Broken & Torn (Emerald Falls #1)

39. 39

39

PARKER

I sit in the hospital waiting room. A cup of coffee had been placed in my hands at some point and has now gone cold. Time passes agonizingly slow, minutes ticking by at a glacial pace. I can hardly register the chaos going on around me in the ICU, barely recognize the voices of my loved ones around me.

Peyton had made the calls for me. I couldn’t stomach saying the words out loud. My dad is here, along with Cassie, Cara, and Theo. They had rushed to my side without a second thought and have been lingering in the waiting room for hours with me.

Kathryn was the one phone call I insisted making myself. Her panicked voice penetrates my thoughts once again and guilt claws at me. I don’t know how I’ll face Lyla’s mom, knowing that this is my fault. I told her I would take care of her and it feels like that promise is now in shambles, laying at my feet along with Lyla’s blood.

I blink, attempting to rid myself of the images that are now burned in my brain forever. I run my hands through my hair angrily, and a sigh slips past my lips. We got here four hours ago, and I still haven’t heard from the doctor. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, and the waiting is torturous .

Intrusive thoughts race through me. They haven’t left really, they just get louder and take up more space.

Maybe if I had been more patient.

Maybe if I had checked on her sooner.

Maybe if I had pushed harder.

Maybe if I had done something different, this wouldn’t have happened.

Chaos erupts as Kathryn bursts through the doors, Gloria hot on her trail. I brace myself for the anger, the disappointment, the betrayal.

But the moment her eyes find mine, they fill with tears and she launches herself into my arms.

“Oh, Parker,” she sobs into my shoulder.

“Kathy.” My voice wavers. “I’m so sorry. I should have gotten to her sooner.”

She tenses up in my arms and looks up at me, eyes filled with confusion.

“Parker, you did nothing wrong.”

I begin to protest, but she raises an authoritative hand to stop me.

“You are not the reason this happened. It would have happened with or without you,” she sighs as she reaches out to hold my hands. I place them in hers and let out a breath I had been holding.

“Have you heard anything?” Her hopeful eyes search mine.

I shake my head and squeeze her hands. “No, they haven’t come to give an updates yet.”

She tentatively sits beside me, looking around at the collection of people that have come here for her daughter.

“She finally found her place,” Kathy whispers. “She finally found a family.”

I glance over to the woman who had raised Lyla, seeing a sadness that runs deep. I know she feels so much responsibility for how Lyla was brought up and seeing her thrive must have brought equal parts happiness and sadness.

“I might never have a chance to tell her how much she did for me.” She chokes on a sob, hand coming to cover her mouth as tears fall down her cheeks.

I soothe a hand down her back and allow her space to process.

“I started going to therapy,” she says after a long moment. “I started going in October. Seeing Lyla live her life for the first time in so long gave me hope. She made me believe that I could heal, that I could have more in this life than what I had allowed for myself. I punished myself for so long, thinking that was the cost of everything that had happened to my daughter. But then I realized that I was hurting her more by not living my life.

“And then Gloria and I—well, after five years of friendship and so many late nights filled with card games and wine, I fell for her.”

She turns to me and gives me a soft smile.

“I wanted to tell her when she came to see me in the hospital, but it was still so new and the circumstances seemed less than ideal to announce that I was dating a woman. And now…”

She doesn’t need to finish the sentence.

Now, she might never be able to share this with Lyla.

My heart hurts for her, finally finding her happiness and healing from the traumas of her marriage, only to potentially lose her daughter.

“Ms. Thomas?”

Everyone shoots out of their seats, gathering around the doctor with a baited breath.

“She was in rough shape when she arrived, but we were able to stabilize her for now. She’ll need another blood transfusion and we’ve stitched up the wounds. We’re hopeful that her condition will continue to improve, but she’ll need to stay here while she heals. Given her history of attempting suicide, she’ll be transferred to the psych unit for inpatient treatment.”

History of attempting suicide.

The words register, yet I stand there in disbelief, unable to say a word.

“Thank you, doctor,” Kathryn sobs as Gloria holds her. “When can we see her?”

“Probably not until tomorrow or the following day. It depends how she recovers. She lost a lot of blood and her heartbeat was weak when she arrived. We’ll give you a call as soon as you’re able to see her.”

I stand in a daze as everyone hugs one another. I’m passed around the room, receiving embraces I feel undeserving of. Everyone says their goodbyes, leaving Kathy, Gloria and I standing in the waiting room.

“Parker?” I feel a gentle touch on my shoulder and turn to meet their concerned faces.

“She didn’t tell you, did she?”

I shake my head, feeling like a bomb has been dropped on me.

