27. Jansen
27
JANSEN
The couch cushion had to be putting a mark on my face. I didn’t care. Not about it, about the way I looked, or about much of anything. It was my fault. I was the one who walked away from Stephen. How could I stay, knowing I was the reason the relationship he had with his daughter was worse because of me?
I didn’t regret being with Stephen, not for a second. But I did feel an immense amount of guilt because of Serilda. We could have handled it better. I could have. I could have reached out to her and explained things. She might not have wanted to talk to me, but it would have been worth a try. Maybe we could have avoided the whole ugly situation yesterday.
Serilda wouldn’t have listened to me after I got the initial sentences out. Once she heard I was dating her father, in love with him, she would have flown off the handle. At least she would have been far away and not screaming in the same room. Then when the media frenzy hit, she wouldn’t have been taken off guard.
I had no love for her. She was the one who left me. What a fucking blessing that was. Though now I felt like the lowest of the low, miserable without Stephen. God, he must hate me. Not only did I make shit worse with his family, but I left. I walked away from the man I loved beyond reason.
A knock on my door had me lifting my head but not getting up. “What?” I yelled.
“Let me in, Jansen.”
I groaned. How did Devon find out? Then it occurred to me—Gareth. He must have called the guys when I wouldn’t answer the phone earlier. My brother worried about me. Since he couldn’t be here to check on me himself, he’d call in reinforcements. He had Devon’s number as well as King’s.
Getting up from the couch, I looked down to make sure I at least had clothes on. I honestly couldn’t remember. Shorts and a shirt, both wrinkled. My dick was covered, so that was good. I opened the door to find Devon on the other side. His eyes held so much emotion, like he knew exactly what I was going through. He did because things weren’t always easy between him and Lincoln.
“Come here,” he said and pulled me in for a hug.
I fell forward more than moved. Devon easily caught me and held me up while tears I didn’t think I had left fell down my cheeks as soft sobs racked my body.
“Let’s get you to the couch.” He moved inside with me against him and pushed the door shut. Devon helped me to the couch and sat down, bringing me with him so I could lean against him. “Gareth called me. He didn’t give me the details; just said I should come over. He also called King, but he’s out on the boat.” I had no idea what time it was. The sun was still out so at least it wasn’t night yet. “What happened?”
“I fucked up,” I mumbled. “I should have told Serilda about her dad and me, but I selfishly kept him to myself until we went public. Now she knows and she’s back to raise hell. She showed up at Stephen’s house yesterday and tore into us. She was so pissed. The look on Stephen’s face when she was yelling… I hated seeing him upset.”
“She probably would have behaved the same if you told her before.”
“Yeah, but at least when the news broke it wouldn’t have been a big surprise. Or I could have walked away before my heart was fully in it. Now, fuck, I feel like there’s a knife in my chest.”
“I know and I hate that for you. Are you sure leaving him was the right move? You could have given him space to talk to Serilda without ending things?”
“And then what?” I asked. “He’s going to choose me over her?” I scoffed. “There’s no way she’s going to accept us and be calm about the whole thing. She doesn’t care about me in the slightest. As for Stephen, I’m not sure how much love she has for him either. He’s her dad, but they aren’t close. That’s all the more reason I had to leave. This could be the final straw in their relationship. I don’t want to be the reason they don’t speak anymore. That’s his daughter and I’m…” Fuck, I didn’t even know. Stephen loved me, yes, but we weren’t married. We didn’t live together. He could find someone else his family would approve of. He couldn’t find another daughter.
“You’re the man he loves,” Devon filled in. “Don’t discount what you mean to each other. It’s clear to anyone who sees you two together how much you love one another. Shit, Jansen, what the fuck are you even doing on the couch like this? Have you tried calling him to find out what happened between them?”
“No. I’m disposable. Serilda’s not.”
He gently pushed me until I sat up, no longer leaning on him. “If he would have pushed you away, I’d be all for you being like this, but this was your own doing. You’re the one who walked away, not him. Have you thought about how he feels? What he’s going through now that you’ve left him in a time when he probably needs you most?”
“Oh my god.” I put my head in my hands as tears welled in my eyes again. “But I did the right thing. I left so they could repair what they had.”
“Is that what Stephen wants? Did you ask him, or did you leave without letting him talk to her and you first?”
What did I do? Should I have stayed and let Stephen decide whether he wanted me to go? I took the matter into my own hands when it was between them, and I left. Yes, I thought I was doing it for the right reason, but now Devon was spouting all kinds of logical shit.
