Chapter 14
Chapter
Fourteen
CALLISTA
F or the second time in two weeks, I pass out from crying, my body slumped on the floor of my foyer.
But this time, all my tears are for Keegan.
What could have been is the saddest phrase in the English language, and one I’ve grown to know all too well.
The next few days drift by in a haze.
I call the wellness center and claim I have the flu, passing off or cancelling all appointments for the week.
Then I take to my bed. Just like when Charlie passed, I allow the grief to consume me. For the first time in almost two years, I feel despair creeping back in, and I question how much longer I must continue living this life.
My therapist is no help. Oh, she tries, but I’m too much of a mangled mess for even her doctorate degree to handle. I’m a ball of every kind of emotion, wrapped in a tearful package that vacillates between sobbing and screaming.
In short, I’m losing my mind.
A knocking sounds at my door, but I ignore it and toss my pillow over my head in the hopes they’ll go away.
When the key jingles in the lock, I realize who’s at the door .
It’s either Shawn or Suzanne, and they’re not going away. I have to face them, although I’d sooner face an executioner than allow my friends access to the depraved corners of my mind.
“Okay, time to get up. It stinks in this house, and I’m sure you’re fairly ripe, too.”
Shawn rips the blanket off the bed, and I groan, clutching for the sheet. “Go away.”
“Absolutely not. I will not let you lie here, pining for death. You have too much to live for.”
I pull the pillow from my head, glaring at him and the sunlight in equal measure. “What do I have to live for, huh? I’m alone, Shawn. It’s easy for you to tell me to take it on the chin. You get to go back to your happy life and your happy wife and your family. Me? I have nothing.”
“You have friends and family who adore you. A wellness center wondering when the hell you’ll recover from the flu you lied about having.”
“It means nothing.”
“How about Keegan? Does he mean anything?”
“Keegan is gone.” Those words rip my soul apart, along with the knowledge that my actions are to blame for his departure.
Shawn sinks onto the bed, turning on his side to face me. “What the hell happened? You two were crazy about each other.”
I wipe the tears from my eyes with a sigh. “He said he couldn’t compete with Charlie.”
Shawn shakes his head, clicking his tongue against his teeth. “There’s more to it than that. Something led to that statement.”
Shit. Might as well spill the entire sad story. “Everything was going great. He took me to Mystic, and I told him I loved him. He told me he loved me, too. ”
“Terrible guy, so far.”
I chuck a pillow at my friend’s head. “You want the story or not?”
“Sorry. I thought levity might help. I didn’t realize you’d lost your sense of humor along with your will to shower.”
Okay, that was uncalled for, although a quick sniff of my shirt reveals the truth: I stink.
With a groan, I storm past him into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
When I emerge, Shawn hands me a cup of tea and drops a kiss on my forehead. “Go ahead. The weekend in Mystic.”
“This slideshow popped up on my phone of Charlie and me. I had a meltdown and demanded Keegan take me home. I told him I couldn’t do it—I couldn’t be with him. I basically said all the wrong things and ripped his heart apart. I saw it on his face, but I couldn’t help it. Help him. So, he took me home. After I got here and started living without him, I realized how much I miss him. How much I want a future with him. But I’m too late. Keegan doesn’t want a future with me.”
Shawn rests his chin on his hand. “How do you know?”
“He asked me to move to Long Island with him. He’s been offered this ridiculous position.”
“Help me out here. This is a fantastic opportunity, and it certainly sounds like Keegan wants a future with you. So, why are you camped out in your bed?”
“Just wait, it gets better. He wants us to ease into things, and I mean ease into them. He wants me to go to Long Island, but as his neighbor.”
I expect my friend to rear back with anger, but instead, Shawn skews his mouth to the side and shrugs. “Is there more?”
Is he serious?
“You don’t think that’s a terrible idea? Because it is, and that’s why I said no. Obviously. ”
“And obviously, I don’t know why.”
“Neighbors, Shawn? Come on.”
“You ripped his heart out, Calli. He’s being careful. What do you want him to do? What would you have done in his situation? I don’t blame the man one bit.”
