Chapter 32
32
Olivia
The past few weeks have passed by in a haze, like some sort of fog has set in over me and I’m navigating the world, unable to shake it off. Ever since Ian released his story the entire campus seems to tip-toe around me, but I still hear their whispers, feel their stares wrap around my body. Ian was able to dig up more than I could’ve imagined. Reading the intimate details of Lily and Will’s relationship was like a knife to the heart, but even worse were the photos.
My best friend glistening next to Will on the beach; Lily standing next to Will; Ben and their parents at a home I’ve never been to, Will’s home. The betrayal has been this ever crushing force in my life since the story dropped and I can’t help but wonder: would she have told me?
I haven’t seen Ben since I told him I needed space, but I’m not sure if there’s enough space in the world to help me move on from this, because somehow his deception hurts the most. I allowed myself to fall so quickly with him and part of that was because I thought he was different. Like he was someone who finally saw me and would actually do whatever they could to keep me from getting hurt. The thought of him is a constant weight on my heart, so heavy that my every thought seems to have slowed down. It’s hard when the person who hurt you the most also seems to be the only person who could make you feel better. I find myself craving his touch, his words, his attention and quickly have to push those feelings away. He lied to me.
My phone dings for the hundredth time with a text from Sloane. Now that the entire campus knows about this deranged love triangle, I’ve basically become a hermit. I’ve been bunkering down in my apartment, only leaving for baked goods and McDonald’s Diet Coke. I plan to stay here until I can leave for Thanksgiving break next week and I definitely don’t plan to see anyone.
My phone chimes again.
Sloane
I’m at your door!
I haphazardly read the text while pouring brownie batter into a pan. I freeze upon seeing it, catching my reflection in the mirror above my kitchen table. I look like someone who just got their heartbroken. My hair is tied up in the same bun it’s been in for two days and I’m wearing a ratty crewneck that I stole from Lily our sophomore year of high school.
I don’t know why I’m even the slightest bit surprised– it was only a matter of time. Sloane’s been threatening me with a drop-in since the story broke. I assume Grant has some involvement in this, meaning Ben has some involvement in this. I feel my heartbeat just a little faster at the mere thought of him wanting to keep tabs on me. I put the bowl in the sink, quickly rinsing off my hands and trying to retie my hair so it looks at least slightly better. I’ve found that if I think about Ben for longer than a few seconds it makes me entirely useless the rest of the day. I walk to the front door drying my hands on the gray sweats I’m wearing. I look through the peephole and, sure enough, there’s Sloane.
Sloane is one of those girls you try to emulate but ultimately fall short. She’s breathtaking to say the least but in that care-free, cool girl way that makes you want her to like you, while simultaneously making you want to be her. Her hair is also thrown up in a messy bun, but where mine looks haphazard and greasy, her’s looks like the poster child of the messy bun, the one they base messy bun tutorials off of. I’m about to throw the door open when I see another person behind her. Dark curls spill over a light blue crewneck and I instantly realize it’s Gen. Suddenly, I feel somewhat self conscious. This weird truce is fairly new and she’s never been in my apartment, much less seen me in less than pristine condition. I chew on my lip, debating just ignoring the ongoing dinging coming from my phone and pretending I’m not here.
“I can hear your phone, O!” Sloane yells behind the door.
My face flushes. I’ve never hung out with Sloane one on one, so how familiar she’s acting is catching me a little off guard. I glance at my kitchen counter spotting the photo of Lily and I. I grind my teeth at the thought of her, at this massive betrayal that she doesn’t even know she caused. But there’s something else too. Outside of all the lies my best friend left in her wake, there’s this loneliness I can’t explain, like a gaping wound that I’ve covered up a thousand times, refusing to heal. The wound that’s kept me from moving on, starting new friendships, finding a route outside of the one I drew up with Lily in mind. I take a deep breath in through my nose and decide to open the door.
“Finally,” Sloane gasps, as if she’s been without food or water for days instead of standing outside my door for a few minutes.
She barrels past me into my disaster of a living room and kicks off her shoes, plopping down on the couch. It takes a special kind of person to be this instantly comfortable in front of new people, in new places, and I envy her. Behind me Gen subtly clears her throat. She’s shrugging off her coat, trying to hold the two bottles of rosé she brought.
