Chapter 24
TWENTY-FOUR
September
Ash
“Wait, Eli,” I say, trying hard not to give in to the taste of him, “we should talk first.”
Eli’s confused face pulls back. “Haven’t we done enough of that already?”
When he starts chasing my lips again, I back away slowly, feeling high on his scent, citrusy with a hint of eucalyptus. Fuck , I want him so bad, but I harden my resolve. “I need to tell you something.” Eli eyes me warily, his expression filled with concern.
I swallow hard and look down at my lap as I say, “I’m in a really good place right now. Physically, mentally, and”—I glance up, clasping my fingers tightly—“and emotionally. I don’t want to jeopardize that.”
“Ash, that’s amazing. You’ve come so far and I don’t want you to jeopardize it either,” Eli says.
I take a deep breath and continue, “The thing is, I don’t know if I should be taking this kind of risk right now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you’re not worth it, Eli, because you are.” My eyes connect with his and hold in place. “I’d give in to every single temptation if it meant I got to have you. But—the past couple of years, I’ve fallen in and out of love with you more times than I can count.”
“ Hani, I—” he starts, but I shake my head and barrel ahead.
I’m afraid if I don’t say this now, I never will. “Every time you pull me in, I’m ecstatic. I feel like I can do anything because I have you by my side. But every time you push me away, you break my heart all over again. Because I could never be enough for you.”
Eli’s fists clench and it looks like he’s trying really hard not to reach out for me. He’s giving me the space to get it all out, because that’s what I asked of him. But the pure look of devastation on his face gives me pause.
“If you’re not going to choose me, Eli, as in really choose me , and give us a real chance, then—” My eyes blur and I need to look away from his pale blue eyes. “Then I need to choose myself,” I croak.
When I look back at him, his eyes are misty too and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep my emotions in check. I really don’t want to fucking cry right now.
Eli scoots closer to me on the couch and gives me another tight hug. My arms instinctively wrap around his torso as his arms cage me in a bear hug.
“I’m really proud of you, kultsi, ” he says softly in my ear. I let out a strangled laugh and squeeze him tighter. Fuck, I needed to hear that. When he pulls back he says, “I do want to give us a real chance. I’m just scared because I still don’t feel ready to come out to the team, to the world. But I do want you .”
I can feel the smile blooming on my face. Leaning in, I kiss him this time and murmur, “That’s enough for me.”
Eli frowns but I say, “I mean it. I don’t need some big announcement to the world that we’re together, I just want some stability. Just don’t shut me out,” I plead and rest my forehead against Eli’s. “Don’t push me away. I don’t think I could handle it. However long it takes for you to come out to the world, I’ll be patient with you, pretty boy, if you’ll be open with me.”
Eli drops another kiss on my lips and says, “Deal.”
Eli
I’ve fallen in and out of love with you more times than I can count.
I lie next to Ash on the couch, trying to process everything he told me tonight. He’s been having such a hard time finding his footing and I feel like I failed him. Because he’s right—I did pull him in only to push him away later. Looking back, I was the one pursuing this friends with benefits arrangement more than he was. Ash would have been content with leaving things as they were and not starting something up at the end of last season.
Hearing him say the word love to me—again—must have short circuited something in my brain because now I can’t stop thinking about it. I still love him, I love him, I love ? —
“What are you thinking about?” Ash lifts his head off my chest and looks up at me. Even in the cover of darkness, his face is beautiful. I run my hand through his hair, gripping lightly at the base of his head and pulling him in for a kiss. It’s shorter than I’d like, and when I pull away, he lets out a content sigh. Like he’s right where he needs to be. Like he’s home after an exhausting day at work.
“Nothing. Everything,” I say, scooting down and shifting so that I’m now slightly on top of him, nuzzling his neck. My arm comes around his torso and I pull him as close to me as I can. Both his hands hold me tight in return, like steel bands around my shoulders. I might not be ready to say it back yet, but I can show him how I feel.
I kiss the soft, warm skin of his neck and move my mouth up to his ear. Taking his earlobe between my lips, I tug at it gently before biting down softly, soothing it with a lick afterwards. Ash’s breathing is hard and one of his hands makes its way into my hair, tugging, forcing me to move my head up to meet his. His blue eyes are darker than usual, pupils blown wide with desire, and I can’t help myself. I’m helpless and I need him.
I press myself harder into him, feeling his hardness next to my own. I brush my lips against his in a tender kiss, then bite and tug at his lower lip. When I pull back, he chases me, moaning against my lips.
With a coy smile, I use my hand to push him back down into the couch cushions. Slowly, I reposition myself to straddle him and bring my hand down to the hem of his shirt, raising it up inch by agonizing inch. When I bunch it up all the way to his chest, he shimmies out of it the rest of the way and my lips immediately land on his blue honeysuckle tattoo. My favorite one.
“Will you tell me what this one means?” I whisper against his skin. Ash takes a deep breath, holding it in, but doesn’t say anything. “Please.”
I feel him exhale and this time both his hands come down to cup my face. I look up at him, reverently, while his thumbs caress over my cheeks.
“It’s a birth flower.”
“Oh?”
What the hell is a birth flower?
At my confused expression, Ash laughs, but sobers up quickly. “Every month usually has two birth flowers, each with their own meaning. June has two: rose and honeysuckle.”
I frown and say, “But your birthday is in December.”
Ash gives me a look that says why the hell would I get my own birth month tattooed on myself? and my jaw drops open. He got a June flower because that’s my birth month .
I swallow hard and try to ask the next question but seem to struggle with it. Ash takes pity on me and says, “It means happiness.”
There’s too much emotion in his eyes and the words are swirling once again in my brain— love, love, love . I turn my head and kiss his palm before kissing his naked chest and moving further down. Before I can reach for his shorts, Ash stops me and sits up. He kisses me with a groan. “As much as I want more of this to happen, I really think we should take things slow.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, frowning.
“Yeah. I want to take my time with you. I want to date you, even though no one can really know about it yet,” he mumbles. “Can we do that?”
“Of course, anything you want, rakas .”