Breaking Through the Past (Espen Jetties #3)

9. Jansen

9

JANSEN

I put my phone down and laced up my skates with a big smile on my face. Stephen made the next move. I hoped he would. And he did. Score for McKenna.

I wasn’t a stupid guy but didn’t think I’d ever watched a documentary. It wasn’t my go-to when I was watching TV. Not that I had a lot of spare time, most of the year, when hockey was my life. I texted my brother earlier in hopes of getting some advice. Instead, I got a video call with Gareth. Wide eyes, hair a mess. He was freaking out more than I was. He couldn’t believe I was dating Stephen. I had to remind him again and again that there was nothing going on between us. Just me and my wild imagination of what could be.

Then Gareth reminded me I had feelings for Stephen. Yeah, yeah, he was telling the truth, I thought anyway. I had these emotions rolling inside me and only Knox and my brother to talk to about them. The guys on the team would understand if I opened my mouth. They had their own shit going on though. Training. Personal lives. Shit, Knox and Gareth did as well. I hated bothering them with this. Knox was training too. Gareth was busy back home. Once I asked Gareth for help, I couldn’t get him to stop.

Not only did he help me narrow down outfit choices, which he said I was being crazy about. It was a documentary being viewed on Stephen’s couch not fine dining at a fancy restaurant. Gareth also gave me a stern—I used that term loosely since he was my younger brother—lecture about how just because I was feeling some things didn’t mean Stephen was too. And since I’d let him lead the way with this evening together, I should do the same going forward with everything.

Could I? What if Stephen felt something for me and had no idea I wanted him too? What if I never made a move and was left to wonder what could have been?

Of course, Gareth talked me off the ledge. We couldn’t both freak out. He became the voice of reason, calmed me, and then I got excited about tonight again.

I wasn’t like this before. I was always the confident guy. The one who knew what he wanted. And yet, I had more questions than answers. One thing remained the same. I was spending tonight with Stephen.

“What are you grinning at?” Hayes asked as he playfully bumped his shoulder against mine. We were sitting on the bench with a smooth ice rink in front of us. The lights gleamed off it. The smell infiltrated my lungs. It felt a lot like home. Not quite, since my family held that honor, but close.

The rink by Devon’s house was pretty nice. Well-kept and we had it all to ourselves this afternoon.

“Nothing,” I replied. “Just happy to be here.” It wasn’t a complete lie. I loved hanging out with these guys. They were my friends and teammates, men I celebrated the Stanley Cup win with.

“I’m not buying it.”

“Can’t I smile? I’m a pretty happy guy.”

“You are. If you ever need someone though, I’m here. Good or bad. Hockey or not. Our relationship doesn’t revolve around our careers.”

I gasped. “It doesn’t? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have been texting you all hours of the night with every one of my minuscule issues.”

Hayes laughed. His eyes crinkled. Happiness looked good on him.

I glanced up and saw King watching Hayes with an expression I couldn’t decipher. Maybe a little like love? No, that couldn’t be right. Right? He saw me looking and gave me that easygoing smile of his. I returned it.

“In all seriousness,” I replied to Hayes, “I might take you up on that one day.” Hayes was a solid friend. Not as much of a jokester as King. I liked that about them, the differences.

Hayes finished lacing up his skates and slapped me gently on the shoulder. “Any time. I’m here for you. We all are.”

“I appreciate it.” I grinned again.

King skated out onto the ice, followed by Devon. Hayes went out there next. I took a little longer, lost in my head about Stephen. That damn smile on my face didn’t falter. Because I knew I’d be comfortable with him tonight. I could be myself, and he could be his. We were going to watch a documentary, which wasn’t my thing, but Stephen was. I could sit on his couch and watch paint dry for all I cared. If the two of us were spending time together, that was what mattered.

Maybe I could sneak a few looks at him to see if my attraction solely rested in my imagination, thanks to my relentless dreams, or if it was tangible, a real life crush.

I shook my head. I shouldn’t be crushing on anyone. I wasn’t in high school. I was supposed to be more mature than that. Fuck it, who was I kidding? I was mature when I needed to be and other times not at all.

Skates came into my view. I still had my head down, laces in hand.

“Did you forget how to do that?” Noah. He smiled down at me when I looked up. Blond hair, blue eyes, a little bit of an accent. If my dick was taking notice of any man, it should have been him. He was the complete package. Women lusted after him like crazy. The man was happily married to an amazing woman. And my dick didn’t give a shit how attractive he was.

