Bar Down (Grand Marquee Manticores #2)

Chapter 21

TWENTY-ONE

Two Months Ago

Eli

Ash and I are in our bedroom, folding laundry and stealing glances at one another. I catch myself leaning in to kiss him more than once and I have to pull back. The door is open, my parents and brother are around. And yet, when I think about them finding out, I find that I’m not filled with as much dread as before.

I mean, how bad could it actually be?

Worst case scenario, they never speak to me again. Could I really handle that?

Then again, I guess it could be worse—they could become like Ash’s dad and take it upon themselves to constantly belittle me and tell me how wrong I am, how much disappointment I bring the family.

But I know them, they wouldn’t do that. Would they?

Maybe it’s time I told someone. If I’m closer with any of them, it’s probably my mom and she wouldn’t cut me out of her life. At least, I don’t think she would.

My spiraling train of thought gets interrupted when my brother walks into the room.

“Ed, what’s up my man?” Ash says, fist bumping my brother and performing a series of handshakes that are too complicated for me to even follow.

“Ash-man, we need to party again. That’s actually why I came in here, to tell you—there’s a party I know about, a friend of mine is hosting. And the best part, it’s on a sailboat,” my brother says, waving his hands around and fist pumping.

I pause halfway through folding a sweatshirt. I realize it’s the sweatshirt Ash has been wearing around when he gets cold and a smile tugs at my lips. I love peeling this off of him, and I love the ease with which we go about our days, the simple domesticity of it all.

But then what Edvin said clicks. “What do you mean party again ?” I ask.

Edvin looks away quickly, embarrassed. Like he didn’t mean to say that around me.

They partied together? When? Where? We were together every time we went out.

“We went to a club a couple weeks ago. You don’t have to worry,” my sweet little brother says, not knowing how much I do worry. For both of them.

“When exactly?”

“The night of your birthday?” Ed says, biting his lip in a grimace.

My anger flares, because what the fuck? They didn’t think to tell me? Or invite me? I turn on Ash and my voice comes out clipped when I say, “You took my little brother to a club?”

Ash frowns at me, holding eye contact, but doesn’t say anything.

“Oh, now you have nothing to say?” I know this is probably going to end in a fight, but I can’t believe he’d do something like this behind my back.

“Eli, chill, I was—” Edvin starts to say, but Ash stops him.

“Ed, don’t.” A muscle in Ash’s jaw twitches but he doesn’t look away from me. “Finish that thought. What’s wrong with us going to a club together? I didn’t realize I was confined to your house and the ice rink while I’m here.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it, and you can do whatever the hell you want, but don’t drag my little brother into it. He’s too young for that kind of stuff.”

“I’m eighteen—” Edvin starts to say, but we both give him a look telling him to stay out of the conversation. “Maybe I’ll just go,” he says, backing out of the room and closing the door.

Ash rounds back on me, face twisted in anger. “What kind of stuff? What do you think happened at the club, Eli? What do you think I did, debauched him?”

I sigh in frustration and look around the room. “This is so typical of you. Maybe I don’t want my brother around alcohol and drugs, and god knows what else. You shouldn’t have taken him there. Especially not behind my back. Or on my fucking birthday,” I yell, throwing my arms out to the side, still holding the damn sweatshirt.

“There it is! You don’t want him to have any fun,” he says, pointing a finger at my chest. “Just because going to a club, having a couple drinks, and dancing doesn’t sound like your kind of fun, it doesn’t make it wrong, Eli!” Ash yells.

“Edvin isn’t stupid and he’s not a baby. Maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt.” His face is red and angry, and I kind of get the feeling we’re not actually talking about Edvin in this situation.

“If it’s not wrong, why did you hide it from me?”

“Are you that fucking oblivious? When we spent the night in the city and went to dinner he kept asking us to go out with him. And what did you do? You ignored him, kept steering the conversation back to hockey, and school, and his career. The kid just wanted to have some fun and let loose with us and—god, Eli—you sounded just like my dad.”

I’m about to fight back, but Ash’s comment hits me like a punch to the stomach. All the air goes out of me at once and it’s hard to catch my breath. I just stare at him, shocked that he’d compare me to his awful dad. He’s shocked too, like he can’t believe he said that, but he recovers quicker than me. “Shit, I didn’t mean—I’m sorry?—”

“It’s fine,” I say numbly. I drop the sweatshirt I’m still holding and walk out of the bedroom.

Edvin is waiting in the hallway when I walk out. “Eli, don’t be mad at him, this is all my fault—” he tries to say, but I walk around him to the stairs. I take them two at a time, put on my running shoes, and head out the back door to the trail. Dusk is fast approaching, but I don’t care.

I run for miles, trying to clear my head. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Ash was right. I did ignore Ed’s pleas to go out to a bar or club, or do something fun while we were in the city. He’s eighteen and probably bored of all the museums and tram rides. Maybe the issue was bringing him along in the first place, but I just wanted to spend time with them both.

How did they sneak around? Did they meet up at the club?

