Breakaway for Love (Hockey & Love #1)

10. Confession Time

10

CONFESSION TIME

Daniel

We step through the door together and silence enters the room with us — an extremely uncomfortable silence. I sit on the bed uncertainly.

"How are you?" I ask cautiously.

Nico sighs and runs his hands over his face. It's a gesture that speaks of exhaustion, but there's vulnerability there, too, the kind Nico rarely lets through.

After a moment of indecision, Nico moves to the armchair by the window. I can’t stop a little grin playing on my lips despite the strange mood. It stabs me in the heart that Nico is obviously trying to put some space between us, but this blue-gray armchair now has a very special place in my heart. It's not where it all started, but the intimacy we shared there seemed like a turning point in our relationship.

I hope this particular chair isn’t now playing a part in me not getting everything I want — Nico.

I swallow nervously.

Nico’s expression is unreadable. He's so good at hiding his emotions that sometimes it feels a little uncanny. I hate sometimes having absolutely no clue what he’s thinking or feeling — it makes me feel powerless to help.

I’m amazed when he starts speaking.

"Honestly … I don't know how I feel."

I hold my breath.

Please, keep talking! Please let me know what is going on inside you! I silently yell.

And I must have done something right because he does.

"My father, the game, your ... your words ..." he breaks off.

Inwardly, I curse the timing of all this. But it is what it is. At least now I have my chance to talk things through properly with him. I get up from the bed and Nico doesn’t blink as he watches me walk towards him, but he doesn't object either. By the time I reach him, I’m a little lost for words. I wanted to be near him, but now …

Then something inside me spurs me on. This is my chance, right? No one will interrupt us this time, so I need to seize the moment! I take Nico's hand in mine and gently kiss the back of it. Something flares in his gaze, but it’s gone too quickly for me to identify it. Once again, I’m uncertain. But uncertainty doesn’t need to stop me.

Without letting go of his hand, I sit on the floor in front of him. The linoleum feels cold, but that doesn't matter. There are more important things to focus on right now. I can cope with a cold butt.

Get on with it then! a voice inside me urges.

"I meant what I said before the game — you do mean a lot to me." I falter and try to mentally line up the best way to express myself.

But before another word passes my lips, Nico chimes in, "But it’s just sex ... fun."

A touch of bitterness laces the edge of his words, and my heart starts beating faster than it did on the ice earlier. This is about winning something, too, except it’s infinitely more important than an Olympic gold medal. I'm squeezing Nico's hand.

"Yes, I admit I said that, but ..." I falter again.

Say it, Daniel! There’s no point in burying the truth now .

I take a deep breath and muster my courage, "But, if I'm completely honest, it was more than that right from the start — for me, anyway."

"What do you mean?" Nico barks the question at me almost aggressively, certainly impatiently, as if he’s been waiting for ages to ask it.

I’m not sure how to answer because I haven’t fully worked it out myself yet. So I try to talk my thoughts through aloud.

"Elisabeth thinks there’s always been something between us ..."

When I mention the name of my best friend, Nico snatches his hand away from me.

"What did you tell her?" he asks harshly.

My instinct is to say “Nothing,” but that’s no longer true and my thoughts start racing. Would the truth mean losing Nico now?

Defuse the tension! a soft voice whispers in my mind.

"Are you jealous?" I ask. I even manage to sound a little cheeky despite my throat constricting with nerves. It seems to do the trick, though, thank god!

"Yes ... No ..."

He looks desperate. I reach for his hand again and he lets me lace my fingers with his. Relief spreads over me like a warm blanket, and I take a deep breath. I’m going to take this as a cautiously good sign.

Now Nico takes a deep breath and he asks me a question I didn’t expect. "Are you really bi?"

His eyes plead with me, and when I think of his father's shameful behavior, I understand. This is hard. I hesitate for a breath, but I can't lie to him. I don't want to lie to him.

"Yes," I answer cautiously, but my curiosity takes over. Nico said in the afternoon that he was gay. I thought then that he may have said that to somehow annoy his father? Now, I don't think so. "But you're not," I state, although it’s more of a question.

Nico blushes all over, and just as in the locker room earlier, he looks too adorable. I’d love to shower him with kisses, but even though it would be more appropriate now than with thirty sweaty hockey players watching, it’s not the right moment.

