Chapter 45
45
Hayden
two years ago
“Mom, don’t worry. I’ll be there,” I call through the phone breathlessly to my mom on the other end.
I’m speed walking toward Au Revoir, the French bistro I’ve been working at as a pastry chef for the past three years, with the view of the reflective windows from the conservatory to my right.
“Okay,” she answers, unconvinced. “I just know how things can be between you and your dad. I don’t want you two to be all cross with each other for Thanksgiving dinner.”
I sigh. While this is something that’s caused a constant strain in our family dynamic, it seems pointless for her to continue to worry about something inevitable. My dad and I, we’re always going to disagree. It seems to be our nature and something that’s gotten worse over the years .
“I’ll play nice,” I offer, approaching Au Revoir. “Mom, I have to go. I’ll call you later.”
“Okay,” she answers. “Let me know your flight details so we can pick you up at the airport.”
“I will.”
As soon as I walk through the doors, glad to be out of the cold weather that seemed to have become increasingly chilly overnight, my eye catches on something bright and orange near the bakery side of the restaurant. When I look, I see a lone scarf draped over the back of a chair facing the window. I walk over, taking the scarf in my hands. It’s warm and soft, as if the person wearing it left it behind only minutes ago.
I walk over to the register with the scarf in my hand just as a wave of something familiar hits my senses.
That smell…
I bring the scarf up closer to my face, realizing that the smell, like warmth and vanilla and home, is coming from the warm fibers lining the cashmere material.
Everything reminiscent and wistful hits me in the chest. My entire body feels like it’s levitating, being transported back to a small classroom where inside it, I existed inside a bubble with a certain seventeen-year-old girl beside me. Everything about it reminds me of a time years ago, when so many things in my life felt unsure, there was a moment when hope bloomed and goodbyes were measured.
“Is everything okay, Hayden?” I look up to see Janet, our hostess-slash-cashier, behind the register in the bakery.
“Uh, yeah,” I answer. “I guess someone left this behind.” I reluctantly extend the scarf, not wanting to part with it, and Janet takes it from me.
“I’ll hold on to it in case someone claims it.”
“Thanks.” I nod before walking into the kitchen.
present
I sat and watched. I watched as she smiled sweetly at her date, her round eyes looking at him while he looked at her with every flicker of heat that radiated through his body. I felt it coming off of him even from where I was sitting. I watched as she politely stepped away, opening and closing the cab door before it drove off.
I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t fucking be here watching her come home from a date with another man. Watching as she moves on from everything that I want to share with her. But then she looks at me, her steps coming to a slow stop on the sidewalk as I walk toward her, not even bothering to fight this current that always seems to pull me closer to her.
Seeing her here now, it feels like a dream. I miss her so fucking much. And every second after she walked out of my apartment, I wanted so badly to tell her everything. About how I’m so scared to lose her again. How losing her when we were seventeen felt like losing a part of myself. I want more than anything to reach out to her, talk to her as if nothing has changed and the next time I would see her would be sitting in the classroom with her legs tucked underneath the lab table and her elbows resting on her opened binder.
“I—” I start to say. But then my words are cut short. Because she closes the space between us in three short strides. Her hair billows behind her as the cold wind blows past her. I hear her whimper, her breathing growing staggered as she crashes into me. Her body, so warm and so full of everything that makes her my Natalia, hits mine like her next breath depends on it.
My entire body wants to give in. To collapse to my knees while I hold her, not even bothering to tell her how I feel and letting my tears do the talking. I want to, but I know that I need to explain to her. She needs to know how I feel with words and promises. No more sitting on my feelings, letting them remain as questions that I’m too scared to answer. She needs to know how much I care about her, how much I love her.
“Nat,” I rasp.
