FOUR
Exhausting.
That is the only word possible to describe how this week felt. Juggling school, work, and a needy five-year-old—soon to be six—is hard. To help make things worse, I fell asleep in one of Professor Adell’s classes this week after Johanna loudly asked me to go out with her sometime. If he had let it go the first time, he certainly didn’t afterwards.
The only bright moments I currently have are hugs from my boy. This kid is the oxytocin source of my life, with his miraculous cuddles. And that is exactly why today is going to be all about him.
“Good morning, little devil,” I whisper close to his serene face.
A small frown appears quickly, followed by a slight stir, but still, he doesn’t wake from his sleep. He is spread out on his wooden bed, only half covered by the dinosaur sheets he chose–his favourite—and it takes me a few more calls and some nudges for him to groan and open one eye. “I’m tired, Mummy.”
I can’t help but snort. After twelve hours of sleep, he’s still tired?
The window on the left side is completely open, as the bright rays from the early morning lights up his bedroom. The wooden furniture is not high-end or modern, but it’s good quality and functional. A bed for him to sleep, a desk and chair to study and do his homework once he starts elementary school, and a closet. Other than that, there is a bookcase with some of the books I read to him at bedtime and a few drawers where I store his toys.
The bed’s head is covering part of the light green wall, with a huge framed picture of Dylan, Nana, Jake, and me a few years ago at Christmas.
Sometimes, I wish I could give him more—better. But he has never once seemed bothered by his bedroom. In fact, he’s very fond of it.
“Can you guess what day it is today?”
“What?” His voice is still groggy.
“It’s Mummy’s free day. We’re going to the park!” I excitedly tell him.
For a moment, he doesn’t react, but then…in slow motion, as if his brain just registered my words, his eyes widen, and he jumps into a sitting position.
“I forgot!”
Of course.
Muffling my chuckle, I shake my head in amusement. Dylan gets up, and I watch as he, in all of his clumsiness, notices the set of clothes I laid out for him on the desk and dashes for it.
Not wasting time, I see.
He starts getting dressed by himself, with that ever-present desire to be a grown-up. Just witnessing his antics puts a smile on my face. This boy is so genuine it hurts sometimes. Slightly more impulsive than I’d like him to be, but he makes up for it with how tender and loving his heart is. Not to mention he’s got spunk and a lot of attitude on top of that.
Some kids love to be loved; my kid loves to show some love. Even if he goes about it the wrong way and has me running after him to correct it or downplay his dramatics once in a while.
He definitely got the dramatics from his uncle, though…
“Mummy, how do I look?” he asks, turning around to show me his outfit.
With practice, his dressing abilities have been improving. The only thing he can’t do by himself yet is tying shoes and, depending on the day, he can struggle with the buttons of his jeans. Dylan has always been very independent from the beginning. Since holding the bottle on his own from as young as three and a half months to starting to walk even before being one year old.
It tugs at my heartstrings, though. He grows too fast.
“You look handsome, baby. Let’s go brush your hair.”
“But I did it last night after showering,” he pouts.
With a slight glare from me, he gives in, groaning a “fine”.
Fifteen minutes later, we’re ready. Breakfast has been eaten, and Dylan and I wait for Nana to be ready. There’s a basket of food hanging from my arm, so we can have some food while spending time in the park. As soon as she arrives, we head for my old car, and they get in as I place everything inside the trunk.
From the corner of my eyes, I notice a head of blonde hair approaching, knowing right away who it is.
“Good morning, Ms Hanlon.” The little girl smiles sweetly at me before looking at Dylan. “Hey, Dylan.”
“Hey, Abby.” He waves back at her with a wide smile and a heavy blush on his cheeks.
She blushes back, looking away from him, suddenly acting all shy. Abby is such a cutie with long, curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Her light skin tone gives her this sweet porcelain doll look. Adorable.
“Are you leaving?” she asks me, hands behind her back and curious doe eyes.
All it takes is one look at Abby’s unknowing begging eyes because five minutes later, as the sun shines bright, the four of us are driving together to the park, towards what I hope is a relaxing and fun day.
The drive is quick, and we’re swiftly engulfed by the vibrant greens, deep blues, and dazzling yellows of the park. Dylan is quick to pull Abby with him to play football while Nana and I choose a place to spread a blanket over the grass, watching them.
It’s the city’s biggest green area, literally called the City’s Park. Trees, flowers, and bushes surround us, as well as people strolling by. Once in a while, I see a squirrel running around, and the birds chirp happily while flying above us. The soft prickles of the grass tickle my feet, and the fresh air softens the warmth that the sun expels. Sometimes, depending on how close to it you are, you can listen to the ocean’s strong waves. It couldn’t be more relaxing.
“How’s school been, Lo?” Nana sparks a conversation after a few minutes of enjoying our surroundings.
“Tiring, for sure.” I nod. “One of the classes has been harder than I expected but nothing I can’t handle.”
Well, that’s one way of putting it.
“I noticed how tired you’ve been. Much more than usual,” she sighs. “I know you always avoid asking for my help for fear of overworking me. I know I’m old, but I am not an invalid yet. Dylan’s easy to take care of, feel free to ask for my help whenever you need it. Alright?”
With a resigning sigh, I nod.
“I know you’re a strong woman, baby, but you’re not Wonder Woman.” She chuckles, patting my knee.
She’s right, but she has done so much for me already. Dylan can be a handful sometimes, even if he behaves better with her than with me. He tends to test my limits while he’s nothing but respectful and abiding with her. I don’t know what she does, though. Maybe she bribes him…Who knows?. It makes sense sometimes, the knowing smile she gives him, leaving me out of the loop.
“Lo?” she calls me, apparently not for the first time by the look on her face.
