Both Sides Now (Seasoned Hearts Club)

Chapter 12

Chapter

Twelve

CALLISTA

“ I want all the details. Where is that handsome doctor of yours taking you to this weekend?” Suzanne shoots me a grin as she digs into her chicken salad.

“Mystic. I've never been there, but Keegan says there are tons of things to do. Although I wouldn’t mind staying in bed.”

“I’ll bet.”

“I can’t help the fact that Dr. Russo is gorgeous. I’m just a lucky bitch.”

“Yes, you are, and a million women will agree with your take.”

“So long as they keep their mitts off my man,” I volley back with a giggle.

Although, I really will kill them.

Just putting it out there.

“Look at you, all possessive.”

She’s not wrong. Even though I know Keegan is faithful, I admit my jealousy comes into play when I catch a woman swooning at him .

Thankfully, his gaze remains firmly on me, delivering a constant supply of butterflies and fluttery feelings.

“True, and I’m not sorry.” I chuckle and glance at my phone. Just enough time to stuff my face with food before hurrying back to the wellness center. “I’ve got to get moving. Next class starts in twenty minutes.”

Suzanne twirls the tip of her fork on her plate. "Are you sure you're not burning the candle at both ends? You've been working like mad."

I wave off her concern. "One of the instructors is on maternity leave, so someone has to take over her classes. Besides, I hid under a blanket for a year and a half. Now it's time to hustle. I'll drop Domino off at your house Friday morning."

“Sounds good. Don't have too much fun."

I wink and bite back a smile. "No can do, my friend. That’s exactly my plan.”

I breathe in the brisk sea air as we drive into Mystic, pushing my hair from my face.

The Connecticut coast is gorgeous and the sleepy town of Mystic lives up to Keegan’s claim. I have all sorts of inspiring scenery to occupy my time on the trip, but there's one view that outshines all the rest—my handsome doctor in the driver's seat.

Keegan catches my ogle and shoots me a devilish grin. "Are you looking forward to our weekend?"

“Excitement is an understatement. I don't plan on getting out of bed."

He slides his hand up my leg, squeezing my thigh. "I like how you think."

The man calls me a goddess in bed. His goddess, to be exact. And while I adore that delicious term, especially in regard to me, I know the truth. Keegan’s talents in the bedroom are the stuff of legends. No joke, porn star level. When it comes to sex, he has it all: staying power, quick recovery time, and a tongue capable of the most unspeakably filthy acts.

Some should be illegal, but I’m ever so glad they aren’t.

I run my fingers through his hair, drinking him in, and know one thing for certain. I love him, more than I dreamt possible, even though I haven’t found the courage to tell him.

I suppose some part of me clings to survivor's guilt, an idea that I don't deserve to be happy since Charlie doesn’t have that option any longer. But that feeling lessens each day I spend with Keegan, and for the first time in a long time, I love life again.

So, I made myself a deal. The next time Keegan told me he loved me, I would respond in kind.

I’m still waiting.

Looks like I’ll have to make the first move, which terrifies me to no end. And I refuse to reveal such an integral statement while under the influence, even though a shot of whiskey would definitely allay my nerves.

Because it’s not just about loving me . It’s about wanting a life with me. My biological clock keeps ticking and I still want a family. Keegan would be an incredible husband and father, even though he’d likely prefer swallowing nails than admitting that fact.

But this weekend is not about worry or fear. It’s about love. Big, beautiful, bountiful love.

I’ve got Keegan to thank for that.

He pulls down a small side road, with the water on one side and a row of cottages on the other. "Here we are."

With a squeal of delight, I hop from his Jeep. It's adorable. Small and quaint with a killer view of the water and a hot tub just beckoning to be enjoyed. "This is perfect. "

"You're perfect." He wraps an arm around my waist, leading me up the steps.

I used to argue with him when he showered me with compliments. But not today. Today, I'll be his perfect goddess—one with a very important request. "How about you pour us some drinks while I slip into something more comfortable?"

With a whoop, he slings me over his shoulder, kicking the front door closed. "Drinks can wait. I have something far more pressing that requires my attention.”

Our house tour just got a detour.

I giggle as he walks to the far end of the cottage and deposits me on the bed, his large frame moving on top of me. His slants his mouth over mine to claim me in a deep, possessive kiss and I strain toward him, desperate to be closer.

A small smile plays on my lips when he drags his mouth lower, teasing that talented tongue along the curve of my breasts.

