Ballad of Love (Utah Lovin’ Book 1)

10. Braydon

Istare at Madison in anticipation as my statement hangs in the air between us. I can”t believe this is happening. This isn”t happening. Why is she doing this? We have made plans. We had a future planned. Madison turns back to the window, and I see the tears glazing her eyes. My heart breaks. Not only for the future that is slipping between my fingers, but also for the hurt that this is causing Madison.

“Braydon, we both have dreams. We have plans.”

“Yeah, and stupid me, I thought we made those plans together.” I cut her off. I don”t mean for my voice to come off as sharp as it does, but I can”t seem to stop it. it”s just so frustrating watching a relationship you spent years building slip through your fingers. and it doesn”t look like I can do anything to stop it.

“You made those plans for us.”

“And you didn”t stop me!”

I turn my face towards the window, and run my fingers through my hair. This is all spiraling out of my control, and I don”t know how to stop it. My hands are shaking, and my heart is beating so fast I think it might beat right out of my chest. I feel Madison”s hand on my shoulder, and at first, I flinch away from her touch.

“Bray, can you please look at me?” Madison”s voice is pleading.

Reluctantly I turn to face her. Tears stream down her face, and her lip is trapped in between her bottom teeth.

“Braydon, you are such an amazing person, and you are going to do amazing things in your life. But you need to recognize how great you are. You have to do that on your own though. Just like I have to be able to chase my dreams on my own, and figure out who I am.”

I don”t try to hold the tears back at this point. I don”t know if Madison is right, but I don”t think I want to find out.

“Madison?”

If I could get on my knees, I would beg her to stay, but I don”t think it would do any good.

“Braydon, you may not understand right now, but someday you are going to look back and see that this was for the better.”

Madison pulls both of my hands into her lap, pulling my attention to where our hands meet.

“Bray, I need you to know that I love you. And I am not saying that there still can”t be an us in the future. I just think that we need to grow as individuals for a while.”

My brain is no longer comprehending words, and my heart doesn”t want to continue beating. If Madison needs better, then I am going to become better. End of story.

“I am not giving up on us, Madison.”

“I know you won”t, Braydon. But promise me that you won”t give up on yourself.”

That is not something I can promise, but I nod my head anyway. I pull my hands out of her lap, and put them back on the wheel. I put the car in drive, and take Madison home. She doesn”t say anything, but I don”t want her to either. I just want to sit in silence and let my emotions stir for a while. My hands grip the steering wheel too tightly, turning my knuckles white. The desire to punch my fist through a wall or a mirror is strong, but I know it wouldn”t do any good. I pull into Madison”s driveway and put the car in park.

“Goodbye Bray. I love you.” her voice cracks, but I don”t have to look at her to know she is crying.

After a few moments Madison realizes, I am not going to respond, so she opened the door and stepped out. I tracked Madison”s movements all the way to her front door, but I couldn”t watch her disappear inside her house, so I backed out of the driveway and headed in the opposite direction of my house.

I don”t know how long I have been driving. Or how long I have been gasping for breath. I don”t even know what town I am in. All I know is that the sun set hours ago. My phone rings in the cup holder, but I don”t have the energy to answer it. I am not even sure if I would actually be able to form words right now. I feel like someone is holding my head underwater, and they won”t let me up for air. My phone rings again, but this time I pull over on the shoulder to answer it. I don”t look at the caller ID, which was definitely a mistake when I hear Brooks, the youngest of the Ambrose brothers, voice on the other line.

“Braydon, where in the hell are you?” I pull the phone back, so he isn”t yelling directly in my ear.

My brain is still in a fog, and I can feel my hand shaking as I hold the phone to my ear. My breath is coming in short gasps, and my heart feels like it is trying to hammer its way out of my chest.

“Braydon? What”s wrong? Where are you?” Brooks’ voice is panicked which isn”t making things any easier for me.

I put brooks on speaker and set my phone on the center console. It feels like my body has a mind of its own. My hands claw at my chest, and eventually get a couple of the buttons ripped off. The white under shirt I am wearing is soaked in sweat, but my body is shivering like it”s cold. I think Brooks is still yelling at me from the phone, but I can”t hear him.