“Yes, Nana?”
Her hand covers mine, squeezing it. “I know things can be hard, and sometimes, it feels like nothing will ever fall into place. Especially in a new place where you barely know anyone.”
With a knowing smile, I nod. When this opportunity arose, Nana didn’t even think twice about putting her home up for sale back in évora, a small city in the south of the country, and buying one here to move in with Dylan and me. Truth be told, I don’t know where I would be if it weren’t for her. She stood by me when no one else did, and for that, I am forever indebted to her.
“But just know that if I believe there’s anyone that will make it, it’s you. I am so proud of you.”
Her recognition is everything to me. She became my mother when my own parents didn’t care to help me during the time I needed them the most. I will be forever grateful to her. Grateful for helping me fight and helping me keep my sanity so I can start a new chapter and make my dreams come true.
“You’ve managed to raise him on your own, and look how well he is turning out. Such a loving kid.”
Unaware of the meaning of our words, Dylan waves at us with the biggest grin before focusing back on a running Abby. Many have told me I’d regret having a kid at sixteen—an unplanned kid that is.
I can’t deny it was a shock, knowing a baby was growing inside me at such a young age. The pressure to get rid of him was real, from my parents first, and when that didn’t work, my doctor did as well.
For a moment, I almost gave in. My parent’s approval had always been everything, but in the end, how could the baby be the one to be punished when he didn’t even ask to be made?
It’s not that I fault those who do it. I think every woman has the right to do as they decide with their own body. Just as I did. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Harming my baby was out of the question. It wasn’t his fault; it isn’t, and I couldn’t do it.
It didn’t make it any easier. The moment my parents knew that an abortion was out of the question, everything changed. That day, I cried myself to sleep on my brother’s lap. He was the only one on my side, besides Nana, and even though he is a little crazy, he’s the best uncle.
Many regrets are eating away inside my heart, weakening my soul with each passing day. But there is one thing I can’t regret, and that was having my boy. Amid chaos and pain, he brought me joy, love, and strength.
My world shifted, and now everything revolves around him.
“Thank you,” I whisper with a shaky voice.
A knot settles in my throat, not letting me speak further, but the pat on my knee lets me know no more words are needed.
As if sensing the shift in my mood, Dylan looks at us and beckons Abby to follow him before running towards me. He runs, not even slowing down, and like the impulsive brat he can be sometimes, he throws himself onto me, bringing us both down.
I groan in discomfort when my back hits the floor due to impact. “Ouch. You’re too big to keep doing this.”
Instead of letting me go, his arms squeeze around my neck as he mumbles against my hair, “Thank you for today, Mummy.”
“We’ll come back next weekend. Is that alright?” He nods eagerly, just as Abby sits down next to us. “You must be hungry. You’ve been running non-stop since we arrived.”
Nana passes me the basket, and I take the food out, laying it in front of us. They both end up eating the most, preferring the sandwiches and chops, while Nana and I snack on some crackers, chorizo, and fruit.
Watching them both makes me thankful for the habit of packing more food than needed. Not so much because of Abby but more because as time goes by, Dylan’s hunger increases greatly. But then again with the amount of energy he has, no wonder.
A little after the food and some relaxing time under the sun, Dylan has finally had enough of staying still. “Will you play with us this time around, Mum?”
With a grin, I ask, “Football?”
His answer is a barely visible nod, followed by him jumping on his feet and picking the ball up.
“Can I stay here a little longer?” Abby intervenes, with her head close to Nana’s lap and half-closed eyes. “I am still a little bit tired.”
“Of course!” I smile at her before getting up, too.
“You’re such a girl.” Dylan rolls his eyes, and Abby sticks her tongue out in response.
“Don’t be mean.” I tap him lightly on the shoulder in warning before beckoning him to the green field ahead of us so we can pass the ball around between us.
For half an hour, I run around with Dylan. The ball is passed back and forth for a while until he decides he wants it to be one against the other. The little rascal gets me to trip quite a few times with his newly learned tricks: the crossovers. He’s skilled, I’ll give him that.
Maybe signing him up for a local football team could be a good idea, especially to get all of that energy out. He loves sports, moving around, and he is becoming quite the athlete.
Just like him.
The sudden thought reminds me of easier times. Back when my best friend and I used to play like this. We were inseparable ever since we met for the first time, up until the moment I had to leave.
Even though, for a while, Jake had me caught up with everything that was happening in my absence, it became so unbearable that I eventually asked him to not talk about it—or him—anymore. It’s a decision that will haunt me to the very last day of my life, but back then, I had no choice. Not in my eyes.
All other options were going to be messy and more painful than what it was. At least, that’s what I hope. In the end, putting Dylan first was what made up my mind.
But I wonder—almost every single day—does he look the same or has he changed? Are those blazing blue eyes as soft as I remember?
How about his body frame? Taller and bulkier than he had been? Is he still caring, or was I the cause of a bitter side being brought to the surface?
For a long time, I believed firmly that he was my soulmate. But maybe we’re more like those star-crossed lovers you read about in romances because I know…there’s no going back from this now.
If there are relationships that ever get to a point beyond repair, this is it.
“Mummy, you’re distracted,” Dylan whines, bringing my attention back to him.
There’s a frown on his face, showing how displeased he is with my mediocre performance. He’s so expressive it hurts.
“I am tired, baby.”
This boy never runs out of batteries. But I do. Not to mention I still have work tonight. By the time my body finally hits the bed tonight, I’ll be exhausted, but just watching his smile and happiness today will make it worth it.
“I’ll call Abby, then,” he huffs, annoyed.
Laughing, I turn around, walking to the towel where Nana and Abby are. My feet take a couple of steps before a familiar voice stuns me in place.
“Willow? Is that you?”