"Can I ask you something?" This question crosses my lips before I can stop it.

Then I pause. I'm too curious for my own good sometimes, and I have no idea how Nico will react to my next question given how easily embarrassed he seems to be. Asking this question is a risk — he might blow up and push me away — and it’s really none of my business. But it’s out there now. I curse myself for not controlling my mouth better.

When Nico nods curtly, I feverishly try to think of something to ask him instead, but nothing comes. I have no choice but to come clean. I hope this doesn't go wrong!

"I may be totally wrong about this, but I kind of got the feeling you didn't have much experience with men."

I didn’t think it was possible, but Nico blushes even more scarlet. The heat seems to spread from the tips of his white-blond hair to his toes.

"You're my first."

Yeah, that's what I thought.

"Then you've only had sex with women before?" Another question that’s really none of my business blurts out.

Miller, shut up! I think, but it's too late.

Nico looks at me for a long time, then a tear wells in his right eye, taking me completely by surprise. He shakes his head as if to rid himself of it. I stare at him in amazement. This was the last thing I expected.

Before I can say anything else, Nico says haltingly, "I couldn't … I just couldn't do it. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. And if ... if ... My father," he croaks. "He would have killed me if ..."

Nothing could hold me in place right now. I jump up and sit on Nico’s lap. He gasps when my not insignificant weight lands on him, but he willingly lets me wrap my arms around him.

"You must have been so lonely!" The thought of him having spent all those years alone makes my heart break. He probably didn't even have anyone to talk to about anything. What has this wonderful man been going through? How did he survive?

Now I’m the one with tears welling in my eyes.

Nico

A sob comes from my throat, then I start to cry. I couldn’t be more embarrassed, but I can’t hold back the tears any longer. Hearing the understanding and concern in Daniel's voice breaks something in me. No other person has ever looked inside me before and it feels so good! I feel like I'm not alone anymore.

It takes a long time before all my emotion is released. When it subsides, I feel empty and yet lighter than ever before. My sobs fade and only the odd hiccup remains by the time Daniel loosens his arms around me. I want to protest, but then he strokes my wet cheek lovingly and tucks a few strands of my hair behind my ears. He doesn't want me to hide from him in any way, and for the first time in my life, I don't want to.

"I'm so sorry, my darling!" he whispers. His eyes are moist, and I wonder if he’s been crying too. For me.

It takes a moment for Daniel’s term of endearment to sink in, but it’s a phrase to treasure.

"Didn't anyone know?" he asks.

I shake my head. Then something occurs to me. "Vincent. I told Vincent two weeks ago." Daniel looks at me in surprise and I shrug. "He warned me off you, actually."

Daniel laughs out loud. "Why would he do that? I'm completely harmless," he adds, batting his eyelashes in such an exaggerated way I giggle like a kid.

The sound makes me startle. I’d never have allowed myself to giggle yesterday, and another chain falls away from my locked heart.

"And he said he thought we protested a little too much in school."

Daniel laughs again and holds me tightly against him once more. I breathe him in. He smells flowery — the showers in the ice rink have the same gel as our bathroom — but his own scent, that spicy, masculine scent that I can't get enough of, is lingering underneath. As difficult as the last few minutes have been, and as drained as I feel, I somehow wish that this moment could last forever.

"I guess our friends were smarter than us on that one," Daniel replies with a grin. "Benjamin and Elisabeth said the same thing." The next moment, however, he turns serious again. "Will you let me love you?" he asks softly.

I try to swallow, but his words instantly made my throat tighten. What would my life be like with a man by my side? Not just any man — with Daniel at my side! Time shifts and images like those in a cheesy movie flash through my mind: Cozy evenings in front of the television, cheeky banter while we josh around on a small pond that looks amazingly similar to the one behind the Terenberg ice rink, and a soundtrack of laughter drifts in the background to them all. Can there be anything better than laughter in the world? Maybe the sex. The incredibly hot sex!

Can I really have all that? Is that what Daniel is offering me? Or am I reading him wrong?

"What do you mean?" My voice almost fails, but I have to know. The images in my head are too beautiful. What if Daniel meant something completely different?

