SIX
“How are you holding up, baby?” I ask Dylan.
It has been five days since I ran out of class. He caught a bug that affected his stomach and gave him a fever. With the medicine he was prescribed, he is already much better.
Thankfully, the doctor gave me a credential to deliver to college and Shilah, to justify the days I’ve been absent, taking care of him. Tonight, though, I have to get back to work.
“Better, Mummy. I ate today,” he informs me proudly as if I haven’t been hounding his every move.
My heart has been on my sleeve ever since this little one was born. The worry never fades, like that ever-present feeling of being a constant failure as a parent. We all feel like we’re messing up constantly. Terribly.
It’s his genuine smile that eases those fears. That blinding smile melts my heart every time. Especially when it’s paired with that tousled brown hair and puffy eyes from napping on top of me.
Despite everything, I felt connected to him from the moment I knew I was pregnant, but Nana was right. There isn’t anything in this universe that can beat the feeling of when we get them in our arms for the first time.
There was a shift in the deepest parts of my soul. Which might be stupid for some, or maybe it doesn’t happen to others. I didn’t believe it either, but when those tiny eyes opened wide and his frail wails settled at the sound of my voice, the only thing I could do was cry.
The tears flowing were unstoppable. For everything that it was and especially for what wasn’t.
“Mum?” His cold hand on my cheek catches my attention. “Can we watch another movie?”
We’re still on the couch on the spacious living room. The walls are all stark white with two big windows on each side of the brown wooden doorway. On the opposite side of the room, in front of us, there’s the obnoxiously huge TV that Jake gifted us last Christmas, claiming his godson needed a proper set-up to watch the Lion King.
Nana let me choose the design and placement of the shelves on that same wall, alongside the dark grey cabinet underneath the TV.
Dylan’s leaning onto me, ready to keep on watching movies nonstop for the remainder of the night, but I am already dressed and ready to leave for work at any moment now. There’s some relief in knowing he is doing better, even though I’ll be worried all night.
“Not tonight, baby. I have to work.”
“Ugh,” he whines as his head falls back on the grey couch. “I wanted to watch a movie!”
“How about we do that during the weekend?”
“If we have to…” he sighs, still very annoyed.
“Will you be okay with Nana for a bit?”
“Yeah,” he groans, fussing around the couch.
Dylan is not the kind of kid who is afraid to show how he is feeling. Whether it’s through words or actions, he’ll let everyone know. He’s getting better at communicating, but there are still a few moments where it feels like he is going backwards. Just like right now, being unhappy about my departure.
“I promise that during the weekend, I’ll let you watch whatever you want.”
One eye opens, curious, then the other, and when I nod in reassurance, that million-dollar grin of his shows up.
This light shade of blue is my synonym for love, for different reasons. Surely because of this little boy, but also because they eerily look just the same as the ones I fell in love with all of those years ago.
The thought itself makes me sigh in nostalgia. The word “Saudade” comes to mind again because it’s not translatable and it conveys exactly what I have been feeling for so long. This huge dark gaping hole in my heart can only be soothed by my son.
Still, it’s not healable. Not without him.
“Okay.” He gives in, bummed, and—thankfully—takes me out of my dark thoughts.
“Dylan!” Nana calls him from the kitchen.
“Yes, Nana,” he screams back.
Jesus Christ.It’s like this every time.
There’s no use in scolding them about yelling around the house because they have gotten to the point where they ignore me. They probably do it on purpose just to get a rise out of me. The few times Nana hasn’t ignored me, she waved me off by saying that she is old, almost deaf, and has every right to yell.
These two love to get on my nerves a little too much, that’s for sure.
“The cookies are ready! I need my professional taster to certify the quality.”
Dylan doesn’t even answer; he simply runs to the kitchen like he’s the Flash. The mention of food is enough to have him wherever. He’ll fly if he needs to.
I chuckle before sighing. These two will be the death of me, but I love them. A lot.
Going back to my messy bedroom, I pick up my bag. The double bed is still unmade, with the rosewood-pink-coloured cover all twisted out from sleeping here with Dylan. Since he’s been sick, I have been allowing him to sleep until late and getting lazy cuddles afterwards.
Looking into the full-body mirror, I remember Johanna’s request. Last week, she begged me to not miss work today because it’s her date, and she needs all the support she can get. I even received pictures wanting my opinion of which outfit she should wear.
