Back to Willow (Back Series Book 1)

NINETEEN

Today is one of those days.

One of those where you’re sad, angry, and tired.

What was going on in my head to make me stay there for that long? I’d hoped they’d be out instead of staying in. My breath of relief got caught up in my throat the moment I saw them leaving the building with Johanna perched over Liam’s body.

I can’t be mad at them either. Johanna met him before she knew who he was to me, or what he meant. And after all of this time, I couldn’t possibly think he hadn’t been living his best life, moving on. I know.

But the thought of him moving on is less hurtful than seeing it with my own eyes. And my brain seems to hate me, too, replaying the image of them together more times than I can count. To worsen things, I forcefully have to stay back at the library to finish up a project until my shift starts at the diner, meaning I won’t be seeing Dylan until late at night when he’s already sleeping.

These kinds of days are the days I never wanted to have and I’ll fight my best to keep them to a minimum. I don’t want to be the kind of mum who leaves early in the morning and only comes back late in the evening. No. I want to be there for my boy.

But I know sometimes, these kinds of days are inevitable.

“Hey,” Johanna’s voice catches my attention. “How’s it going?”

Her voice sounds off—flat, a contrast from her usually chirpy self. As I turn around, she’s standing behind me with a stack of books in her arms. Her expression seems slightly cold and detached, leaving me to wonder what happened.

However, I don’t have the courage to ask. It’s not like it is my business so, shuffling to the side, I make room for her to sit down next to me.

“I’m hanging on. Days like today when I barely see Dylan are the hardest,” I mumble. “And you?”

“It’s going.” Then she sighs and keeps quiet for a little.

But it’s not like a usual silent moment. There’s some kind of tension rolling off of her, and I can’t pinpoint why. We were fine a few days ago, during dinner.

“Can I ask you something?” Looking back at her, I notice how her back straightens as she tries to appear surer of herself.

Weird. I have never seen Johanna not be sure of herself.

“Is he Liam’s?”

I splutter. What?

Johanna’s eyes blaze towards my own, a different kind of fierceness burning in them. The kind I have never seen before.

Meekly, I ask, “Why do you ask that?”

“Well, besides the obvious unfinished business?” Her voice comes out pointed, defensive. “They look alike. A lot.”

“I–” Words fail me from the blind-sighting move she played on me. This is not a subject I’m ready to speak about. I never have with anyone, not even my own brother, let alone a girl I just met a few weeks ago. “It’s complicated.”

“It’s not. He either is or he isn’t.”

I sigh, defeated. I wish I knew.

Keeping silent, I train my eyes on the book page in front of me. Reading is impossible, but it helps if I pretend. Maybe she’ll let it go?

“You’re not going to tell me,” she confirms her suspicions. “Got it. But I am leaving you a warning. That man does not deserve this. He is hurting so bad he can’t let himself move on.” Her voice wavers, finally bringing my attention to her. “I’ll give you some time to think this over and do the right thing. If you don’t talk to him and tell him, just know that I will.”

Her words hit me hard like a slap to the face. I never considered myself to be selfish before what happened, but her words call me out on it. It is selfish, and from what she said, it seems Liam is hurting more than I”d ever imagined.

For Johanna to know all of this—and I know how much she likes him—is because something happened. And it wasn”t good.

He is hurting so bad he can’t let himselfmove on.

And so am I.

Once again, I’m at war with myself. This bittersweet feeling is overwhelming and wrong. On one side, I know he is hurting, but a deep part of me, the one that never got over him, is ecstatic he still hasn’t moved on.Which is stupid because that tiny ember of hope is just nonsense. After everything, Liam wouldn’t forgive me. He won’t.

A rustling sound catches my attention, and I turn just in time to see Johanna stand with her belongings. With a glance at my watch, I notice it’s time to head out, too, so I gather my things and head out as well.

The walk to the car is silent. We are both tired and on edge after that awkward conversation. Just as we get outside. heading towards the parking lot, Johanna’s voice brings my attention to her.

“I didn’t know Professor Adell smoked?” She looks at me quizzically.

“Neither did I,” I admit while looking around, trying to find him in the sea of people still walking around campus.

