Both Sides Now (Seasoned Hearts Club)

Chapter 13

Chapter

Thirteen

KEEGAN

N ormally, I enjoy medical conferences. They’re always educational, and they give the doctors in attendance a chance to rub elbows and network. Plus, there are the Michelin-rated restaurants, the top-shelf alcohol, and a bevy of eager-to-please beauties.

Basically it’s business by day, wine, women and song by night.

No joke. The last one I attended involved an evening of drunken karaoke topped off by a roll in the hay with a gorgeous blonde endocrinologist from California.

Damn, but that was a good night.

Fun. Easy. No strings attached kind of night.

This year, it’s not the same, or rather, I’m not the same.

Despite my lavish accommodations and proximity to everything in the heart of Chicago, my mind is continuously occupied … by one woman.

Thoughts of Callista drift in and out of my consciousness like a bad dream I can’t shake.

We haven’t spoken in two weeks, since she melted down during our weekend retreat and demanded I take her home .

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve dialed her number a hundred times, but I can’t find the strength to press the call button.

After all, I promised to give her time, especially since she claimed she couldn’t do it.

Do what? Be with me? Date me? Worst of all, love me?

Deep down, I always feared it would come to this. Even though it’s just shy of two years since her husband died, it’s obvious the pain is still raw.

I want to help Calli, but I don’t know how. To quote her, I can’t understand or fathom her pain. I somehow doubt the abandonment by my father all those years ago even registers in the same ballpark.

Besides, I don’t grieve my father. I detest the man.

I’m not sure which emotion is worse.

But the worst part? I allowed myself to get caught up in emotion that weekend, only on the opposite side of the spectrum.

When Calli told me she loved me, I let her in. Fully. I released every fear I had clung to and claimed her as mine, only to have her reject my love a day later.

They, and I have zero idea who they are, claim men are supposed to be strong. Emotionless, even.

What a bunch of bullshit. When someone cuts you, you bleed—simple and scientific fact. The wound Calli gifted me that day throbs, and there’s no end in sight for the pain.

She wasn’t the only heartbroken person on that ride home.

Sadly, my feelings didn’t factor into her decision. My feelings, my heart, didn’t count.

At first, I was furious. My ego and soul were crushed. That anger gave way to frustration and then to sadness.

After a week, I was numb and throwing myself into work to hold the loneliness at bay.

When my mother called, I fully intended to play off the breakup like it was nothing, but it was a fool’s errand. She saw through my facade and I broke, filling her in on the weekend and our short-lived relationship.

My mother listened, and then asked me to keep the faith. She had dated after my father left, and she too had feelings of guilt back up on her. By the time she got her head on straight, the man in question wanted nothing more to do with dating her.

She begged me to give Callista the space she needed, certain she would return.

And that’s what I’m trying to do. Keep busy and keep my chin up.

Deep down, I want to believe Calli loves me. Hell, she told me several times, and the emotion in her face when she spoke the words seemed authentic.

But who knows anymore?

I’m glad for one thing.

When we made that love that night, I was so entranced that I would have given Callista anything she wanted. Marriage, kids, the whole nine yards. If she had asked for those things in that moment, there would have been no question.

And I came this close to saying it aloud because I knew what it meant to her.

I wanted her to want those things with me.

But I held my tongue and let the moment slip by.

Good thing I did, since she threw that love in my face not twelve hours later, and walked out of my life.

Now, that emotional barricade I erected all those years ago around my heart is back—with reinforcements. I know Callista didn’t intend to hurt me, but she did, regardless.

Does it even matter now?

I may never hear from her again.

After two drinks in the hotel bar, I bore of the conversation and excuse myself, claiming a headache .

My colleagues will understand. Or they won’t. Either way, it doesn’t matter to me.

I toss my jacket down on the bed, and my phone slips out, flashing with several missed calls.

It’s likely the office. Alice, despite being brilliant in her role as my office manager, has a hard time exerting authority. When I’m gone, I leave her in charge, but she still calls me about every situation to ensure we’re on the same page.

But it isn’t Alice. Or the office. It’s Calli, and she’s called no less than ten times.

