33
BLOOM
I never thought I’d willingly step into Dr. Simms’s office on my own. Therapy was a necessary evil I’d come to terms with, but that didn’t mean I liked someone asking me a million questions and prying into my brain. And I definitely didn’t like that I had to watch my words around Dr. Simms. Saint’s mother had known the gritty stuff we got involved with. Trusting Dr. Simms was a whole different ball game.
After Logan’s bombshell that we had to leave everyone behind, never to speak to them again, I needed to figure out what I was feeling. All sorts of emotions seemed to be taking over, leaving me confused. Why wouldn’t I want to spend the rest of my life together with Logan? I couldn’t tell him no, but how could I leave everyone else behind?
I didn’t know who else to talk to about the massive change I was experiencing in my life. Definitely not Crowe. And I couldn’t let Logan know how much I was dreading giving up everything I’d ever known. I loved being a biker with the Blood Hounds. It was the only thing I knew how to be. What was I if not an enforcer?
Dr. Simms was confidential. At least he was supposed to be. He couldn’t tell anyone what Logan and I were planning to do. He seemed like the perfect person to talk to. To help me come to terms with becoming just an ordinary guy when I’d been anything but all my life.
It felt strange being here without Logan. He didn’t even know I’d come. That alone felt like some kind of betrayal, but I needed to do this—for myself, for us. I didn’t want to burden him with how anxious I was about our move. I’d never lived in a new country, never even been on an airplane. What if I didn’t like it there? What if I wanted to come home?
The door opened, and Dr. Simms walked in, looking more casual than I’d ever seen him. He was wearing dark blue jeans with a forest-green turtleneck sweater and trainers. His salt-and-pepper hair was a little more disheveled than usual, as if he’d been in a haste to arrive in time, which was probably the case, given the way he was huffing.
“Bloom, you’re really here.” He smiled.
Huh? I’d called to book the appointment, and his assistant had called me back with the good news that Dr. Simms would see me despite not being due at his office until one. Why did he seem surprised to see me?
An awkward silence hung in the air, but then Dr. Simms cleared his throat. “Right, err, just give me a minute, and we’ll get started.”
He walked over to a file cabinet, rummaged through the drawers with his back to me, and pulled out a folder.
“Do you mind if I record today’s session?”
I frowned. The last time he hadn’t asked. Logan had been pissed about that.
“I’d rather not.”
“Okay, that’s fine. It’s all up to you, of course.” He scanned through his folder and settled into the chair opposite me.
“I have to say I wasn’t expecting you back so soon,” he said softly. “I can’t tell you how pleased I was when Lisa told me you wanted to see me.”
“I have a lot on my mind.”
“After our last session, I bet you do. Where’s Dr. Collier? I didn’t see him.”
“He doesn’t know I’m here.”
“Oh.” He leaned back in his chair, the heel of his right leg resting on his left thigh. “And why is that?”
“He would have suspected what I wanted to talk to you about, and I can’t let him know that I have doubts.”
“About your marriage?”
I shook my head quickly. “No, not about that. I want to marry Logan and be his.”
“Bloom, you know another person can’t own you, right?”
“I don’t mind. I want him to own me. If I could tattoo his name on my soul, I would. I don’t expect you to understand, but Logan gets it.”
Dr. Simms pinched the bridge of his nose. “I know you won’t like to hear me say this, but as your psychiatrist, I have to say it anyway. I’m concerned about your notion of what a relationship is supposed to be and how this might be affecting your mental health.”
“My relationship with Logan has been the best thing for my mental health. Why can’t you understand that?”
“Because what you have is unhealthy, and if he wasn’t being selfish, he would also tell you this. I don’t blame you. You’re the innocent one in all of this. Dr. Collier, on the other hand, knows fully well—”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have come.” I clutched the arms of the chair.
“Or you can tell me why you called.”
I hated how he criticized Logan and dismissed our relationship, but he had a point. I had come to him for a reason.
“You said whatever I tell you will have to be confidential, right? You can’t report it to the police.”