“Earth to Jansen.’’

“Sorry.” I cleared my throat. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

“Put it to the side. We’re going to spend some quality time together.”

I chuckled. “Quality time?”

“You know what I mean, asshole. We don’t do this often. It’s good for all of us. Skate time when we’re not training. Just to have fun.”

“Who are you kidding? This counts as training. Jagger might not be here but I’m calling it that, so he’ll go easy on me tomorrow.”

“That man is never gentle with you.”

“You’re right. I’m sore from this morning.”

Noah’s brow furrowed. “Did you stretch before coming here?”

“Is this my first time playing? Of course, I did.”

“Just checking.”

We both skated onto the ice. We were uneven on my side. It was me and King while Hayes, Devon, and Noah were on the other.

“Don’t sweat it,” King said. “We’re far superior.”

“What was that?” Hayes asked from the other side of the center line.

“Nothing, sweetness!” King responded.

Hayes narrowed his eyes while the rest of us laughed. King was an affectionate guy. Always hugging us, teasing us. Too bad he was slow this afternoon. Devon skated right past him and scored before either of us could blink.

“What the fuck?” I yelled.

“Way to play defense, Kenna,” King chirped.

“Excuse me? You’re supposed to be on their asses, not mine.”

Devon skated by again. “King couldn’t handle my ass.”

I couldn’t help it. I busted out laughing. Devon wasn’t usually quick to throw a comeback like King or I were but when he did, they were great.

We kept playing, Devon switching sides every once and a while to keep it fair. He was the Jetties’ star center. One of the best in the league. It was only fitting he shared those skills equally during our game.

King and Hayes both scored. I focused more on what I needed to work on, things Jagger was helping me with. I had fun too. When I got time to really watch the others, I wasn’t the only one fitting in some training.

Fuck, I loved hockey. Everything about the game made me happy. Even though it was only a handful of us today, it didn’t take away from our joy or how hard we worked to get to where we were. Each of us had hockey pulsing through our veins, beating through our hearts, running through our limbs until we were powerful players who wanted nothing more than to get another run at the Cup.

When we were done, we were sweating our asses off. I literally had it down my crack. The poor bar of soap I used in the shower got a workout. So what if I scrubbed just a little more than normal? I had a man to see tonight. It wasn’t a date. We were just two friends hanging out. That didn’t mean I wanted to show up smelling like a fucking locker room with my hair plastered to my forehead.

My muscles ached in the best way. I didn’t get to see the other guys on the team a lot during the offseason. Sure, we got together when we could, but we didn’t actively hang out like King and Hayes did. Then again, they lived with each other so that couldn’t be helped. I had a feeling they could live and breathe each other and wouldn’t care.

Not for the first time I wondered if there was anything going on between them. They both seemed to look at each other and smile more than normal today. Like they had a secret the rest of us weren’t privy to. Hayes was straight though.

Yet so was I.

And I was beyond excited about hanging out with a guy tonight. Someone I jacked off to on the regular the past few days. One time doing it and all bets were off. Stephen had free rein in my head. It was like once I gave myself permission to think about him, no one else would do.

God, what would he say if he knew I liked to fuck my fist while those gorgeous eyes of his peered up at me in bed? Or when I got to drag my palms over his skin? There were so many things I’d never experienced. I mean, I did with women, but I had a feeling everything with Stephen would be different and not just in the whole anatomy way.

By the time I got home, showered, and lay down on the couch, I gave my body a chance to rest. Too bad my heart didn’t get the memo. It kept racing in my chest from nerves. Fuck, what had I turned into? This wasn’t me.

With an internal shake, I tried to relax. It didn’t matter what Stephen and I did tonight. Hopefully, I got to learn more about him. There must have been a lot of things I didn’t know.

I had to figure out what I was feeling. That was all me. I was attracted to Stephen. A man. A nerdy, sweet man I wanted to cuddle and hear all about. Could it be more than that? He was a friend, someone I enjoyed talking to. Could the two be combined into a relationship?

I draped my arm over my face. I was getting way ahead of myself. Relationship. I scoffed.

One foot in front of the other, McKenna. Stop trying to race toward the goal.

That seemed to be my mantra lately. My imagination was ten steps ahead of my reality.

When I was playing, there was only one goal: to win. This wasn’t hockey though. This was something I had no footing in, no experience. My confidence was nonexistent. And that unnerved me to no end.