Bar Down (Grand Marquee Manticores #2)

Chapter 23

TWENTY-THREE

Present Day

Eli

The book I got at the store is good, but I get way too distracted by Ash’s movements outside. Not even the story about a tennis player past her prime looking for glory can take me away from my reality.

I try to keep the memories of this summer at bay, but they rush back to the surface. I can feel them slipping through my carefully built facade. Stolen kisses and illicit touches come to mind when I think back on it. We were spending every waking moment together—being happy. Things were so great until they weren’t.

He left. Without a goodbye or explanation, he just left. I drove down to get a hold of Mikko about borrowing the boat for a few nights and when I got back—he was gone.

Ash said goodbye to my family but not to me , and that probably hurt the most. He’s not to blame for everything though, I meant what I told him earlier. I let him down too, when he needed me most. He was clearly going through a lot with his dad and it was messing not only with his head, but with his game too.

I should have seen that sooner. I was supposed to be his person, his rock, and yet I didn’t see him struggling when he was right in front of me.

I should have tried harder. Ash means so much to me and for the longest time I didn’t know how to put into words the feelings I had for him.

I shouldn’t have reacted like I did. He was drunk and tired and he messed up, but he deserved more from me.

I take a few deep breaths, coming up with the courage to face him. I’m thinking that it’s time to stop running from this conversation. Placing the book on my nightstand, I take a few steps to the door, take another deep breath and open it, only to be met by Ash. His fist is raised, ready to knock, but he slowly lets his hand drop.

We take a second to just look at each other. He looks really good and I’m happy that he’s in therapy. That’s something I should consider too once the season starts.

“Dinner’s ready if you’re hungry,” Ash says quietly.

“Yeah, I could eat.”

He nods and turns around, leading the way back outside. My eyes stray back to his calf and the sailboat tattoo there. I want to ask about it but don’t know how.

When did he get it? Was it right when he arrived back home? Or was it more recently?

Does he still love me?

Why is talking about your feelings so damn hard? I look up at the clear sky and try to quiet my wandering thoughts.

We both take a seat at the patio table and reach for the tongs at the same time. Our hands brush and I let him take them. Ash clears his throat and says, “I can make you a plate, is there anything you don’t want?”

Blinking up at him I shake my head. “Everything looks delicious. Thanks.”

He nods and loads up both our plates with chicken and veggies. Then, he adds a scoop of strawberry pecan salad on the side. We eat in silence and look out at the lake through the small opening of trees.

This place is beautiful no matter the season. My eyes wander to the fire pit and I smile, thinking about last year and how the four of us were so excited for the new season.

Ash catches my stare and gives me an understanding smile, sad and bittersweet. “I miss them.”

“Yeah, me too,” I say, taking a big swig of water.

“Robbie says hi.”

I pause, fork halfway to my mouth. I need to talk to Robbie, apologize to him for shutting him out, for pushing him away. Realizing I’ve been a shitty friend, I sigh and finish my bite of chicken.

“I’ve been avoiding him lately.”

“Why?” Ash asks with a mixture of curiousness and weariness.

Well, here it goes, better to get this conversation out of the way before it’s too late. “The night you left, I called Robbie. He didn’t answer but I left him a voicemail.”

Ash straightens up in his chair, lips tight like he wants to ask more, but he holds himself back. I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he’d ask me anything that’s on his mind.

Does he wonder why I never called him? I picked up my phone so many times, but the thought of him thousands of miles away, angry and hurt because of me made me sick to my stomach.

Does he think that was easy for me? I was a mess after he left, barely even got out of bed most days, except to practice. Keeping my distance was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

“I told him everything,” I say. “That we were together but that I was mad and hurt by what you did. You not only outed me to my whole family, but you also left me . I know it was wrong of me, but I lashed out at Robbie too. I told him he was spending too much time with the non-profit, that he wasn’t being a good friend to you, to us.”

Ash’s face crumples and I want to reach out to him but I need to keep going. “A week later, Robbie called me and yelled at me for my behavior and how I treated you, making you leave. I knew he was right but I wasn’t ready to admit it yet, so I shut him out.” I take a second to swallow and calm my racing heart.

Ash takes the moment to say, “I didn’t leave you , Eli. I just left.”

“Why?” I ask, voice almost wavering.

He shakes his head and runs a hand over his short beard, scratching at it. “Because I was just a burden to you, and you didn’t want me there,” he says, sounding exhausted, like this conversation is taking more out of him than he can give.