“Braydon!” Brooks’ voice breaks through the fog. I still can”t seem to form words, but I am trying to focus on brooks, and what he is saying.

The sound of a truck slamming pulls my attention towards my phone.

“Braydon, Beau, Bryce, and I are going to try and find you. I want you to stay on the phone with me though, okay?”

I nod, even though I know he can”t see me.

“I need you to try and take some deep breaths. I am going to help you.”

Brooks starts breathing in and out, and I try to match his breathing. After what feels like an eternity my breathing is somewhat normal.

“Okay Braydon, can you tell me where you are?” Brooks” voice is calm, and strangely enough a little soothing. Although I am never going to tell him I thought that.

I clear my throat to test my voice and make sure it still works.

“I don”t know. I dropped her off and went in the opposite direction of my house.”

I can”t bring myself to say her name, but he knows who i am talking about.

“That”s at least something. Do you see any big landmarks around you?”

Grabbing my phone, I step out of my truck to scan my surroundings. It is just mountains and wilderness for as far as I can see.

“It”s just mountains, Brooks.”

“Do you know how long you were driving? That can help narrow it down.”

“It could have been hours or minutes; I have no clue.”

Brooks sighs into the phone. I feel bad for worrying people like this, but I don”t know what happened.

“I am going to hang up with you, and text the boys. They took their trucks and heard in opposite directions. Stay in your truck, focus on breathing, and keep your phone on. I will call you back in five minutes.”

“Brooks?”

“What”s up?”

“I am driving mom”s car. Not my truck.”

The line goes dead, but i don”t move to get back in the car. Instead, I sit down next to my truck. I look down at my hands that are still shaking and notice that there is drying blood covering my nails. Pulling my button up shirt over my head and tossing it to the side, I realize that my white shirt is soaked in blood. I guess I literally tried to rip my heart out of my chest. Although it wouldn”t have done much good, considering my heart no longer lives in my chest. Madison is my heart, and the second she stepped out of my moms car it finally hit me that it was over. I pull my knees up to my chest, and rest my head on them. I don”t know when the tears started. I just know that once they started, I couldn”t stop them. My phone rings, and I take a few deep breaths before I answer it.

“Okay, Beau and I have an idea about where you are. I need you to make sure your headlights are on, so we don”t miss you.”

“Okay.” my voice comes out choked, and I hate how weak it makes me feel.

I pull myself up off the grass and open the car door to turn on the headlights.

“I think I can see you. Damn Braydon you were way out in the middle of nowhere.” I faintly hear a truck in the distance, just before I see headlights illuminate mom”s shiny white car.

I hang up the phone, as Brooks pulls up behind the car. His headlights are blinding, and when I look down at my phone, I catch a glimpse of the time. One thirty-seven A.M. shit, my parents were probably really worried about me.

“Braydon, why is your shirt covered in blood?”

“It”s a long story, and I am way too exhausted to talk about it right now.”

“No Braydon we aren”t going to play that game. I spent half the night on the phone with your mom who is scared to death because she doesn”t know where you are. So you are going to tell me what the hell happened with Madison!”

I flinch at the mention of her name, but I can”t talk about what happened tonight because I don”t know what happened tonight. At least not after I left her house. Brooks impatiently crosses his arms over his chest and stares at me.

“I don”t know what happened.”

“You don”t know what happened when you left her house, or you don”t know what happened when you were together?”

“After I left.”

“So, tell me what happened before you left.”

“She ended it. She walked away. She threw everything that we had built away like it didn”t matter!” I didn”t mean to yell at Brooks. It wasn”t his fault. I was just so mad. Mad at Madison for walking away. Mad at the world. I was mostly mad at myself for not being good enough for Madison.

“Braydon, I am so sorry man. Why would she do that?”

“Look, Brooks, I really appreciate you driving out here to pick me up. And I appreciate you being there for me. But I really don”t want to talk about this right now.”

Brooks nods and turns to walk back to his truck.

“I am driving you home. The boys and I will come back to get the car.”

Picking up my shirt and phone off the ground, I silently follow Brooks to his truck. The inside of his cab is warm compared to the frosty night air.

It”s a long quiet ride back to my house. Brooks wasn”t kidding, I really was in the middle of nowhere. I was an hour away, in a completely different town. We pull up to my house, and every single light is on. I could see my mom pacing back and forth through the kitchen window. How could I be so stupid? I didn”t even text my mom, so she wasn”t worried.

