Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
ASH
I arrive at the arena just in time for warm ups, although I am the last to get dressed. Just like coach promised, the equipment is all there. The locker room is completely empty and I take a deep breath when I see my name on the locker plate. While everyone else is in the hallway, getting ready to hit the ice, I quickly put on all my gear and sprint out in my skates, hoping to surprise Eli before he gets in the warm-up zone.
Before I turn the corner to the tunnel, a familiar face stops me in my tracks.
“Dad?” I ask, voice quieter than I intended.
“Ashton,” my father says, crossing his arms over his chest. He looks very imposing in his dark charcoal suit and neatly combed brown hair that’s now streaked with gray.
Ever since I cut him out of my life and blocked his phone number, I’ve been wondering what I would say to him if I ever saw him again. I’ve made plenty of speeches and rehearsed them with Marge in therapy; speeches about how he ruined my life, how he never gave me any of the support I needed growing up, how he always made me feel less than.
Standing here in front of him now is a completely different experience. My mouth feels dry and my tongue heavy. Be brave, Ash.
“What are you doing down here? Shouldn’t you be up in a private box?” I ask, gripping my stick tightly.
“I came to see my son. Why did you block me?” he asks, moving closer to me. Each step he takes feels like a little crack in my neatly built facade.
“You’re kidding, right?” I say, voice tight. Is he serious right now?
His eyebrows climb his forehead and he frowns. “I am not. One moment you were galavanting through Europe, and the next you just disappeared. I was worried.”
I laugh and it’s loud enough to startle both of us. “Worried? When have you ever been worried?” I want to be angry at him, I really do, but I don’t give a shit anymore what he thinks of me.
“I always worry about you, why do you think I’m so hard on you?”
“Maybe because you’re a terrible father?” I mean for the words to hurt him but they just slide right off his impassive face. Not a single twitch.
“You know what, Dad? Whatever reason you had for coming down here, doesn’t matter. I blocked you because I couldn’t deal with your passive aggressiveness anymore. There was a point this summer when I hit rock bottom, and it was mostly because of you and how you’ve always made me out to be such a disappointment. So much so, that for the longest time I believed it. I didn’t think I was worthy of family, of solid friendships, of love,” I say, finding that my voice is steadier now as I’m getting things off my chest.
I take a few steps until we’re face to face and look him in the eyes as I say, “You always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. It might have started with hockey, but it went way beyond that, and it really messed me up, Dad. So thank you, for coming down here and letting me say this to your face because this is the last time we’re ever going to be in the same room together.”
There’s the barest hint of surprise as his lips part and his blue eyes widen, but I don’t stick around for a reply. “If you want updates on my life, maybe tune into the news. I’ve got my eyes set on the NHL,” I say, walking away. Without turning around I add, “It might not be this year, but we’re coming for the Cup, old man. We won’t let Boston win again.”
I finally turn the corner and walk down the tunnel. The crew high fives me as I do and I hit the ice running. I see Eli on the far side of the ice and skate over to him. His mask is on, but I can still see the moment he registers it’s me because his eyes widen and he gives me the biggest smile.
“Ash, you’re here!”
“I am,” I say, hugging him as best I can with all the gear in the way. “I got called up as I was driving to Robbie’s house. Sounds like one of the forwards is out for a couple games, and I’ll be filling in.”
“That’s amazing,” Eli says. “I’m sorry I missed your call.”
“It’s fine, I missed yours too. But at least now we’ll have a few more days together.”
“Kalias, get in the net. We gotta get you warmed up for tonight,” Juuse says. Fucking Juuse, always in the way. “Meyers, good to see you again,” he says, smirking at me. I really hate this guy. He’s too pretty to be trustworthy.
“Couri, wish I could say the same,” I say, calling him by his last name.
He laughs and drops down to stretch as Eli skates over to the net, sparing a backwards glance at us. I don’t hear Juuse’s reply as I leave him behind and start my own warm up.
As we head back to the locker room, Eli and I keep our distance, remaining professional, as always.