It’s not that I don’t want them to have fun, I’m just hurt they didn’t tell me. Especially on my birthday. Even if I didn’t go, I would have liked to know about it. What if something had happened and I didn’t know where they were? How could they not tell me?

I get back to the house with the full intention of sharing my thoughts with them and also apologizing, but they’re not there.

“Mom, where are Ash and Ed?” I ask after looking around the house for them.

“They went out,” she says from her spot on the couch where she’s knitting something.

“What?” I ask, dread pooling in my stomach.

They left without telling me?

Of course they did, I acted like an overprotective lunatic.

I take a seat on the edge of the couch, running a shaky hand through my hair. Fuck, I messed this up, and now I don’t even know where they are.

“Eli, hani , what’s wrong?”

“They didn’t tell me they were going. I don’t know where they are, Mom, I’m sorry. I was trying to look out for Ed but?—”

“Eli, calm down. They went to Mikko’s sailboat party. Ed said you didn’t want to go and that you went out for a run instead.” She frowns.

“How do you know where they are?”

She laughs. “Because just like you, Edvin tells me everything. Did you think he snuck out and kept secrets?”

“He’s just a kid,” I say weakly.

“He’s eighteen and just graduated high school. You know, he’s moving out in the fall.”

“What??” I ask, appalled.

“Eli, seriously, what’s up with you? Your brother is grown up.”

“Since when? Did I really miss it all?” I ask, tears I didn’t expect falling down my face.

Mom pulls me down fully on the couch and hugs me tight. “Eli, baby, I’m so sorry you feel like that. But you have your own life and career to worry about, of course you’re bound to miss some things. The age gap between you two is pretty big, I’m sure it feels like you’re two completely different people, but you’re not. He’s so much like you: strong, smart, determined, talented.”

“I—” my sobs stop me from speaking and I relent, just crying in my mom’s arms as she soothes me. Fuck, I missed so much back here.

“Your brother is fine, you don’t have to worry about him. You know, he told me you didn’t want to go out with him to the club. He’s worried all you do is work.”

“What? You know about the club too?” I ask dumbly.

“Of course. Ed said he really wanted to go, but not alone, so he took Ash with him. Why didn’t you want to go?”

“I don’t like the crowds or the noise. I didn’t think either of them needed to be around drinking and who knows what else. Ash doesn’t exactly have a great track record with alcohol. He gets—I don’t know—depressed, I guess, when he drinks a lot.”

She eyes me curiously. “You worry about him?”

“I worry about both of them,” I say, swallowing hard.

“But you worry about Ash more,” she says softly. It’s not a question, but a statement, and as I look at her, I think that I need to tell her. She would understand.

I’ll tell her. Soon.

First, I need to apologize to Ash.

Ash

I’m partying on a fucking sailboat and I can’t even enjoy it. I’m lost in a sea of strangers and I want nothing else than to be here with Eli. But he’s made it very clear how he feels about me and my partying.

Fuck, I knew not telling him was a bad call, but it’s not like I corrupted his brother and got wasted on a Thursday night in an unknown city.

I’m sure he thinks the worst of me, because why wouldn’t he? I have a history with substance abuse and a tendency to fall off the wagon.

Always a disappointment .

But that night didn’t go as Eli envisions it. Ed and I went out, met with his friend, had two drinks each at most, then they danced around with a couple girls while I watched dutifully from the sidelines. If anything, I was a glorified chaperone. I didn’t even dance, for fuck’s sake. Around 3 a.m., I walked them back to his friend’s place, making sure they were safe, then I ordered myself a ride back to the hotel.

Edvin offered to hang out with me tonight once we got to the party, but I told him to go be with his friends instead. He doesn’t need to see me at my worst too.

I keep drinking, but I’m in no mood to dance, or talk, or laugh. So I walk around, admiring the sailboat, sipping on my drink.

When a pretty blond comes up to chat with me, I politely turn her down, telling her I’m seeing someone.

Is that what I am doing? Seeing Eli?

Is he even going to put up with me much longer, or will he realize he can find someone better? Someone who won’t fuck up all the time.

I lose count of how many drinks I’ve had and I’m lost in thought, looking at the harbor when someone taps me on my shoulder. I spin around and I’m met with pale blue eyes and light blond hair and I smile. He smiles back but it’s different. One of his canines is a little crooked and there’s no dimple popping.

Edvin keeps smiling at me as he says, “Having a good time, Ash-man?”

I nod, my smile dropping a bit once I realize I’m face to face with the wrong Kalias. “Yeah, doing great.”

“That girl keeps looking over at you,” he says, nodding towards the long-legged blond that was flirting with me earlier. “Are you gonna make a move?”

I laugh, but it comes out hollow and I take another sip of my drink. “Not really my type at the moment.”

His eyebrows raise and he looks at me like he’s seeing me for the first time. “As in you’re not into blonds, or not into girls?”

I look at him and decide to test the waters. Eli doesn’t want his family to know that he’s gay, that’s fine, but maybe I can see how they react when I tell them I’m bi.