"I want to be with you. Your partner, your boyfriend, your future husband ... call it what you want, but I want you . Always. Completely and totally. You!"

My breath catches. Husband ...

I’ve never imagined marrying anyone. I could never have lived the lie of marrying a woman, and I expected to spend the rest of my life dodging my mother's attempts at matchmaking. But a husband ....

My hands shoot into Daniel's disheveled hair and I pull him towards me. His surprised cry is muffled by my mouth. Our kiss is not tender or gentle. I’m staking my claim. It’s possessive. A promise.

When I come up for air, Daniel laughs.

"I'm taking that as a yes, right?"

I look deep into his eyes.

"Yes!"

Daniel gets off my lap. Then he reaches out his hand to me which I’m only too happy to take it. As at the beginning of our conversation, he kisses the back of my hand. The gesture is old-fashioned, but it feels more intimate than most of what we've done together over the past few weeks.

The bed is where Daniel leads me now. He sits down on the edge of it and now it's me who sits across his lap. Our lips find each other again and this time it's the tender kind of kiss you’d expect after confessing your love.

"Take me," I whisper.

Daniel opens his eyes in surprise. "Are you sure?" he asks. "I wasn’t sure if you’d want to."

Heat rises to my face and I curse my fair skin. I fidget on Daniel’s lap uncertainly, which makes us both moan. Then I decide that Daniel deserves honesty.

"I like it very much. It’s just" — I take a deep breath and try to absorb both oxygen and courage — "I always thought it was perverted to enjoy being touched there."

I’m so ashamed I look past Daniel's shoulder and stare at the two boring Chinese landscapes as if they were the most interesting things I've ever seen.

Daniel is very quiet. Was that too much honesty? Stupid question! Of course, it was too much! I'm such an idiot! Then I feel his hand gently on my cheek. Surprised, I look back at him.

"Thank you for telling me."

I'm in tears again before I can stop it. How did this man manage to turn me into such a wimp in only a few weeks?

Then I realize I must have said the last bit out loud because Daniel shouts, "You're not a wimp!" He sounds really angry.

I want the ground to open up. But before I can bolt, Daniel holds me tight.

"Nico, you just told me that you've never had a relationship or sex before. All because you were afraid of what your father would do if he found out you liked men. I don't even want to imagine the things he said to you at home! People like that always focus on sex rather than the love two men can share. So, I’m sure he's had some pretty horrible things to say about certain sexual practices."

Everything Daniel says is so close to the truth that it's almost spooky. I bury my head in his neck breathing in the scent of flowers and Daniel as deeply as I can. It feels so good to be this close to him.

"Shall we find out what works for both of us?" asks Daniel gently, as he strokes my back.

I nod into his neck and am rewarded with a hand in my hair. Like a cat, I snuggle into his touch.

"I really want to feel you inside me," I confess. But sticking with honesty, I add, "But I'm also a little scared. Except for your tongue, I've never had anything inside me."

"Then we’ll take it slow."

The next moment I gasp in surprise as Daniel stands up with me in his arms as if I weighed nothing. Then he throws me onto the bed — so much for taking it slow.

"Sorry," Daniel says, but the crooked smile on his face shows that he’s anything but sorry. "But you need to get naked!"

We stare at each other for a moment then it’s a competition to see who can get their clothes off first. I love that we're both aiming to win. Once we are naked, I remember something. I jump up from the bed and give Daniel a shove so that he falls back onto the armchair with a surprised laugh. Then I go to my suitcase.

Before we left for Beijing, Vincent paid me one last brief visit. He had a parting gift ready to hand me as we said goodbye — a tube of lube and a pack of condoms. I disappeared them into my suitcase before anyone could see what he’d slipped me. And I don't want to dwell on how embarrassing it was for me. Now, though, I could kiss him.

I take both items and try to keep my composure. I'm really going to do it! It’s my chance to finally embrace the fact that I'm gay. Although, I have to laugh at myself for thinking this. It’s hardly possible to deny, given I'm head over heels in love with another man.

Daniel is absolutely right. What we do in bed isn’t that important. I love him! And that is the most important thing. In fact, I need to make that my new mantra. Maybe then I’ll get rid of my father's voice in my head criticizing everything I do.

