Be My Forever

Chapter 19

Jasmine was running through the apartment like a mad woman. Or at least, that was how Theo and I saw her. She was going to her parents for a few days only, and yet she was fretting like she was leaving for months. It probably had to do with all the presents she had found for her family.

When she went back to her room, Theo turned to me. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For stepping back and allowing me to merge into her family.”

In other words: thank you for not coming. Of course, Theo had known Aswaa and Nadim as long as I had. Jasmine just hadn’t bothered telling her parents that she and Theo were a thing until recently. That was probably the less-than-fun part of having a sometimes overbearing and overprotective father who hadn’t been ready for his little girl to be a woman. Now it was pretty much clear that they would stay together, and that they wanted a future together after college. I didn’t fit inside this scenario. It was alright. I would have many more opportunities to see Aswaa and Nadim.

I nodded. “Enjoy the holiday for me.”

“I’m sorry you have to spend Christmas alone because of me.”

“Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”

We loaded Jasmine’s little car with their bags and presents. I was already dreading the empty home once I went back inside.

Jasmine gave me a tight hug. “You can still change your mind and come with us.”

I eyed the back seats full of bags and boxes. Unless they put me on the roof or buried me under the presents, that would be a tad bit complicated.

I shook my head. “Give them a big hug for me.”

“I will,” she promised.

Back inside, I let out a long sigh. Well, this was it then. Suddenly it was too silent. Too empty.

“Alright Evelyn, we can make this night work.”

I put myself to work and lit all the candles I could find. Jasmine and I never went big with Christmas decorations. All we had was a tiny, overdecorated Christmas tree that still smelled like plastic after three years of use. I even put on Taylor’s Version of 1989 and poured myself a drink. Still, I couldn’t shake the emptiness away. Christmas was so overrated. There was no point in doing it if there was no one to celebrate it with.

My stomach grumbled, so I grabbed some carrots and a cauliflower from the fridge. At least I could make myself an aperitif, right? If I was going to be sad, I could at least be sad but fancy.

Snow was falling on the city. The snow and the Christmas lights gave the city a magical hue. Even from here, I could hear the Christmas songs playing on the speakers outside. I took a big gulp of my Passoa. Maybe I should study. That way, at least, I wouldn’t be wasting my time. A loud knock on the door made me jump from my chair. Please, let it not be a choir. As I opened the door, I found Danté outside. He showed me a dark bottle.

“Got room for one more?”

Danté gave me a little smile, and I found myself nodding.

“Uhm, I have. Please come in.”

His hair was wet from the snow, and some melted snowflakes clung to his lashes. The cold had also given his cheeks a cute rosy colour. As I stepped aside, Danté went straight to my kitchen.

“Where are the glasses?”

“Most right upper shelf. But we don’t own champagne glasses.”

Jasmine and I were cocktail girls. And students. We always drank our booze in regular glasses. Or little shot glasses that Theo had once brought here. I watched Danté move around my kitchen, unsure of what was happening to me. Why was he here? Had the skies heard my silent prayer and sent me an angel? Danté hummed with “Style” as he filled two mustard glasses with sparkling wine, and I was surprised to hear how soothing his voice was. Or that he even knew the tune of the song. When he gave me my drink, I felt the corners of my mouth tilt.

“Thank you.”

“You can smile, Squirrel. Christmas is made for you to be happy.”

“Christmas is a day like any other.”

Both of us were dressed in all black. Could we be any more festive? And yet, I liked the fact that our outfits were coordinated, even if it hadn’t been on purpose. He clanked his Pua glass against my Iron Man one.

“Maybe it is, but it is also meant to spend it with people you care about.”

“And yet you are here.”

“And yet I am here,” he agreed.

So I gave him a smile – a real, toothy one. Danté dropped a kiss on my forehead. The gesture was so sweet I found my cheeks hurting from smiling so hard. His eyes were as gentle as ever, and I thanked the skies for sending him to my doorstep. Danté looked at the plate full of pieces of raw carrot and cauliflower I had left untouched.

“Were you about to eat?”

“I was. I’m afraid I didn’t calculate for two people, but I have some instant ramen.”

It was absolutely pathetic. Who would want to eat instant noodles today? And yet, Danté smiled, as if he was truly having a good time.

“That sounds like the perfect Christmas Eve meal, doesn’t it?”