I moan and wrap my legs around his waist, earning a knowing smirk from my man. Keegan loves getting me excited, but he refuses to rush in his exploration. Torturing me is his favorite pastime.

He pushes my skirt to my waist, dragging wet kisses across my abdomen.

I wind my fingers in his hair, relishing every moment as my body lights up like a Christmas tree. This all encompassing, blinding emotion.

I felt love with Charlie. Deep, beautiful love.

But this, this is even more powerful. I burn for Keegan.

Tell him you love him.

I know I do. Now I have to say the words aloud, breathing them into life. But what will that declaration mean for the two of us?

"Hey, whatever you're thinking, stop." Keegan shoots me a warning look, his hands skating up my legs to hook my g-string.

Damn this man's intuition. But he's right. I can worry about the future when it arrives. Right now, I'm all about the pleasure—and Keegan gives me that in spades.

Cracking a saucy grin, I grab the hem of my dress, pulling it over my head. "Maybe I was thinking how good your head looks between my legs."

My statement unhinges him in the best way. A fire flashes in his baby blues as he dips his head, his clever tongue flicking against my clit. "So glad you enjoy this position. I plan on staying here all night."

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” I whisper, my hips bucking against his mouth.

“Watch me.” It’s his only reply as his hands band under my thighs, pulling me flush to him.

With a heated sigh, I release any worries, and cave to his demands.

The morning sun streams through the windows, basking the room in a warm glow. I reach over to stroke Keegan’s skin, but find his side of the bed empty.

With a stretch, I pull on my robe and pad into the kitchen, smiling as the smell of freshly brewed coffee hits my nostrils.

Glancing out the French doors, I see Keegan walking along the shoreline, his phone at his ear. The poor man. Try as he might, he never gets a day off.

That’s the price you pay for being a genius in your field.

At least, that’s what I’ve heard.

After our wedding weekend, I shelved all future visits with Dr. Russo.

It didn’t seem right .

Do I still want a child? Absolutely.

Do I still want Charlie’s child? God, I want to give my husband the legacy he deserves. The world lost an incredible man when he died. By having his baby, I could carry on some small part of him for the ages.

But where would that option leave Keegan and me?

Do I want a baby with Keegan? Desperately. More and more, every day.

But we don’t discuss the future. Per his own admission when we first met, a wife and family are not something he wants. I'm terrified to discover if he's changed his stance on that.

Talk about a situation with no easy answer. I’m desperate to become a mother, but the man who wanted to give me a child is gone, and the man who can give me a child now has no desire for a family.

It leaves me a bit of nowhere. Doesn't help that I'm ovulating, and my hormones are already in an uproar.

With a deep breath, I strive to find my center. I have so much to be thankful for and there’s power in gratitude.

The screen door slams, and powerful arms wrap around my waist, engulfing me in a hug. "Good morning, beautiful."

"Morning, doctor. You're up early. Patient emergency?”

He grabs a cup of coffee, sitting opposite me at the breakfast bar. "Thankfully, in my specialty, there aren't many emergencies. But it was work related."

Keegan doesn't offer any additional information, and I'm not one to pry. Not my style.

“This weekend is not about work, sir,” I admonish with a grin. “Don’t make me punish you.”

“Please do.”

"What's our plan for today? Lazing around?"

Keegan shakes his head. “I thought we’d spend a couple of hours walking around the seaport. Then, I’ll cook us a proper New England dinner tonight. Sound good?”

Yet another thing I adore about Keegan: he makes decisions. He doesn't waffle, offering useless responses like 'it's up to you' or 'whatever you want.' If I ask for an opinion, he offers one. Every time. I'll admit, it's led to some interesting debates, but I adore his dominant personality.

Such a change from Charlie's laid back disposition. With my husband, it was all about making me happy.

With Keegan, it’s about compromise. He challenges me.

I grin and grab the eggs from the fridge. “It sounds perfect. Since you’re cooking dinner, I’ll handle breakfast.”

It was a perfect day. Good to his word, we wandered the seaport, visiting more museums and stores than I can count. After a lunch on the water, coupled with a few cocktails, I felt extra giddy and insisted on partaking in every tourist trap available.

Thankfully, my boyfriend was a good sport, snapping off several shots of my silliness. But then, just for him, I threw in a few seductive poses, with a come-hither expression on my face and a skirt that barely covered my assets.

I got a rise out of Keegan. In the best way possible.