“Unless it can prevent someone from getting hurt.”
“I killed my parents years ago,” I blurted out. For the first time, I told him. I didn’t know what to expect but not his silence. I’d alluded to my hurting my parents in our sessions but never talked about what had happened. “Before you try to reassure me, I don’t regret it, especially not after everything I remembered during our last session.”
“I had a feeling you would still be reeling from the discoveries of the depth of your abuse. After all, we uncovered some very difficult memories. It’s okay if you’re still processing that. In fact, it’s normal. Have you been having nightmares again?”
“Yes, but I want to talk about the people I’ve killed.”
“All right. Why did you kill them?”
“They were all bad people. Like the US Marshal who wanted to hurt Logan. I had to kill him too, but can you blame me?”
Dr. Simms leaned forward. “How do you feel when you take someone’s life?”
“Like I erased a huge problem.”
“Can you describe in detail what happened with the US Marshal?”
Was knowing all the details really that important? I shrugged. “I blacked out during some of it. By then, he’d made me too angry.”
“Did it feel good?”
“Yes.”
“Because you were able to control the situation, unlike when you were a young boy?”
“Maybe, I don’t know. That’s not why I came today.”
“Bloom,” he said, his tone soft and measured. “What happened to you as a child—”
“Can we not?” I interrupted, sharper than I’d intended. “I’m not here to rehash that.”
He uncrossed his legs. “Then what are you here to talk about?”
I looked at him, really looked at him, for the first time since I sat down. He was trying; I could see that. But I was tired of people trying to fix what couldn’t be fixed. “I’ve killed many people,” I said, my voice flat, as if I were commenting on the weather. “My parents and the marshal were just a couple.”
Dr. Simms tapped his pen against his knees. “Why don’t you tell me about the first person you killed? Your parents, I presume?”
“Yeah, but I don’t remember any of it. Just how hungry I was. I don’t think they’d fed me for days. They often did that.”
The silence in the room was suffocating. Dr. Simms opened his mouth, then closed it again. “Bloom… why are you telling me all this now?”
“Because I want you to tell me it will be okay.” I tugged on my hair, running my fingers through the strands. “That this will be the opportunity to start over and be somebody else—not the guy who’s killed so many people. Is that something I can hope for?”
Dr. Simms furrowed his brows in a mix of concern and surprise. It took him a moment before he replied. “Bloom, nobody can change your past. It’s there. It happened. But the future… that’s something you still have control over. You may not be able to forget it, but you can make better choices moving forward.”
“Then it’ll be all right.” Fuck, I hated the ache in my chest, the horrible bit of darkness in my stomach at the thought of leaving everything that was familiar to me.
“What will? I have a feeling I am missing something here.”
“Logan and I have to move away.”
“What?”
“No one can know,” I said. “But Logan’s family is after him, and to escape and keep everyone safe, we’re leaving the country and cutting ties with everyone. Logan says it’s for the best.”
“Absolutely not!” Dr. Simms jumped to his feet, his face flaming red. “Think about everything you would be forced to give up if you do that. He has no right to expect this from you.”
“He gave me a choice. I’ve decided to go with him.”
“But you don’t really want to. That’s why you are here. You’ll be making the biggest mistake of your life if you go through with this.”
Just as I feared, but why did hearing him say it feel so much worse?
“People start over all the time.”
“This isn’t starting over, Bloom. This is changing who you are and becoming someone else. How can you do that when you’re still not the best version of yourself yet? There’s still so much to discover about you. Why give up the chance to find out more about who you are because of a man?”
“He’s not just a man. I love him.”
“You are incapable of loving anyone! You are a sociopath with an obsessive love disorder!”
The words hit like a slap, and I tightened my jaw. Dr. Simms stood there, chest heaving, his fingers twitching as though he wanted to snatch the words out of the air and stuff them back down his throat. But the damage was done. I curled my fists at my sides, knuckles straining white as a heavy silence descended between us.
He stepped closer, his movements abrupt, jerky. “I—Bloom, I’m only trying to help you.”