My shoulders sag beneath the weight of Shawn’s words, and the truth is a heavy burden sometimes. During that entire dinner, I figured I was justified in my righteous anger that Keegan didn’t want to put a ring on it and rush me to the altar. Okay, I’m exaggerating, but I swore that night in Connecticut, there was something magical between us. We were on the same page.
Until we weren’t.
The reason we weren’t? I changed course without consulting him. Keegan was only reacting to me.
Which means this whole situation is my fault.
“You’re crazy about him. He’s crazy about you,” Shawn states. “You can fix this mess.”
Might as well spill all the dirt from last night. “Keegan might be crazy about me but he sure wasn’t crazy about the idea of me having Charlie’s baby.”
Shock crosses Shawn’s face. “Ah, yeah, I can see where that would be an issue.”
Seriously, whose side is my friend on?
“Why is it an issue? I met Keegan when I went to his office, wanting to have Charlie’s baby. Besides, it’s not like he wants marriage and a family.”
“Neither did I until I met Suzanne. Things change when you fall in love.”
I twist my bath towel in my hands, as my aggravation grows. “But he didn’t change. I asked Keegan that night if he wanted children. He said he didn’t know. As if that was an acceptable response. I told him I couldn’t base my life on a series of possibilities. ”
“Callista, that’s all life is. You, of all people, know that. Come on, if the roles were reversed, you’d be livid and heartbroken right now. What did you expect him to say?”
“I don’t know.” I toss the towel across the room and avert my gaze. “Yes, I do. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted me. Forever.”
“You want Keegan to be all in when you’re not?”
This friendly chat, which I thought would make me feel better, is instead showcasing the long list of mistakes I’ve made where Keegan is concerned.
“He wanted me to sell the house.”
“You hate this house.”
“But, it’s my house with Charlie.”
“Callista, remember your grandmother’s house in Scotland? You loved that place, but after she died, you hated it. To quote you, it felt like a shrine instead of a home. When your parents sold it, you danced with joy. You told me that you felt like a burden had been lifted.”
“It wasn’t the same after she was gone.”
“And neither is this place.” Shawn’s voice is gentle now, as if realizing how close I still tread to the edge. “It’s just a house now.”
“You think I made the wrong choice?”
“I think if you’d made the right choice, you wouldn’t have taken to your bed for a week.”
He’s right. I know he’s right.
“Should I talk to Keegan?”
He shrugs again, his gaze focused out the window. “I would wait until things cool down. Wait until you’re certain of what you want. You’re giving the poor guy whiplash.”
“I never meant to hurt him.”
“I know, but you did, regardless. Figure out what you want—from him, from life. Then, present your case.”
“Can I go back to bed until then? ”
Shawn tosses the blanket at me, shooting me a mock scowl. “I’ll let you wallow for the next two days, but that’s it. Don’t make me send Suzanne down here.”
“Deal,” I grumble, grabbing Domino in my arms as I return to my bed.
Shawn leans over me, pressing a kiss to my forehead as I snuggle back under the covers. “I love you. You are my family. But I don’t want to see you miss out on your life. There’s a ton of beauty out there, just waiting for you.”
I spend the next hour in bed, but I can’t sleep. Instead, I stare at the ceiling, my fight with Keegan playing on a reel in my head.
It’s funny how you only see an argument from one side when you’re mired in it. But my friend’s observations prove that Keegan was only protecting himself.
Protecting a heart that I hurt. Repeatedly.
Suddenly, a new feeling seeps into my body.
Hope.
So, I fucked things up. Again. I own that fact. But I’m not above apologizing. I’m also not above begging or groveling, should the case require it.
“What do you think, Domino? Shall we see if Dr. Russo might reconsider some of the details of this Long Island adventure? Renegotiate some terms that suit all of us?”
Her tail wags with enthusiasm, a sure sign of her approval.
First thing tomorrow morning, I’ll talk to Keegan. Right after I finish cleaning this house.
So much for best-laid plans.