Sure enough, there he is on the opposite side, leaning onto one of the university’s buildings, smoking a cigarette. He has these dark jeans on with a white button-up that clings to his body. It is already slightly unbuttoned at the top while his face is adorned with a pair of sunglasses that hide his eyes from everyone around him.

But I can see the frown on his forehead along with the messy hair. It’s slightly longer at the top while shorter on the sides, but it seems like he’s been running his hand through it a lot today. This man is the epitome of a private, brooding, moody guy, even if it suits him well.

“Ahm, I have to go to work,” I break the awkward moment.

She only nods before saying her curt goodbyes. I silently walk to my car, more than ready to drive to work. It’s quick, and in no time, I already have the apron tied to my waist while running from booth to booth to keep up with the number of people who decided to come in today.

By the time my break time comes up, I’m breathing heavily from the cardio of waitressing. Still, deciding I need to talk to my brother, I walk outside to the parking lot, calling him.

“Hey, baby girl!” Jake’s voice echoes through the Facetime call. “Calling me during work?”

I haven’t been talking to him enough lately, especially since school started. But with Dylan’s birthday coming up, I want to make sure he can make it. Though, with how much of a dedicated uncle he is…I almost know for sure he wouldn’t miss it for the world.

“Hey, Jay. Yeah, it’s been busy, and I wanted to take advantage of my break to check up on you.”

“Everything’s the same. Working and hanging around with friends.” His tone isn’t suggestive, but his wink gives away the type of company he is referring to.

My brother seems to be a playboy through and through. Not that I care. What he lacks in romantic relationship commitment, he sure compensates with his dedication to his family.

“Well, you do you, brother.” I clear my throat, changing the subject. “I called mainly to know if you can come to Dylan’s birthday. It’s less than a month away, and I wanted to throw him a little party since he’s turning six.”

“As if I’d miss it; it’s only my godson’s birthday!” Jake feigns offence, and I roll my eyes at him. “I’d turn the world upside down for that little shit!”

“I know, I know.” I chuckle tiredly, my batteries already running low from the full day I’ve had. And even from the phone, Jake notices.

“You seem tired. Have you been overworking again? Lo, I can send money if you need it.”

I hastily shake my head. “No, Jay. It’s not workload. Sleep has been evading me lately. A few things have happened, and I’ve been feeling kind of off, but I’m trying to pull it together.”

“Are you sure?” His frown deepens. God, he worries so much. What did I do to deserve such good people? “Anything I can help with?”

“No—not really, no.”

Even through the screen, I can feel the heat creeping up my skin from his intense stare.

“What happened?”

For a second, I hesitate but I feel like I’m going to burst into a thousand pieces at any moment. I might as well talk about it to someone. Who better than my only brother? He is the only one that, without knowing it all, has the understanding to some extent of what happened.

“I saw Liam,” I admit.

“What? How?”

“He works here apparently? I’m not sure. He was on a date at my workplace. It’s safe to say it hasn’t gone well,” I sigh, feeling defeated. “This is a mess. He hates me, Jay. It’s one thing to imagine the consequences of your actions, but it’s so damn different to experience them. To feel the extent of the damage I caused, it’s so much bigger than I anticipated.”

“Lo, I know, rationally, you could have gone about everything in a better way…but—” He stops himself by taking a deep breath. The following words come out laced with pain, one I never thought my brother had experienced. “I saw what it did to you, too. From the outside, I saw you being torn to pieces, an empty shell of the happy, shy, little girl you were. Don’t fool yourself into thinking it was—or is—your fault. Out of all of us, you were the one who was hurt and wronged the most. In the midst of all of that pain, you made the best out of it. As well as you could.”

My heart swells in appreciation, and my eyes water. This man—my older brother—is the only constant in my life.

He was there when I got home that night. It was the last thing I wanted—for someone to see me like that, but he did. Dishevelled hair, puffy face, and ripped clothes. Right away, he knew something was wrong. But nothing prepared him for my reaction to his touch. The shrilling sound that flew out of my throat was otherworldly, and any other day, I would have cared how horrified my brother looked. But at that moment? All I could think about was getting rid of that moment. Of his touch.

