Chapter 35
I had never really thought about where the term broken heart came from. It had always seemed more figurative than literal. When I heard the term “broken heart” I always pictured an emoji or a stupid pink picture of a heart torn in two. Today those words finally got a meaning. Maybe it was called a broken heart because it felt like our hearts couldn’t deal with the pain. The rate of my ticker was always off; most of the time, it was going too fast to the point it felt like I would collapse, but when it slowed down, it cramped painfully. Now I also understood why the heart was ripped in the middle. It felt like mine was torn in two, one of the halves I had lost still with Danté, except that it had stopped beating. And there was nothing I could do to fill the hole in my chest where that other part used to be. Just thinking of his name made me breathless.
The first days, I didn’t leave the house. Sometimes someone knocked on our door – I never opened it. I couldn’t let myself see him. If I let Danté in, I didn’t know what I would do. Would I scream? Yell? Ask him to stay with me? Or worse, would I ask him to take me back, even if he had planned our breakup for weeks, or maybe months? How low would I let myself fall for love? I knew that if he had asked me to leave everything behind and to go with him, I would have. Probably not forever, but I would have found a way. The worst part was that I had been the only one ready to compromise. I couldn’t force Danté to compromise when his mind had been made all along. My phone had also been ringing all day. Sometimes it was messages, but mostly calls. At one point, I turned off the device. It was easier to pretend that the reality I found myself in was a dream when the buzzing didn’t bring me back to where I stood.
Danté: Please stop ignoring me. We need to talk.
Evy: There is nothing to talk about. We’re not together anymore.
My vision blurred once I sent the message. I was done pretending. Typing those words had been a wake-up call. We had broken up. It would take me a while to get over it; maybe it would be a scar that would always hurt. One thing was sure, I couldn’t keep hiding in my room any longer. Not when I had to go to the cafe for my shift. So I did what I did best: I made lists.
Showering
Skincare and dressing up
Shift at the café
I looked back at my attire. I had worn Danté’s old sweater for days, to the point his smell had worn off. There was no point in keeping this up. I tore the page out of the notebook and started anew.
Collect Danté’s stuff
Showering
Skincare and dressing up
Bringing his stuff back
Shift at the café
Without wasting any more time, I grabbed a cardboard box from our pantry and went to the kitchen. I took his black mug from the shelf, then went back to my room. The first thing I threw in the box was the sweater I had been wearing. Then I went to the wardrobe and took out the few shirts and sweatpants he had left there. His wireless phone charger went in the box too. It felt like I put a piece of me in that stupid box, but I had to move forward. So I took a burning hot shower to scrub away the sadness. And I would ask Chloe and Kristen if they would agree if I changed my Tuesday shift to another day. Any day would be fine. I could convince Elijah too to slightly change my shift and internship schedule.
When I went into the kitchen with the box, Jasmine frowned.
“What is that?” she asked.
“Danté’s stuff. I’m going to give them back.”
“Are you going to talk to him?”
She had disapproved of me ignoring his calls. Jasmine was more straightforward than I could ever be. Here I was about to disappoint her even more. I shook my head. She let out a long sigh.
“Eves, you need to talk to him. Just dropping his stuff on his porch is going to backfire, and you know it.”
“That is a problem for future me.”
Even though she wanted to protest, Jasmine let it go. If she was more straightforward than I was, I was the more stubborn one. I dropped a kiss on her cheek before taking my jacket. Fake it till you make it, is what they say. I could do this. All I had to do was keep going, and I would get better. Someday. I could do this. I quickly looked in the hallway to make sure it was empty. I dropped the box in front of his door. Then I made a run for the entrance of the building. Keep going. We’ll be fine.
***
I could see Danté storming towards the café and fled to the kitchen before he could even catch a glimpse of me here. Chloe saw me run and followed. The bell chimed, which meant that my short-lived peace was officially over. My heart was beating painfully fast in my chest.
“Evelyn Somers, you better get out here right now,” he bellowed from the front room.
Chloe’s eyes went wide at the aggressive tone. I felt my limbs freeze. The only time Danté had ever raised his voice at me was that night at the bowling.
“What did you do?” she whispered.
“I put his stuff on his porch without telling him.”
She ran a hand over her face. This was as bad as it looked. Probably worse.
“Oh God, Evy.”
“Please tell him I'm not here.”
Chloe wasn’t one to pity me, or to help me if she knew I could do it myself. If anything, she always pushed me to become better. Today was the day she understood that I needed her to support me, not to push me.
“Fine.”
She went back inside.
“Hi, can I help you?”
Chloe was a boss when it came to being professional. I could practically see her calm demeanour and reassuring smile.
“Where is she?”
“Evy? She’s not working today.”
There was a scoff. Please make it work .
“Okay, I am not that stupid. She never misses a day of work. Evelyn, come out of that kitchen before I get you out of there!”
My colleague shot me a sorry glance. As soon as Danté saw me, he pointed an accusing finger at my face.
“You...”
A few customers shot us wary glances. I gulped under the sudden attention. This was so going to be a disaster.
“Let's not do this inside, please.”
Annoyance flashed in his eyes, but Danté nodded before storming out of the shop. I followed him outside, heart beating too fast. Oh dear. Jasmine had been right. As soon as the door closed, he exploded.
“You broke up with me through a text!” he hissed. “And you left my stuff on my porch.”
I'll admit it wasn’t my smartest choice. Though at that time, it felt better to make a stupid choice than to face him. Now, I still had no idea what I was supposed to say to him. My plans hadn’t gone that far into detail. For once, I found myself completely unprepared for what was happening, and no amount of lists and thorough planning could’ve changed that.
I shrugged. “And? No one would’ve stolen a few worn shirts.”
No one except for me, that is. A part of me had wanted to keep at least one sweater. At least then, I would always have something from him. I also knew that clinging to the memory of us wouldn’t help.
Danté scowled. “I am not talking about the clothes, and you know it.”
“Then what do you want, Danté?”
“We're fucking adults!” he yelled, opening his arms. “You should’ve told me that in person.”
Although my eyes were prickling, I had cried too many tears already. I forced out a fake laugh. Anything was better than crying.
“Oh, because you hiding the fact that you were going to break up was so much more mature.”
Danté’s temper seeped out of him, only to melt away like snow under a scorching sun.
“Evy, I'm trying to talk with you. Can you at least try to put your sarcasm aside for a few minutes?”
“Fine. I didn’t know we were still together when I sent that message.”
“You would’ve known if you opened your door when I tried to see you.”
Again, that hole in my chest opened. I swallowed away the tears. The only thing that had kept me from opening the door was the knowledge that things wouldn’t go differently, no matter what I did. It was better to stop seeing each other again.
“Danté, this doesn’t change anything. Your decision is made. We might as well accept it and rip the Band-Aid off instead of postponing it for a few weeks.”
“Does it really have to end like this?”
“Can it be any different? Can you accept the distance?”
I put my heart on the line by asking the last question. I wanted him to say yes. There was room for him in my plans. There always would be, but only if he wanted to try long distance. Except that he had been more than clear. He didn’t want that. And I couldn’t hold him back here. None of us could be happy that way. Danté knew it too.
“I’m sorry” was all he said.
If there had been anything left of my heart, it was completely shattered now. Who knew that a muscle could be so breakable? A single tear fell down his cheek.
“Once again, that’s not enough. Enjoy your travels.”
Danté pressed a kiss against my forehead. It felt like a brand.
“Be happy, Evy.”
Then he turned away, taking half of me with him, never to be returned again.