Chapter 22
Chapter
Twenty-Two
JADE
M y eighteenth birthday—a day I both have equally looked forward to and dreaded since the moment I understood what it meant. In the past it signified my freedom, I would finally be an adult and could do with my life as I fucking pleased. Now, it means that for the first time in my entire life, I’m completely on my own, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.
I’m usually not one to make a fuss over the day of my birth, not when in reality to me it signifies the day my life ended, at least the day it should have. My mother died giving birth to me, and as much as that phony school psychologist used to say to me, it is in fact my fault. Besides, she was just some quack I was forced to talk to in second grade after nearly sending Peggy Peters to the hospital after blabbing about my mother preferring to die than end up with a daughter like me. I mean sure it was me who grabbed the baseball bat we used for P.E. and bashed it across that thick skull of hers breaking her nose, but if you ask me I did her a favor. That nose job would have been expensive, and now thanks to me Piggy Peters no longer has a pig nose.
It would have been a win, win for me had Lilith not given me a matching bruise across my face that night after having her day interrupted when she was called into the principal's office. Of course the principal didn’t ask where I’d gotten my bruise from, I might even go as far as saying she’d suggested it to Lilith in their meeting. That’s the kind of discipline that happens in schools down in Providence, it all falls under a won’t ask, don’t tell policy.
Yet I somehow was coerced into allowing Sebastian to throw a birthday party in my honor. I’ve never had a birthday party, nor do I know what to expect but I was clear to him that I didn’t want anything big. As a little girl, it was just Scar and I who would celebrate our birthdays, three months apart, alone in our bedrooms either watching our favorite movies on the portable DVD player Roman had stolen for me when I turned eight, or we’d just lay in bed talking about what our birthdays would look like once we got older. Scar always wanted to have pretty dresses and lots of food and music, while I just wanted one thing I knew I could never have.
My mother.
I knew that was an impossible dream, yet that didn't stop me from wishing it for every one of my birthdays, but today my wish will be different, it has to be. Tonight's wish will be that I somehow find the strength to become a mother, when I’ve had nothing to look up to.
I missed my first two doctor appointments and I’d like to say I had good reasons to but I didn’t. I just simply couldn’t get myself to go. I am terrified, although I already know it is certain the doctor will confirm that I am in fact pregnant. Nonetheless I couldn’t get myself to go before, but now I have no choice. Sarah will be coming to pick me up and take me to her OBGYN in Pleasant Hills.
The doctor’s office is quite small, the waiting room walls painted a pale-yellow color with two light blue couches and two matching armchairs set up in an L-shape. The single receptionist sits behind a counter answering phone calls and setting up appointments. Two other nurses walk back and forth behind her grabbing patient files and disappearing into the hall to her left. The walls are covered in posters of everything you need to know about pregnancy, birth control, and all information about a woman's reproductive system. But what has me biting my nails, and breaking into a chilling sweat, is the woman who sits beside me. She’s pregnant, at least eight months if not more. She leans back on the couch, her hands folded on her stomach as she watches How Harry Met Sally on the television mounted up on the far wall.
A cold chill runs through my body as I blankly stare at the poor woman, my stomach suddenly feeling queasy. “You okay sweetie?” Sarah asks, placing her hand on my thigh. I turn to look at her and I must look like I’m about to pass the fuck out because she quickly stands to get me a cup of water from the water cooler set up across the room. She returns with the styrofoam cup, handing it to me as I bring it to my lips to take a sip, but all I can do is wet my lips. I feel as if I were to open my mouth. I'd puke on the floor before us.
“Yeah, I guess I’m just nervous,” I say, but she doesn’t get a chance to reply. A nurse opens the door and steps out of the hallway, “Jade Wolfe,” she calls out, my heart suddenly running at two-hundred beats per minute. I don’t move, just blankly stare at the nurse who watches me inquisitively. It’s not like I can hide or act like I'm not the patient she’s calling for. After all it's just me and the other pregnant woman beside me.
“Come on sweetheart, I’ll ask if I can come in with you,” Sarah says, holding my arm and urging me to stand.
