Breaking Through the Past (Espen Jetties #3)

28. Stephen

28

STEPHEN

One week.

One week of sleepless nights.

One week of working myself into the ground to keep from coming home to my empty house and bed.

In that week, I hadn’t heard from anyone beside Shannon and the people I worked with. No word from Jansen or Serilda. I held out hope Jansen would come back or simply return my call.

Nothing.

I didn’t know what to do with myself. After spending time drowning in my sorrows, I went to work on Monday and kept busy every moment of the day, never stopping or giving my mind a chance to catch up. A chance to think or remember the fallout of Serilda showing up. I kept pushing until I could come home and pass out from sheer exhaustion.

Now that the weekend arrived, I didn’t have anything to keep me occupied. I tried reading but couldn’t find something that would grab my attention. I even tried watching a documentary I’d been waiting for. Thirty minutes in and I realized I hadn’t paid attention and had no idea what they were talking about.

I shut off the TV and dropped my head back on the couch. I couldn’t spend all day torturing myself. The only place I didn’t feel so completely and utterly broken was in my office at the university. If it took going in on a Saturday to keep me from swimming in regret and sadness, then that was what I was going to do.

With effort, I forced my butt off the couch to change into something more presentable for being on campus.

Dressed in a pair of jeans and a polo, I left the house, and a little bit of the weight that made it hard to breathe lifted from my chest. I didn’t think I’d ever be free of the pain of losing Jansen, but being outside of my house, hell of any place we spent time together, made it a little easier to breathe.

The drive to campus was quiet. Not many people out and moving around this time of the morning on a Saturday.

I pulled into my parking space; the rest of the lot practically empty except for a handful of cars scattered throughout. My favorite coffee cart wouldn’t be open on the weekend. It was a blessing I kept a coffee machine in my office for these types of occasions.

The first thing I did after I shut my office door was to make a cup of coffee. With the steaming mug in hand, I took a seat behind my desk and opened my laptop. It was early enough in the semester that I had plenty to keep me busy. I settled in and opened the first document that needed my attention.

My office door flew open, and I practically jumped out of my chair. Shannon stood there with her arms crossed. “How did I know I’d find you here?”

I moved my laptop to the side. “It’s not like I have anything else to do.”

“You have plenty you can do, like go talk to the man who holds your heart.”

I reached up and closed the laptop. “I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He hasn’t returned my calls. I think he’s too afraid to come between me and Serilda.”

Shannon sat down across from me. “Stephen, I haven’t said this yet for fear of hurting you. I think you being apart from Jansen is hurting you more.”

“What haven’t you said?”

“Be honest with yourself. I know Serilda is your daughter, but is there really any relationship between the two of you that Jansen and you being together could actually harm?”

“I can’t lose him, and I can’t give up on her either.”

“I know you don’t want to give up on her. Just think about the way she treats you. How much you’ve missed out on because you want to improve your relationship with her. If you keep making decisions based on what will make her happy, you’re going to be miserable. Life is going to pass you by.”

Shannon’s words made me think about the times, the years of frustration, and the things I gave up on, hoping I could get Serilda back, only to have nothing change. I’d spent years and years trying and nothing made a difference. The first time I was truly happy was in Jansen’s arms. He made me feel whole and loved.

I looked up at Shannon, whose image blurred before my eyes. “What do I do?”

“You tell Serilda Jansen is here to stay. Lay it out for her and let her decide.”

“Then?”

“Then you stop trying to call Jansen and go see him. Tell him, Serilda may be your daughter but you won’t let her come between the two of you.”

I started to shake my head. “I can’t…”

Shannon came around the desk and took my hands, pulling me up to stand. “Yes, you can.” Her gaze locked on to mine, giving me the courage to do what I needed to.

“And if it doesn’t work?”

“If it doesn’t work, you call me, and we’ll get drunk.”

That made me chuckle since her suggestion was so far from what we normally would do. I grabbed my keys and left to hunt down Serilda at her hotel before I lost my nerve.

The concierge directed me to the correct elevator. I stepped inside and pressed the button for Serilda’s floor. It was long past time for this conversation to happen. For years, I let Serilda push me aside. To treat me as if I was less than her mother. She couldn’t have it both ways. Either I mattered to her, or I didn’t.

The door whipped open before I even had the chance to knock. Serilda stood there, her hair pulled off her face, dark circles under her eyes.

“You expect me to let you in after you threw me out of your house to run after your little side piece?”

“That’s enough, Serilda.”

She pushed the door forward, trying to shut me out once again. I threw my hand up to stop it from closing.

“You have two choices. One, you either invite me in and we have this discussion behind closed doors, or two, you shut that door in my face, and I still say everything I came to say through the door for anyone to hear.”

Her eyes narrowed. For the briefest of moments, I wondered if she would actually shut the door. Hopefully, she realized I would not back down this time. She was used to the father who let her behave however she wanted without repercussions, simply so she wouldn’t push me further away.

Not anymore.

That ship had sailed. She would listen to what I came to say. After that, what happened to our relationship was up to her. I would no longer allow her spoiled temper tantrums to control my life.

