Back in the Saddle (Diamond Firetail Farm)

Chapter 15

15

Ciaron

I turned off my computer and stood up. The kids would be home soon, and I was looking forward to spending time with them and Mam. Taylor came into my office and sat in one of the chairs. Her palms lay flat on top of her thighs. What was she about to tell me? I clenched my jaw and sat back down.

“I was thinking.” Taylor paused and looked at the ceiling before returning her gaze to me.

Whatever she was thinking must have been hard for her. My shoulders tensed as I waited.

“Maybe we don’t need to be on call every night this season. Maybe we can share with Rachel. It’s time she had more responsibility. She has earned it and I trust her. Being on call and call outs during the season are part of her management contract. We should start utilising it.” It all came rushing out like she wanted to say it before she could take it back.

I opened my mouth.

“I know it sort of goes against what I said to your mam about us needing to be here. But, we will still be here; we live here. Rachel can call us if she needs to. But we don’t need to be first people the night watch call. We can do week on/week off with her.” She stopped talking and stared at me, her brown eyes wide. Had she really said that? All of that? I waited to make sure she was finished.

“You’ve never wanted to relinquish control before,” I said.

“I know,” she said quietly.

“So what’s changed?”

“A lot. Everything. I don’t want to lose you, Ciaron.”

I took a deep breath in. Was that the only reason? It was a good one from my selfish point of view, but fear wasn’t a sustainable reason.

I shifted in my seat. “OK”

“We can’t continue this way, Ciaron. Not you, me or the kids. I miss so much time with you all, I may as well not even be part of the family.” She sighed. “Like Callum. He hasn’t been riding lately. This morning I noticed his bike sitting near the shed.”

“It’s broken. Vet Dan said he will try to help me fix it. His son is a bike mechanic.”

“I should know these things,” she said.

These were the words I’d wanted to hear for so long. But could she actually do it? Change her whole way of being?

“Rachel has worked hard for this. It’s not fair to hold her back.” She paused. Was she waiting for me to say I told you so? I had no words. And if I did, they wouldn’t be the ones I’d choose.

She moved forward in her chair, her eyes searching my face. “I know you’ve been telling me this for years. I’m sorry I didn’t listen.”

I nodded. I needed to be honest with her now that she was listening. How could we work through things if we hid our thoughts and feelings? And that’s one thing I needed to change. I needed to be braver and speak my mind. I had, for many years I had. And then as the drought set in and Taylor started spending less time with us, I felt like I’d lost my voice.

I stood and moved around to the front of the desk and sat on the edge. “I’m worried that you’re saying all of this because my mother is here. That it won’t last in the long term.”

Taylor held my gaze as she stood and moved in close. “Maybe it was the wake up call I needed. Maybe it made me think about what I was doing wrong.”

I reached for her hands and held them tight. Hers were clammy. Fuck, this was scary. I’d moved halfway around the world for her without even the slightest hesitation. We’d been together for over twenty years. I knew how good it could be, but I also knew how bad. If this didn’t work, bad could be worse. But if I didn’t try, why did I get married in the first place? Through the good and bad, right?

She smiled. “Maybe Mum telling me to pull my head out of my arse helped.”

I laughed.

She moved in closer, nudging her way between my legs. “So, the other night when we were reminiscing with the kids, you skimmed over our first kiss.”

Heat travelled through me. This is not how I imagined this meeting going.

“There are some things our children don’t need to hear,” I said.

“Maybe we should recreate it.”

“Are you feeling cold?” My voice was husky.

I pulled her in closer. She wrapped her arms around my neck. As soon as our lips met, I was lost in her like I’d been that first day. Our lips moved in unison; every movement was more desperate than the last. I grabbed her arse, pulling her closer at the same time I pushed my hard dick against her. I wanted her more today than I had that first day. Because today I knew exactly what it felt like when I was inside her. And fuck, it was good.

I slipped my tongue in, probing hers. Her moan vibrated through me. I untucked her shirt and my hands slid up her back to her bra which I unclasped in record time. I ran my right hand under the material, moving it around to the front, finding her breast and squeezing it. Taylor’s lips paused. She gasped, and I captured her rushed breath with my mouth. My dick got harder. I didn’t even know it was possible.

“Taylor,” I murmured. There were more words running around my head like wild horses but I couldn’t catch them.

She pulled away. Her breaths were shaky. “I don’t remember you doing that the first time.”

“I wanted to see if perfection could be improved upon.”

She stepped away. Her face was flushed as she did her bra up and tucked her shirt back in.

I raised my eyebrows. “Well?”

“It’s fair to say my panties are wet.” She looked between my legs at my obvious hard on and smirked. “I don’t need to ask if it was good for you.”

“I wonder what else we can improve upon.”

It had been a long time since we’d been intimate, months before our breakup. I was lonely in the marriage and lonely in bed.