I do as she says, taking one last glance at the pregnant woman beside me who smiles kindly at me as I pass her. “Wait, why wouldn't you be able to come in?” I ask Sarah, not understanding what she said .
“It’s your birthday Jade, you’re eighteen now.” Right eighteen, a legal adult.
“But I need you to come with me Sarah, I can’t go in there alone,” I cry out, suddenly overly anxious and scared.
“Don’t worry dear,” the nurse calls out hearing our exchange, “Your mother can come with you.”
“I’m not…” Sarah says, at the same time I respond “She is…”
“For all intents and purposes you and Grayson are my mom's Sarah, the only ones I’ve ever known.” Her eyes go teary as she smiles kindly at me. I have to turn away so I don’t turn into a pile of mush before everyone in the room. “I’m ready,” I tell the nurse, following her down the hall into one of the exam rooms.
Sterile counters, bright pink walls, and pregnancy posters plastered on every surface.
These are the views I come face to face with as I head into the exam room. The staff seems so calm and relaxed, while I am currently losing my shit. As if she can sense it, Sarah comes closer behind me and places an arm around my shoulder to comfort me. Usually, I’m not this needy, but these pregnancy hormones are no fucking joke. While feeling like I have to puke in the back of my head, I am currently still thinking about getting a birthday cupcake from the shop down the street after the appointment. My thoughts of food are my only distraction when the nurse tells me she's going to step out of the room so I can get more comfortable.
What the fuck does that even mean? Google said I didn't have to take my pants off because I was past the stage where they would need to do the internal scan to see the baby. Fuck that noise. Taking off my pants is what got me in this mess in the first place, there’s no way I’m doing that again. I'm staying dressed today.
Sarah takes a seat over by the door and is chuckling to herself. That's when I realize I’m having my mental rant out loud.
“You try thinking about someone shoving a mammoth cucumber in your hoo-ha and see how excited you are to strip!” I blurt out, to which she just laughs harder .
Regaining her composure Sarah takes pity on me and says, “Not laughing at you sweetie, just enjoying your colorful way of expressing the fact that you didn't want to take your clothes off.” She turns her head looking away, her eyes suddenly sad. “We've definitely missed you and your siblings around the house. The house is too quiet and calm nowadays.” For some reason, call it pregnancy hormones, because I sure as fuck am, that phrase makes me feel helpless and I ache to stop Sarah from hurting. The last thing I would ever want is for Sarah and Grayson to feel like we didn't need or want them. They have been our moms for years, no matter what the state says.
I wish we never would have left. I wouldn’t be in this position if I’d stayed with Sarah I can tell by the tone of her voice but questions aren't helping right now. In my head I keep going through all the possibilities which could be wrong with myself, the baby, Bass, my life. Every illness I ever read about on google, every fuck up I’ve made to predispose my kid to some kind of trauma. I can’t do this. I can't find out whether I fucked up my kid already. Not today. Not on a day where I am expected to pretend like life is perfect because it is my birthday.
Fuck. All. Of. This.
Without a word I take off, out the door, and towards the front of the office. Vaguely I can hear the nurses calling after me asking me if I’m okay. If I were fine do you think I would be running away dipshits? I fucking hate everyone right now. It's not their fault, it's not anyone's fault, not really anyway. I just can't deal with this today. I reach the outside of the building and breathe in the fresh air around me. There must be a food vendor nearby because all I inhale, on that first breath, is the scent of grease and spice, a combination that is fucking with my stomach. I quickly turn, desperately looking around for the nearest trash I can vomit into.
Once I come up for air, I dig in my purse for the mouthwash and tissues I’ve started carrying around with me since I’ve been puking on demand these last few weeks. Sarah caught up with me while my head was half in the trash can mid puke. She is standing there waiting for me to be done. I look up at her and finally speak after being practically mute since I started to have the mini panic attack in the office. “I’m not going back up there. I can’t.”
“No one said you had to, child. I am here for you with whatever you need. May that be moral support or to drive the getaway car.” She winks at me and pulls out her keys twirling them around, “Now how about we table this conversation to a less monumental day and get you that cupcake I know you’ve been craving since we drove by the shop on the way here.”