I hear her sniffle, her hold on me loosening. And just as I’m about to protest, she looks at me. Tears pool along the rims of her eyes as the tip of her nose reddens. Her lips scrunch together in a small pout, and the little crease between her brows fissures as the bubbling anger spills through her tears. What were tears of sadness and relief a second ago turn into anger and resentment. As a loose sob breaks from her lips, she starts pounding her fists into my chest.
“Where. Have. You. Been?!” she grunts between hits. I watch the tears stream down her cheeks as she continues to push me away. Her frustration causes all the hurt to spill through her words. I loosely hold her wrists in my hands before pulling her toward me, wrapping my arms around her.
“I’m sorry,” I say, cradling her head. I kiss her temple, attempting to soothe her anger as I run my hand up and down her back. “I’m so sorry.”
She pushes her hands into me, causing us to separate again. Her shoulders hunch forward as the anger melts into exhaustion. Her hands move to her cheeks, wiping the tears as they continue to pour. “You need to walk away if you aren’t going to stick around because I can’t do this. I can’t…” She stops when a sob breaks loose from her lips.
I close the space between us with one quick stride. I lift my hands to reach for her before she turns away .
“You watched me walk away, Hayden. You made it so clear that you didn’t want me, and I sat here completely heartbroken, wondering why I wasn’t good enough!”
I cup my hands to her cheeks, frantically searching her eyes for any sliver of forgiveness she may have set aside for me. “You are more than enough for me. And I’m never letting you go.”
She tries to pull away, but my hands grip her cheeks harder.
“I can’t survive doing that again. I can’t let you go and let another eight years pass by sitting here just thinking about you. I can’t do that again.” Everything about my voice says raw and unbridled. Because I’ve given up on trying to hold everything together. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care that she can see every bump and crevice of my heart, completely open and vulnerable. She could spend the rest of our lives holding it in her hands, memorizing all of the details that carry every ounce of love that I feel for her. And I would never expect to get it back. It belongs to her anyway.
The anger in her eyes dissolves, replaced with a face of questions. Silent words of what are you talking about and why didn’t you tell me then float between us.
“I love you so fucking much. And it… hurts thinking about this ending,” I say, my voice cracking. I lean my forehead against hers and close my eyes, letting a warm breath plume into white mist in the space between us.
The ache in my chest forces an image into my brain. Me alone, without Natalia, never being able to hold her in my arms and knowing that she exists in this world without me. All because I let her go. As that ache turns into a knot of balled-up pain, my eyes grow wet. I realize I can never live that life. One without Natalia.
While the tears continue to trickle down her cheeks, a cry squeezes through her lips. “Hayden…” Her voice trembles and shakes as a hiccup causes her breath to hitch .
She leans her face toward me as I dip mine, our cheeks grazing against the other. I can’t believe this is happening. After eight years, it’s as if everything I wanted and every fear that crossed my mind canceled each other out and we’re here now, trying to understand why this didn’t happen so many years ago.
“I–I don’t…” she whispers. She breathes a shaky sigh against my skin. “You aren’t going to lose me again.” She reaches for my hand, interlacing our fingers as she brings them flush against her heart. As our bodies come closer together, I can feel the heavy thumping of her heart against my hand.
“Nat,” I said softly. “I know it doesn’t make any sense for me to say this, especially after all this time…”
The middle corners of her brows turn up, coaxing the words out of me and allowing me to be completely honest.
“But I am so in love with you,” I say, whispering the words against her lips. “A part of me feels like I’ve always loved you.”
A loud sniffle draws in her next breath. And she nods. As if she doesn’t have a single doubt, like she understands. As if I don’t even need to say it out loud because she feels it. Every tenderness and throbbing of love that beats against my chest is loud enough for her to already know without me even saying it.
I bend down to kiss her. Not one that’s deep or urgent but one that only skirts across the corners of her mouth. Along the lines that curve her bottom lip. Then I brush my cheek against the spots I just kissed, feeling her warm breath as it fogs in the cold air around us.
“What are you even doing here?” she asks, her voice hoarse and weak.