From there on out, he knew not to get too close, not to touch me. For a long while, I couldn’t stand it. Even now, I still have trouble with it, especially if it’s unexpected.

Jake spent the night on my bedroom floor, against the door, with the light on, one of his desperate attempts to make me feel safe. He woke me up from every single nightmare, and every time my eyes shot open, I was met with his tear-flooded cheeks and reddened eyes.

With all of the pain that was around me besides my own—how much my parents struggled to accept or understand—I felt like I was making everyone’s life a living hell.

In these situations, it’s easy to forget who the true victim was. Me. And despite this being hard for him as well, Jake never once let me forget that. It makes me wish I could speak about it properly and tell him everything. The two people who deserve to know everything are Jake and Liam.

“Has he met Dylan?” Jake’s voice breaks me away from my thoughts.

“God, no,” I exclaim. “Things are bad as it is. It would be disastrous, Jay.” My voice cracks as the words leave my mouth. Trying to keep my emotions at bay, I take a deep breath.

“Lo, you’ll have to tell him everything at some point,” he warns. “If you live in the same city, it’s only a matter of time until he runs into you with Dylan.” His voice comes out cautious, knowing how sensitive this subject is to me is moulding his words.

I don’t think I can do it, though. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with how things turned out. Opening the wound will be excruciating…

“I’ll think about it,” I say, not committing.

Jake keeps silent, his signature way of telling me he disapproves of the situation. He has always been a “head-on” type of guy, liking to face things properly and solve them as fast as possible, but I’m not like that. I’m not him.

And while some would call me a pushover, I don’t care. Confrontation terrifies me to the point I become a nervous mess. So, the solution is avoiding them.

“I have to go back to work, Jay. I’ll call you in a few days, yeah?”

“Call me, sis. You know I’m here for whatever you need.”

His words make me smile. I know he is.

Until I left to live with Nana, he was always there, despite everything I threw his way. For a whole month, he became more than my own parents and those times were hard. Touching was a hard no, and while I could see in his eyes how much it pained him to not be able to comfort me, he managed.

He was ever present at arm’s length. Jake endured my hours-long cries, outbursts, nightmares, apathy and lack of hygiene. Even when everything I wanted was for it all to stop. To disappear. To die…he never left.

The first step was forcing me to get out of bed. Then to eat, and finally to shower. And even if I wasn’t really speaking, he did. Telling me about his days and avoiding the subjects he knew I wouldn’t touch, doing his best to make me feel normal again.

When we said our goodbyes before moving away, I managed to bear a kiss on the forehead without freaking out.

And one thing is for sure, Jacob Hanlon is the most dedicated man you’ll find. For five whole years, he travelled almost two hours every weekend to visit. That man never missed an important day either. And with time, as the pregnancy evolved, it got easier because I had better things to focus on.

His constant presence eased the pain, too. And as if knowing it, Dylan always got calmer with him around. Whether still inside my belly and relaxing when his uncle touched my belly, or after he was born, having crying fits that would only stop with his favourite uncle’s rocking.

It was a long and slow process, and I bet with my whole heart that my brother is not even aware of how much he has done for me. How much he helped me improve and heal.

After saying my goodbyes, I go back inside. Shilah’s busy so I just jump on the first things I see that need my attention. People come in and out faster than I can keep up with.

Even my professor shows up, but I’m so busy I only have time to treat him as a customer, all possible small-talk forgotten. Hours go by at a fast pace, but the intensity has me exhausted.

Once the shift ends and I get changed, I head out. The cold air hits my warm face as the autumn nights steadily get colder. The parking lot is almost empty as the last clients filter out into their cars, ready to go back home.

By the time I get to my car, it’s almost empty, and before I can unlock it, a movement catches my attention, scaring the living hell out of me.

I freeze, raising my eyes only to see a shape—a person.

It’s moving, walking towards me confidently while I stand still like a cornered prey, watching him as my heart speeds up, anxiety filling my bloodstream.

Then he leans against my car, crossing his ankles like he has no intention of moving from there anytime soon.

As the surprise turns into acknowledgement, I gulp.

“What are you doing here?”