I’m pretty composed as I move back towards Daniel, who’s sitting, legs spread, with an equally wide grin on his face. He’s slowly stroking his length as he watches me approach.

I fall to my knees in front of him and tear open the condom wrapper. Then I'm completely overwhelmed. The last time I had a condom in my hand was in sex education class at school.

Without a word, without making me feel stupid, Daniel takes the condom from me and slips it on. Jealousy flashes through me at how experienced he looks. He can do that much too well! How many men ... and women has Daniel had?

"Stop overthinking it!" Daniel says, looking at me with an uncertain grin. "We can't all be virgins."

He says this in way that sounds like he’s in the wrong. And that’s not what I want at all. He’s done nothing wrong. Unlike me, he’s lived his life and it's probably a good thing — at least one of us has the experience to make this less awkward.

I slide onto his lap, legs astride his, and feel my first condom-covered cock against me. A shiver runs through my body. Why is this so erotic? I've heard countless men grumbling about condoms. All I can say is, I find it incredibly erotic to feel the thin rubber coating Daniel's hard cock. I put my hands on his slightly stubbly cheeks.

"I was just jealous," I confess. "You're just too sexy, and the thought of sharing you with someone else ..."

Daniel growls.

"There were others before you, but let’s make one thing clear right away — I do not share! You are mine and mine alone. No other men!"

“Okay! I totally agree with you!" I say with a dash of my old faux arrogance.

We look at each other for a beat then burst into laughter at the same time. Who would have thought this particular conversation could be so much fun. Then Daniel takes the lube out of my hand and my laughter dries up. I bury my face against his neck. This might be my new favorite place.

Daniel clearly misinterprets this. He whispers, "We don't have to ..."

"Shut up and fuck me already!" I mumble against his neck, then cover the tender skin with kisses while Daniel laughs in surprise.

Daniel

This guy!

He has me wrapped around his little finger even if he hasn’t realized it yet. I love that he’s opened up to me, shared his innermost feelings with me, can be vulnerable with me, and then has no problem demanding whatever he wants in his arrogant way. He certainly keeps me on my toes, but I love every facet of him.

His story really got to me. For a moment, my thoughts drift to Claudia. We had great times together, but now I understand that I didn't feel this deeply for her as I do for Nico. It was a more predictable relationship perhaps, but Nico's moods are a protection for the tender soul beneath. A soul he’s only shown to me. It makes me want to love and protect him. He’s mine!

All of a sudden, a memory pushes itself to the front of my mind. When I flew to Vienna a few weeks ago to try to save my relationship with Claudia, I ended up at a small café on the Kahlenberg, one of Vienna's nearby mountains. Hopeless and sad, I was trying to regain some perspective while looking out over the city from above. Then another man entered the café. We struck up a conversation and I quickly realized that I wasn't the only heartbroken guy in the world. Not even in this café.

Now I understand why he was riding his bike in the middle of winter. Still, I was totally jealous of him. He and his best friend had a real chance, they just needed to open their mouths and talk to each other. When he went to the bathroom, I grabbed his rainbow-colored bike helmet and wrote a message on it: "Stop being idiots. Just Love!"

Those words fully apply to Nico and me, too. I hope the stranger whose helmet I scribbled those words on found his happy ending, just as I have. And I plan on loving Nico forever.

While I’m reliving these memories, I flip open the lube and squeeze some out on my hand. Then I finally get my fingers to where I've wanted them ever since I first rimmed Nico here on this chair. His tight hole contracts excitedly at my touch. Then he exhales deeply as if a burden has been lifted from him.

Let me show you how wonderful it can be! I say silently.

I take my time teasing Nico with my fingers. Slowly I increase the pressure, but never enough for my finger to push inside. The movements of his hips have become a bit desperate.

"Give it to me!" Nico hisses at me, his cheeks bright red. From excitement? Or embarrassment at being so demanding? Either way, he looks hot.

I put my free hand behind his neck and pull him towards me. It makes him instantly melt, just like before. I kiss him deeply and try to match the rhythm of our kiss with the stroke of my finger over his rim. Each time, Nico relaxes more. Then I hear a satisfied sigh.