“Serilda is for Stephen to handle, not you,” he said. “If he wanted her to know about you two beforehand, he could have reached out to her. This isn’t all on you, Jansen. I get you thought you were doing the right thing, but for who? You, or everyone? Don’t forget, Serilda’s an adult. She didn’t need to behave the way she was.”
“Like the spoiled woman she’s always been,” I muttered and lifted my head to wipe away the tears.
“You know her better than I do. From what you’ve told me, she’s selfish. You weren’t there enough for her, so she left you. Now she’s making the relationship you have with her father about her. Yes, I agree she has a right to be upset, but showing up unannounced and yelling at you both didn’t need to happen.”
“I should have seen it coming.”
“Hindsight.”
“I could have stayed yesterday and not bailed.”
“Mmhmm.”
“I fucked up even more, didn’t I?”
“You love him. Fight for him. Don’t let him go so easily. God, Jansen, where do you think Linc and I’d be if we gave up on each other? When you love someone, you don’t let them go without a fight.”
I turned to face Devon, knowing I looked as awful as I felt. “I can’t go over there now. She could still be there. He could hate me.” I’d really screwed up and didn’t know how to begin to fix it.
“Give him time. Give it to both of you. He’s upset, probably with you. I’m sure he’s with her. Let them figure shit out.”
“You’re right. That’s smart.” How much time though? I didn’t want to ask Devon. I’d poured enough of my heart out and cried on him. Everything only happened yesterday. Stephen had tried calling me afterward, but I couldn’t answer. I was so in my head and didn’t want to make things worse. Jesus, I was a mess. Devon had a life, a man he loved, but he was also an amazing friend to check in on me.
“You’ll know when the time’s right. Just speak from the heart when you see him next. Tell him how you feel about him and what he means to you.”
“And apologize.”
He gave me a soft smile. “That too. He’ll forgive you once you explain.”
“I hope so.” If he didn’t, I… Well, I didn’t know what the fuck I would do. I didn’t want to lose him, but that ship might have already sailed.
I dropped my head back and groaned. God, how was I so fucking good on the ice and such a disaster of a human off it? All because of love. If I hadn’t fallen in love with Stephen, I wouldn’t be sitting here like this. I also wouldn’t know what it was like to be loved by him. To have him touch me and care about me. To make me feel like I was the luckiest man alive, just to have him in my life.
And I threw it away yesterday. Sure, I thought I was doing the right thing, but hindsight like Devon said. I had to hope Stephen forgave me. That he could see I was trying to do the right thing for them. Not for me. The right thing for me would have been to shove her ass out the door after telling her to fuck right off with her bullshit. But it wasn’t bullshit. She had a right to be angry, just not to behave the way she had.
“You’re good for each other,” Devon said. “You fit so well. I’ve never seen you this happy. Gareth either. He said that when he called. How he wished he was here so he could help you through this because you deserve this kind of love. This big, all-encompassing feeling that not everyone experiences. You do, Jansen. You deserve Stephen and much more.”
“We went to look at houses together.”
“You did?” His smile grew. “That’s great.”
“Yeah. We didn’t find any we loved but there were some possibilities.”
“You’ll find the right one.”
“If he takes me back.”
“He will.” I wished I had Devon’s certainty. Instead, I let his words sink in and keep me from going under again.
Devon’s phone rang. He dug it out of his pocket and looked at the screen then showed it to me. Knox was calling him.
“How many people know about me?”
“Me, Linc, King, Hayes, and Jamie.”
“Of course. King would have told them.”
“Leslie and Noah.”
“Gareth doesn’t have their numbers though.”
“King does, and he hated you weren’t doing well so he decided to rally everyone around you since he’s out on the ocean and couldn’t get here fast enough. Expect Noah to be here in a bit.”
I smiled for the first time since yesterday morning. My teammates were amazing. King had a heart of fucking gold. “I’m surprised he didn’t call Kasper.”
“I’m sure he wanted to, but Hayes probably talked him out of it. You know Kas would have shown up at your door, ready to help.” He would have. That was Kasper. We weren’t just a way for him to earn more money. He genuinely cared about everyone in his organization.
“Too bad he can’t fix this.”
“No, but he’s not the one who needs to. Only you can make it right.”
“Yeah.” I would. I’d get down on my fucking knees if I had to and beg for Stephen’s forgiveness. I’d do whatever it took to have him back in my arms.