I know Lyla had a tough life, but I hadn’t expected that. The woman who lights up my whole world is flooded with darkness, and I’m not sure how I had missed the signs.

“Oh, hun,” Kathy says sympathetically. “She hasn’t told anyone except for doctors, therapists, and me. It’s something she’s kept close to her chest, out of fear that people wouldn’t understand.”

“I just… I don’t understand any of this.”

She chews her lip, contemplating, before saying, “I wish I could help, but it’s her story to tell. And I think it’s time that you hear it.”

My body feels heavy as I rush out of the hospital waiting room, every step excruciatingly difficult as I move away from where my girl is. The farther I get, the more my chest clenches. Despite my body rebelling my retreat, I need air.

The second I make it outside, I realize how fucking cold it is. The frosty air bites at my cheeks and the tears streaming down my face aren’t helping. I tremble as I stand there, frozen and rooted in place as I let my brain catch up.

History of attempting suicide.

The love of my life has tried to take her own life, twice. And I had no idea .

The guilt I was feeling earlier becomes ten-fold, eating me from the inside out. My rib cage is barely expanding as my breaths come out short and fast, sadness crushing me as I try to piece together this revelation.

A hand lands on my shoulder, pulling me out of my spiral as I meet the gaze of my best friend.

“Figured you might need this,” he says as he hands me my winter coat.

I shove my hands through the sleeves and aggressively zip it up, burying my face into my body as I attempt to warm up.

There’s been an ache in my chest since the day she started fading. A pain so deep, it’s causing my heart to crumble as the interwoven roots of doubt wrap themselves around my heart, tightening their grip.

Why am I never enough?

“I can see that you’re spiraling, and rightfully so. But I can promise that whatever you’re thinking isn’t true,” Theo says confidently.

I stare at my trembling hands, the vision of Lyla’s blood covering my fingers is worming it’s way into my brain.

“I wasn’t enough. I didn’t do enough to help her. Theo, I should have—”

“Stop.”

Theo’s authoritative tone stops me in my tracks.

“Parker, you can’t obsess over what you could have, should have, would have done. You did your best with the information you had, and you held space for her. You don’t have a time machine, and nothing can change what happened. All you can do now is let her know that this doesn’t change anything.”

I let out a breath, the hot air puffing visibly in front of me as it meets the frigid temperatures.

“Look,” Theo continues. “You’ve always been enough for Lyla, and I’m sure she would tell you that even now. What matters more is that Lyla is enough for herself.”

I quirk a confused brow .

“Depression is all-consuming, man. Even with all the support in the world, it can be absolutely crushing. The weight of everything feels impossible to bare for another second and makes you desperate for a way out.”

He pauses, eyes glazing over, as if remembering those first years out of the military when things got so dark, I never thought I’d see my best friend smile or laugh again.

“You have to fit that off for yourself, and nobody else. You have to believe that you’re worth fighting for. Lyla didn’t do this because you aren’t good enough. She did it because she probably believes she isn’t good enough.”

I mull over his words, wondering if Lyla truly doesn’t love herself. She has so many beautiful pieces to her puzzle, and I can’t imagine how she thinks she has nothing to offer someone. To offer me.

But I would spend the rest of my life making sure she knows that she has everything I need and more.

It’s been two days since that dreaded afternoon, and I’ve finally been cleared to visit with Lyla.

I allowed her mom to go first, knowing that she was itching to see her daughter to confirm she’s okay. My dad had offered his spare room to her and Gloria, and we had all been together while we waited for updates on Lyla’s condition. It had improved, though she had a long road to recovery when it came to her mental state, the doctor had said.

Kathy exits Lyla’s room. “She’s sleeping, but you can go in there if you want and wait for her to wake up. I’m going to head back to your dad’s place and grab a shower. And Parker?”

“Yes?”

“Be easy on her. She needs your patience and understanding.”

We say our goodbyes and I quietly enter the room, closing the door behind me .

Lyla lay sleeping in her hospital bed, steadily breathing and hooked up to different wires and monitors. Her wrists are heavily bandaged and her face is so pale still, despite the transfusions. I sit in the chair beside her bed and sweep a strand of hair from her face, my hand lingering on her cheek for a moment.

Thinking about the fact that I was so close to losing this woman never fails to sober me. If I had been even a few minutes later, there’s a chance she wouldn’t have been so lucky.

Guilt racks me again, but I gently push it away, knowing that I did everything I could for her. Theo and I have had some long talks since that day outside of the hospital, and I’m slowly working through all the feelings and intrusive thoughts that keep coming up.

Now, I just need to talk to her. I need to get a better understanding of why.

And just as I’m about to settle in with my book, Lyla shifts and I hold my breath as olive green eyes meet mine.