“That sounds like a plan,” I say, rubbing my stomach, “This kid is going to make me so fat by the time it gets here if I keep giving into every craving.”
“Live a little, it's your birthday! Plus if my grandbaby wants cake, my grandbaby is getting cake!”
It is fucking settled then, getting my ass a cupcake.
Today’s been one of the most overwhelming days I’ve had in quite some time, which is why I wanted something low key. Apparently in rich people lingo, that translates into a rager with just a meek eighty people, you know close friends and family. However, the overjoyed look on Sebastian's face as he walked me into my surprise party, kept me from ripping him a new one for inviting people I can’t fucking stand. I call it progress.
At least he had enough common sense to make sure Kinsley wasn’t to make an appearance. But after the fiasco at school on Thursday, when she flipped my lunch tray out of my hand and I proceeded to slam the slice of cherry pie I caught into her face, if only I had a bat instead, it’s in her best interest if she just fell off the face of the earth, or at least into some bottomless ditch after that embarrassment. I’ll have to remember to wish for that too as I blow out my candles.
“I’m done walking on eggshells around you Jade, God I’m so fucking tired of waiting for you to get your head out of your ass and forgive me!” Scarlett shouts out, in the middle of my crowded party, appearing out of fucking nowhere. Of course, as expected the onlookers are quick to turn, hushing their voices, and circling in to make sure they catch the tea .
Leave it to Scarlett to ambush me at my fucking birthday party and force me to speak to her. It's been one of the shitiest days of my life. I had a panic attack at my first doctor's appointment and I can’t even stand here and listen to her scream at me without wanting to puke out the bile left in my stomach since I still can't keep anything down. Here comes my fucking cupcake.
Fuck this shit I am so done with the puking part of this pregnancy. Maybe I should have stuck around and asked the doctor when that part will be over because google hasn't been much help.
My sister's eyes turn glossy and clear blue as her face places in anger. She’s at the point of passing out in rage right after she goes all brutal savage on my ass. I roll my eyes ignoring her, turning to walk away, avoiding the fiasco that is sure to follow the moment we start arguing. Our fights were few, but they were never pretty. “Did you not fucking hear me or are you not only mute but also deaf?” Scar continues, pulling me back by my shoulder. I tried to ignore her, I swear I really did, but now she’s fucking pissed me off.
I quickly turn, stepping forward and meeting my sister with an equally taunting glare. All she gave me was an hour, one hour to enjoy my birthday party without her damn badgering. One fucking hour spent with my friends before she turned this and made it about herself. “I’m sorry I must have lost the brochure that stated how long was too long to be mad at my sister for not telling me she knew where my brother was, a brother whom I’ve spent years wishing I’d see again,” I utter, pushing at her chest making sure to leave out the part of the murder. No need for all my classmates to know just how screwed up I really am. Dead mommy is one thing, dead daddy makes two, but killer brother, well that shit might just be strike three that gets me committed.
“I’ve apologized countless times, Jade. I don’t know what else to do.” Her mood quickly shifts from volatile to regretful, eyes suddenly crestfallen silently pleading for an answer, any answer to end this pathetic feud. I know I need to end it, I need my sister now more than ever but tonight, I’m just not ready for all that is to follow. The questions, the emotional downfall, I’m not ready to admit to anyone what I’ve gotten myself into.
“Nothing Scar, that’s the thing. There’s nothing you can do. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move on from this, I mean I would have expected it from him,” I say, pointing to Sebastian who stands to my right, “From anyone honestly, but never from you.”
“How can you forgive him, but not me?” Scar shouts, now clearly angrier than hurt. Sebastian steps forward and in her direction, but Ace is quick to do the same, shielding Scarlett from whatever snide remark Bass was about to throw at her. Great, the last thing I need is for those two to also have a falling out because of me. I’m sure things between them are already awkward since their girls are not speaking. I don’t need this petty drama. I have enough shit I need to worry about.
“It’s not about forgiving Scar, you know I forgive you, for everything, but it’s about forgetting and moving past it. You know firsthand how hard it is for me to trust someone, after all the shitty relationships I’ve had in the past, starting with my father and brother, and yet you risked protecting him,” I look over to where Ace has now moved to stand protectively beside her, “Over trusting me.”