“Well, maybe I don’t need your help.” My voice was cold, clipped. “Coming here was a mistake.”
“No! Please wait.” His hand shot out as though he might physically stop me, but he caught himself, letting it fall limply to his side. “I didn’t mean it like that. You’ve been through so much. It’s clouding your ability to see what’s best for you. Logan can’t give you what you need. I can. As your psychiatrist, I know what’s best for you. Let me help you.”
“Help me?” A bitter laugh escaped before I could stop it. “By telling me I’m broken? That I don’t even know how to love? That’s the difference between everyone and Logan. He doesn’t treat me like I’m a mental case. He treats me normal.”
“But you are not normal. You’re a complicated young man, and I just want to see what your mind can do—to help you to cope.”
My pulse pounded in my ears, and I forced myself to take a deep breath, even as my stomach twisted tighter.
“Why are you really saying all this?” I asked quietly, my voice barely above a whisper. “Because it doesn’t feel like this is about me anymore.”
He froze midstep, his back still turned to me. “What do you mean?”
“You know exactly what I mean.” I stood, the chair scraping loudly against the floor as I pushed it back. “I may take a while to figure things out, but I see it now. This isn’t about Logan or me starting over. This is about you.”
He spun around, his expression unreadable, his eyes darker than I’d ever seen them. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” I took a step toward him, fueled by suspicion. “Because you’re acting like this is personal. Like you don’t want me to leave because of how it affects you. Am I wrong?”
Dr. Simms opened his mouth, but no words came. He gripped the back of the chair he’d been sitting in, his knuckles going white. The silence stretched between us, oppressive and heavy.
“Bloom,” he finally said, his voice hoarse, strained. “You don’t understand. I’ve seen too many people make decisions like this, decisions they regret for the rest of their lives. I don’t want that for you.”
“No.” I shook my head, my heart sinking. “That’s bullshit. There’s something else. I can feel it.”
He laughed bitterly, the sound sharp and jagged. “Fine. You want the truth? I care about you, Bloom. More than I’m supposed to. More than is… professional. Why don’t you stay here? I can give you everything that Dr. Collier does and so much more.”
The air rushed out of my lungs in a gasp, my knees buckling as I gripped the back of the chair for support. I’d been wrong about him. I shouldn’t have come here. “What?”
“I’ve watched you unravel your past, put yourself back together, piece by piece. And I—” He dragged a hand down his face. “I shouldn’t be saying this. I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. And the thought of you leaving, of never seeing you again…” His voice broke, raw with emotion.
My chest tightened, a deep unease unfurling in my gut. Other than Logan, no one had ever spoken to me this way. The hairs on my arms rose. I took a step away from him.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he said. “I am not saying anything bad. I want you. Surely, you know what that means now. At night, I stay awake because I can’t stop thinking about you and how much I want to take care of you, be with you.”
He reached out to me, but I took a step back, my skin crawling. “Don’t fucking touch me. This is the reason you’re always saying bad stuff about Logan.”
“He’s not right for you!”
“Fuck you!”
I ran toward the door, needing to get away from him.
“You can’t tell Logan about this visit!”
With my hand on the doorknob, I turned to face him. “Why not?”
“Because then he’ll know you came to me without telling him. He might believe you came here deliberately to flirt with me. To lead me on. He wouldn’t like that, would he? He might even decide he can’t trust you and leave without you.”
“But that’s not true! That’s not why I came.”
“Doesn’t matter why you came. It only matters what he thinks.”
“I’ll fucking kill you if you come between me and Logan,” I whispered, then slipped through the door. Maybe I should have killed him anyway, but then I would have to murder the woman at the front desk too. Not to mention destroy all the CCTV that would have recorded me enter the building.
“Will you be—”
I rushed past the assistant, the door swinging shut behind me. Maybe going away with Logan alone wasn’t such a bad idea. Just when I started to trust people, Dr. Simms proved me wrong. How much bad advice had he given me because he wanted me?
Instead of being more at ease with my and Logan’s plan, I was more confused than ever.