Fearing the worst, I dial her number, all while pacing the rug and trying to calm my racing heart.

“I figured if I barraged you with enough phone calls that you would have to answer, eventually.”

Usually, I find her wit endearing, but I’m too emotionally spent from these last weeks to laugh. “Is everything okay, Callista?”

She manages a small chuckle, but it lacks mirth. “All business and use of my full name. I really mucked things up, didn’t I?”

I squeeze my eyes against the banging in my brain. So much for claiming a headache. Now I have one for real. “I’m not entirely sure I know what you mean.”

“Yes, you do.”

I huff out a breath, feeling the agitation creep in. “Look, I’m not really up for a guessing game right now.”

“I’m not playing games. It took me several days to work up the courage to call you.”

With a sigh, I perch on the edge of the bed and loosen my tie. “You never have anything to fear with me.”

Calli is silent for a beat, and part of me wonders if she’s regretting this phone call. “I’m sorry for my behavior in Mystic. I thought I was better, and I am normally, but so many emotions backed up on me when I saw that slideshow. I felt like I was suffocating. I didn’t know how to let you in. I didn’t know if I wanted to. My grief is not a pretty place.”

Her words echo those I’ve read over the past week. Yes, I’m reading books about loving a widow, trying to maneuver their fields of grief with them while still respecting their boundaries.

It’s no simple task.

“You have nothing to apologize for. Like I told you that night, I hate that you’re hurting. And you’re right. I can’t understand your grief, any more than I could understand my mother’s. Or my own. But sometimes, it’s not about being able to understand, but just being there. Being present. Sometimes the only way to stop the feeling of suffocation is to open up enough to let the air in.”

Calli sniffles on the end of the line, but I’m unsure if she’s crying or simply suffering from allergies.

Truth is, I’m not sure of much anymore. Especially not love and all its trappings.

“Can I see you? I miss you so much.” Her voice is soft but clear as her request knocks me sideways.

I struggle for the correct response, if there even is one. Do I want to see her? Desperately. But I fear a repeat of that weekend—of recurring repeats throughout the course of our relationship.

I don’t think I can handle that again.

Calli clocks my silence. My indecision. But it appears she’s not wiling to go down without a fight. “I know I don’t deserve a second chance. I know I hurt you with my actions, which I never meant to do. You’re the most amazing man. I think I just needed to get all that anguish out because I feel calmer now. Those tears I held back all those months? It felt so good to let go of them.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’ve been worried about you.”

“Come on, have dinner with me tomorrow night. Anyplace you want to go, it will be my treat. Plus, I have a whole ton of reasons why you should give me another chance, but I’ll only tell you in person.”

I fight the smile curling the corners of my lips, but the woman’s energy is infectious. “Is that a fact?”

“It is, and they are really good reasons. Besides, I think you like me, too, even if I suffered a breakdown and ruined the beautiful weekend you planned for us. But I fully intend to make it up to you, if you’ll let me.”

“You didn’t ruin the weekend,” I lie.

“Yes, I did. Let’s call a spade a spade. I buggered it utterly, even though that was never my intention. But, after crying for a couple of days, I realized that I have to move forward. I want to move forward. So, I am. I packed up all of Charlie’s clothing and donated it last week.”

This is an enormous step for her. She’s being proactive, relinquishing pieces of the life they shared together. I can’t fathom how hard it must be to accept the grief into your soul instead of fighting it. To allow those emotions free rein to do their worst, no matter how thick the barricade around your heart. “How did that feel?”

“Dr. Russo, you will not play the role of my therapist. I have one of those now, too.”

A small chuckle escapes my throat. I’m proud of her. “Big steps, Calli.”

“I’ve been stagnant for almost two years. It’s time to get moving. I have so much to live for and I’d like you to be a gigantic part of it.”

I want to believe. God, I want to believe her.

But the last time I believed her, it was my heart that got trampled. This time, I’m treading lightly, taking things slow. And my rules? The ones I was ready to pitch out the window? They’re back in force, at least for now .

“So, what do you say? Dinner at seven? I’ll pick you up, bring you flowers.”