“It was never about that Jade, I just couldn’t…”
“Please Scarlett,” I murmur, interrupting her, “Just please not here.”
“Jade, please just listen to me I promise I’ll tell you absolutely everything, I just need a chance to explain, I’m begging you Jade.” She reaches out to grab my arm and her touch is too much .
Unable to hide my emotions any longer and not wanting to have a full-blown mental breakdown in the middle of my birthday party, I pull away from her, pushing Bass out of my way as I turn and head into the beach house knowing well enough she’s following behind me, but not caring enough to tell her to stop. Or maybe what I really hope is that she’ll follow me and force me to get over whatever it is that’s come over me.
Once inside, I lead us upstairs and into Bass’s bedroom, the only room I know will be empty since everyone knows the guy’s rooms are off limits at these parties. I hear the door close behind us and know it’s just the two of us.
“Jade,” she whispers, the door suddenly opening behind us. I turn and see Bass and Ace have followed us and are now standing inside the room with equally worried and frustrated expressions. “Talk to me Jade, we want to help you, we need you to hear us out, hear me out, let me explain.” Seeing the three of them there, looking at me as if I’m the one to blame for the strain between us, as if I’m the one that needs to get over it, to forgive, forget, and move on, makes me so fucking mad.
Next thing I know, I snap. Not able to withhold everything I’m feeling, I break, “Why is it so hard for you to understand that not everyone has to do what the almighty Scarlett Steele says,” I mock, laughing as I raise my hands in frustration. “I’m not Ace, I’m not Drake, I’m not so utterly blinded by the love I feel for you that I can’t see past all of the flaws and mistakes. Past the betrayals and treachery, tell me sister, did Damon ever forgive you for sleeping with Ace just days, if not hours, after you broke it off with him? Does Ace know you only did it to help me find information on my brother.” Her jaw drops, eyes wide and glossy as she watches me with a look of betrayal at my words. Ace protectively shifts to grip her shoulders proving in fact at least he’s forgiven her for everything.
That was a low blow on my part, I knew it the moment the words left my lips, but I’m just so fucking tired of everyone else making themselves out to be the victim. The audacity of believing it's all so easily swept under the bridge. Like I told her I would expect no less from Sebastian, he never made any promises to me, never swore to be by my side through it all, but Scar, it was to be just the two of us, forever and always. I guess it just hurts to see that was also a lie.
“That’s not fair Jade...”
“No but it’s the truth, and in all fairness you’re the last person that should decide what’s fair. It was your mother who made my life impossible, beating me black and blue just for fun. It’s your fault my brother left, because he couldn’t stand who my father became when he met Lilith, and it’s your fault Chaz is dead. Because he met your mother and that led him to the precise moment he died. I know I don’t know the logistics of it all, but I know enough. In the end everything bad that happens to me is your fault. I’m done giving you the power to break me.”
My voice cracks on the last word, as I push past the three of them, a hard wall blocking me from running away and forgetting everything about this place. Sebastian reaches out to me but the plea in my eyes makes him halt.
“Wait Jade,” Ace says, pulling something out of his pocket, a folded paper of sorts or a business-like card. “This is the address to Roman’s apartment, where he’s been staying. Scarlett wanted you to have this, if you won’t listen to her, then maybe Roman will be man enough to tell you the truth.” I look from the card in Ace’s hand over to Scarlett, whose expression is heartbreaking. I swallow down my pride and take the card from Ace, but I don’t thank them, I don’t apologize, I simply walk away.
I find Stella at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for me with a cupcake, and a scared look in her eyes. As I reach the bottom, she gives me a shy smile reaching out to embrace me, “Happy Birthday Jade,” she says holding me tightly. I don’t break, I don’t give into my emotions. I bite my tongue and hold back every tear that begs to be let out .
“Where is Kai?” I ask hoping he’s here, I could use a friend.
“He’s outside, saving you a spot at the bar,” she says, handing me the cupcake.
Fuck. I can’t drink, and I’m going to have to hide that from them.
“Let's go, I need my friends,” I say. shoving the cupcake in my mouth.
Happy Fucking Birthday to me.