Now, we’re cuddled together in front of the fireplace, the glow of the flames warding off the New England night. Despite the chill in the air, my body is just shy of boiling point. Might have something to do with my man’s hands sliding over my skin.

"You're so beautiful," he murmurs, delivering soft nips against my shoulder.

“You make me feel beautiful. ”

My emotions swirl around me, threatening to explode if I don’t finally set them free.

Time to be brave, old girl. He deserves to know.

I turn in his arms and grasp his chin, directing his gaze to mine as the firelight dances in his eyes. “I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.” It’s a simple response, but I see his jaw clench at my words.

He’s still hurt about that night when he told me how he felt. When I didn’t say it back.

Maybe now, he can lay that fear aside.

Taking his hand, I place it over my heart, certain he feels it racing beneath my skin. "Do you feel that?"

He nods, his gaze never faltering. “Yes.”

"It's for you. It beats for you. I love you, Keegan. I absolutely adore you and?—"

I don't get to finish my pledge as he claims my mouth, his tongue sliding against mine. There's a deeper feeling pervading this moment, a realization that by speaking the words, I released the chains holding him fast.

I tangle my hands in his hair, letting the ecstasy of the moment wash over me, my entire body trembling from the feeling.

He pulls back, a soft smile coloring his face. "Say it again."

Giggling, I press my mouth to his, speaking the words on repeat. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

And I do. So much more than he realizes.

Keegan grabs my dress and pulls it over my head, then turns his attention to my lingerie. Fancy or not, he is not in the mood to see it anywhere but on the floor.

No way will I let him have all the fun. Within a minute, his clothes lie in a pile next to mine and his naked body covers me, his erection pressing against me .

True to form, he takes his time. But there is a new emotion mixed in with the heat: adoration.

He teases me with kisses, nuzzling my nose, my jaw, and basically driving my need to its breaking point.

I ache for him.

Tilting my hips up, I beg without words for him to quench the fire.

Keegan slides his hands down my body to curl around my hips, but his eyes never leave my face. “Say it again.”

I frame his face with my hands, feeling the emotions I have for him wash over us both. "I adore you, Keegan Russo. Make love to me. Show me you feel the same way."

In the next instant, he buries himself inside me, his mouth possessing mine. But his movements are slow, torturous, and oh so delicious. He rocks himself into me, and I lose myself to the moment. Lose myself to this man who brought me back to life.

My climax builds with each thrust, but I see it in Keegan's face. He won’t rush this journey. He's taking his time, dragging out every sensual moment. I gasp at the rising feeling, unable to hold back, my nails scratching along his back.

His movements increase as he grabs my hips. Each thrust deeper. Filling me. Claiming me. Then another wave hits, and I bite my lip, whimpering as everything turns white. All I feel is him.

Me.

Us.

Together.

When I can think again, I open my eyes, meeting his sapphire gaze. "That was perfect."

"Like I said earlier, you're perfect. And I love you more than life itself."

I fall asleep to the gentle rhythm of his breathing, knowing I'll be happy spending the rest of my life right here by his side.

I'm floating on a cloud as I prepare breakfast the next morning, still basking in the glow from the night before.

What a freeing feeling, letting Keegan know everything in my heart and seeing that emotion shine back at me.

And the sex? Dear god in heaven, it was next level incredible. Nothing between us but our love.

My hand stills as I release the spoon into the coffee mug.

We didn't use anything.

I'm ovulating, and we didn't use anything. I allow that knowledge to settle over me, but I can't erase the smile spreading across my face.

After the wedding weekend, Keegan and I were careful. Every time. Did it feel good? Absolutely. Did it feel like last night? No way in hell.

Last night was unlike anything I've ever experienced. I've never felt such a rush of emotions before.

Until now.

Here’s hoping he feels the same way, because our future is whatever we make it.

“Exactly,” I whisper. “ Our future. Thank you, universe.”

Looks like I got my answer, after all.

My phone pings next to me, and I grab it, unable to wipe the grin from my face. It's likely Shawn sending me a photo of Domino, as reassurance that she's still as fat and sassy as ever.

But my heart stills in my chest.

It is a photo. Several, in fact.

But it isn't of Domino.

It’s a memory slideshow, compiled from photos snapped over the years and stored in my phone’s memory. For most, it’s a sweet reminder.

I’m not that lucky.

This slideshow is dated five years ago .

Before Keegan.

