Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 5

5

Ciaron

I n the privacy of an alcove, Taylor crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes at me. “How long has this been going on?”

I stopped myself from letting out a huff. She’d been in a mood since we’d spoken to Carla. I’d told her about Isabelle on numerous occasions. It’s not my fault she’d paid no attention. “All year.”

“Do the kids know?”

I frowned. “Well, it’s no secret.”

She took a step back. Her breathing was ragged. “They know about you and Carla?”

I shrugged and shook my head. “Why wouldn’t they know?”

“I don’t know. Maybe out of respect for me.”

She couldn’t be serious, could she? One glance at her flattened lips told me she was. My vision blurred as rage pulsed in my veins. I dragged her into an empty classroom off the alcove. “What the hell are you talking about? Respect? Your daughter was struggling and all you can think about is yourself. How about some fucking respect for her? Maybe pretend to care a little bit.”

She glared at me. If looks could kill, I’d be dead. “It’s a bit hard not to think about myself when everyone knew you were having an affair except for me.”

I was ready to give her a piece of my mind about being a crappy parent, but stopped when I registered what she said. “A—what? An affair?”

“You and Carla.”

“We’re not having an affair.”

“Then why did you meet with her?”

“So we could go through the material Isabelle was learning. So I could help our daughter. Something you couldn’t care less about.”

Taylor stared at me, her eyes calculating.

I matched her glare. Fuck being polite. I’d put up with a lot during our marriage, but I wasn’t putting up with diddly squat anymore.

“The question is why you didn’t bother helping our daughter? Oh, that’s right, you were too fucking busy.” My voice was raised, and I didn’t care. I pointed my finger at her. “You think so little of me that you think I would have an affair?” I threw my hands into the air. “Even worse, you think your children would be OK with that?”

Taylor looked down at her feet. “No, of course not.” She lifted her gaze. Tears welled in her eyes. What the fuck? One minute she was ready to kill me and the next she’s crying?

“Well, you just fucking accused us of it.”

“I’m sorry, Ciaron. I know you wouldn’t do that.” She took a trembling breath. “But I didn’t think you’d leave me either.”

I ran my hand through my hair. “I didn’t have much choice.” My voice was calmer now. Surprising, since my stomach was twisted in knots and my heart pounded as I went from disbelief to anger to pain over and over again.

She nodded. Is that all she had for me? Was she conceding she was in the wrong? Did she understand why I’d chosen to leave? Here we were, back to no communication. A marriage couldn’t survive like this. That’s why it hadn’t.

I was struggling; my fists were clenched at my side. If it wasn’t for the kids, I would have told her to fuck off and walked away.

I ran my hand through my hair. If I didn’t want the lack of communication to continue, I would need to do something about it, starting now. “I don’t want to be those parents, Taylor. The ones who can’t even be civil.”

She inclined her chin. “Neither do I.”

“I did try to tell you about Isabelle. But your focus was the farm.”

“Yes.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. Was this finally sinking in? If it was, it was too late.

“The kids are waiting for us,” I said, making my way to the door.

Taylor followed.

This night wasn’t about Taylor and me. It was about the kids. I moved what had happened to the back of my thoughts and smiled as Isabelle and Callum met us at the door of the lounge.

“Looks like I owe you pizza.” I hugged Isabelle’s shoulders. “You did it, kiddo.” I grinned at Callum. “It seems that lunch isn’t your favourite subject, after all.”

Callum smirked. “Who would have thought a budding young scientist could come from you two?”

Taylor poked him in the ribs. “You know, producing good horses isn’t just luck. There’s a science behind it.”

“If you say so.” He walked down the corridor. “Pizza will wait for no man.”

Taylor and Isabelle followed. I stayed close behind and listened as Taylor told Isabelle how proud she was of her. The perk in Isabelle’s step was all the reward I needed at that moment.

The fun banter didn’t stop all the way to the restaurant and while we waited for our food. I was grateful. Because every time there was a lull in the conversation, I thought about the argument with Taylor and what she’d accused me of.

“What are you doing in science next semester?” I asked Callum.

“Genetics.”

Isabelle laughed. “You and Mum can be mad scientists together.”

I grinned at Isabelle. “It would be a horse-dirt bike mashup.”

She spoke directly to me like Taylor and Callum weren’t even there. “Maybe a self-washing one. Then we won’t have to listen to them complain about how dirty it is.”

“And it would do roll backs, go at the exact right speed and jump on command,” I added.

“My bike does that,” Callum said.

“Myrtle does that,” Taylor said.

Myrtle, Taylor’s horse, did nothing on command. The kids and I laughed so hard tears were running down Isabelle’s face. Taylor sat there stone faced.

I tried to compose myself. “Only if you don’t tell her to,” I managed to say between gulps of air.

“She has personality,” Taylor stated.

“She’s as stubborn as a mule,” I said.

Isabelle said, “Don’t animals take after their owners?”

The kids and I looked at each other and started a fresh round of laughter. Taylor’s lips quirked. “Laugh as much as you want. But we all know Myrtle would beat your dad’s horse any day.”

This. This is what I missed. Us enjoying our company—talking and laughing together as a family. But even though I was enjoying this time together, it didn’t matter. What had happened earlier proved that we were beyond repair. Taylor accusing me of cheating was a low blow. I would never cheat.

My father had been in and out of jail since I was a kid and had cheated on my mother the whole time. And she on him. To say that to me…to accuse me of that…my chest ached as another piece of my heart was destroyed. Taylor, my once in a lifetime love, no longer loved me.

She knew I never wanted to be anything like my parents. They didn’t even know the meaning of faithful. I’d never looked at another woman after I’d met Taylor. I didn’t need to; she was all I wanted, all I needed.

My stomach was as heavy as lead. Twenty-two years of our lives together and she didn’t even know me. Either that or she’d said it to hurt me. May as well give me lead boots to go with that lead in my stomach.

I inhaled slowly to calm my nerves. I guess I’d had this sliver of hope up until that moment. Fucking hell. I’d even thought about our first kiss after our lips touched in the corridor. But no more. I lay my hands on top of my thighs to stop the shaking. Hearts break every day and people get over it. I would too, in time.

As we ate, Isabelle and Callum were having some secret conversation. They’d been doing that a lot lately. Is that something kids learnt to do when their parents separated? Perhaps it was a coping mechanism as they learnt to trust what their new life was becoming. Maybe they took solace in each other.

Isabelle showed Callum her phone. He smirked.

“Is there something you’d like to share with us?” I asked.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Isabelle said.

I did not like the sound of that. Their coping mechanism better not extend to causing some sort of trouble as they pitted themselves against us. I was not in the mood for some kid-made war. I had enough trouble keeping my feelings straight where their mother was concerned. The roller coaster of feelings didn’t stop once you said enough and broke up. I didn’t know if it was ever going to stop.

I’d heard people say that you were finally ready to move on once you had no feelings left for your ex-partner. Those feelings could be hurt, anger, love, whatever. The feelings were exhausting. How much longer would I have them now that I knew there was no hope?