My hands shake as I read the form letter from Dr. Russo’s office. It informs me, and the rest of his patient roster, that the esteemed specialist is leaving the practice at the end of the month. His current caseload will be divvied up amongst the three remaining doctors, but not to worry. The letter assures me that my needs and desires will be carried out in accordance with my wishes.
What a boatload of shit.
A form letter. That’s how I learn when he’s leaving—a damn form letter.
I call his office, tapping my nails against the counter when his receptionist answers. “I need to schedule an appointment with Dr. Russo. Immediately.”
“He’s not taking on any new clients.”
“I’m not a new client. My case is highly specialized, and I just received word that he’s leaving soon. I need to speak with him before then.”
“Ma’am, we will transfer your case?—”
I’m out of patience. And time. “I need to see Dr. Russo. Don’t make me come down there and issue my demands in person.”
A huff sounds from the other end of the line. “What is your name?”
“Callista Webster.”
“Hold, please.”
I pace small circles in my kitchen, listening to the ambient music softly playing from the phone. After what feels like an eternity, the woman comes back on the line.
“Tomorrow at four.” I hear it in her voice. Take it or leave it.
“I’ll be there.”
The following afternoon, I’m back to my usual pacing, except this time, it’s across Dr. Russo’s waiting room. I pity the other patients, as they watch me wear holes into the rug.
At least I look good. I dressed for the occasion, forgoing my usual sweats for a sundress. Although I have zero idea how one should dress to try to win back the man they love, I figure a bit of leg never hurts .
I’m uncertain if there is any hope of winning Keegan back at this point, but I have to try. And if he’s really leaving the Hudson Valley forever, we need closure.
At least I do. I can’t leave things this way.
“Mrs. Webster, the doctor will see you now.” A young brunette leads me to Keegan’s office, pointing at one of the chairs.
Keegan glances up from his desk, but his face doesn’t give away any emotion. “What can I do for you, Calli?”
I will stay calm. I will stay calm.
“You’re leaving? Just like that?”
“It was a carefully calculated decision. It’s a great opportunity for me, as you know.”
“You have opportunities here.” Okay, that came out a bit more forward than I planned.
He raises his brow at the force of my voice. “What do you need?”
“I need you. I need you to talk to me. I said so many wrong things that night. Both nights, actually, and I’m so sorry. I was angry and scared.”
“You said what you felt. As did I. I can’t compete with Charlie. I don’t stand a chance of winning. There’s not even room for me at the table to play.”
I reach across the desk to grasp his hand, but he moves it away. “I know that’s how you feel, but it’s not true. There is room for you. I’ve made certain.”
All I have to do is convince Keegan that I love him. That I want him.
Just him.
How hard can it be?
Keegan folds his hands in a triangle and clears his throat, avoiding my gaze. “Look, I never should have let it get this far. ”
A sheen of perspiration breaks out across my skin. “What does that mean?”
“You’re my patient. You want a baby with your husband. It’s my job to give you that.”
“I am more than your patient.”
“Because I let it get too far. I felt something, and I went with it. I should have maintained a professional distance. This is on me.”
My temper flares at Keegan’s calm demeanor. His flat affect. “Screw your professional distance. What about that weekend in Connecticut?”
Keegan straightens, his fingers tapping against the desk. “The one where you demanded I drive you home because you couldn’t handle being around me? That weekend? The one where not twelve hours after you told me that you love me, you slam on the brakes? What about it, Calli?”
Okay, at least now he’s angry. It’s an improvement over apathy. I’ll take what I can get at this point.
I’m also firmly aware that I need to lay everything on the line if I stand any chance in hell of salvaging our relationship.
“We didn’t use anything that weekend.”
When his only reply is a raised brow, I continue. “We didn’t use any protection.”
He clicks his tongue against his teeth, nodding in agreement. “I know. I’m sorry about that as well.”
“You’re sorry? So, it meant nothing to you? Because it meant something to me.”
“Of course, it meant something. But I crossed a line. A line I won’t cross again.”
I feel the walls closing in on me, my throat constricting as I fight to find a way to reopen the door to Keegan’s heart. “That’s it, then? You’re done with me?”