Before cancer.

Talk about a low blow, universe.

It’s a punch in the gut.

A mocking reminder of what I’ve lost. The timing is impeccable, borderline diabolical, as my glow from Keegan smothers beneath an inescapable shroud of guilt.

I can't breathe as I stare at the cover photo.

Do I press play?

Damn right I do.

The slideshow begins to play, complete with the most god-awful song selection known to man.

But I barely hear the music over my sorrow. My tears fall with each passing photo until both the screen and my eyes are too blurry to see.

Charlie and I were so happy as we frolicked on that English beach, clueless to the terrible turn our lives would take a year later.

"Calli, what's wrong?"

I jump when Keegan touches my arm, wiping my face in a futile attempt to hide the tears.

“Sweetie, what happened?” he repeats.

Concern and love line Keegan’s face, but all I see are the photos of Charlie flashing before me. All I feel is this suffocating darkness. The universe’s mocking admonishment of how, in these last few months, I've abandoned Charlie's memory to seek solace in someone else's arms. Even considered passing up on my original plan to have a baby in lieu of loving again.

How I’m a horrible excuse for a wife and a human being because if I truly loved Charlie, I wouldn’t have let his memory slip to the recesses of my brain.

I hate myself. Charlie deserves better than that and far better than me .

“I have to go," I mumble, tearing myself from Keegan’s grip and making a beeline for the bedroom. I grab my suitcase, haphazardly tossing in my clothing.

Keegan is by my side the next second. He grabs my arms and forces me to meet his gaze. "What happened? Did someone die? Talk to me."

"Yes," I manage, my voice strangled. "Someone did die. Charlie died. I shouldn't be here. I need to go."

The confusion and hurt spread across Keegan’s face, but I'm too wrapped up in my own pain to shoulder his, too. "What brought this on? Calli, please stop for a second. I'm trying to understand."

I jerk from his grasp and continue gathering my belongings from random spots in the room. "But you can't understand, can you? You've never lost someone you love. Not like I loved Charlie. You can't comprehend how I feel, so don’t bother. I need to leave. If you won't take me, I'll catch a train back.”

Keegan crosses his arms over his chest, a neutral expression falling across his features. The doctor's expression. I know that one all too well. I saw it on the face of every doctor Charlie visited, when all they had to give us was more bad news.

"I'll take you home, Callista. But can you at least tell me what triggered this? We had a beautiful evening together, and now you want to run out of here. Run away from me. Forgive me for being a bit confused."

I recognize his tone. I've heard it from countless well-intentioned family and friends. People who pity my situation but really wish I would just move on from my grief. My sorrow is a burden they don't care to carry.

I hate that blasted tone almost as much as I hate myself right now.

I wipe my eyes again, snuffling through the tears. "I know what you’re going to say. You'll tell me I'm being stupid."

His eyes widen at my verbal tirade, but he maintains his cool. “First, I would never call you stupid. Second, give me some credit. Maybe I can help."

I toss my phone at him, the slideshow still visible on the screen. "My phone, in all its sadistic glory, sent me a slideshow of memories."

He studies the phone before meeting my gaze. "May I watch it?"

He’s being careful. Kind. Considerate.

And I wish he would fucking stop.

I tug a hand through my hair, desperate to escape myself. "Why would you want to watch it? It's a slideshow of me with my husband."

“I’m aware of that fact, Calli. I want to watch it so that I might know Charlie more. May I?"

Tossing up my hands, I return my focus to packing. “Go ahead.”

My tears start anew when the music—that deplorable craptastic music—starts playing.

Keegan doesn't say a word until the end, handing me back my phone with a sad smile. "It's a beautiful memory."

"You don't mean that." I'm behaving terribly, but my flight mode has been activated, and all I can focus on is getting home. Home to the house Charlie and I shared. Home to the last memories I have of him, where I can curl up with his blanket and hope he forgives me for relegating his memory to the back burner of my heart.

Forgives me for being a terrible wife.

Keegan huffs out a breath, and I know I’m treading on his last nerve. The man has the patience of a saint, but I’m putting it to the test.

And I couldn’t care less at the moment.

“I’ve meant every word I ever said to you, Callista. Charlie seems like he was an incredible person. He adored you. That much is clear. "

“He did. He wanted to give me the world. Anything I wanted, he would give me. Except he couldn't stay. But, I abandoned him. I abandoned his memory.” I gesture to myself, waving my hands wildly. “I can't do this, Keegan."

