Chapter 18
“What are you doing for Christmas?” Jasmine asked, not looking up from her weekly preparations.
Christmas was in less than two weeks, and I had been putting it off. I still hadn’t opened the message my mother had sent me to ask if I would join them. One thing was sure. If I refused to go, I would feel guilty about it, and Eleanor would end up here to smack me. Something I probably deserved. If I went, I’d feel uncomfortable, just like I had the last time. It hadn’t been worth it.
“I haven’t decided yet. I think I’ll just visit my grandmother.”
That, at least, would be a cosy time where I didn’t need to plaster a polite smile on my face and hide most of my days inside a bedroom that no longer felt like my own.
“You won’t go to your parents?”
I looked back at the vegetables that I was cutting. This whole ordeal was making me so tired. Christmas was supposed to be jolly, so why was it that thinking about it made me feel so empty?
“I don’t want to go, honestly. Does that make me a bad daughter?”
It had been years, and every year I felt the same dread. Just like I had the same questions. And I hated it. I hated being like this: too afraid to just tell my parents how I felt about them. Jasmine put down her pencil and focused on me.
“Oh, Eves, I don’t know. I think you need to put in more efforts with them because they are trying. But I also understand why you don’t want to go.”
Yeah, I was a rubbish daughter. I had known it for quite a while. It had been clear when they finally came home and wanted to spend a night with me, and it had felt like they intruded on my life after I had to be on my own for years. It still felt like that when I saw them.
“So I should go?”
Merry Christmas. Your gifts will be uneasiness and guilt.
Jasmine stood next to me. “I didn’t say that.”
“I am a horrible daughter.”
My hands started trembling. She took the knife from my grip and pushed me towards the kitchen table.
“You aren’t. They let you down when you needed them. Feeling the way you do is valid. If you don’t want to be there for Christmas, that’s your right. But I do believe that you should call them a bit more often.”
Small steps. I could do that, right? Then why did the idea alone give me anxiety? I breathed in deeply. That was a problem for future me.
“You’re right.”
“You’re always welcome at my house. My parents absolutely love you.”
I refrained from immediately accepting. I wanted to say yes. After all, I had spent several Christmas Eves at their house, as well as New Year’s Eves. And unlike Jasmine, I loved cooking, so it had always been a fun moment between her mom, her aunties, and me. There was one detail that kept me from accepting.
“Isn’t Theo coming?”
“He is.”
That was reason enough to not go. Aswaa and Nadim were basically my adoptive parents. Back in high school, her dad even accompanied me to a teacher meeting because mine forgot to come. Uncle Nadim even scolded me for talking back to my teacher, then gave me a bear hug as I bawled my eyes out because I was the only kid without her parents. But times had once again changed. Jasmine was with Theo now, and if he was going there for their first Christmas together as a couple, I couldn’t be there. Jasmine included me in everything she could, which I was grateful for. I also knew that Theo wanted her for himself, and I was always in the way.
So I smiled reassuringly, shaking my head. “I’ll stay here.”
“Are you sure?”
I’d have to ask if I could pick up a few extra shifts at the café, otherwise I would be crushed by loneliness. Just the idea of Jasmine being away and the apartment being empty made me sad.
“Positive.”
“Is this because of Theo?” she asked warily.
“It’s not.”
She hit me with a kitchen towel. Why had I picked out a best friend who showed her concern by physically attacking people? Theo hadn’t asked for me not to come. He would never say something to hurt me. If anything, Theo and Jasmine often saw me as the fragile friend who was two seconds away from having a mental breakdown. Christmas always made me feel anxious ever since my parents were present again. It didn’t mean I couldn’t take a hint.
“Yes, it is! Don’t say no because you feel like you have to. Theo loves you!”
Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who had to take a hint. Jasmine and I had always been attached at the hip. I wasn’t sure she realized how often she included me in her plans before thinking about Theo.
“I don’t doubt that. But I am not his girlfriend.”
I had made a point. Jasmine opened her mouth to protest, but no retort came. Her eyes grew sad, and even if I wanted to accept, I couldn’t. Soon they would live together. Maybe it was time for us to learn how to spend time apart.
“I’ll accept it if you promise to be there for Christmas next year.”
A tear fell down when I laughed. Jasmine was my guardian angel. She had always been, and once again, she proved to me why she had become my family.
“I promise.”
Jasmine hugged me from behind, her arms tight around my neck and shoulders. There was dampness on her face as she pressed her cheek against mine.
“I love you, Evy.”
“I love you too.”
***
My phone rang. One look at the name that appeared on the screen and my heart fell to the floor. There were only so many times I could ignore her before it became too obvious.
“Hi, Mom.”
My too-cheerful voice made me cringe. My mom didn’t seem to notice.
“Hi, darling, how are you?”
“Good, how are you?”
“Good.”
My mom chatted away for a few minutes, and I let her, barely hearing anything over how loud the rushing of my blood sounded in my ears. It was ridiculous how anxious these moments made me. Not that I could help it. Then came the painful subject.
“What would you like to eat when you come home for the holidays?”
My palms were so sweaty that my phone kept slipping in my grip. This was going to be a disaster. I took a deep breath to steel my nerves, then jumped up from my desk to pace the room. There we go .
“I’m not coming home this year.”
I had to use the word, no matter how wrong it tasted. If I also told my mother that her home wasn’t mine anymore, things would truly escalate. Things would already escalate as it was. There was the sound of a chair scraping against the floor on her side of the call, which probably meant that she sat down.
“What do you mean?” she asked calmly.
Too calm. Her composure made me queasy.
“I have a lot of preparations to do for my upcoming exams, and I promised Kristen that I would take some shifts during the holiday, since most students go home.”
Technically, I had begged her to give me a few shifts so that I had an excuse to not go. I could say a lot of things about my parents, except that they didn’t care about keeping promises. That would’ve been a lie.
“But we were supposed to celebrate Christmas together.”
My father said something in the background that I couldn’t hear. From the way he sounded, he wasn’t too pleased by the announcement either. Well, too bad.
“I know, I’m sorry.”
I was sorry to disappoint her. I really was. Just not enough to change my plans. I had a choice to make between being a good daughter, and sanity. And just this once, I chose sanity. No matter how selfish that might be.
“You should’ve told us sooner.”
She did her best not to sound too upset. I had to give her credit where it was due.
“I know. I’m sorry,” I said again.
“Alright. Try to not overwork yourself.”
“I’ll do my best.”
And as if there was nothing positive left to be said, my mom bid me farewell. Once the call from hell was finally over, I let out a breath. A little voice in my head whispered that this would probably bite me in the ass later, but I told her to shut up. I had just scored two weeks of peace of mind. It was worth it.