I could kiss him for being so positive. The loneliness I had felt earlier vanished. Now there was only him. Danté grabbed the plate with the veggies and went back to the living room. I followed him dumbly.

“We should watch a movie.”

I hummed in agreement. “Now that sounds divine. Do you have anything in mind?”

“How about a horror movie?”

I paused. He was joking, right? “Do you want me dead?”

He rolled his eyes. “Please don’t tell me you are team Christmas movies.”

I made a gagging noise. Never had I liked Christmas movies. For someone who loved clichés, Christmas movies hadn’t been a genre I had learned to appreciate.

“I don’t like either one. I prefer romcoms.”

Although Jasmine often said I was the real-life version of the Grinch because of my prickly personality.

Danté plopped down on the couch before showing me a smirk. “How surprising.”

Yeah, there was nothing surprising about me. I knew that. I was also fine with that knowledge. The unsurprising, curly-haired Grinch. Seemed rather fitting.

“What’s wrong with that? I like light-hearted stuff. If we watch a horror movie, I won’t be able to sleep for a week, and I’ll jump at every sound that I hear.”

“At least it would distract you from the gloomy mood you were in.”

He was rather good at convincing people to do what he wanted. I had no doubt about that.

“You have a point there,” I admitted.

“So…”

I sighed loudly as I let myself fall on the couch, just to spill some of my drink on my shirt. “I can’t believe I am agreeing to this!”

Who knew that he could cackle like an evil witch?

I pointed at him. “Just know that if I have nightmares, you’re going to keep me company at night.”

Danté swatted my pointy finger away, looking at me in fake shock. “Naughty Squirrel! Is that your way of asking me to spend the night?”

“I was going to tell you to sleep on the floor.” I shrugged.

I would’ve actually asked him to join me under the covers. Not that I would give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

“Cold-hearted woman.”

What was meant as a mere joke on his part felt like an arrow shot straight into my core. It struck so deep that I couldn’t even pretend to laugh. Tears blurred the outer part of my vision.

“You really think so?”

All traces of humour left him. Before anything could happen, he took the glass from my hands to put it aside. Danté wrapped his arms around my shoulders and pulled me closer.

“No Evelyn, I don’t think you are cold at all. If anything, you hide how sensitive you are behind biting comments and faked nonchalance.”

Then the dam behind my eyes broke down. My whole body shook as I cried, and I was unable to stop the flow of tears. Danté rubbed my back softly, cradling me even closer. If this wasn’t a jolly Christmas, then I don’t know what could possibly take the cake. When the tears finally subdued, I tried to pull away, but Danté just held me tight. I patted my cheeks dry with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I am fine. You can let me go.”

If I was completely honest, I didn’t want him to let me go. It was nice to be held like this, like there was no one else in the world but us. Or as if there was nowhere else he’d rather be. Danté didn’t move.

“You’re not. Tell me what’s hurting you.”

Instead of trying to pull away a second time, I just let myself enjoy the feeling. Danté’s heart had a slow, steady beat, and his smell was divine. Fresh laundry, and a hint of rubbing alcohol. I closed my eyes, and everything tumbled out of my mouth. At no point did he let me go.

“What are you so afraid of?” he asked, his voice soft like velvet.

The question echoed in my head, making me dizzy. My head rolled back against his shoulder when I looked up. Worry made him frown. I didn’t even want to think how I looked, yet it didn’t seem to matter to him. Danté pushed some hair strands from my forehead, his fingers lingering on my temple. I forced myself to ponder over the question. My stomach churned.

“That I find out that I can’t forgive them for abandoning me. It’s so selfish, and I hate myself for it, but I can’t help feeling this way.”

Bile burned the back of my throat once the words were out. I ran for the toilet just in time as I vomited the contents of my stomach. Acid tears burned my eyes while I retched. If only this would stop. There was a noise behind me, but I couldn’t register what it was until a hand squeezed my shoulder.

“Evy, let go.”

I blinked against the tears and saw that I was holding the toilet for dear life. I let myself fall back as Danté flushed the toilet for me. He dabbed my face with a wet cloth. I had had many lows in my life, but this had to be the lowest point I could possibly reach.

“Sorry,” I croaked. “This is probably the worst Christmas you could ask for.”

One of the corners of his mouth went up. “It sure is an eventful night.”

I could feel my lips tremble from guilt.

