Chapter 22
I was changing in my bedroom when I heard the front door open. It was the shriek that made me hurry back to the living room before I had the time to even put my shirt on.
“Who are you, and what are you doing in my daughters’ apartment?”
Oh, fuck me. I could hear Danté answer, without understanding what he was saying. When I got there, they all stared at me with wide eyes. Danté’s eyes went from my head to my bra. He quickly turned away, and I felt my face heat up. I quickly put the shirt on before running towards them. I hugged Nadim before jumping towards his wife.
“Auntie Aswaa!”
Jasmine’s mom gave me three kisses – one kiss on one cheek, and two on the other – before giving me a tight hug. She smelled so nice. It was the same roses and bergamot perfume I’ve always associated with her, and it made me tear up. The smell was comforting. She held me at arm’s length and watched me. She cupped my cheek, smiling brightly.
“Merry Christmas, Amirti . You look good. How was your holiday?”
Chaotic. Nerve-wracking. Out of control. A myriad of words came to mind, yet I couldn’t bring myself to say them out loud. I searched Danté, not knowing what to say. He stepped closer, something that didn’t go unnoticed by Aswaa and Nadim. Both raised a brow. Aswaa joined her hands.
“We met your neighbour. Is there something you want to tell us, Amirti ?”
I gulped. I hadn’t really cared when I had introduced Robert to my parents. It wasn’t like I’d seen us as something that would last long. It was the same reason I hadn’t bothered introducing him to Jasmine’s parents. No one had really been fond of us being together, and I didn’t want them to disapprove or to be disappointed in me. They had known about Robert. No more, no less. Now they both looked at Danté who was standing too close to be a mere acquaintance or a simple friend. It hit me how badly I wanted them to know him. Except that I couldn’t tell them what I wanted. I eyed Danté, only to find him waiting expectantly, his head ever so tilted to the side. My stomach twisted.
“I fought with my parents on Christmas Day,” I admitted, letting my head fall down. “Danté has been my rock these last few days.”
The shame still had a bitter-sour taste on my tongue, yet I hadn’t found the courage nor the will to call my parents to apologize. I knew I had to do it. The wound would only fester the longer I waited. I also knew that right now I wouldn’t mean the apology. And lying somehow felt just as bad, if not worse.
“Evelyn, what happened?” Uncle Nadim asked in a gentle voice, trying not to spook me.
Breathing became difficult, and it seemed like no matter how much air I sucked in, it wasn’t enough. A warm hand touched my back, then I could smell fresh laundry. I swallowed back the tears.
“I said things I shouldn’t have said.”
Aswaa and Nadim glanced at each other, their expressions sad but not surprised. It had been a long time coming.
“You should come home and we’ll talk about it,” Auntie offered without pushing.
That had always been the way they handled me. Auntie would make couscous or chicken with olives, and we would talk about all my worries around fresh mint tea. Once I had bawled my eyes out, they consoled me with food and their presence. It had always worked like a charm. Not because the only way to handle me was by feeding me – which was always a nice bonus – but because they understood how much it meant to have a parental figure who would devote their evening to my emotional well-being.
I nodded. “I’d love to.”
Jasmine and Theo walked in, and my best friend rushed to me to give me a hug. She squeezed me, and I squeezed back.
“Oh gosh, I missed you,” I whispered.
Less than a week had gone by, yet it felt like Jasmine had been gone for weeks.
“I missed you too, Eves.”
When she looked up, her brows shot up as Danté greeted her with a nod. Jasmine questioned me silently.
“I’ll fill you in later.”
Having all these people in our small home seemed to be the cue for Danté to go back to his own place. When he said goodbye, Nadim and Theo seemed to be relieved to see him go. Aswaa on the other hand, analysed everything, undisturbed and completely aware of everything that was left unsaid. Once we were in the hall, and the chatter of my family had picked up, I let myself breathe.
“It’s time that I give back your key.”
Before I could take his key from my key ring, Danté shook his head.
“I’d rather you keep it.”
“Why?”
“In case you might need it someday.”
