.
Thanks. Now if I could only get her to eat more than two bites of a meal.
She’s not eating?
She is, but not much. I tried mac and cheese last night for dinner, waffles for breakfast, and peanut butter and jelly for lunch, and she didn’t seem to hate it, but she didn’t eat much of it either.
What’s for dinner tonight?
No clue. I was about to figure it out. We just got home.
Does Maddy have any food allergies?
Weird question but no.
Okay, I have an idea. You up for a visitor?
I set down my phone and think about it. After watching how carefully Jeremy helped me set up Maddy’s room, I know he cares about her already and hasn’t even met her yet. The more people she has to care about her while she’s here the better, right?
And as much as I would like to say it’s all about Maddy, it’s about me too. Because the thought of Jeremy here in my space again has my stomach coming alive with nerves and butterflies. I want to see him. Even after a day full of people and noise when I would typically pick up a book and relish in my alone time, I find I quite like the idea of him here too.
Decision made, I pick up my phone and unlock it.
Me
Sure, come on over.