“I don’t regret being here. Please don’t cry because of me.” Danté wiped my eyes with the cloth ever so gently. “There is nothing selfish about wanting your parents to be there for you, especially if they weren’t there for years. I think you should give them a chance to prove that they are here now, just like you should give yourself the chance to forgive them. But if you find out that you can’t, that is your right.”

Was it though? I felt torn between being ungrateful and being ready to give up. Danté offered me a hand. I looked at it, unable to know what he wanted. He was smiling patiently.

“The floor is cold. Let’s go back to the living room.”

I nodded and let him help me up. Once I had brushed my teeth, I left the bathroom. Danté was already scrolling on Netflix, searching for a movie. I plopped down on the couch, not even pretending to have any grace left. If a guy had seen me puke, there was no going back from there. Danté kept seeing the worst sides of me, and I appreciated the fact that he was around after everything. There was a can of Coke on the low table. I smiled at the attention.

“Thank you,” I said before taking a sip of the soda. “I swear I don’t get mental breakdowns like these very often.”

“I’m just glad you weren’t alone.”

That made me think.

“How did you know I was going to be here tonight? I don’t recall telling you I wouldn’t go anywhere.”

“Jasmine told me.”

The smile fell from my face. He was here because Jasmine had asked him to babysit me? Danté looked back at me when I didn’t respond.

“She didn’t ask me to be here, if that is what you are wondering. We just talked about it a few days ago.”

“Then why are you here?”

“I worked today, and I didn’t have anything planned.”

I raised an eyebrow, and Danté silently laughed. He pushed on my forehead with his pointer finger until I stopped making that face. I pouted instead.

“You don’t believe me, do you?”

“Not quite.”

“Can you accept the fact that I might just want to spend the evening with you?”

I couldn’t stop the stupid smile from blooming on my face. Danté’s face relaxed. It didn’t really matter what had pushed him to me tonight. He was here, and that was more than I could’ve wished for.

“You should’ve just said that.”

He was studying me, kind of as if he couldn’t believe what was in front of him.

I shifted in my seat under his scrutiny. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

It was a miracle that after everything he had seen tonight, he was still here, and still smiling.

“It’s interesting to see who you are on the inside.”

“My inner self is a mess. I hope you won’t see her again.”

“Most of us are a mess but are too afraid to show others what makes us human. You shouldn’t be afraid to show that side of you.”

“Stop talking, or I might start crying again.”

In the end, we ended up watching The Conjuring . That was apparently a scary movie that “wasn’t so bad”. Or so Danté said. The lights were off, and even though the movie had barely begun, I found myself staring at Danté every now and then. It was weird that we sat next to each other with enough space for an extra person between us. What had happened earlier didn’t mean anything. He was still Danté, and I was just Squirrel, the weird neighbour. If only I could go back to earlier, when his arms were around me and I could listen to his heartbeat.

Danté slightly turned his head, and he grinned. Of course he had caught me staring. “Are you scared already?”

“No,” I lied.

Like the scaredy cat I was, I jumped when the hands clapped behind the lady. Danté chuckled, and I felt my cheeks grow hot. What a dumb idea to agree to watch a scary movie when I couldn’t even handle action movies with lots of violence. He motioned me to come closer, so without thinking it over, I nestled against him. I quickly put the soft blanket over us both before resting my head against his torso. Danté put his arm over my shoulders and pulled me closer, just like he had done earlier. And with his heartbeat being the main sound, the movie wasn’t so atrocious anymore. Danté’s watch lit up at one point, and he looked down at me.

“Merry Christmas, Evy.”

And in its own, twisted way, this Christmas Eve had been perfect. All thanks to the man sitting next to me. I beamed at him.

“Merry Christmas, Danté.”

***

The first thing I noticed was the amount of light around me. Had I forgotten to close the curtains? The other thing that was out of place was the unusual warmth that surrounded me. Yet my mind felt completely at ease. I cracked an eye open, only to find a sleeping Danté under me. How had I even landed on top of him? He was everywhere. The sight. The smell. His body. Our legs were intertwined, and his arm was draped over my shoulders. How long had we been lying like this? A soft, tingling heat spread through my body. His hair was messy, a few strands on his forehead. Danté seemed so peaceful, almost youthful in the winter sunshine. All I had to do was move my head forward a few centimetres for my lips to touch his. I found myself smiling. Now this was a sight I would love to wake up to every day. I reached my hand out towards his face but hesitated mid-air. What now?