I shake my head, clearing away the multiple trains of thought parading about my brain. “Sorry, I can’t see you tomorrow.”

“The day after?” There’s a palpable apprehension in her voice now, replacing the lilting tone present only moments before.

“This week is no good.”

Calli’s heavy sigh echoes in my ear. “Right. I should have realized a man like you doesn’t wait long for willing and able suitors. Any woman would be lucky to have you. I know I was.”

What the hell?

“Wait, wait, wait. I’m not dating anyone. I’m at a medical conference in Chicago. Dinner is tricky when I’m a thousand miles away.”

“Oh, thank God,” she breathes, her husky laugh cutting through any last cords holding back my affection. “I was terrified I lost my chance.”

Tell me about it.

“I told you I would give you time. The last two weeks sucked, but I knew it was what you needed.”

“What I need is you . Can I see you when you get back?”

At this point, I’m tempted to hop a plane and fly straight back to her waiting arms.

I almost mention just that, but the pain from a few weeks ago reminds me that this time, I need to exercise caution.

My heart is not a punching bag, not matter how much I love the boxer.

“Sure. I’ll be home on Friday.”

“Can’t wait. I miss you, Keegan.” Her voice is thick with emotion, but I worry those feelings will change on a dime again .

The distance and time apart are good for us both.

Let her miss me. Let her realize what she wants, on her own terms. Let her fight for us, or at least help me slay the demons threatening to tear us apart.

“Miss you, too.”

“Don’t have too much fun. I remember your tale of drunken karaoke.”

“Ah yes, those were the days,” I tease, earning a surprised guffaw from Calli.

“You better not,” she warns.

I chuckle, running a hand over my jaw. It feels good to laugh. “Damn it, there goes my extracurricular activities for the week. I suppose you’re worth it though, so I’ll behave.”

“Good. Wouldn’t want to have to implement some discipline when you return.”

Well, shit. That got my dick’s attention. “Hmm. I don’t know. Maybe I should engage in some shady behavior, then.”

“I don’t recommend it, gorgeous. Save all your shady behavior for me,” she giggles, blowing a kiss into the phone before hanging up.

“Glad to see you’re in a better mood,” my colleague, Dr. Miner, comments at breakfast the following morning.

“I had a headache.”

“I get those too, particularly around certain people. Trust me, you didn’t miss much. The blowhard bragged on himself for the next ninety minutes. I had a migraine myself by the time I begged off.”

With a chuckle, I settle into a seat next to him. “I knew there were perks to turning in early.”

“I can ply you with small talk, but I need to know. Have you given any further thought to what we discussed a few weeks ago?”

The weekend in Mystic was singular in many ways.

Dr. Miner phoned me that first morning with a job opportunity. Opportunity is an understatement. It’s my dream gig, the one I’ve worked tirelessly toward for the last decade.

At the time, he wasn’t positive it would come to fruition, but he wanted to inform me that I was at the top of a very short list.

The mirage has morphed into a genuine oasis.

But I refrain from giddiness, as the details surrounding the job are murky, at best.

Sometimes, things that sound too good to be true, are just that, and if the last weeks have taught me anything, it’s to proceed with caution.

I shrug and take a bite of my eggs. “Not really, to be honest. You said it might not happen. I don’t put much stock in possibilities.”

“It’s happening. How attached are you to upstate New York?”

Good question, all things considered. “I’m a partner in a relatively large practice, but you already know that. Also, I’m dating a woman who lives there.”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

I sit back and give the doctor my full attention. “It all depends on the offer. Is it better than what I have now?”

Dr. Miner nods, rubbing his hands with his napkin. “Let me whet your appetite, Dr. Russo. Fifty percent control of the largest reproductive endocrinology practice in the tri-state area. Best part, its headquarters are on Long Island, which is where your family lives, yes?”

I fight to maintain a neutral facade. My doctor expression, as Calli puts it.

Dr. Miner isn’t talking about just any practice. He’s referring to his own, and it’s world renowned. Top of the line equipment, resources, everything. Working there would open the door to a bevy of patient options and treatments—something lacking at my current practice. Plus, he’s offering a full partnership, with as much say in future dealings as he himself possesses.