"Do what?" His voice is even and measured, his face not giving away any emotion.

That's okay. I have plenty enough for us both. "This. Us. I can't do this. I was wrong to think I could."

"Calli, I know you're upset, but let's talk about this. Please don't make any rash decisions."

"We are talking about it. I can't do it. I'm sorry, Keegan. I really thought I could be with someone else, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong.”

A muscle jumps in his jaw as his gaze settles out the window. “So, that’s it, then. I don’t get a say.”

And those words bring on a new rash of tears, rushing to join the ones wetting my cheeks. “This isn’t about you,” I whisper.

He shakes his head and releases a sigh. “I guess not. Here I thought this weekend was about us . My mistake. If that’s how you feel, then there’s nothing more to say. I’ll pack up and take you home."

"Thank you," I manage, although he likely doesn’t hear me as he strides from the room, leaving me alone with my doubts.

My fears.

My self-loathing.

I know I hurt Keegan with my harsh words, but I lack the bandwidth to juggle his pain with my own. Besides, he’ll recuperate. The man is successful in every area of his life. In a few weeks, I’ll be little more than an undesirable blip on his radar.

He’ll forget me, much in the same way I’ve forgotten Charlie.

Shouldn’t that make me feel better? Instead, I’m dying inside, ripped to shreds by the guilt of giving my heart and soul to another man.

And the anguish over demanding it back.

My emotions are swiftly shutting down, climbing back into the dark cave of despair where they lived for so many months.

It's safer there.

For us all.

The drive back is silent, save for the jazz lilting from the speakers. I catch Keegan staring at me during the ride, but he never utters a word.

Sometimes, there’s nothing left to say.

Good to his word, he drops me at home, delivering me safely to my front stoop. He sets my bags down and turns to leave, but hesitates.

Keegan faces me again and grabs my hands, giving them a squeeze. “I love you, Callista, and I hate that you're hurting. I haven’t lived your life or your losses, but know this one thing: you never abandoned him. From what you’ve told me, you were by his side until the end.”

But it isn’t enough. How is it fair that I’m granted second chances when Charlie didn’t get any?

All I can manage is a slight nod as I wipe my nose with the back of my hand.

He clears his throat, and I meet his gaze, his eyes glassy with emotion. “I’ll give you the space you want, and hope you find your way back to me. But either way, I hope you realize what a magnificent woman you are and never sell yourself short again.”

“Thank you.”

Do I believe him? Not at all, and now the two sides of my heart wage war against each other. Part of me thinks it’s best to let Keegan go. The other part desperately wants him to stay.

Seems the universe has sent me enough signs today. She’s not offering up any more guideposts for this debacle .

I grab my bag and unlock my door, the quiet of my home’s interior as dank as dense fog. “I’m sorry.”

Keegan pivots, offering me a small shrug. “Me, too. For what it's worth, last night was perfect. For me, at least."

Once I’m safely inside, he drives away. I don’t make it further than the foyer, as I collapse in a sobbing heap against the doorframe.

I’m alone. Totally and utterly alone.

I awaken with a start on the cold entryway floor. No idea how long I laid there, although the sun now streams through the living room windows.

Pulling myself to standing, my eyes rove around the house, desperate for some semblance of balance.

There’s none to be found.

This place never felt like home to me, but Charlie fell in love with the center hall colonial. How could I say no to his endearing smile? So, I went along with his plan, because seeing him happy made me happy.

But now that he's gone, I feel a kinship to every room. Every stupid creaking floorboard that used to drive me mad now makes me smile, remembering how his feet moved across them.

Each room has become a sanctuary of sorts, with all manner of knickknacks strewn about, bringing me peace when the aching in my soul became too much to bear.

All but one room.

My gaze settles on the locked door at the end of the hallway.

Charlie's office.

I don't go in there. I had to, immediately after his death, to collect the paperwork for his estate. But after that was settled, I locked the door with zero desire to step foot over the threshold again. That was his space, never mine, and for some reason, I feel like I'm trespassing.

Oh, the myriad of emotions in my brain. I'd give any psychiatrist a run for their money.

With a groan, I roll my shoulders. I want to go to bed and sleep—for the next several days. Or weeks. Or months.

Since that isn’t an option, I opt for a shower, some coffee, and a hefty dose of aspirin.