“I’ve hooked up with women, and men. And I’m definitely into blonds,” I say with a wink and his face immediately goes pink, his eyes wide. Shit, I didn’t mean for that to be flirty. I straighten up and quickly say, “I definitely didn’t mean you, please don’t think I’m coming on to you.”

“Yeah—no—of course not,” he says, flustered, waving me off. After a moment of silence, he says, “But—did you mean Eli?”

I can’t bring myself to look him in the face or respond, because shit, shit, shit , how did this backfire so badly? Me and my stupid mouth. Why can’t I ever shut the hell up?

“Can we maybe have this conversation when I’m sober?” I laugh and pray to whatever god is out there that he drops it and doesn’t tell Eli.

“Sure, but, does Eli know?”

“Know what?”

“That you’re in love with him?”

The way he says it so casually startles me and I drop my drink, the glass breaking on the floor of the sailboat. There’s no judgment on his face as he places a hand on my shoulder and gives me a nod and a small smile. “Maybe I should ask my brother directly, but something tells me he’ll try and avoid that conversation. For what it’s worth, I think you two are really great together. You make a good team, in and out of hockey.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly, and crouch down to pick up the broken glass.

“I’ll go find a broom,” Ed says and walks away.

I’m struggling to find the last piece in this dark part of the deck when a voice startles me over the music. My hand slides across the floor and my body involuntarily jerks. As I go down on one knee, my hand slams down to catch myself, and what do you know? I find the last piece of glass, embedded right in my palm.

I hiss out at the sharp sting but before I can stand up and take a better look at it, I feel two strong hands on me, one gripping my wrist and the other gently prying my fingers open to look at the damage.

Eli winces as he looks at my palm, his long fingers inspecting. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, rakas. ”

Surprise must be written all over my face as I simply stare at his pretty face, which looks a little puffy, like maybe he’s been crying. When our eyes meet, his pale blue ones are bloodshot and tired.

“What does that word mean?” I whisper.

Eli purses his lips and I know he won’t tell me, so I try to pull my hand away but he’s holding fast. “It means dear , or darling , I suppose.”

My smile is quick to show and I mumble, “Cute.”

“Come on, let’s go find a first-aid kit below deck.”

“We’re not allowed to go below deck,” I shake my head, getting a little dizzy just looking at the blood. The glass is not deep, but it sure is bleeding a lot.

“Mikko won’t mind. I know him, we grew up together.” Eli guides me to the opposite end of the boat and down the tiny staircase below deck. The underside is narrow, but long. There’s a small bathroom and kitchenette at one end, a corridor with a couch, a TV, and mini fridge, and a double bed in the room at the other end.

Eli guides me to sit on the couch as he looks around the cabinets under the kitchenette and the bathroom sink. He finds a first-aid kit and makes his way over to me, focusing on the task at hand. He’s quiet and methodical, pulling the glass out, wiping the cut down with alcohol, whispering apologies when I hiss out in pain again. He applies some kind of ointment to the cut before bandaging it, and when he’s done, he gently holds my hand in his lap.

“I’m sorry for earlier. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I definitely shouldn’t have assumed the things I did.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the club,” I sigh, rubbing my forehead with my free hand. “I wasn’t trying to deceive you, I was just trying to appease Ed and maybe blow off some steam myself.”

“I know. It wasn’t my place to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. I hope you can forgive me. I’ve just been mad at myself for missing so much of my brother’s life, his formative years, really. And I’ve been trying to compensate in all the wrong ways.”

“Ed looks up to you and loves you, Eli. He just wants to spend time together and wants you to show an interest in his life, not just hockey.”

“I know, I’ll do better. But I need to do better by you too,” he says, squeezing my wrist and caressing it with his thumb.

“There’s nothing to forgive. If anything, you should be mad at me for leaving you on your birthday and comparing you to my dad. That was shitty, and I didn’t mean it,” I say, willing him to believe me.

“It’s okay. It hurt in the moment, but you weren’t exactly wrong.”

“Of course I was wrong. You’re nothing like him. You’re the kindest, most selfless person that I’ve ever met.” My eyes roam all over his face and he has the most beautiful smile on his face, the soft one reserved just for me.

“Eli—” I say, but stop. I’ve wanted to tell him since the first night we got to Finland, but he wasn’t ready to hear me then. I make sure to look at him, really look at him and when he doesn’t stop me, I continue, “ Mina rakastan sinua .”

I love you.

I’ve learned the words from the Kalias family. From Eli’s dad when he whispers them to his wife as they lay together on the couch. From Eli’s mom as she kisses Ed on the cheek and hugs him every morning. But mostly I’ve felt the words just by being surrounded by this loving family.

Eli’s eyes shine but he doesn’t say anything. I feel like someone just reached inside my chest and squeezed my heart tight enough to leave me bruised. I give him a wobbly smile anyway, biting back my tears.

He might be ready to hear it, but he’s not ready to say it back. While I feel like my heart is shattering into a million little pieces, I can’t say I blame him.

“Let’s go get a drink. Together,” I say, pulling my hand back.