29. The Liar
Chapter twenty-nine
The Liar
Abe
M y rage is palpable, and a living entity, as I watch the woman I love sacrifice herself, and her dignity, for the shadow of the man who once would have done anything to defend her. The man that, had anyone else dared make the same request of her, would have gutted that person. There is no way that he’s not cognit that he’s hurting her. Abusing her like so many of the Brotherhood’s women have been over the years. The way Zeke and I abused women before her. I am not a good man, and I don’t profess to be. I will never be able to atone for all the pain and suffering I have caused, and the innocent lives I have taken. My hands are forever stained red, and nothing will ever wash them clean. The women who died at my hands were eternally lost from this world, because I deemed myself more important than they were. Sisters, daughters, and wives, all gone because I had an urge to use them and discard them. It’s not until this very moment, that I realize the extent of the harm that I have caused. Watching my Atasi be degraded, and still attempting to remain strong, in the face of someone who was supposed to honor and cherish her, but instead has taken her trust and ripped it apart. Everything within me demands that I stop this, that I wrap my hands around Sammy’s neck, and remove his ability to breathe the same precious air as my Atasi, but I won’t, because the risk of losing her is too substantial. It’s selfish of me, but I can’t live without her.
Sammy’s breaking down before my eyes, the coldness inside of him melting, as the reality of what he’s done becomes ever-present, with Dinah’s forward motions. His breathing is ragged, as if he’s struggling to get air inside of his lungs. If possible, his already sallow expression gets even worse, as his eyes dart away from her, beads of sweat appearing on his brow. His whole body is wired tightly, and I can see how this is impacting him. He’s not immune or cold to her. He’s a man who believes the venom a demon spewed in his ear, when reality was so much different. Can he forgive her when all this is said and done? Will he be able to forgive himself? It’s a slippery slope that he’s pushing us along, one wrong move, and we will all fall to our deaths.
Zeke’s words sound through my head, and my heart seizes, knowing he is out there alone and waiting, with fear wrapped tightly around him, not knowing what the outcome will be. Do I believe that he will comply with his threat and end Sammy’s life? I have no doubt he will. His love for her is infinite, with no beginning and no end, but Dinah has never been able to see that. She thinks he loves me more, that somehow his heart is mine, and she only retains a small piece, but she’s so fucking wrong. Long before we transitioned from being best friends to also lovers, there was little Dinah Camrose and her prince charming, always ready to ride off together into the sunset, and their happily ever after. I envied their connection, and a part of me wanted the same for myself, with her, and also with him. They are, and have always been, two sides of my heart, never warring with each other, just coexisting.
“Fuck, I... I can’t do this.” Sammy lunges from the bed, a cornered animal attempting to flee, but not getting far. Dinah stops in her motion, staring at him through pain-filled eyes, lost in despair that he has rejected her once again. I almost feel pity for him, but then I glance at my precious Atasi on her knees, tears glistening in her eyes, her lips pressed tightly to suppress her cries. It’s instantly gone and replaced by fury. “It’s not so easy to destroy love, is it, Sammy?” I demand, my hands fisting at my sides with weakening restraint not to pummel him.
“Please...” Sammy’s voice is so small and breathless that I almost miss it, as he presses his forehead firmly into the wall, refusing to look in Dinah’s direction. “Please what? What are you asking for, Sammy?” I move closer, a feral lion ready to protect his mate. When I’m next to him, I witness the tears sliding down his downturned face. They slip past his gaunt, bruised, and whiskered jaw and disappear. “Please... kill me. End my suffering... I don’t want to... hurt her... but I... I can’t.” An anguished sob sounds torn right from the depths of his soul, and causes his body to tremble and cave in more on himself, until he looks so distraught that even the malice in my heart begins to melt at the sight. He can’t even finish his sentence as the tears increase, and he presses himself tighter to the surface of the wall, as if that is the only thing remaining that is keeping him here. “I... hate... her... but I also... love her. She… fuck, she did this to me… no they did this to me… because of her. You… you don’t understand… the horrors… the darkness and betrayal. Fuck… I… I can’t... look at her, without seeing... them.”
“ Them? Noah and his minions?“ His head nods in confirmation. I pry my eyes away from him, and stare at the devastation on Dinah’s features at his words. This will end up destroying both of them, and Zeke and I, by extension. I’m not so obtuse that I don’t realize that Dinah will withdraw from us too when, and if, she loses Sammy for good. I can’t afford to lose her, to lose this, the only family I have truly ever wanted. “You have survived, Sammy. You don’t hate her. You’re just terrified, and have survived something that most wouldn’t have been able to,” I utter the words, and they are as much for him as for myself. I, too, see the faces of my abusers when I close my eyes. I relive the horror of being assaulted by David and his men, the feeling of helplessness, and the guilt that my body betrayed me, betrayed Dinah against my wishes. As much as I want to hurt Sammy for the way he’s treating Dinah, I also have to remember all the shit I’ve put her through too. I am not innocent in any of this.
“Close your eyes,” I demand, my voice gruff and filled with emotions I can’t disguise. He glances at me from the corner of his frightened eye, and I see the mistrust. He thinks I might hurt him, like the others have, and like both Zeke and I have threatened to do. I attempt to soften my harsh tone, “I won’t hurt you, Sammy. I am trying to help you fight the new demons that are following you in the dark, so that you can come back to your Nightstar. I know you don’t trust me, and you have every right to feel that way, but trust that I love her too.” The silence in the room is deafening, each of us is holding our breaths, as we watch and wait to see if Sammy can, and will, comply.