Right now, I have twenty-five percent control, which means I’m generally outnumbered by my more conservative partners.

“That’s quite an offer, Dr. Miner.”

“You’re quite a doctor. I’d be a fool to let someone else snatch you up. You and I both know that fact.”

“When would you need my answer?”

“I’ll give you a couple of weeks. I understand it’s a big change, but change is vital to growth.” He lifts his mug, nodding in my direction. “Here’s hoping you ring me with some good news soon. Until then, I’ll have to placate myself with another round of drunken karaoke. Maybe that beauty from Los Angeles will want an encore.”

I laugh, recalling Callista’s warning. “Count me out.”

“Ah yes, the little woman no doubt wouldn’t approve,” he jests.

That’s an understatement, although she would be one sexy as fuck dominatrix.

Friday took its sweet time getting here. To say I’m champing at the bit to see Calli is an understatement.

We talked and texted daily during the remainder of my conference, and she maintained a fun and flirty disposition.

Last night, though, she imbibed a bit of whiskey and was feeling frisky. Did I spend an hour on the phone with her, whispering dirty praise in her ear while she pleasured herself?

Damn right I did .

But phone sex is no substitute for the real thing and I’m desperate to sink balls deep inside her.

Apparently, the feeling is mutual. Calli leaps into my arms the second after she opens the door and holds me tight, pressing her head against my chest. “You’re finally back. You’ve been gone forever.”

I tip her chin up and steal a kiss from her pouty lips.

I really want to rip every stitch of clothing from the woman’s body, right here in full view of her neighbors.

Pretty sure she’s game, too, but Callista and I need to have a talk first.

A serious talk.

“It’s like you missed me or something,” I tease, as she leans in to nibble my neck.

Calli pulls back, her eyes bright. “I missed you so much, Keegan.”

I see it in her eyes, too—the love living there. But after our weekend in Mystic, I don’t dare ask who that love is meant for. Some things are better left unsaid.

Lowering her to the ground, I grasp her hand and lead her to my Jeep. “I made reservations at that Italian place we like. Does that work for you?”

“It’s perfect, but I’m supposed to be taking you out to dinner, remember?”

“So long as we’re together.”

A smile lights up Calli’s face as she leans across the Jeep interior to kiss me. “Best answer ever.”

But despite her upbeat demeanor, I’m a bundle of nerves. The short ride to the restaurant is filled with music and me tapping out the beat against the steering wheel, all the while trying to figure out how to broach the topic.

Calli spends the drive rubbing my arm and drifting her fingers through my hair, but every caress only serves to further my anxiety .

She senses something immediately, but I play it off as jet lag. I refuse to have this conversation in the Jeep.

Wine must make an appearance.

By the time our glasses arrive at the restaurant, my stomach is knotted with anxiety.

Calli puts down the menu and rests her elbow on the table. “Keegan, what’s wrong? Are you still mad at me?”

I shake my head and swallow some wine. “I was never mad at you. I have big news, and I’m nervous to tell you.”

“You can tell me anything.”

Trust me, love, we’re about to test that theory.

Here goes nothing.

I reach across the table, clasping her hands in mine. “I spoke with a colleague during the medical conference. He has an opening in his practice. It’s an unbelievable opportunity. Once in a lifetime shot, really.”

She smiles, but the apprehension is clear on her face. “That’s amazing, Keegan. Where will this new venture take you?”

“Long Island. It makes sense since my mom and family are there. Plus, the opportunity is unbelievable.” Great, now I’m repeating myself.

“Yes, you said.” Calli rolls her shoulders, slips her hand from mine, and raises her wineglass. “Congratulations. I know you’ll be an incredible addition to his practice.”

“I haven’t decided yet. I’m mulling it over.”

Okay, that’s a lie. I know the two things I want, but those things are in different locales.

Calli doesn’t seem happy about my news, but she’s holding it together. My question is why. Is she being stoic or is she grateful for the reprieve?

I attempt to interpret her body language, desperate for some sign to forge ahead .

Our server stops by the table to take our orders, but I wave her off, buying us a few more minutes.