“Enjoying the view?” he rasped.

I froze on the spot. Had he been awake all this time? I meekly let my hand fall back. Here I had been staring at him like a creep. The worst part? It hadn’t gone unnoticed. Danté’s eyes fluttered open, his blue eyes locking with mine.

“Hi,” I tried.

“Hi.”

His voice was raspy from sleep, and gods, it did something to me. A little smile played on his mouth. He didn’t look away. I breathed in deeply. I have no idea what gave me the courage to move. Was it his smell that was intoxicating me, or the feeling of our bodies pressed together? I finally reached forward and removed the blonde strands from his forehead. They were soft against my fingers. I waited for Danté to tell me to move. He didn’t. His arm moved before he let his hand rest on the small of my back.

“What are your plans today?” he asked.

“I’m going to visit my grandmother. Other than that, I think I’ll just study.”

He hummed in response.

“What will you do?”

“I don’t have any plans.”

“You don’t want to see your parents?” I wondered.

“I see them all the time.”

I should move. Going to Grandma’s house would take a little while. I didn’t want to move. Part of me wanted to stay here with Danté, in this bubble that had become our own. I let my head rest back on his chest. The bubble would pop eventually. I just wanted a moment longer before I had to let him go.

“Where does your grandmother live?”

“Not that far if you have a car.”

Which I didn’t. I didn’t even have a driver’s license. Just the idea of sitting behind a steering wheel gave me anxiety, so I hadn’t bothered trying. Jasmine had once pointed out that my anxiety came from my need for control.

“Can I come with you?”

My head shot back up. “You want to see my grandma?”

“Sure.”

“You… want to see my grandma,” I repeated, as if saying it out loud would give more sense to his words.

Danté shrugged. His face was neutral, but his eyes never left mine. I poked him in the ribs.

“If you want to spend the day with me, you can just say so.”

He huffed but didn’t contradict me. That warm feeling spread further. He turned his head away, and I found myself laughing. It was unlike him to not be vocal about his thoughts.

“Fine. Let’s spend the day together.”

“There you go.”

I sighed before finally getting up. The list of things to do unfolded in my head. Shower, breakfast, makeup. I shook my head. No need to be on a tight schedule on Christmas Day. Danté stretched, and it was then that I noticed that his legs were too long for the couch. That must’ve been a rather uncomfortable night. Yet seeing him lying on my couch like he owned the place did things to my heart. Danté jumped up, ready to move. I giggled. That made him stop in his tracks.

“What is it?”

“You have antennas.”

I smoothed his hair back in its original position. Danté shook his head, and his hair was again all ruffled up.

“I need to shower anyway, so it doesn’t matter.”

“Alright. You can take my key, so you can come back in if I am still in the shower.”

Danté hesitated.

I knew it was because of the key, but I couldn’t help but smirk. “What are you waiting for? Wanna watch me undress?”

He let out a breathy laugh. Once he had my key in his pocket and was about to leave, he turned back. “You wouldn’t walk out of this apartment today if I did.”

My mouth dropped open, but no sound came out. Danté winked before going out. This would be a very long, cold shower.

***

Danté was already in our kitchen when I emerged from the bathroom, still towelling my hair dry. He had swapped his all-black outfit for a lighter blue jean and a cream-coloured knitted sweater. The colours gave him a soft vibe. A devil’s grin appeared on his angel-like face, and all the softness vanished. Part of me wanted to throw an apple at his face to wipe that evil smile off his mouth, the other part wanted to kiss it away. The way his smile turned daring, he probably knew where my thoughts were at. I steeled myself and went for the fridge. Though the thought of us spending the whole day under the covers, exploring each other’s bodies, was more than alluring, I wanted more. We would have that conversation sooner than later. I saw it coming; Danté probably saw it too. But it would have to wait a bit more. If the bubble had to pop, I wanted to enjoy being inside of it as long as possible. Danté was my Christmas present, and I would cherish him, no matter what would happen once the illusion was over.

I made a pumpkin spice latte – yes, pumpkin spice had its place in my diet, even during Christmas – and pushed my mug towards him. Danté shot me a worried glance but sipped anyway. His expression stayed blank, so I waited for him to react. He ended up pushing the mug back to me without commenting. He’d be excellent at poker.