How would I know what’s appropriate? The only dates I’ve been on were with…him. Whenever I had issues with what to wear, he’d kiss my forehead and say I’d look beautiful in a trash bag. In the end, I tried my best, but as you can imagine, my sixteen-year-old closet was nothing like a twenty-two-year-old one. And obviously not like Johanna’s.
“God, I miss him,” I whisper to myself, my hand rubbing at the skin right over my heart.
People say the heart doesn’t hurt, but it does. So much. In addition, my eyes sting from trying to keep the tears at bay.
No way, they’re not coming out.
I manage to blink them away after a few deep breaths. I’ve shed plenty in the past, and it has changed nothing. In the end, I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.
I was broken long before I left—especially in the head—but leaving him destroyed me beyond repair. Not only my heart but my soul.
I just hope he has moved on with an amazing girlfriend.
Ugh, girlfriend?
The mere thought of him having one feels like someone is stomping on the shattered cracks of my heart. Still, I wish nothing but happiness for him.
“Enough with the pity party, Willow,” I scold myself in a whisper.
As soon as I’m ready, I leave for work after kissing Dylan on the forehead. The sun’s setting and the traffic is mostly gone, allowing me a light drive to work. The streets are still quite packed, though; Porto is the second biggest city in the country, and at the end of the day, it seems to fill with people from everywhere, eager to go out or go home.
As I drive, I notice more of the artificial lights and the buzz created by moving people and cars. I spent six years in my nana’s small town, after leaving Lisbon, and it made me forget how soothing this controlled chaos is. Sure, it’s not my home town, the capital, but it’s close enough. And just as beautiful!
When I arrive, things are still calm since it’s Tuesday. It’s also a good day for Johanna to have her date. With fewer people, there’ll be a shorter waiting time for tables and less noise.
“How’s the little guy?” Shilah asks as soon as I get out of the staff room while tying my apron around my waist.
“Much better. Thank you so much for asking.”
“You have to bring him one of these days. I want to meet him.” She winks at me.
“Sure, we’ll set a day to eat here on my day off so you guys can meet him or something.” I smile at her. “Now, what do you need me to do?”
“Tables three, four, and five are almost done. If you can keep an eye to get them cleaned as soon as the customers leave and that’s it.” She beams, and I nod, going into work mode.
The shift goes by quickly, and when the time for my break arrives, I take advantage to go outside and see how Dylan is feeling.
The rhythmic ringing is interrupted by a whiny voice, “Mummy, are you coming home already?”
“Not yet. I still have a couple of hours of work. How are you feeling? Are you feeling better?”
I hear shuffling and then Dylan’s voice returns to the phone, “I am alright! Nana put the Lion King on for me to watch.”
“Of course.” I chuckle. It’s his favourite. “Did you have dinner yet?”
“Nana tried to give me soup. I hate it.” I can almost imagine the frown on his face. Dylan is not a fan of soup.
“I know, but you have to eat something so you can get better.”
“I know, I know,” he groans.
“Don’t be stubborn, okay? I have to go back to work now.”
“Okay, Mummy. I love you.” I hear some background noise to my side but ignore it since I am already about to hang up.
“I love you, too.”
Sighing, I lean my head back onto the wall. There’s a little relief to the fact that he hasn’t gotten worse, but if it’s not going away too, I probably have to take him to the doctor tomorrow. The problem is that this kid has such a strong hate for hospitals, it’s almost unreal.
He might very well punch or kick the doctor if he gets irked up just enough. It wouldn’t be the first time.
“Shouldn’t you be working?” The now-familiar and gruff voice startles me.
I clutch my hand to my chest and turn to my right-hand side to look at the person I’ve been dreading seeing since school started. Professor Adell. I swear this man’s snarky comments and hostile behaviour are not what I need tonight. But, of course, life couldn’t get too easy, could it?
“I work, Professor. I am using the time from my break to make an important call.” I look at my watch, and even though I still have five minutes left, I feign surprise. “Would you look at that? My time is up.”
“So, you use your work breaks to call on your poor little boyfriend? I heard he is sick, can’t he stomach the flu without you? You surely can be apart for a few hours while you work…or not?”