She whirled on her heel and stormed down the small hall, leaving the door open. Probably as close to her inviting me in as I was going to get. What I didn’t expect to find on the other side was Gisela sitting on one of the couches with her legs crossed and a cup of tea in her hands

“Stephen, what are you doing here?” Gisela exclaimed when I stepped into the room.

I didn’t know how having her mother here would make her react to what I wanted to say, but it wouldn’t change it. Maybe it was time they understood how both of their behaviors over the years had impacted me and everyone around them.

“I’m here to—”

“He threatened to embarrass me in the hallway if I didn’t let him in!” Serilda yelled, cutting me off before I could finish my sentence.

Gisela stood. “How dare you speak to our daughter—”

“Enough!” I bellowed into the room, loud enough to stop them both in their tracks. “I came to talk and for you to listen.” I moved my gaze to Gisela. “Since you’re here, I think it’s something both of you need to hear.”

Gisela had the grace to sit down, while Serilda crossed her arms over her chest like a petulant child. One I was tired of indulging. “Then talk so I can go back to enjoying my day.”

“Trust me, this is not going to improve your day by any stretch of the imagination. Now sit down.”

She at least had the grace to listen this time, even if she did it with a snarl curling her lip. “I should throw you out of my room.”

“You will do nothing of the sort. You’re lucky that throwing you out of my house last week was the only thing I did when it came to the way you treated me and Jansen.”

“He’s worthless.”

“No,” I snapped. “What’s worthless is your attitude. I never imagined a world where I would have raised such a self-entitled brat.”

Serilda’s mouth dropped open at the same time Gisela began to chastise me from behind. I ignored every word she said and continued directing all my pent-up anger and hurt to Serilda.

“You don’t get to be shocked,” I continued. “You treat people like garbage. As if they’re beneath you and not worth the dust on the soles of your shoes. I won’t stand for it any longer.”

“You don’t get to lecture me,” she argued.

“Yes, I most certainly do, because it seems your mother has allowed you to behave this way and since you didn’t live with me—”

“I didn’t live with you because you made Mom miserable. She hated living with you, and it made me want to get away from you as soon as I could. You didn’t care about me or her. The only thing that mattered to you was your job.”

I heard Gisela’s intake of breath behind me. “Is that what you think?”

“America is what made your mother unhappy,” I said.

“I watched how unhappy you were. He”—Serilda pointed at me—“forced us to stay here. He forced you to move here, even though you wanted to stay in Germany.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gisela shake her head. “No. I moved to America because I wanted to be with your father, I didn’t realize how much I would miss home. It had nothing to do with him. Your father did everything in his power to take care of us.”

Serilda scoffed, “Yeah, he’s great at taking care of our sloppy seconds.”

I took a step toward her. “That’s enough. I did not come here to defend myself to you. Nor will I do so after all these years. I came here to tell you how the future will play out from now on.”

She crossed her arms over her chest again. “And that’s supposed to mean what to me?”

“Maybe nothing, but I will no longer be your punching bag. You’re right, I should have told you about Jansen. He’s a good man. A man I love and one you will not treat like a piece of garbage.”

She couldn’t keep her ass seated any longer and jumped up. “He didn’t have any time for me.” She stomped her foot on the ground.

“You think if a man doesn’t spend twenty hours a day paying attention to you that he doesn’t have time for you. And even when they do, you toss them to the side like they’re worthless objects. No more.” I fisted my hands at my sides, trying to control the anger coursing through my body.

“I love that man,” I continued. “A man who was just another conquest to you. Well, he means more to me than anyone else. Even you. Because Jansen loves me too. You have never even bothered to treat me with an ounce of respect. If I had to guess, it’s not my relationship with Jansen that caused problems with your career, but your reputation catching up to you.”

Serilda’s eyes were wild. Not used to being confronted about her behavior, she didn’t know how to deal with criticism.

“So, this is how things are going to go from now on. I will no longer take the blame for your mother’s unhappiness, nor will I let you interfere with mine. If you want a relationship with me, you will treat me with the same respect I’ve shown you throughout your life. You will also realize Jansen and I come as a package. If that’s something you can accept, you know where to find me.”

I spun on my heel and stormed back down the hall, slamming the door behind me. When I stepped into the elevator, I leaned back against the wall. My heart raced in my chest. I’d never spoken to my daughter like that. But Shannon was right, I couldn’t continue to live my life trying to make Serilda love and care more about me. My life was passing before my eyes while I tried to appease her. I needed to do something for me. I needed Jansen.

I lifted my hand but dropped it almost immediately. Was this really the best idea? I might be setting myself up for more heartache, and I didn’t know how much I could handle. I almost turned around to leave when I reminded myself, I wouldn’t be able to have any peace if I didn’t find out for sure. I’d always question whether we could have salvaged what we had together. I couldn’t leave with the question hanging over my head.

Once again, I lifted my hand. This time, I rapped my knuckles on the solid wood. Butterflies took flight in my stomach while I waited to see if Jansen would answer the door. When I heard footsteps approaching, I braced myself for his reaction when he saw me on the other side.

The door opened.

“Stephen?”