His blue eyes—those beautiful blue eyes I hoped to gaze into every morning—meet mine. “Calli, I did not reach this decision lightly. I wish you every happiness. You deserve it. I hope you have the most beautiful baby in the world. One that looks like a perfect blend of you and Charlie.”
“What if I’m already pregnant?”
His jaw slackens as a a shocked huff flies from his mouth.
Finally, an honest reaction.
“What?”
“We had unprotected sex. Multiple times. I was ovulating. What if I’m pregnant? What then?”
“I hadn’t considered that, but I can test you right now.”
“You didn’t consider it? I guess that’s your ploy with every woman, huh? It works. Sure made me feel special.”
I’m not sure how I’m still standing at this point. Everything I thought meant something … didn’t.
“It’s not my ploy , and you know it. We can test you right now. It will only take a moment.”
“Fine.” I wait as he calls to his nurse before trailing her to the bathroom. Then, I pee into a cup, shove it in the marked cabinet and return to the waiting room to await my fate.
After a few minutes, the nurse leads me back to Dr. Russo’s office, where he slips a piece of paper across the desk.
Negative.
I’m not pregnant with Keegan’s baby.
I blink back tears as the sorrow kicks in. Sorrow I hadn’t expected to feel.
“Negative,” I mumble. “Well, you must be thrilled.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” he snaps.
I raise my hands in surrender. “You don’t want kids. You regret that weekend, crossing that line. Regret all your time with me. Now, at least you won’t have to worry.”
Keegan leans back in his chair, his face a sea of calm. I wish I had one iota of his nonchalance. I’m a hot mess, covered in a hot mess.
“I wasn’t worried,” he states. “You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met, but I can’t watch you have a child with someone else. I can’t do it, and I know that makes me a bastard in your eyes. So, I’m stepping back. I want to give you want you want, Calli. My partners will take over your case. They’re top-notch specialists.”
“No.”
His eyes widen at my forceful reply. “No?”
“Tell me the results.”
“I just did.”
“Not for us. I want to know Charlie’s results.”
“I don’t know if they’re back,” he stammers.
Keegan is a terrible liar. He loathes lying, likely because he sucks at it.
But I’m done skipping around the truth. I need cold, hard facts, and I need them now. “You know they’re back. Tell me the results.”
“I don’t think?—”
“Tell me,” I bellow, my voice reverberating off the walls.
Keegan opens my file on the computer, his eyes scanning the results. But I already know the outcome. I see it in the set of his jaw and the look of pity washing over his features. “His sperm contains a DNA fragmentation index of greater than thirty percent.”
“Speak English, Dr. Russo.”
He runs a hand along his bearded jaw and shakes his head. “The reason you kept miscarrying … is that although his sperm fertilized your egg, the sperm wasn’t healthy enough to produce a viable fetus.”
“Not compatible with life.” The words slip past my lips, sounding as hollow as I feel. A one, two punch. There is no hope for Charlie’s legacy and Keegan is leaving my life. “It’s over. I have nothing left.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“Are you? ”
His brows raise at my pointed question. “Do you think this makes me happy? Watching your heart break? It’s agonizing for me. I know how much you wanted this baby. I hate that this is the result. It brings me no joy.”
But, despite the pain of learning Charlie’s fate, that isn’t why my heart aches.
“What about the other result? Do you hate that, too?”
“Calli—”
I stand and grab my purse. “No need to answer that. I’ve loved two men in my life. One is buried six feet under and the other is leaving my life forever. Good luck on Long Island. I’m sure you’ll be a smashing success.”
“Please, wait a few minutes. You’re too upset to drive.”
No way will I stick around any longer. Why stay where I’m not wanted?
I slide on a brave mask, much like I’ve done these last several years.
“Don’t worry about me. I’m grand. Just one more nail in the coffin that is my life.” I march to the door, my hand resting on the knob.
This is the last time I’ll see Dr. Russo, and I hate sending him off with anything but love. He deserves that.
He deserves everything. Everything I should have been smart enough to give him.
Glancing over my shoulder, I force a smile, even though my face wants to crack. “Take care of you, Keegan. You’re the most amazing man. I just wish I hadn’t been too late to realize it.”