28. Jenson
Jenson
T he kitchen is full of anger.
River pushes in front of me. “You’re seriously going to let her leave like this?”
Anger still has my throat in a chokehold. But it’s not just anger. There’s something else – something cloying, and heavy. It feels like shame. “This was never going to last. Temporary. Perhaps it’s for the best—,”
The shove to my chest takes me by surprise, and I stagger back.
“ Bullshit .” River roars the word. “For years, I have stood by and watched you self-destruct, Jenson. You can blame your father and Katherine all you fucking want – and if I could go back, I’d do anything to change it – but this is a chance to get it right. She is your chance, and you’re the one who’s going to blow it. Hell, maybe you just did.”
“We barely even know her.” The coldness comes so easily. Blissfully numbing. “And she lied.”
“She gave us her fucking virginity,” River snaps. “Not a contagious disease. She’s up there alone and upset. And you’re acting like she’s—,”
He doesn’t say it. Like she’s Katherine.
Except I’m the one who feels like Katherine right now. The thought makes my palms sweat.
To my surprise, Kai pushes River out the way, his hands moving furiously. She was scared to tell us. And you just proved her right.
“You don’t know,” I snap at him. “I asked her. To her face, Kai. You think I’d react like this otherwise?”
And you told her this wouldn’t happen. That the arrangement wouldn’t happen.
“Yes.”
I don’t understand why they’re not angry too.
She gave us something she can’t take back. Gave me something, since I was the first to push inside her. And even the thought makes me feel physically sick. The way I thrust inside, not caring, not checking—
The nausea surges, and my jaw tightens as I fight to keep it back. Not to run to the sink and purge my stomach. “She’ll be fine. She’ll go back to her pampered life, and she’ll be fine.”
River stares at me. “And you’d be fine with that? Never seeing her again?”
I don’t answer.
I have to go. But you don’t know anything about her life.
“And you do?” I find the words again. “What exactly do you know?”
I know she’s scared of something. She wanted to feel safe. To make her own choice. She’s never had a choice either. But she chose us. And you just ruined it for her.
River and I both stare. He recovers first. “What the fuck do you mean, she’s not safe ?”
Kai looks frustrated. Not like that. I don’t know everything. But something isn’t right. She doesn’t feel safe.
“But she wanted to go.” My chest feels heavy. “Take her home, Kai. She wants to go home.”
We have always had a different dynamic, Kai and I. More like siblings than friends, a consequence of our childhoods. Kai has always felt like my younger brother. But the disappointment in his eyes makes me feel like a child.
He signs once more before he disappears. She wanted to stay. But you didn’t ask her to.
“You are my best friend,” River says heavily. “But your demons are drowning you, Jenson. They’re drowning all of us. And you can’t even see the life jacket in front of you.”
He stops in front of me. And his words… they’re on the verge of begging. “You’re so desperate not to be him . Be careful, Jens. Because this icy shield of yours that you put on? This refusal to care about anyone, to care if you hurt someone? That’s all her . If you’re not careful, that shield is going to become real and none of us will be on your side of it.”
The door slams shut behind him.
Within seconds, I’m emptying the contents of my stomach into the sink. When I turn, wiping my hand over my mouth, I pause.
Kai picks up his keys, shoving them into his pocket. You fixed me, you know. When you found me. Even when I didn’t want you to.
His throat bobs.
But I can’t fix you. And it’s killing me.
He’s gone before I can summon up the words to respond.