“So?” I asked.

“That’s pumpkin spice, I suppose?”

“Yes. Homemade.”

He was trying to find something nice to say about it. The attention was kind. I raised an amused eyebrow. Danté cleared his throat.

“It’s… bearable.”

I shook my head. That was going to be as positive as it could get.

“Do you want me to make you a regular coffee?”

The playful gleam in his eyes meant something was coming my way.

“I’d rather not. It’s bad for my cortisol levels.”

My smile fell. I looked back at my latte. The coffee inside it was mocking me just as hard as he was.

“Touché,” I sighed, then something hit me. “Wait, you remember that?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I?”

I truly could’ve kissed him then and there. I was used to talking about such subjects without people caring. Except for Jasmine, no one really listened. Even Eleanor wasn’t able to do more than pretend like it was interesting.

“I am just surprised that you listened.”

Danté scrunched his brows, a muscle in his jaw twitching. I had said something wrong, hadn’t I?

“That’s rather insulting.”

I grabbed my mug with both hands to keep them occupied. “I didn’t mean that you’re not someone who listens. I am just surprised that you cared about my food facts. Most people don’t.”

“I am not most people.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“And most people don’t care about you the way that I do.”

My head snapped back up. Danté got up and placed himself in front of me. His gaze was so gentle and so open I couldn’t hold it. I wanted to tell him what I felt. Those feelings were so big and beautiful, but especially terrifying. Icy panic rushed through my system, making it hard to breathe. What would happen if I said them? Did he care enough to want to give a chance to long-distance? Did he even want me that way? Danté’s gaze turned worried, and I had to force myself to snap out of it.

I didn’t know what the future held, just like I didn’t know if his feelings were of the same magnitude as mine were. One thing was sure, however. Danté cared. A lot. Because he was here, now, while there were hundreds of other places he could’ve been instead.

“I know,” I admitted.

Danté put his forehead against mine. I inhaled his scent, which was becoming the theme of my holiday. It was easier to spend time together without putting a label on it. That label could change too much too fast. That conversation would have to wait a few more days; I wasn’t ready to put my heart on the line.

“Thank you.”

His eyes went wide. “What for?”

“For caring.”

I couldn’t complain. I had never been alone, not really – some people had always cared for me. It didn’t change the fact that when it came to Danté, him caring for me the way he did made me feel like I could move mountains.

Danté looked like he wanted to comment, but smiled instead. “Are you ready to move?”

I nodded before grabbing the box of Ferrero Rocher I had bought for Grandma. I still felt silly for always buying her nothing but chocolate. I also knew that if I didn’t get her those, she would smack me with her ten-pound handbag. When I was a kid, it had been all I could afford. So for years, I had given her a box of chocolates. Even though it was just that, Grandma always acted like it was the best gift one could hope for. The day I finally had more than twenty euros in my pocket, I had offered her jewellery. I thought she would be happy with something else, something better. Instead, she had asked me why I had stopped with the chocolates because that was the only gift she looked forward to every year. The Ferrero Rocher had become our little tradition.

Once we were in the car, reality downed on me. Danté was coming with me to see Grandma, and I hadn’t warned her that he was coming. Gods. I didn’t even know what I was supposed to tell her. Panic began to set in. It was unlike me to do something without thinking about the consequences. Breathe, Evy . It was too late now. Danté was coming. The only thing I knew for sure was that she would adore him. I smiled at the idea. The panic vanished as quickly as it had appeared. This could be fun.

“Red” came on the radio, and I bobbed my head to the beat. It wasn’t the first Taylor Swift song that had come up since we got in the car. When the song switched, and it was another one of her tracks, I knew.

“You put her Red album on.”

Not just the album. Taylor’s Version.

“I did,” he answered without taking his attention off the traffic.

It was the first time that I saw him listening to something other than metal, or the darker beats that were on his sex playlist.

“You like it?”

He had hummed to one of her albums yesterday. Maybe he was also a Swiftie?

“Not particularly.”

First of all, ouch . Taylor was my queen, and a beacon of light when I was sad. Most people don’t care about you the way that I do . This was too sweet. Danté was playing a dangerous game, but so was I.

“You’re setting the bar too high.”

His hand found its place on my thigh. He squeezed gently. “Good.”