A few tense minutes go by in deep silence, and I’m just about ready to give up, not knowing what else to do to help him, and fearing that he will continue to be a threat to her, when his dark blue eyes close, and a shuddering breath leaves his lips. The sound is so pitiful that it hurts me to hear it. “Okay, good. Don’t move, take a deep breath, and with your eyes closed, tell me a memory you have of Dinah. One that you clung to, to keep yourself alive.” There is a certainty inside of me that she is what kept him from surrendering to death. I am so sure of it, that I am betting all of our lives and futures together on it. At first, no sound escapes him, and I begin to fret that I have failed at my task before we have even commenced, and I may have to kill him. Perhaps he’s too far gone, his mind lost to the ravages of what has been done to him.
Then, slowly, the words begin to leave his strained lips, so low that I can barely hear him, and I’m right next to him. Hope blooms in my chest, filling the cavern that I reserve only for Zeke and Dinah. “She... she, ummm, liked the wildflowers... that grew in the fields... outside of... of our house,” his voice gets stronger with every word, as if the image is playing out in his mind, and providing him with comfort. “She... would run through them and lose herself in their beauty, and heady, floral scent. Often, I... I would go looking for her after she was missing for hours, and... and find her lying on the hard ground, surrounded by wildflowers, butterflies, and honey bees. She always seemed... like a pretty dark-haired fairy, like one from books long ago she made me read. The sun would shine as if it... radiated from inside of her, and she glowed.” He takes a deep breath and pushes his head away from the wall, but his hands are still clenched at his sides. “When her stunning blue-gray eyes would meet mine... fuck, I was... lost. She could have asked anything of me, and I would have refused her nothing.”
A shifting sound has me tearing my eyes away from the broken man before me, who is courageously attempting to find his way back to the woman he loves, back to the light, and out of the darkness. I meet Dinah’s eyes as crystal tears pour down her cheeks. She bites so hard on her bottom lip to stifle her cries, and not pull Sammy out of the safe place he’s in, inside of his mind, that she draws blood. “Keep going. Tell me what you see. What is she wearing in that image?”
“She... had this pale blue, long flowery dress with pockets, that we found at one of the swaps. She loved it so much and wore it all the time, and it was fraying, but she refused to part with it. Her long, dark hair was in one of her thick braids, tied with a yellow ribbon, but strands had escaped, and surrounded her glowing face.” His body releases some of its tension, and his shoulders lose their rigidity. “She had a butterfly perched on her finger. It was one of the pretty reddish-orange ones with white spots, and she was whispering to it, telling it how beautiful it was. All I could think was that she was describing herself. She told it that she longed to be free, that she wished she could fly away with me, and leave behind the Brotherhood, and the expectation of being a sacred wife and daughter. She turned to me and asked me, if we were free, would I marry her?”
He rubs the palm of his bruised hand across his face, a small smile crossing his stern lips. I’m being entirely sucked into his story, my mind conjuring up the image of my Atasi that he’s painting. “I didn’t know what to say at first. I was a lowly guard assigned to ensure her safety, and there was nothing I could offer her. No real way to give her the life that she dreamed of, plus she was already betrothed to Ezekiel, and I feared every single day that he would show up and take her away from me. She wasn’t a naive girl. She was turning twenty, and she knew sooner or later the Brotherhood would come for her. You would come for her.“ He releases a pent-up sigh filled with longing and frustration, the sound hitting me hard as I feel his fear. The fear of losing the woman he loved to us, to a society with absurd rules and expectations, and one he knew would harm the love of his life, belittle her and misuse her, until there was nothing left of her.
“What did you tell her, Sammy? Did you promise her that you would keep her safe?” I’m genuinely curious about his answer. Did he promise her that no harm would come to her, that he would free her from the constraints of the Brotherhood of the Sacrament, knowing full well how impossible that task would be? A pang of jealousy ignites inside of me, at the knowledge that she asked him to marry her, that she wanted a life with him, before Zeke and I returned to play a part in her life. Could they have been happy together if they had managed to escape the Order? I believe they would have. Would Zeke and I have even realized what we were missing? A part of me always felt empty and lacking. It was as if a missing piece had disappeared from me without my recognition. At first, I thought it was the grief of losing Gabriel, but more and more, I realize that feeling began the minute Dinah was taken away from us, when her father was put on trial for crimes against the Brotherhood. It was always her, my precious little blue flower, my Atasi, that was missing.
“I... I...” Sammy can’t seem to get the words out, and his Adam’s apple bobs up and down, as he attempts to control his emotions. His hands are fisted so tightly that all of his knuckles are white. A fine sheen of perspiration is spreading on his forehead, and trickling down the side of his face, and I start to fear that I’ve pushed him too hard, too quickly. I don’t want him to shut down entirely once again. Fuck, maybe I should stop this, even suggest that we try again once he’s regained some of his composure. The thoughts are so foreign to me that it has the words stalling in my mouth.
“He told me he would marry me in this lifetime, and all of the rest. That in no lifetime would he be parted from me, and that I would always be his. His Nightstar, a part of the sky and his heart. That I was the love of his life for eternity. That he loved me more than he had ever loved anything or anyone,” Dinah’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts, and the heavy silence in the room causes both of us to turn in her direction. She raises her tear-stained and anguish-filled face, allowing us to see how all of this is hurting her. “You lied, didn’t you, Sammy? All you want is my death now?”