Broken & Torn (Emerald Falls #1)

40. 40

40

LYLA

I wake after feeling his fingers on my cheek.

Cracking my eyes open, I meet his gaze and fear has me locking up.

I can’t imagine how angry he must be with me, and I brace for impact.

“Hi,” I croak.

“Hi,” he replies, expression blank.

Silence stretches before I finally blow out a breath.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper.

He nods. “I know, it’s okay. I’m not upset with you. I just need you to be honest with me, Lyla. I need you to trust me.”

I sigh, knowing what I have to do.

"I’ve always been complicated,” I begin. “Sometimes, everything feels entirely too heavy, and it took me so long to figure out why my world always felt like it was crashing down around me."

I pause, pondering my next words. This could truly change everything. But if Parker and I are going to work long term, this is something he needs to know about me.

"I have bipolar disorder," I blurt .

He continues to stare blankly, as if I hadn't just dropped a huge bomb on him. Reluctantly, I swallow and continue my tragic, fucked up story.

"I always knew I was different. I felt things so deeply—too much happiness and too much sadness. I had periods of time where I felt so euphoric and elated. I would feel so creative and inspired. I would become extremely extroverted, and all I wanted to do was be the life of the party. I wouldn't sleep, I would talk too fast and my mind would race. I literally would get so much energy that I felt like I was vibrating."

He reaches out and holds my hand, as if he’s anticipating how difficult my next words would be.

"After those episodes, the darkness always came. I would crash and start sleeping too much. I would feel so hopeless and sad that I physically couldn't get out of bed in the morning. It was like this bright light was shining, only to be covered by a rain cloud shortly after. I couldn't see the light anymore. I lost my joy for the things I loved. I would stop drawing. I would stop seeing my mom and my friends. I became a shell of a person."

I inhale deeply before ripping my heart open for this man.

"When I was sixteen years old, the darkness got so bad that I attempted to take my own life."

I stop, trying to get a feel on him. I know this has to be tough to hear. Maybe even uncomfortable or foreign for him. But if he’s going to love me, he needs to know all of me. Even the tattered pieces. I feel his hand squeeze my own in encouragement, so I continue.

"I didn't know what bipolar disorder was at that time. I didn't know it could get better for me, that I could feel more stable. So, I took a bunch of my mom's sleeping pills out of desperation. It felt like even a second longer in this world would break me entirely. It felt like I couldn't even breathe. And once I made the decision to end my life, a peacefulness washed over me. But I woke up the next day in the hospital.

"I won't go into the gritty details but I was transferred to a mental health facility and got a diagnosis. Bipolar disorder type one, and childhood trauma. Between my brain chemistry and my past, I'm broken. I have so many jagged pieces that I'm trying to fit back together."

Tears spill over and I take a moment to breathe. His silence is unnerving. Despite the fact that I feel safe with Parker, I don't know how he’s taking this news. But I know without a doubt that I have to lay all of my cards on the table.

"I'm broken, Parker. But every jagged piece of me belongs to you. You have made me feel more myself, and more at peace than I have my entire life. My house was chaotic, my brain is chaotic. I've never known life without chaos. But with you, it's like I can finally breathe. I spent so long with my head below water, and the moment I met you, it was like I broke through the surface and took my first breath in years."

He locks eyes with me, and I can see the pain. The pain for me, the pain for himself. He tugs his bottom lip with his teeth, and whispers so low I almost miss it.

"Then why did you do this to yourself, Lyla? Why did you almost leave me?"

I can sense his vulnerability in asking that. Parker always questions his worth. He worries he won't be enough for somebody. But he has always been enough for me.

“I should have told you—”

I break off as the tears flow silently down my cheeks and a sob is stuck in the cage of my throat. I shut my eyes tightly and try to calm my racing heart.

"I should have trusted you and told you everything. I didn't want to leave you, Parker. I'm so sorry. I just lost control for a minute and then there was this pool of blood and I couldn't focus. But while I was drifting away, it felt so different than it was ten years ago. I wasn't at peace, and I thought of you.”

Tears continue sliding down my cheeks.

"I want time, Parker. I want it for the first time in so long. I want to laugh with you, fight with you, and love you. Every day, I want that. I want to marry you in front of our friends and family. I want to go on hiking road trips and I want to wake up every morning knowing that you're mine. I want to stay in this beautiful, sleepy little mountain town that stole my heart just as much as you did. I don’t want to escape my life anymore, I want to live it.

“I love you, Parker Hamilton. You're everything I didn't know I needed. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you all of this sooner."