Meanwhile, Calli has avoided looking in my direction since her stilted toast. Her eyes scan the restaurant, but I notice their glassy appearance.

“Can you say something, please?”

She blots her eyes with her napkin before offering a sad chuckle. “I just found you, and now, I’m losing you. I can’t help but think my breakdown that weekend spurred your decision.”

“Not at all, although that was when I first learned of the job. But, it was pie in the sky at that point. At the medical conference, Dr. Miner assured me the position was mine if I wanted it.”

Calli shifts in her seat, her gaze focused on the table. “Leaves us a bit of nowhere, doesn’t it?”

Okay, heart, open up one last time. If anyone deserves a second chance, it’s this woman.

Once again, I clasp her hand, running my thumb against her skin. “Actually, it could be a new start for us.”

Her gray eyes meet mine, wide with disbelief. “You want me to go with you?”

In that instant, I know it’s exactly what I want, but I also know she’s fragile. Before Calli freaks out, I’ll lay down some ground rules. Hopefully, they’ll ease her mind.

“Of course, I do, but we won’t rush into anything. We can live near each other, see each other a few times a week.”

“Near each other?” She furrows her brow, seeking clarification.

“Yes. Same town. Hell, same complex if you want.”

A muscle jumps in her jaw as she reaches for her wine. “We’ll be neighbors. How quaint.”

I pull my hand back and wipe my palm on the napkin. “More than neighbors. Obviously. ”

She raises the glass again, a glower clouding her features.“My mistake. Neighbors who fuck .”

Okay, this is not going well. “I don’t look at you as someone I fuck, Calli. You were my girlfriend.”

“Emphasis on was , right?” Another swallow disappears from her wineglass. At this rate, she’ll down a bottle before we order. “What about my life here? I have the wellness center and my house.”

“It’s a seller’s market, so you’ll get top dollar for your house. Plus, they love yoga and massage down there. You can open a wellness center anywhere. Or, branch out and become a chain.”

Calli takes deep gulping breaths, her gaze focused on her empty plate. “Sell my house. Right. Sell the house I bought with Charlie to move to Long Island and be your neighbor .”

“It’s a start. We ease into things this time.”

“How is that easing into anything, Keegan? You want me to uproot my entire life, sell my home?—”

“You don’t even like that house.” Hey, it’s the truth. She’s told me on several occasions how she never wanted to buy it.

Now, she has a chance to sell it and start anew.

“That’s not the point,” she argues.

My anger rises with every passing minute, as my foot taps erratically against the floor. “Then what is the point, Calli? I know this is a big change, but change is good. Change is necessary.”

“For whom? You? You’ve got this huge job offer and your family and friends down there. What do I have?”

A few restaurant patrons glance in our direction as Calli’s voice increases with every syllable.

“Me. You have me.”

“As. Your. Neighbor .”

Maintain your cool, Keegan. The neighbor idea did not go over well. Time for a new plan .

I toss my napkin on the table and raise my hands in surrender. “We can buy a house together, then. I didn’t think you’d want to move quickly with me. Not after Mystic.”

Calli finally meets my gaze, her eyes bright with tears. “Do you want to move quickly? What do you want from me, Keegan?”

Christ, she is not asking me that question.

What do I want from her? Everything.

What will I admit right now? At this point, not a whole hell of a lot.

The last two times I opened my heart to Calli, she trampled it. Even though she didn’t intend to, my heart still took a beating.

Besides, she has yet to disclose what she wants from me, and I refuse to dole out any information until I know where she stands.

“I don’t want us to end,” I offer, hoping it will be enough for her to see past my fear.

Not even close.

She rubs her hand across her eyes. “That tells me nothing. Wait, I’m wrong. I guess you actually did tell me what you wanted. Neighbors with benefits. Forgive me if that concept sounds terrible from my end.”

“It was only a suggestion. Like I said, we can buy something together.”

A bark of laughter rises from her chest. “So, now we’re investment partners with benefits. Am I close here?”

I’ve never seen this side of Callista before. She was harsh and biting in Connecticut, but it wasn’t aimed in my direction. That day, she barely acknowledged my existence … or my feelings.