I scoff at the ridiculous speculation. Of course, he’d think I was calling my perfect little boyfriend. When will this man stop making assumptions about me? He has this image in his head where I have the perfect world, where I never had to work for what I have or what I want. He’s made-up a la-la-land where everything was given to me on a golden platter.
The creativity is there, in that dark brain of his, I’ll give him that. But I won’t give him what he wants and lay out my life or react to his provocative actions. Why is he doing this in the first place?
“This is not professional behaviour,” he snickers.
Oh, because his behaviour is?
“Is that how you’re going to act when you graduate and find a job? I mean, does your boss even know how attached you are to your phone?”
I fist my hands by my sides and clench my jaw. One can only take so much...right?
“My employer is very well aware of my behaviour and my phone calls. Let’s not forget that I am free to spend my break time as I wish. And that, Professor Adell, is what she’ll probably tell you if you want to make a complaint.” With a final huff, I turn my back to him and head to the staff room, leaving him—hopefully—dumbfounded by the entrance.
When I come back out, I expect to see his grim face seated down by one of the booths, but he’s nowhere to be seen. That knowledge itself is a relief because it means he won’t be taunting me anymore tonight.
Maybe I was too harsh on him? I didn’t mean to be, but he was pushing my buttons tonight, and with Dylan being unwell, I don’t have the patience to deal with his tantrums.
The problem is that I’ll have to face him tomorrow in his class.
Great. Just great.
A little later, I’m busier to the point that I don’t even see Johanna come in and sit down. I’m finishing up a request from a couple when I see her wave like crazy to catch my attention.
A chuckle leaves my lips as I signal for her to give me a couple of minutes while I leave the request for the kitchen. Once I’m done, I head to her booth, sitting down since it’s calm at the moment.
“You came alone? Where’s your date?” I ask, looking around.
“He told me he’d probably be a bit late because he’s coming directly from his shift at the hospital, so I told him to meet me here instead of picking me up,” she huffs.
“That’s what you get for fetching a doctor.” I laugh at her.
The fact that her date is working at the hospital reminds me of him and how he wanted to do it, too. But I need to shut it down right away. There is no need to have a blast from the past in the middle of my shift.
“I know but he’s so, so handsome, Willow; he has these amazing blue eyes. You can’t even imagine.”
I freeze.
Is this a sign to not forget my past?
It’s probably just destiny trying to remind me of how much I messed up. As if I didn’t know already.
I want to tell her I can imagine it because I keep close and often recall the memories of the most amazing ones I’ve seen myself, too. But instead, I shake my thoughts away and focus back on her.
“Well, while you’re waiting, tell me how you met him. I still have a little bit of time!”
“A party right before classes started.” A dreamy look settles on her face as she looks up at the ceiling, most likely recalling the moments. “He was out on the back exit of the dance club. I was so sweaty after dancing and went there for some air, I had kept an eye on him so I knew I’d meet him there… And there he was. Alone, broody, and so damn hot.”
My eyes widen. That seems…dangerous.
“I was sassy, and he was, too. One thing led to another and…well, he recently called to set us up for a date so, he must like me.” She beams. “I am swooning. For real!”
I chuckle and am about to tease her for being head over heels when a lady calls me. I apologise to Johanna and promise to come back as soon as I can. After helping her, another client asks for me as well before I go inside to help Shilah bring the beer keg upfront.
When I’m finished, I see Johanna. Her eyes are sparkling and her smile is wide at the guy in front of her. His back is to me, so I can’t see much but a mop of dark blond hair from the top of the booth. For a second, I hesitate, not really knowing why. Then I shake the funk away and grab my notebook, ready to get their order.
Not looking at them right away, I greet them, “Good evening, what can I get you?”
My focus is inside my apron’s pocket, where my pen lies.
Once I finally find it and my eyes rise, I stop moving. And so does the world. Time and people cease to exist as I focus on the sight in front of me.
It can’t be him. It shouldn’t be him. This is supposed to be my fresh start, my final opportunity to have a semblance of normalcy. Only for fate to come and prove to me that I deserve no such thing.
My eyes blink in disbelief as my heart stops and restarts a few times. Am I hallucinating? Or is this real? His body goes rigid when his eyes lock on mine, my breath catching in my throat.
He’s staring back at me, straight into my eyes. The most beautiful pair of blue eyes I’ve ever seen. The original ones I can’t seem to forget, and they’re angry.