“Oh, um let me help you,” I say, grabbing the bottles as she gives me a timid smile in thanks. I give her one back and can’t help but think how different this exchange would’ve been just a couple weeks ago. She hangs her coat on the rack in the entryway and then meagerly moves toward the coach, sitting a few feet away from Sloane and gracefully tucking her legs under her.
I set the wine down on the coffee table then make my way to the kitchen to grab glasses. I can hear Sloane and Gen whispering in the living room.
“Stop being so awkward,” Sloane whisper shouts to Gen.
“I’m not!” Gen whisper shouts back.
I come back into the living room three glasses in hand.
“So I’m assuming this is some sort of wellness check?” My tone is dry as I pour the wine into each glass.
“You could say that,” Sloane responds, grabbing the first glass eagerly. “I mean you’ve basically been ignoring me all week.” I think back to the dozens of texts from Sloane and give her an awkward smile. “It’s fine,” Sloane says dramatically, “I know you're heartbroken or whatever.”
I sigh, handing Gen a glass, who is nervously biting the inside of her cheek. I sit in one of the large sage tweed lounge chairs that sit facing the couch and stare into my champagne thinking of how to respond.
“Are you okay?” I’m surprised to hear the shy kindness and real concern in Gen’s tone. I look at her and I can see she’s being genuine.
“Honestly,” I say, sipping from my glass. “Not really.” Gen nods, and Sloane makes a wincing face.
“Yeah Grant’s, pissed,” Sloane says, swirling the wine in her glass. “Apparently, he had no clue.” I can see Gen straighten a little at the mention of Grant’s name which surprisingly makes me want to smile.
“Well he’s not the only one,” I mumble into my glass. I down the rest of the champagne.
“Are you going home?” Gen asks, looking at the open suitcases haphazardly filled with sweaters and toiletries.
“Just for the break,” I say. “I’ll be at my dad’s in Nantucket.”
Sloane’s eyebrows shoot up. “Isn’t Nantucket a little… cold?”
I let out a small laugh which seems to relax both Sloane and Gen’s posture slightly. “A little.”
I refill my glass and Sloane’s with the bottle of wine on the coffee table. Gen sips hers primly and I realize I’ve never seen her actually finish a drink other than that night at the Gala.
“I have seltzer if you prefer that.” She looks relieved.
“Yes, is it in the fridge? I’ll grab it.”
She shoots up moving toward the kitchen but stops when she sees the photo of Lily on the counter. It’s just for a second, but I notice how she shakes it off before opening the fridge.
“Look— I would ask if you’ve spoken to Ben but seeing as I’m literally living with my brother right now I basically know everything about that situation and I simply will not be discussing the nightmare that is Will Chapman with either of you.” Sloane glances at me and then Gen pointedly. I raise my eyebrows not really surprised at Sloane’s blunt remark. In fact it’s kind of funny, and I feel myself smile before I can stop it.
“Thank you,” I say, feeling more relieved than I expected. I really don’t want to rehash the same details that have been running through my brain the past few weeks. Especially considering that these two probably have more details than I do. Sloane nods.
“The reason I’ve brought the three of us together today, or rather bombarded Olivia with our presence, is that I have literally no friends here and will likely be staying for the foreseeable future. And… not to sound insulting but, I noticed both of you are in dire need of female friends.” She glances around and I snort a laugh which causes a small smile from Gen. “Great, I’m glad you all agree.” Sloane tilts her glass as if to cheers clearly satisfied with herself. “On that note, I’m thinking pizza and a true crime documentary? I would normally recommend rom-coms, but that feels maybe not the vibe right now.”
I laugh, feeling levity for the first time in weeks. “Yeah I definitely would prefer something centering around feminine rage.” Gen lets out a true laugh at this and I smile at her while handing Sloane the TV remote.
We settle in after ordering a large cheese pizza and picking Charlize Theron’s Monster , which ended up being the only female serial killer film available– go figure. We’re all snuggled into the couch, Gen and Sloane rattling on about whether they would’ve fell into Ted Bundy’s trap, and I realize just how comfortable I feel in this moment. I haven’t really felt this at ease with a group of women since Lily passed.
For the longest time it felt like filling the void she left with another friend would be a betrayal to her, but seeing how much she hid from me, my guilt seems to have dissipated. As if all this heartbreak has finally made me realize what I actually deserve, and it isn’t the isolation Lily left me in.