Perfect! I have every intention of taking my time. Firstly, I've waited a long time for this moment, and secondly, I know now how much Nico likes it when I make him wait.

His tongue darts at my lips again and again. The third or fourth time I let him into my mouth and suck his tongue as hard as I’d like to suck his cock. His moans give me the opportunity to press my finger inside Nico’s hole for the first time. He’s so tight!

His whole body becomes stiff.

“Too much?” I ask softly.

But Nico shakes his head. “Keep going.”

I suck on his tongue as hard as I can to distract him from the unfamiliar feeling in his ass. He whimpers. It sounds a mixture of pleasure and discomfort — which is how I felt my first time. I don't stop. Nico seems to like it when I'm a little rougher with him.

It doesn't take long before my finger has disappeared inside him. Despite what I said earlier, I decide not to make him wait this time and curl my finger to tap his prostate.

A surprised cry fills my mouth and our lips part as he throws his head back.

A smile steals onto my lips as I think, I guess you like that, sweetie!

I repeat the movement over and over until Nico is moaning and growling. It's so cool to see him letting himself go completely. It feels amazing to know I’m the reason he’s in such ecstasy.

When he starts clawing my shoulders, I realize his climax is building, so it's time for something more. It’s time for a second finger, and this time I'm not playing around. This time I don't tease him.

As my second finger breaks through his ring, his mouth forms a surprised but silent “Oh.” Nico’s body stills for a second time, but he’s nowhere near as tense as before. I take this as a good sign, but he needs a little time to relax into it, and anyway, something very tempting has caught my eye.

Because Nico is sitting on me, his nipples are at eye level. I lick my lips. But only once. Because there are better things I can do with my tongue. I bend forward and swipe his right nipple. He’s clearly hypersensitive because this seems almost too much for him and he bucks. My arm wrapped tightly around his back keeps him grounded.

"Daniel! Oh, god!"

I grin then lick his stiff bud again before sucking it. At the same time, I push my second finger deeper inside Nico. A tremor runs through his body.

"You can't come until you have my cock inside you!" I say sternly.

A gasp is the only response I get. Nico eyes are tightly closed and he’s obviously trying his hardest to fight his orgasm back. He’s so sexy! My belly is wet from Nico spilling so much precome and I’m frustrated that the way I’m sitting means I can’t bend down to taste his cock. I love giving him blowjobs.

Next time, I promise myself.

Next time ...

For the first time since we started making love, I can say with certainty that there will be a next time, and it feels wonderful!

Leaning over his chest, I lick over Nico's other nipple. Interestingly, this one seems smaller and much more sensitive.

"You're so sensitive here!" I moan in satisfaction as Nico arches in pleasure and digs his fingernails into my back.

"That’s the one I didn’t get pierced."

Did I just hear that right? Did my buttoned-up lover have a nipple piercing once? Why doesn't he have it now? I would have loved to have seen that. And played with it ...

Astonished, I look up at him, but he wants something else. His hands wander into my hair, taking an almost painful grip, and pulls me back to his left nipple.

He answers my silent question anyway. "Got it pierced on my eighteenth birthday. Coach made me take it out two years ago. Now move on!"

There's more to it than that, but now’s not the time to ask. Maybe I'll ask Nico to get it done again later, once we’ve stopped playing hockey professionally, if that’s even possible. It sounds like it could be fun.

"Stop thinking! Fuck me!"

The surprised chuckle that bursts from me at these words snaps me out of my thoughts. Okay!

I love it when Nico tries to take control, but I’m not about to make it easy for him! I suck hard on the small, steeply erect nipple before explaining, "You're not ready yet."

"But ..." Nico's expression is steely as he says this. Then he blushes again before murmuring, "I want to feel that you’ve fucked me tomorrow."

I can't breathe. That is so hot!

"Okay," I concede. "But you have to tell me when it's too much."

Nico

I can't take this teasing anymore. I need Daniel inside me right now. And I know him far too well already. If I let him, he’d spend hours prepping me. He’d drive me to the brink of climax again and again, only to deny me, until I could no longer think, until I'm just a quivering heap of lust. And as much as I usually love that, I don't have the patience for it right now.

I’ve waited far too long to be with a man. Even convinced myself that it was wrong to want it. But Daniel is right when he said we should do whatever feels good for us. And what we do is nobody else's business.