“Braydon, are you ok?”

I look down at my bloody shirt, and my jeans soaked from the wet grass.

“Brooks, I don”t know how to explain. I swear at one point it felt like I was going to die.”

“This conversation isn”t over, and I think you should definitely see someone about this. But for right now I think you need to go see your mom before she wears a hole through the floor.”

I put my button up shirt back on before I got out of the truck. My mom would freak if she saw the blood. My mom is running down the porch steps by the time I get out of the truck and Brooks drives away.

“I am so sorry mom.”

She tackles me to the ground in a hug before I can get another word out. My mom is five foot two, which means she stands a foot shorter than me, but she can still pull her own any day. My mom and I get to our feet, and I feel my dad wrap his arms around both of us. Mom places her hands on either side of my face, and I can see the redness in her eyes from crying.

“Honey, are you ok?”

“I am not hurt. I just lost track of time I guess.”

“Braydon. Madison called us.” my dad says.

It hurts to hear her name, but she only called them because she cares. That somehow hurts more. Mom is still looking at me like I am going to shatter at any moment, but I can”t do that. I can”t break again. Because whatever happened tonight needs to be a one-time thing.

“Can we talk about this tomorrow?”

Mom and dad both nod and walk me into the house. I tell them both goodnight before I head upstairs to the safety of my room.

My room has a bathroom attached to it, so I won”t have to face my parents again tonight. I don”t bother turning on the lights in my bedroom. Peeling off both my button up shirt and my undershirt, I walk straight into my bathroom. I stand in front of the mirror, and stare at the bloody scratch marks scattered over my chest. My hand grip the edge of my skin, like I am holding on for dear life. I am not letting her walk away. I am not giving up on us. This is what she wants for now, and I will respect it. But I know that we are endgame, whether she believes it right now or not. I reach into my shower and turn the water on. I need to wash away this day and start off tomorrow on a better note. The hot water stings when it hits the open wounds, but I don”t mind the pain. I stand under the water until it goes cold, then I get out of the shower and throw on a pair of sweatpants. There”s a soft knock on the door, that startles me out of my thoughts.

“Braydon, can we talk?” Adalynn, my little sisters, voice comes from the other side of the bathroom door.

I open the door, even though I don”t have the energy to face Adalynn right now.

“Braydon, what the hell happened to your chest?”

I look down at my still bare chest and realize that I didn”t put a shirt back on. Brushing past Adalynn, I head to my dresser and pull out the first t-shirt I find.

“Braydon, I”m waiting.” Adalynn may be two years younger than me, but she has always been a little protective.

I don”t turn around to look at her, instead I stare out my window.

“Did you know that she was going to do that?” My question comes out with a bite, but I can”t help it.

Adalynn and Madison became best friends after Madison, and I started dating. My hands start shaking again. I turn on my heels to face Adalynn.

“Braydon.”

“No Adalynn. Did you know that she was going to break up with me?”

Adalynn looks down at her feet. Adalynn and Madison talk about everything, so i don”t doubt that they talked about this.

“Adalynn?” my voice breaks.

“Yes Braydon. I knew. We talked about her leaving weeks ago. I wanted to tell you, but she begged me not to.”

My heart rate picks up, and I can already feel myself spiraling. I watch a tear roll down Adalynn”s cheek. I feel bad for making her cry, but how could she not tell me?

“Adalynn,”

I let my body fall to the floor. I feel Adalynn”s arms wrap around me, and i let myself relax into her touch.

“Braydon, you have to know that this isn”t your fault. This is what Madison wanted. This was her choice.”

I feel a sob wrack through my body. I longer try to hold back my emotions. There is no point. I let Madison hold me, and I cry into her soft sweater until I feel dehydrated. She doesn”t let me go right away, and I don”t pull back.

“Thank you, Madison.” I pull myself up and use my shirt to wipe off the tears that are staining my face.

I stand up and reach my hand down to help Adalynn up. She pulls me into a hug, before she reluctantly turns and leaves my room. Pulling the comforter back, I curl into a ball on my bed. I just want to forget this day, but I know that the memories and pain will still be there tomorrow.