THIRTY-TWO
Iam still on cloud nine over that day we spent together. Dylan got accustomed to Liam pretty easily and even asked him when he was coming back to see him again. After that first tough kid act he had going on, he warmed up to him.
It could have been because Liam bought him everything he asked for and did everything he wanted. He carried him on his shoulders, bought him a giant dolphin, and even took us for some ice cream before taking us back home.
In a matter of a day, he has spoiled the kid I have been trying hard to teach how much life costs. But in all honesty, I didn’t mind it. My son needed it, and from the looks of it, Liam did, too.
Hell, even I did.
On Monday, the battery I had ordered finally arrived, and Liam offered to install it. Which I didn’t even know he could, but in the end, I was so thankful because it saved me a lot of money and time. This means that today—Tuesday—I drove to school.
The car door unlocks as soon as I pull the button on the manual lock. That’s when a slight movement from the outside catches my attention.
Arthur.
“Good morning.”
“Hey,” he greets back. “How are you doing?”
“Fine. You?
“Yeah,” he answers. “Just wanted to make sure you finally took care of that battery.”
“Yes,” I breathe out before getting out of the car and shutting the door. “I got it changed yesterday.”
“Ah good,” he hums before scratching the back of his neck.
Steps sound, catching both of our attention, and Johanna emerges, looking pointedly at the both of us.
“Morning,” she grumbles in acknowledgement before shaking her head.
Right after her, other students pass by as the campus starts to pack with people. A few look at us but say nothing, keeping on their way. We’re hardly the centre of attention in broad daylight, but apparently, the little attention makes the situation weird.
“Well, if you don’t need anything else, I better go.”
I understand, though; the last thing we need are rumours about us being too close for a student and professor. That’s why I nod and stay behind as he walks toward the class building. The day goes by quickly, with so many projects to finish and notes to organise.
At the end of the day, as I park the car in the driveway, I’m surprised to see Liam’s car parked a couple of spots down the road.
What is he doing here?
“Hey.” I wave at him after knocking on his driver’s window. He rolls it down, sporting one of his signature smiles. The one he used back in the day whenever he had done something he shouldn’t have. “Something wrong?”
“No, I—” He stops himself for a moment. “I did an all-nighter, and after waking up this afternoon, I couldn’t just sit around the house when I had this…urge to come and see you both.”
His cheeks turn a darker shade of pink at the admission, and I’d laugh if I wasn’t turning beet-red myself.
“I can go if you have plans or some—”
“No.” I cut him off too quickly. “Come in. He’ll be happy to see you.”
I take a step back to let him get out of the car. We both walk in a half-awkward, half-comfortable silence to my front door. The keys jingle when I place them in the lock, unlocking the door. When I twist the knob and open the door, I’m tackled before I have a second to know what’s happening.
My back hits Liam’s chest, and thankfully, his arms are strong enough to stop me from falling flat on my ass. Still, Dylan’s weight is enough to make him waver. Who would have known that a running six-year-old would feel similar to a speeding truck?
“Jesus Christ,” I grumble when I am finally able to find my footing. “You’re too old to be doing this.”
Nonetheless, I pick Dylan up. Now, completely glued to me with his legs around my torso, arms surrounding my neck, and a megawatt smile right in front of my eyes. Still, what’s distracting me is Liam’s big hand plastered across my lower abdomen, burning right through my clothes. As if that wasn’t enough, the warmth coming from his chest is still hovering over my back, as well as his chuckle right next to my ear.
Sensory overload.
It takes all my strength not to melt into his hold. My body begs for it, craves it.
“I just missed you,” Dylan whines, bringing my attention back to him. Then he buries his head in my neck, mumbling, “You have school and work so much…”
“Well,” I try to avert a crisis by not dwelling on the bad, “I managed to come earlier than I anticipated today. And apparently, someone else wanted to spend some time with you, too.”
“I saw him.” His words come out muffled from my shirt.
“Then why are you being rude?” I ask, tilting him in a failed attempt to get him off my neck.
He side-eyes Liam then looks back at me and shrugs.
“He missed you, baby. He wanted to spend some time with you.”
“Yeah?” he asks, glancing back at Liam.
“Of course,” Liam speaks for the first time. “You still doubt me?”
Dylan’s cheeks start to redden, making him look awfully like the man behind me—except for the hair that he got from me.
Sweet Jesus.
Watching these two together often makes me forget that…how can I take care of this? How can I be honest about something as serious as this?
“No,” Dylan grumbles.
“Are you hungry?” I ask.
“Yes,” the both of them answer in unison, and I giggle.
“Alright.” I set Dylan down. It’s only when I move, bending forward, that Liam is forced to let go of me. “How about some pancakes?”
“Yes,” my son yells, fist-pumping the air, then whispers, “They’re fluffier than Nana’s.”
“I heard that, little rascal!” Nana shouts from the kitchen, earning a widening of Dylan’s eyes like a deer caught in headlights.
“Let’s go, then.” I laugh, walking up to the kitchen where Nana is probably waiting for us. “Both of you will help me, then.”