“I wonder.” She spun around and walked out, right through the open door. A millisecond later she reappeared and with a sultry smile, said, “I look forward to it.”

I met the kids as they pulled into the carport.

“Is she here?” Isabelle asked as she threw her door open.

I nodded. “Aye. Inside, ready and waiting.”

She yanked her bag out of the backseat and rushed off ahead. Callum soon followed.

“Isabelle. Callum,” Mam called out in her strong Dublin accent.

“Mamo,” Isabelle said as she embraced her.

Mam grabbed Callum and pulled him into their hug. She drew away and studied them both, smoothing down their hair. “It has been too long. You look prettier in person.” She brushed her fingers across Callum’s cheeks. “You have freckles like your mother.”

“It’s all the sun,” Isabelle joked. “Not like Ireland.”

Mam looked out the window. “It’s not that warm here today.”

Callum laughed. “It’s the middle of winter.”

“Aye. Tell me everything. How is school? What are you studying? How are your horses?”

They sat down beside each other on the couch. I made some coffees and hot chocolate and sat down opposite them. I had to give Taylor credit; she may not have gotten on that well with Mam, but she never did anything to change the kids’ perception. She let them have the relationship they needed with her.

“Where’s Taylor?” Mam asked.

Isabelle looked down at her feet. It wasn’t only me Taylor had to prove herself to. Mam glanced at her sideways.

“She’ll be here soon. She’s gone to see if Lorraine can help tomorrow so the kids and I can spend the day with you.”

Mam beamed. Isabelle lifted her eyes, and I gave her a reassuring smile. As we talked, I glanced at my watch. Taylor was later than I expected. Perhaps she’d got caught up at work. It wouldn’t be the first time. When I heard her car pull up and her laughing with Lorraine, my shoulders relaxed. Isabelle was the same. She had been listening and waiting the whole time.

Taylor and Lorraine walked in. Lorraine went to the kitchen with a casserole dish. “We’ve made dinner.”

That explained Taylor’s delayed return. I stood and led the way to the dining table. As Taylor sat beside me, I wanted to lean over to give her a kiss but I restrained myself. I couldn’t let the kids see it yet. They watched us all through dinner and spoke quietly together at times. I didn’t know if that was because they were seeing changes in Taylor and me and the way we interacted, or they were planning another surprise they shouldn’t be.

Mam was yawning by the end of dinner. I drove her and Lorraine home. I was tired too, but at the same time I was anxious about the conversation I needed to have with Taylor. I had no idea how she was going to react. This would be another conversation we’d have in the safety of darkness.

I hopped into bed and stared up at the ceiling. “Mam was excited that I’m spending the day with her tomorrow. Thank you.”

Taylor turned her face to me. “You’re welcome.”

I continued to stare at the ceiling. Moonlight filtered in around the curtains, so it wasn’t pitch black. I took a deep breath in and out. I didn’t know where to start.

“Thank you for coming home early.”

“That’s what spending more time with you all means.”

Was she being flippant?

“When we were waiting for you, Mam asked where you were, and Isabelle didn’t know what to say.”

Taylor was still facing me in the darkness. “What did you say?”

“That you were rearranging your day for tomorrow.” I closed my eyes. This wasn’t what I was expecting. This shouldn’t be about what I’d said, but about how the kids were feeling. I needed to get that message across. “I think maybe you should speak to the kids. Tell them that you’re going to start trying to spend more time at home.”

“OK.” The word was drawn out. I couldn’t tell if she was considering what I said or if she was being defensive. “I guess that’s a good idea.”

That was positive.

I didn’t know how long it was going to take for us to get back to a place of talking without fear. From the day we’d met, we’d spoken so openly. We’d never hedged our words, but as we’d drifted apart, the words became harder to say. I thought marriage was supposed to take those barriers away. It probably did for most people.

I relaxed a little. “I think it will help them see that you’re making an effort.” Shit, did that sound bad? Might as well get the rest out in the open: be brave. “It might be a good idea not to tell them we are trying to work things out. I don’t want to raise their expectations or confuse them.”

She stiffened. “Don’t you think we can?”

Of course, I did. But one mind-blowing kiss wasn’t going to miraculously fix things, nor were promises we made to each other. We’d made those same promises twenty-two years ago and then we’d fallen apart.

“I think we should take our time,” I said. “We didn’t get to where we are overnight. We don’t need the extra pressure of their expectations.”

“So you think we can?” Her voice was small, uncertain. A tone I hadn’t heard since the day we’d met.

I reached out and grabbed her hand. I faced her then so she could see my truth. “Nothing would make me happier.”

She smiled. “I love you, Ciaron. I never stopped. I just forgot to show it.”

And that wasn’t entirely on her.

“Me too. We can do this Taylor. Together we can do anything.”

“Yes, we can.”

We fell asleep holding each other’s hand. Tonight, the promises were enough. Tomorrow and every day after that we’d need to work on making them real.