Everyone gives me a warm welcome and the captain gives us all a speech about how important this game is for us, since we have a history of losing to Boston during home games. While I came in thinking I was just going to have fun and not give a shit, I realize that’s not a good approach.
The pressure starts to build and I take in deep, even breaths.
Focus.
I’m playing for myself.
I’m playing for Eli.
I’m playing for my team.
No matter the outcome, I’m going to give it my best. For them and for myself.
The buzzer goes off in the arena and we leave the locker room, lining up in the hallway, waiting for the starting players to be announced. I’m on the fourth line, which I expected. I’m ready to bring the energy and help out the team, and maybe even score a goal. I’m still riding high off of my hat trick from the other day and combining that with the fact I’m playing in the NHL makes me excited and greedy to prove myself.
Eli
The first period was the worst I’ve played this whole season. There are two goals that I’d like to take back, but there’s nothing to be done now. Juuse tries to talk to me during intermission but I tell him to leave me alone so I can get out of my own head and focus.
The score is 2-0 for Boston and I can’t help but feel like it’s all my fault.
“You sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” Juuse asks. “It might get you out of your funk.”
I give him one of my angriest looks and hope that he’ll just leave me alone. He shakes his head but still sits next to me. At least he’s quiet.
My phone buzzes next to me on the bench and I pick it up.
as much as I enjoy seeing you give Juuse the murder glare, is everything okay?
I laugh a little and look across the locker room at him. Ash looks up too and smiles at me.
I’m trying to get in my zone and he won’t shut up.
sounds like me, lol
At least I tolerate you.
WOW, fucking rude
Kidding, you know I love you.
“Maybe you need to think about something else for a bit, take your mind off the last period,” Juuse says. Funny enough, texting Ash was helping, but now that he brought the period back up, my mind is on it again.
I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Talking about it again doesn’t help,” I grit out.
“Sorry,” Juuse mumbles and rubs my shoulder in what he thinks is comfort. I slowly pull away from him until he gets the hint and lets it drop. My phone buzzes again and I quickly look down at it. I can’t stop the burst of laughter that bubbles out of me when I see Ash’s text.
if he touches you again like that I’m going to punch him in the dick
You just want an excuse to touch his dick.
ew, no. I don’t get what people see in him, he’s not even that good looking
He’s objectively good looking, but not my type.
oh, you have a type now?
Yeah, chaotic gingers with the attention span of a goldfish.
you have such a way with words, how did I get so lucky?
IDK but you’re definitely getting lucky tonight.
The second period goes much better, especially as I block two huge shots from breakaways that shouldn’t have happened in the first place. The first and second lines are struggling to make any plays and we end up getting two penalties for hooking and high sticking.
When Ash gets on the ice for his next shift, he steals the puck from one of the Boston players and gets his own breakaway. I watch him skating fast but gracefully. When he gets a good opening, he takes the bar down shot, aiming over the goalie’s shoulder on the glove side, hitting the bar, which causes the puck to ricochet into the net. The goalie doesn’t stand a chance to stop it and the horn goes off, indicating the goal.
The team picks up on the high energy for the rest of the period and our captain scores two back to back goals as well, which puts us in the lead by one.
Everyone is raving about Ash’s ability to make plays out of nothing when we get to the second intermission and I can’t help but be immensely proud of him.
The third period starts out hot when one of the Boston players boards our captain. It takes him longer than it should to get up, but thankfully he doesn’t need a stretcher to get off the ice. This gives us a five-minute power play when the ref calls out a major penalty for boarding.
The team quickly capitalizes on it, Ash scoring another goal almost immediately, followed by another goal by one of our defensemen. In the end, we win by four, which is a huge feat against Boston, and especially with our captain getting injured.
Our coaches congratulate us and the locker room is loud and buzzing with excitement as we begin to undress. Juuse asks me if I want to go out and celebrate, but he doesn’t hear my answer. He’s looking down at his phone and his face drops.
“Shit,” he says, somberly.
“What?”
He looks back at me apologetically and now I’m starting to get nervous. A few other phones ding in the room and everyone seems to be reading the same thing, based on the same surprised faces I see in the room.