My need to have him inside me is stronger than any other feeling. I rip the lube out of Daniel's hand. I’m not waiting for him this time. I cover his cock with the slippery gel, and if I’m a little liberal with it, I’m sure he’ll forgive me — it's my first time after all. Not that I want to dwell on that.

For the first time since we started sleeping together, Daniel lets me take charge. It’s something I’ve felt I needed to do despite still wrestling with my crippling embarrassment. However, after Daniel rimmed me for the first time, something changed in me. I could admit that I love it when my partner takes the lead. It only got better after that. And anyway, Daniel’s capable of turning me into mush with the slightest touch.

This time, though, Daniel has sunk back into the chair and has his hands clasped behind his head. The laidback look is just an act, though. I can see how fast he’s breathing and how hungrily he follows my every move. Letting me take control like this is so hot. With one hand I take his hard cock then I slowly lower myself down.

"Take your time!" my gorgeous man says.

So, maybe I’m not going to have this all my own way after all. I've noticed over the past few weeks that he likes to take care of me and … that I like it a lot!

Carefully, I rub my hole over the tip of Daniel's cock, and I have a moment of doubt. Maybe Daniel was right and I needed more preparation — this thing feels huge! But thinking about it isn’t going to make it any easier, so I sink a little deeper. I hiss as I feel the burn, but don't let up until Daniel's glans has completely disappeared inside me — it feels like it’s tearing me apart.

Daniel whispers lovingly and his hands seem to be everywhere. He strokes my chest and teases my nipples, strokes my arms gently then takes my cock in his hand. He jerks me off steadily so that I don’t entirely lose the mood. I’d prefer a harder grip, but I have other things on my mind right now. Namely, pleasure and pain. But also, the pleasure in the pain — it's so incredibly intense.

"Try to move a little," Daniel's voice pierces through my brain fog.

I follow his suggestion and it sets off a range of sensations inside me. There’s fullness — I’ve never felt so full. And pain— that seems to undercut everything. At the same time, there’s a pleasure like I’ve never experienced before. It's as if something suddenly clicked and I understand what my body has been longing for all these years. Why I always felt the need to be touched like this — to be connected to a person like this.

And being connected to the golden boy … Heck, I already know I'll never get enough of it. Now, I don't have to. We can do this as often as we like.

An indescribable relief flows through me. I’ve arrived.

I lower myself a little more confidently onto Daniel’s cock, and it hits my prostate for the first time. Little fireworks explode throughout my body, growing bigger and bigger each time I rise and sink.

"Nico!" Daniel's cry is so ragged with lust, I know he’ll come in a moment!

I slide onto his magnificent cock a little quicker and hit my p-spot again. Pleasure as intense as I’ve ever experienced makes every single cell in my body sing. And then we both come. I cling to Daniel as he pours into the condom and I cover our bellies in jizz.

Daniel hasn’t had enough, though. Slowly at first, then faster and faster, he begins to thrust his hips upward, hitting my already overstimulated prostate again and again. My cock twitches joyfully, and my whole body trembles. It's too much and yet incredibly good.

I squirt again, but even then Daniel doesn’t stop. He pushes further into me, and a sound I’ve never made before fills the room. It’s a mixture of a moan and a sob. I’m completely overstimulated, but I still don’t want him to stop.

"Next time I'll take a dildo and keep fucking you with it when I'm done," he growls menacingly into my ear.

It's a promise more exciting than anything I could ever imagine. I press my lips to Daniel's. The kiss is sloppy, because our focus is lower down, but I need this closeness, this extra connection.

For what feels like forever, Daniel continues to fuck me. Just before I think I’m going insane, he suddenly stops. I sigh — half in relief, half in disappointment — but Daniel is obviously not finished with me yet. Now his tongue conquers my mouth. His kiss is demanding. His tongue is fucking me. His cock is still in my ass. I gasp and moan. When our mouths part briefly because we both need air, I rest my forehead against Daniel’s.

"Thank you!" I whisper.

I'm not sure what I'm thanking him for. For being my first? For the last few weeks? For standing up to my father? For his love? All of the above, probably.

I’ve never been so happy in my life.