There, while I make the batter and light up the stove, Nana cuts the fruit, and the boys prepare the table. It takes about half an hour to get everything done.
“Hmmm.” A double moan.
Looking to my right, I watch as both Liam and Dylan moan at the taste of the food. Their movements are completely synchronised as their left hands grip the forks in the exact same way, and their heads tilt back, too. It’s like watching the same person—from past and present—in the same room. So creepy.
Nana glances at me, amusement written all over her face. They dive in for a second bite, still moving equally as if we’re watching it all from the TV or a mirror.
“Lo,” Liam groans, seemingly oblivious. “Just as delicious as I remember.”
“What?” Dylan’s head snaps up, faster than lightning.
“Remember we were friends?” I remind him. “I used to make them for the both of us, growing up.”
“They are the best I’ve ever tasted,” Liam compliments.
“Oh.” A tiny twist in Dylan’s eyebrows shows his inner conflict, but it only makes him more adorable. He looks like he is pouting.
“You were very friends?” he asks, probably asking if we were close.
“Yes, baby,” I answer. “Like you and Abby, we met young and were inseparable until we were around…sixteen. Then Mummy had to move, and we—” I look at Liam uncomfortably, but he just nods, encouraging me. “We lost touch.”
“We were always together,” Liam concludes what I was hesitant to say, afraid to anger him.
The nostalgic smile on his face tells me he’s—just as I am—reminding himself of the so-called “good old times”. There are so many memories and moments that it’s hard to focus, but ultimately, there is one that specifically sticks in my mind.
The first time that I felt fully loved and loved back. Our first time.
It was New Year’s night, and his parents were away for some fancy party, so we had the huge house just to ourselves. It wasn’t planned; after all, he had told me he wanted to make it special on Valentine’s Day. He wanted to do it all, the romantic meal, the rose petals in the bedroom. And while that is all very pretty and romantic, it wouldn’t have felt natural.
And with the both of us, things always happened naturally. They always had, and this time was no exception. It felt right then. And like everything else, he did my bidding.
I knew that the first time wouldn’t be perfect or pleasurable because we were both virgins, inexperienced, and somewhat ignorant. But we were also hormonal teenagers who were in love and wanted to take their relationship to the next step, to show how strong and beautiful that feeling was.
“Is it still hurting, baby?” His voice was a low, shaky whisper, showing me how affected he was.
There was stinging at the beginning, and the first few times he moved, I whimpered in pain, even with all the lubrification from getting me off with his fingers and the condom.
But he knew what to do to ease that pain. His hungry kisses kept me busy, and his wandering hands travelled from my jaw to my chest, caressing and pinching my nipples to gripping my hip and groping my butt. It was odd, a wave of new sensations that I was sharing with him by being this full with him.
But besides that little stinging, that uncomfortable feeling, it felt good. It felt empowering and…epic.
I was giving a part of myself that no one else had access to. Something that was just his and mine. Ours.
“No,” I whispered before leaning up for another kiss.
His tongue swept against my bottom lip, asking for access, and I opened it, letting him deepen it. Along with it, he thrust himself back in, filling me once more. That time around, instead of that lingering pain, it felt like a soothing stroke, more pleasurable than not.
It only heightened when his thumb pressed against my clit, making me moan loud. He was good with his hands; I had known way before our first time, but feeling it combined with him inside me was a completely different feeling. So full and complete.
His movements were slow and circular at first, gradually speeding up. I moved to meet his hips. Consequently, I was writhing underneath him, arching my back and widening my legs to give him more access. So good.
“Liam,” I called for him, needing more but not knowing what.
“That’s it, my love,” he cooed, before burying his face in my neck.
“More,” I groaned, scratching his back. He abided, changing the angle and hitting slightly deeper and forcing a foreign garbling sound out of me.
He chuckled. “Like this?”
“Yes! Oh my—” I couldn’t even form words.
A strong tug on my lower stomach kept creeping down while my spine tingled. We were both slick with sweat, our torsos completely glued to each other, not knowing where one finished and the other started. But it felt right.
It felt like it was meant to be.
“Come for me, baby,” he begged, grabbing my jaw with one hand, and forcing me to look at him.
With his piercing cerulean eyes staring straight through me, right into my soul, I shattered into a million pieces. He jumped over the edge and took me right along with him.
We clung onto each other as the climax took over, momentarily bringing us into a new dimension. It was only after a few minutes that we came down from the high, still panting, only to confess at the same time, “I love you.”
“Willow?” Nana’s voice rings through my ears, bringing me back from my memories.
I look around, only to find Dylan and Nana looking at me with confused expressions. “Yeah?”
“Back from la-la-land?” she asks, a teasing tone clinging to her.
Stealing a glance at Liam only makes it worse. He’s sporting the smuggest smirk, making my cheeks burn with embarrassment. Could he know?
No. I shake my head, getting rid of the ridiculous idea. He couldn’t.
Still, it’s embarrassing enough for me to be thinking about sex in front of my grandmother and son.