Tonight is a different story as her wrath has one focus: me.

I’m a calm man, but it’s taking everything in me to maintain an even keel. The truth, a truth she should realize, is that I don’t belong playing defense.

I wasn’t the one who pulled the plug on our relationship.

I wasn’t the one who ran away.

“What about a future?” Calli’s gaze focuses out the window, her lips pursed in a thin line.

“Isn’t that what we’re discussing? A future on Long Island?”

“No, you’re discussing real estate options. I’m asking about a future for us. I assume you’ll take over my case down there?”

My mouth goes dry. Maybe I didn’t hear her correctly. “What are you talking about?”

“The baby I planned to have with Charlie.”

She can not be serious right now. The woman has to be fucking joking.

“Is that still your plan?”

Calli shrugs, finishing off the dregs of her wine. “I don’t know, Keegan. You don’t want any of the things I want, per your own admission.”

“That was before.” My voice is low, barely audible at this point.

“Before what?”

“Before you. Why do you think I’m asking you to come to Long Island?”

Calli leans forward, her hands grasping the edge of the table. “According to you, to be your neighbor whom you see a few times a week.”

I tug my hand through my hair as my anger emerges. I’ve held back long enough.

Time for her to hear my side.

“How did I get to be the bad guy?” I ask, pointing to myself. “I’m trying to include you in my life. My plans. What more do you want me to say?”

My loud tone quiets her down, and I watch as a tear slips down her cheek. “You never want to get married and have a family. That’s what you said. Have you changed your mind?”

I can lie and emerge the victor from this fight, but that’s not my style. And Calli deserves better than that.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You want me to uproot my life here, leave behind every memory I have with Charlie, forgo having a child with him, but you can’t even offer me a definitive answer? I don’t know is the best you can do?”

“It’s the truth. I do know you’ve made me consider things that I never did before.”

“I’m supposed to base my life on an I don’t know, and hope for the best?”

“Calli, that is life. It’s a series of moments where the ending is unclear.”

“That’s not true. Charlie would have given me anything.”

And my temper careens into high gear.

I hit the table with my fist, making the glasses jump. “Charlie isn’t here. I am, but you won’t even consider my offer. You act like he was perfect?—”

“He was?—”

“No. He was a man. A damn fine man, I’m certain, but a man with flaws and shortcomings. You’ve placed him on this pedestal, and no one stands a chance against him. In your mind, all you remember are the good times. You’re telling me you two never fought? You never disagreed?”

“How dare you—” Calli hisses, but I’m not done speaking yet.

I’m just done.

“Trust me, I’m not trying to insult Charlie’s memory. But I’ve finally realized that I can’t compete with it, either.”

Her face softens at my statement and she clasps her hand over her mouth, as if finally realizing my pain. “I don’t want you to compete with him. I know it’s hard for you to understand.”

I run my hand across my brow, exhausted by this latest fight.

Exhausted in general.

At least I know where I stand now, and it’s not enough for me.

Long Island, here I come.

“It’s impossible to understand because you won’t let me in. You hold me at arms’ length, claiming your grief as the reason. But it’s not. The fact is, I’m not Charlie and I never will be. But I’m a good man, and I love you. For a brief instant, I thought you loved me, too.”

“Keegan, I do.”

“Just not enough. I get that Charlie was your great love and I don’t want to take his place in your heart. I had hoped there might be enough room for me, too. But there isn’t. I see that now. My mistake.”

“Keegan—” Calli reaches for my hand, but it’s too little, too late.

“You want me to promise you everything, but you won’t even let me in. How is that fair?”

“I want to let you in. I want us to have a future.”

The old adage is true. Actions speak louder than words.

Her actions these past few weeks scream volumes.

“No, you don’t. You threw us away like it was nothing. Then, you get angry that I invite you to take this adventure with me, but without all the bells and whistles of a relationship. A relationship which you ended. You can’t have it both ways.”

I can’t do this anymore. It’s too painful. Too raw.

And it’s a dead-end street to nowhere.

I flag down the server, handing over my credit card. “I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll drop you at home.”