I take a small step back, reaching into my coat pocket and then revealing a small box for her in the middle of my palm. “I wanted to give you your Christmas present.”
“You got me a present?” she asks, a small smile lifting the corners of her mouth .
I chuckle, unable to resist a smile seeing how adorable she gets at the mention of a gift.
“Open it,” I urge, nudging the box closer to her.
She takes the box in her cold, delicate hands, carefully undoing the small bow that I personally tied that looks like a mangled knot of ribbon instead of a bow for presentation. When she lifts the lid, we both look to see the small plastic keychain sitting in the middle, scuffed with scratches that make the shiny surface dull from years of wear. She lifts it from the box and holds it between us.
“I got you one just like this,” she whispers, the I Love NY swiveling as it moves against the metal links.
“It’s the same one.”
Her lips part into a surprised smile along with eyes that twinkle against the low street lights that hover over us. “You kept it this whole time?”
I nod.
“Why?”
“Because,” I whisper, bringing my forehead to hers, “it’s the only part of you that I got to hold on to.”
Without saying anything else, her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me down to her for a kiss that makes me feel like I’ve come home. Full of warmth and vanilla. Full of everything that fills me with love, all of it for her.
“I’m sorry I didn’t come sooner,” I say. Even though she smiles at me, relief wrapped in every touch she traces on my now chilly skin, I can see that the month apart from her has caused scars to harden around her heart because I wasn’t there.
“What took you so long?” she finally asks, her voice scratchy through the slight tremble in her wrinkled chin.
“I went back home. ”
When her brow furrows, her way of silently asking for more answers, I continue. “I went home for Thanksgiving, and Pat thought it would be good for me to take some time off.”
She smiles, warming my heart as she squeezes my arm as if encouraging me to keep going.
“And…” I add. “I wanted to call you, but I…I didn’t know if you would want?—”
“I did,” she interrupts. “I wanted you to call, to come to me. Anything.”
“I thought I needed to stay away. At least until I figured out how I could be your friend without expecting more from you. But…I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know if I could…”
“That’s not what I wanted,” she lightly protests. “For us to be just friends. As much as I would have taken it if that’s all you were going to offer me. It’s not what I want.” It’s my turn to choke back the tightness in my throat and swallow through my trembling chin. She wants me. This whole time, she’s wanted me .
“When I found this in my room,” I continue, cupping my hand under hers, the one that’s cradling the keychain, “I realized that I wasn’t ready to let you go. And I wasn’t willing to just be your friend or someone that you only called when you were lonely.”
My thumb grazes against her lower lip when her teeth press into it. The full pout that swelled as she thoughtfully gnawed through her pain softens now as she lets my thumb run along the smooth surface of her lip.
“I want to be everything to you,” I say, not even caring how my voice scratches, baring my heart to her, or how vulnerable I sound. “And I want to give you everything. My heart, the world, all the desserts and weird tasting foods.”
She laughs a watery laugh, her eyes curving as her tears start to fall again. I swipe my thumb against her cheek as she leans closer to me. “I love you too, Hayden. ”
I let out a shaky sigh before kissing her. I kiss her as if I’ve been holding my breath this whole time and I’ve finally broken the surface. She loves me.
“Say it again,” I whisper.
“I love you.” Her hands roam all over me, pulling, gripping. “I love you, Hayden. I love you.”
I didn’t know I could physically feel gravity shift as the weight lifts off my entire body. Everything, from the burden of my dad’s death I carried to every ounce of fear I never needed to have when it came to me and Natalia. It all becomes lighter, nonexistent, as Natalia tells me she loves me.
“ God , I love you,” I groan. My arms wrap around her waist as I feel her shiver, letting her absorb what little warmth I have left from sitting out in the cold for so long.
“Can we get you inside?” I ask, murmuring into her hair. “Get you somewhere warm.”
She smiles up at me, nodding as the first snowflake falls and lands on her eyelash.