I look at Ash and see he’s gripping the phone hard, his jaw clenched and eyes furious. He pins his gaze on me and I freeze. I reach for my phone to see what is going on, but Juuse snatches it from my hand.
“What the fuck?”
“Trust me, you don’t want to read it.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” Is it about me? Is that why Ash is mad? I swing back to look at him and see he’s marching over angrily. I think he might get all up in my face, but no—he goes right up to Juuse and shoves him away from me.
“Woah,” I say, trying to get between them but Ash gives me a look I haven’t seen in a while. He looks angry, protective, and also hurt at the same time.
“What is going on?” I ask, looking between them.
“Are you two gay together?” one of the guys behind me asks and I swear I can feel all the blood drain from my face. I freeze up and look at Ash, then again at Juuse.
Did one of them tell someone? Is that what this is about?
But no.
Ash wouldn’t do that to me. Not again. Not from his reaction—Ash is pissed and looks on the verge of punching Juuse. I look at my friend and see a sad expression on his face. Sad, but not guilty.
“Will one of you tell me what’s going on?” I manage to say, doing my best to ignore the whispers behind me.
Ash hands me his phone and hits play on a video. It’s from earlier today at the deli and it shows Juuse patting my hand and winking, clearly flirting with me. I look happy in the video too, laughing and smiling back. I swipe around, seeing more pictures of us on this stupid blog that focuses on hockey scandals. They’ve ruined more than one career in the past and I’m starting to panic that this might be it for me.
I can’t focus on reading the whole thing, but I pick up on certain words that stick out— newbie, goalie, couple, spotted together . From what I gather, the article is speculating whether or not Juuse and I are a couple, and drawing their own conclusion that—yes, we are indeed. I don’t make it to the comment section because Ash gently covers the screen with his hand and takes his phone back.
While I’m grateful, I feel like I might either pass out or throw up at any second. I glance behind me and see everyone staring at us.
“Well, is it true?” Mackenzie, one of our defensemen asks me.
“What the fuck does it matter if it’s true or not?” Ash asks hotly. I give him a pleading look, silently begging him not to get in a fight with a teammate on his first day up at the NHL. But as always, Ash doesn’t take the hint.
Mackenzie looks taken aback but says, “Calm down, newbie. We’re just curious. And it’s not about you, anyway.”
Ash takes a step forward, positioning himself in front of me and says, “No, but indirectly, you’re making it about me too. I’m bisexual. I want to know why you’re so curious to see if it’s true or not. Does it bother you to have a gay or bi teammate?”
There’s complete silence in the locker room, and Ash continues. “How exactly does my sexuality affect the way I play on the ice? Do I score fewer goals if I also have sex with other guys? Am I somehow less of a player?” He lets the questions hang in the air for a moment, and when no one answers, he says, “Well, I’m not. So I ask again, why does it matter if the stupid article is true or not? You have two of the most amazing goalies in the whole fucking league right here. You should be supporting them, not questioning what they do with their own personal lives.”
Mackenzie looks down at his feet, and if it were any other situation, I would laugh at this 6’ 8” man looking chastised. But not everyone in the room has the same reaction to Ash’s words. Some of them look angry, but not angry enough to say anything back, and others look at us head on, nodding along.
Our head coach steps in, having listened from the door. He looks around at all of us and points at Ash. “You heard him. We’re all a team here and if you want to make it to the fucking playoffs this year, you need to be a cohesive unit. If any of you have any issues, you come to me first and we’ll discuss them. Otherwise I expect you all to be courteous and respectful to one another. Understood?”
A chorus of yes, coach gets shouted back and everyone resumes undressing. I keep my head down and rush through my shower. I feel bad for avoiding Juuse when he tries to talk to me about it, but right now I just need some space. I need to deal with the fact that, once again, people found out about me being gay when I wasn’t ready.
I change into my nice post-game outfit and leave right away, opting to text Ash instead of waiting for him.
Need to clear my head. Going to walk back to my apartment.