I pad into the kitchen and turn on the coffeemaker, my gaze falling on the bouquet of lilacs delivered a few days earlier. They were a gift from Keegan, yet another one of his surprises, when he learned how I missed the scent of my childhood home in England.

I finger the petals, the tears rolling down my face as my heart and head battle with each other.

What am I supposed to do now?

I love Charlie. Always have and always will.

But I love Keegan, too. More than I believed possible.

A thought spins in my mind, as I bite back the nausea threatening to overtake me.

What if my heart isn't built to love more than one man? Am I destined to spend the rest of my years alone, pining for a love that couldn’t save me?

Is that the best I have to hope for with the remainder of this life?

"Spill it, Calli." Suzanne's eyes flash a warning at me: do not feed her a line of bullshit.

I hate how well the woman knows me.

“What is there to say?”

“Quite a lot, judging by the dour expression on your face. ”

I shrug, desperate to keep the tears, my constant companion once again, at bay. “It was beautiful. Terrible. Agonizing. Pick your descriptor."

"Did you and Keegan have a fight?"

I shake my head, unable to relieve the pounding in my brain.

“That’s not an answer,” Suzanne replies, and I hear the concern in her voice, edged with exasperation.

Who can blame her? I’ve been mum on the events of last weekend, save for asking my friends to keep Domino a few additional days. They readily agreed, but I knew I would have to answer some questions when they dropped her off this afternoon.

I needed time.

For what, I do not know. Time to lose the last vestiges of my sanity, I suppose. But as the days passed, it wasn't Charlie I missed.

It was Keegan.

Now, it's been five days since he dropped me on my doorstep, and the pain is unbearable.

It's ironic. I used to feel a reprieve from the pain when I surrounded myself with Charlie's belongings.

Not anymore.

Now, those trips down memory lane serve only to remind me of the new love that walked into my life.

A love I threw away like it was garbage.

Less than garbage.

The tears win out and spill down my face. "We didn't have a fight, but I ruined it, nonetheless."

Suzanne grabs my hand, leading me to the sofa. "Sit. I'll pour us some wine, and you're going to tell me what happened in Connecticut.”

So I do. I relive every moment. I tell her about my incredible night with Keegan and how I opened my heart to him, only to rip it back when Charlie’s slideshow played across my phone. Then, for added fun, I threw in an emotional meltdown, to ensure I fully destroyed the weekend.

By the time I'm done, I'm sobbing. Again. It’s become a familiar rite of passage. “I messed up, Suzanne. I took something so beautiful with Keegan, and I destroyed it. What's wrong with me?"

"Not a damn thing. Memories back up on us, at the most inopportune times. I've had meltdowns in front of Shawn, too.” Her eyes glisten from the pain of her own loss. Even though her ex-husband still walks among us, his decision to leave damn near killed her.

I know. I was there.

"You didn't kick Shawn out of your life,” I argue.

"I didn't let him in, either. Not for a long time. I felt my grief belonged to me, and he wouldn’t be able to understand it. But that was terribly unfair. Shawn wanted to understand. It was me who had to open myself to the idea of loving again.”

"I miss Keegan more than breathing, but I can’t shake this feeling that I'm cheating on Charlie by loving another man. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but when I saw those photos of Charlie and me, I felt like I’d been unfaithful, and the universe was reminding me of that fact.”

Suzanne nods, swirling the wine in her glass. This is a painful topic for us both. “I get that, too, but it’s not the case. What are you going to do?”

I scoff and finish the dregs of wine in my glass. As if I have so many options at my disposal. "What can I do? I ruined things with Keegan. He hates me, I'm sure."

"No, he doesn't. He loves you. Do you love him?"

I close my eyes, my mind drifting back to our night together. Right before the dam burst. The firelight and love flickered in Keegan’s eyes and for those precious moments, I was home. A home I’d never known before and one I never wanted to leave.

A home I tossed aside when my memories crashed into my present.

“Do you love him?” Suzanne repeats, giving my knee a gentle squeeze.

I say the words I know are true. “I do. So much."

"Then you need to have a talk with him. But, be prepared to open up a bit. Keegan needs to know you’re willing to move forward with him.”

"What if he doesn't want me anymore?”

Somehow, that thought is more painful than losing Charlie, especially since I know I’m the one to blame.

"Only one way to find out, Callista."

My friend is right. Keegan has been a steady hand in our relationship since the beginning. Never demanding, always understanding. It’s time for me to take the reins for a while.

I only hope I’m not too late.