My insides turned hot. It had been nice to be allowed to walk in and out of his home, a bit as if Danté had given me a key to his life. Keeping it made me too cheerful. I tried to hide it.
“That sounds a bit like a marriage proposal.”
Danté let out a breathy laugh. I didn’t want him to leave. I was also aware that I had to let him go at some point. Danté had been the best thing that could’ve happened to me these last few days. It didn’t mean I could keep him forever. Life would have to go on again.
“Well, you already know how good I look in a tux.”
The fucker knew how much I had appreciated seeing him wearing one, didn’t he? His attention on my face was unsettling, kind of like he knew what I was thinking inside that skull of mine. There was no point in lying.
I nodded. “I can’t argue with you on that one.”
Danté turned back to his own door.
“Thank you for having my back. I don’t know how I could ever repay you, but…”
“I don’t want you to repay me, Evelyn. I’ll always be there if you need me.”
This time I couldn’t keep the smile at bay. Had Danté chosen to be the person who would always fight my corner?
“Then I am grateful.”
Before he could leave, I went over to hug him. His arms found their way around my shoulders, and I let myself enjoy the moment. When he finally let me go, it didn’t feel that hard to see him go anymore. Danté pressed a kiss against my temple.
“I’ll see you around.”
Once his door was closed, I let out a shaky breath. It was time to break the bubble and to ask Danté out.
***
My nerves were eating me alive, so much so that I was afraid I would collapse from dizziness. In the distance, Alex waved as he walked over to us, Danté’s roommate and two girls with him. A blondie and a brunette. The blonde girl didn’t pay us much mind, but the brunette did. She looked at my friends with interest. She was absolutely gorgeous with piercing dark eyes and high cheekbones, and man was she tall. Though it was freezing out here, her caramel-coloured skin was glowing. How she did it, I had no idea, but I would love to know her skincare routine. Was she Alex’s girlfriend? As soon as Alex greeted us, the girl flung herself at Danté, arms around his neck. The way his arms tightened around her and his eyes crinkled from smiling, my heart dropped. There was no way she was Alex’s girlfriend. No one would be fine with his girlfriend hugging and kissing another guy. Jasmine and Theo shot me worried glances, so I put on a reassuring smile, even if on the inside, I didn’t feel reassured at all. This was not going according to plan. When she finally let Danté go, she looked at us. She grabbed my hand. Even her hands were warm in this weather.
“Hi, I am Manal.”
“Evelyn.”
Her eyes widened comically. “Oh! You’re the squirrel girl!”
Now it became harder to keep my smile in place. Squirrel girl? That’s how Danté talked about me? I inhaled loudly.
“For you, it’s Evelyn.”
The conversation around us stopped, and all eyes weighed on me. Had they really thought I’d enjoy being called squirrel girl by a stranger? Danté’s jaw tightened. I squared my shoulders, my smile never faltering. Manal’s brows shot up, and she let go of my hand like my touch had burned her. The atmosphere became heavy and awkward.
“Let’s go,” I said.
Without looking if anyone had gotten rid of their stupor, I started walking. The fairy lights and jolly music only made me feel more out of touch with the rest of the world. There had been nothing merry about this Christmas. The only thing that I waited for now was New Year. I wasn’t a huge fan of making resolutions. It never seemed like something people did genuinely or made happen. New Year’s resolutions were practically made to be forgotten after a few days, or a few weeks. I hoped that next year would be a little bit gentler; a year where dreams could become true, even if they were small ones.
I stopped at a jenever stand. The carefree chatter of my friends and the others had returned, but I didn’t have the energy to mingle. Jasmine had insisted on us going so that I would leave the apartment, and see other faces. It would’ve been better if I had stayed at home. They ordered several shots, so I did the same. Everyone clanked their plastic shot glasses, all smiles. I couldn’t even look at their happy faces without feeling myself grow cold inside. I downed a shot of apple and cherry jenever, then I downed all my shots. Danté looked at me with worry, but it was easier to ignore him.
The group moved again, and I ended up walking behind. It was easier to stay silent when no one was next to me. Every now and then, Jasmine searched for me. She knew me well enough to leave me alone as long as there would be an audience around us. I wanted to tell her to not worry about me and to enjoy the evening; no sound came out.