However, it’s also the first time I can think of it without…freaking out.
“Sorry.” I smile shyly. “I got distracted for a bit.”
“Oh, we saw it,” Liam comments, shamelessly wiggling his eyebrows.
“Oh, shut up, will you?” I snark back, standing up to clean the empty dishes.
Hopefully, if I keep busy, he won’t have the chance to tease me, or try to figure out which moment I was absorbed in. Imagine how appalling it would be to confess I was thinking of our first time. Terrible.
“Can we watch a movie, Mummy?” Dylan chimes in. “Pretty please!”
Yes.Anything to get out of this predicament.
“Of course, but be aware that Liam may not be able to stay until the end,” I warn. “He might have to go home soon.” It’s important to manage his expectations. Liam still has a life and is not expected to change all his plans for us.
“I’ve got nowhere to be,” he admits.
Oh.
“Okay, then,” I answer, trying to sound nonchalant about it while on the inside, my heart is making an acrobatic choreography. “Go choose a movie with Liam and Nana while I clean up.”
“I’ll help you,” Liam insists. Then he turns to Dylan and says, “We’ll meet the both of you in five minutes.”
Not giving a damn, Dylan shrugs and runs off to the living room with a chuckling Nana walking shortly behind him.
The moment we’re both alone inside the kitchen the temperature rises and the oxygen in the air seems to lower, making it harder to breathe. I try turning my back to him while scraping the rest of the food off the plates but it’s useless.
“So,” he trails off. “What were you thinking of?”
Liam’s voice is awfully close, more than I anticipated it to be, making me take a deep breath with my eyes shut tight. Though, this time around, when his hand touches my neck while putting my hair behind my ear, I can’t suppress the shiver that takes over my spine.
It takes me longer than I’d like to admit, but I finally manage to choke out an answer, “Nothing important.”
“I call bullshit.”
“Language,” I hiss. Maybe a scolding will lower the temperature in this room. “I have a six-year-old that can hear everything and retain a load of unwanted information.”
“Your eyes glazed over and your breath quickened when you zoned out.” Holy Cow. Not only did he pay attention to me zoning out, but he also read my body language. “What were you thinking about?” His nose nudges my ear. “Were you remembering something about us?”
Yes. “No.”
“I don’t believe you,” he counters. I swear I can hear the smugness in his voice.
“Well,” I insist. “It’s true.”
“I know you,” he taunts, coming closer. His chest is now pressed to my back, both his hands gripping the edge of the counter, caging me between him and the sink. “And to be brutally honest, I was remembering, too.”
That familiar coil at the bottom of my belly forms for the first time in years, making me gasp. His scent fills my nostrils, just like his hot breath fans over the back of my neck, travelling through my thick hair. My skin is buzzing all over, and my brain is easily getting drunk on endorphins as light-headedness takes over, robbing me of all common sense.
It’s desire. It’s as familiar as it is foreign, by now.
His presence and proximity are reminding me of things I had locked far away. Things I thought I could never recover. Now, he’s here. Reminding me of how magical it was…how great it can still be.
“Lo,” he whispers.
A gentle press of his hips shows me how much he is affected, too. The hard shape of his erection presses against the top of my butt while the cold marble from the counter digs into my hips. I may be physically caged, but I feel desired. Wanted.
“I want to kiss you so bad,” he whispers, voicing my thoughts.
We’re so close. I can give in. All I need to do is turn around and—
“We’re watching the Lion King,” Dylan shrieks as he comes running into the kitchen.
We both startle, and Liam jumps away from me just in time for him to round the island and not see us hogging each other’s space. My hands grip the counter for dear life as my legs almost give in from the tension release.
With a knowing hum, Liam swoops Dylan into his arms and turns to me with a fake pout.
“Let’s go watch Simba, Mummy!”
It takes me a few moments to put myself together before I follow them to the couch. There, Nana is sitting on her single chair, purposely leaving the couch for the three of us. Liam is on one end of the couch, with Dylan attached to him. He also left enough space in case I want to keep my distance.
It feels good to be given the choice.
That’s why I sit down next to Dylan and him. The movie starts and with it, we all relax as the story starts to envelop us. It turns out to be an amazing night. Liam stays until Dylan falls asleep after dinner and helps me carry him to bed and tuck him in before leaving.
He doesn’t attempt any other moves throughout the night, making me feel half-thankful and half-disappointed. He was always impulsive when we were younger, but now it’s not just the two of us, I have to think about.
There’s Dylan, and there’s the giant elephant in the room that I don’t know how to get rid of.
The fact I didn’t panic was a victory in itself, one I didn’t think I could have. Not so soon, anyway. But my heart aches because sooner rather than later I’ll have to tell him the last shard of my secret.
This will be the last straw. The one which will send him running to the hills and make him realise that he deserves much more than all of these problems.
Just thinking about it wipes out my good mood. It’s that cruel reality check that brings you down from cloud nine, straight into the dirt. It reminds me that dreams are fleeting and pain is real. Constant.
I am better living in the cruel reality that this has no solution. To live with everything that broke me.