“That’s not true,” I frown.

“It is!” he shouts, standing up quickly. “God Eli, you told me you couldn’t deal with me anymore and that you wanted me to stay somewhere else for a while.” Ash is pacing around, finally placing his hands on the back on the chair, knuckles white. “I had already fucked up enough, I needed to get some help.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, standing up and crossing over to his side of the table. My fingers itch to reach out and cup his face, pull him to me, hold him. But I don’t. That’s not what we are anymore.

“I didn’t mean it. I was just taking out my anger on you because I didn’t know how to deal with my own feelings. I never intended for you to leave for good. Maybe if I had handled things differently we wouldn’t have had to go this long without clearing the air.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says, taking a step back. “You needed to talk to your family and deal with your own stuff, on your own terms, and I needed to figure out my own shit.”

“I still regret it. I’m still sorry. I still miss you, ” I say, voice catching on that last part.

“I regret it too, what I did. I’m more sorry than you’ll ever know. And I miss you every damn day. ” There’s so much earnestness and sorrow in his eyes and I need to fix this thing between us, because I don’t know how to be in the same orbit as him but not have him in my life.

“Can we start over? I want my best friend back,” I whisper, reaching out a hand.

Ash’s fingers are warm when they wrap around mine and I run my finger over the soft flesh between his thumb and pointer finger.

“I’d like that very much,” he says and steps closer. I let his hand go and open up my arms. When he falls into my embrace, my only thought is— I’m finally home.

Ash

I feel like a giant boulder has been lifted off my shoulders, and I guess Robbie was right—I really did just need to talk and be honest with Eli about what happened. I still hate myself for how I behaved, but I plan on making it up to him, especially now that we’re getting a fresh start.

Eli helps me wash and put away dishes, and we fall back into this easy routine that we had before. We’re both on the cusp of asking for more, figuring out what this new start really means. Are we back to just being friends? Are we going to be more? Is he ready for that?

“Can I ask you something personal?” I say, wiping the butcher block kitchen island with a towel and tossing it in the basket by the laundry door.

Eli looks taken aback by my question. I guess I’ve always barrelled into his life and taken him by surprise. Almost like going bar down . “Sure,” he says.

“What happened with your family after I left?” His reaction is immediate and his hunched shoulders relax. What did he think I was going to ask?

Eli moves a couple feet over to one of the couches in the small living area and drops down on it. I follow and take a seat on the opposite side, leaving some space between us.

He clasps his hands together and lets them dangle between his legs as his forearms rest on his knees. “When I came back, my mom asked why I sent you away,” he says, frowning. “Honestly, they were all pretty mad at me for doing that. They really like you, Ash.”

Eli gives me a small smile over his shoulder but looks away as he continues, “I tried to explain that I didn’t mean to, that I just needed some space, but they kept pushing. So I decided to rip off the Band-Aid. My dad was probably the most shocked, Ed seemed unsurprised, and my mom just looked—happy for me.”

I nod along even though he’s not looking at me. “Has your relationship with them changed at all?” I tentatively ask, my hands itching to touch him at this moment.

“Not really,” he says, running his hands up and down his thighs anxiously. “I think they were more hurt that I kept it from them for so long. They’re really supportive, even my dad, who is definitely the more conservative one of the bunch.”

“I’m happy for you, Eli,” I say, meaning it, even though he didn’t give me a chance to be there and share that moment with him. But it wasn’t about me, and I finally get that now.

My hand reaches out tentatively and I squeeze his shoulder affectionately. Eli grabs my hand with his and rests his cheek on it, looking back at me with misty pale blue eyes.

“Can I give you a hug?” I ask and he nods, letting go of my hand. I slowly trace my fingers from his shoulder to the back of his neck, cupping it gently, then I lean in close. His head falls to the crook of my neck and I bring my other arm around his back, rubbing small circles on his shoulder blades. His hands fist the shirt at the small of my back and I think I might want to stay here, in this cabin, in this moment, forever.

When Eli pulls away, he doesn’t go far, just a few inches to look at me. My fingers curl in his hair and I can feel the buzzing tension between us. His eyes linger on my mouth before he leans in and presses his mouth to mine.

He’s sweet, and I immediately melt into him, my mouth opening. I let his tongue dance with mine again, and everything is just like it used to be. Me and him, moving round and round in this game of seduction. Our bodies remember each other too well, this invisible force pulling us together again. But for once, I’m selfish. I need more than just his body.

So I pull back gently and say, “Wait…”