Manal grabbed Danté’s arm, hugging it as they walked farther. Conversation and smiles were so easy between them, unlike how they were between us most of the time. I was way over my head, wasn’t I? I had been a fool for thinking these last few days meant anything. If sweet, kind girls like Manal existed and made him smile, the messed-up ones like me had no place here.
Alex, who had been with Jasmine a few moments earlier, adapted his pace to mine.
“Are you okay, Little One?”
I scowled at him. “Just because you’re tall doesn’t mean you get to call me little.”
White clouds left his mouth when he huffed. We walked in silence for a few more seconds, until Alex put his hand on my wrist.
“I’m serious. What’s going on?”
I opened my mouth to tell him to fuck off, that I was fine. It would’ve been a lie, and Alex was too good at reading character to buy any of my lies. My eyes stopped on Manal who was feeding Danté a steaming, sugar-loaded beignet from one of the little stands. They both laughed when she accidentally smeared powdered sugar on his face. Alex followed my gaze, his brows scrunching together.
“I wanted to ask him out tonight,” I admitted softly. “Do you think I waited too long?”
Alex clucked his tongue in annoyance, still watching his friend. When he turned back to me, his expression softened. “I don’t know. He’s giving me mixed signals too.”
My breath hitched in my throat. If only I could go back home and pretend like tonight had never happened.
I looked at the Ferris wheel and the coloured lights that lit it up. As a kid, I loved these. It felt freeing to be so high up, and to see as far as one could. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone in one, or if I had enjoyed it enough. I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it as much now. Seeing the world from a distance might give me some perspective, just like seeing the world as one glowing, happy painting might make me feel more out of touch with the world I couldn’t connect with.
“Do you want to take a ride?”
I startled, only to find Danté standing next to me. Everyone else stood a few feet farther, everyone including Manal. The fairy lights gave him a golden glow. In another world, Danté could’ve been an angel who walked out of a fairy-tale. In this one, he was the one who could make my heart beat faster, just like he could make it stop beating altogether. That thought alone made me numb. Children were laughing in the queue of the Ferris wheel. If only I could have their carefree mind. If only I could stop living in my own fucked-up head that had to fuck up everything.
“Evy, are you alright?” he asked as I hadn’t answered. “You’ve been aloof this whole evening.”
“I’m fine.”
Jasmine walked over and positioned herself next to me. “Let’s go on the Ferris wheel! You love those.”
I appreciated the fact that she tried to make me feel better. I found myself nodding, the last bit of my energy being crushed when Manal arrived and put her elbow on Jasmine’s shoulder like they had been friends for a while. How long had I stopped seeing what was happening around me?
“Awesome! Danté, let’s go!”
“I’m going with Evelyn.”
Manal looked in my direction with bright eyes. I wasn’t being fair, so I mustered the last bit of courage I had and attempted a smile.
“You can go together. I’ll go with Jasmine.”
We all queued for the ride. Alex and his friends went in the first cabin, then it was Danté and Manal’s turn. She tugged him inside, and he almost tripped over his feet when he lost his balance.
I turned to Jasmine and Theo. “I’m going home.”
My best friend’s face turned sad. I felt bad for her.
“I can go with you,” she offered.
I shook my head. Unlike me, Christmas was important for her, and she loved Christmas markets. It would be better if she could enjoy the evening without my sadness tainting it.
“I don’t want to ruin your night, but I can’t stay here. Please.”
Jasmine gave me a tight hug before stepping inside the cabin with her boyfriend. Once they were all in the Ferris Wheel, I went home. Far away from the music, the laughter, or the happiness of others that just couldn’t become my own today. When I grabbed the key to my apartment, my eyes stopped on the key of the door behind me. I opened Danté’s apartment and looked at the place. It seemed like just the two of us being here had been a lifetime ago when it had only been yesterday. I laid the key down on the low table. It was better like this than to live in a world of pretence and false realities. Then I returned to the darkness of my own bedroom and let myself fall in a slumber.