Broken & Torn (Emerald Falls #1)

41. 41

41

PARKER

I take deep, steadying breaths.

Lyla’s story is something tragic, yet inspirational. This woman has overcome so many obstacles and endured so much hardship, that I truly don’t know how she can still see the vibrancy of life. Hearing that she not only had withstood verbal and physical abuse, but also has bipolar disorder, angers me. As if the world hadn’t dealt her the shittiest hand of cards already, she has to suffer through her own rollercoaster of emotions.

She has suffered greatly for so long, and she has done it all on her own. I know that Kathy was as supportive as she could be, but having only a single person on your side must have been entirely isolating. Having met her friends, I understand why she hadn’t confided in them, and her father’s reaction to her illness certainly hadn’t made her feel comfortable with her circumstances.

I think of young Lyla, not knowing or understanding what was going on in her head. It’s painful to think that instead of trying to understand his daughter, her father berated her and made her feel like she was some kind of oddity .

I can’t fathom the hardships that come with having bipolar disorder, but I’m determined to understand. I will do everything in my power to learn what I can do to help her through her episodes, ways that I could support her. I know that a lot of it falls to her, as she’s the only one who can save herself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t lift her up.

“I’m sorry, Lyla.” I break the silence. “I had no idea. And as much as I want to say that you should have told me, I do understand why you were so skeptical. But baby, I would never see your illness as anything other than something that is a part of you. It doesn’t define you in my eyes, and I hope that one day you can see that it doesn’t need to be a weakness. If anything, I am in awe of your ability to feel so deeply, to see the world so magically.

“It’s easy to see the downside of mental illness, but I think it’s something that has added to your creativity, your joy, and your ability to love others so wholly. Would it be great if you didn’t have those dark times? Of course, nobody wants to go through that. But I think that when it’s something we can’t change, there needs to be a level of acceptance with it. The more we fight with our illness, the more it becomes the enemy, something we need to beat. But maybe that’s not the answer. Maybe the answer is treating it as an old friend, nurturing it and saying ‘I know you are a part of me’ and giving it love and acceptance. Love yourself for everything that you are instead of combating a piece of yourself that you can’t pray away.”

Lyla’s eyes mist over and she nervously chews on her lip. Silence stretches and I allow her space to formulate a response.

Finally, she blows out a breath and says, “I never thought of it that way. My whole life, I’ve fought my illness, begged for it to leave my body. Maybe it’s time to accept that it will always be a part of who I am. It doesn’t need to be something sinister or evil, it can just exist within me.”

I reach for her hand, careful not to hurt her or disturb the bandages, bringing it up to my mouth and gently kissing it. Then I rest it over top of my heart, which is finally beating normally again. For the first time in days, it doesn’t feel like it’s on the verge of breaking. It feels hopeful, and like this is a new beginning.

“If it makes you feel better, you have had bipolar disorder the whole time I’ve known you, and I fell in love with every piece of you. And I’m not afraid of the dark.”

Her gaze softens and I can see pieces of her healing before my eyes. All Lyla has ever needed in this life is someone who would stand by her through the hardships. She is so easy to love in the good times, but standing by somebody through their tough times is never an easy task.

I know that it doesn’t matter to me. I would love this woman through everything, and I was ready to take on her demons. Because when you love someone, you bear the weight with them.

“I love you, Lyla. Nothing can scare me off and I promise to continue to love every part of you. Having a name for your struggles doesn’t change a damn thing.”

Tears finally spill and trickle down her cheeks as she gives me a beautifully free smile. She has been carrying this secret for so long and now that it’s out there, it’s as if it already holds less power over her.

Over the next few days, everyone comes to visit Lyla.

Cassie has barely left her side and I know that she holds some guilt for being gone when her best friend attempted to end her life. While it isn’t her fault, I can understand because the guilt still eats away at me, too. My dad has visited every day and brings her food because, and I quote, ‘hospital food is literal garbage’. Cara has visited every day with Cassie, and has been distraught over the entire thing. Being the empath she is, she feels horrible for everything Lyla has been through. Bev has come to wish her a speedy recovery and offered Lyla a free paint night once she’s home. Even Theo has come to visit a few times, despite his hatred of hospitals. Kathryn had stayed for a few days, but she and Gloria had to return to work, leaving with a promise to visit once Lyla was discharged from the inpatient program.

Everyone has shown Lyla that they love and care for her, and she has even shared her diagnosis with all of them. This originally surprised me, given how reluctant she had been for years to share with others, but it seems that she’s ready to own it. And every single one of the people she’s told have accepted her without question.

Honestly, if anyone can’t accept that kind-hearted woman with a magnetic soul, it’s their loss.

Now, the day has come for her to be transferred to inpatient care, where she would undergo intensive psych evaluations and begin EMDR. I brought her bag to the hospital, ensuring she has everything she needs before saying our goodbyes.

It feels like I’m being ripped apart, knowing that I’m going to be without Lyla for a while. She’s such an integral piece of me now, and not seeing her every day is causing my heart to race in protest. I don’t want her to leave, but I know that she needs to go. So I put on my brave face for her in the hopes of easing her anxiety about leaving.

“I’m going to miss you so much,” she whispers.

“I’ll miss you too, baby. But I promise I’ll be there on discharge day.”

We embrace, her head tucked into my chest and arms wrapped tightly around my waist. She sniffles and pulls back, tears lining her eyes.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I choke out, holding back tears of my own.

She lets out a breath before turning around and following the nurse out the door, taking my heart with her.

As I make my way back to my cabin, my thoughts drift to the emptiness in my chest. The drive that usually brings me peace, feels somber. The pine trees aren’t nearly as green, and the mountains not nearly as picturesque. Without Lyla, life has lost color. I’m seeing the world in gray without my dazzling woman by my side.

This is going to be a long wait, especially when we don’t know when she’ll be released. But she is worth every suspended second.

Working at the store without Lyla hasn’t been the same.

The hours feel endless, always dragging at a glacial pace until I can finally go home.

Except it isn’t truly home without Lyla.

As I gaze around the store, I picture Lyla laughing behind the register. I picture her restocking shelves, or dusting them while she sings Matt Maeson into the duster. I picture her arms flying around wildly as she explains to a customer why they have to try Sarah J Maas books, she smile bright and welcoming.

I bring my hand to my chest and rub the ache that has been there, constantly nagging at me and reminding me that I’m alone, and she’s somewhere else.

My phone chimes and I snatch it out of my pocket. I always secretly hope it’s Lyla, telling me she’s coming home.

My heart drops a fraction when I see a text from Theo.

How are you doing?

And I want the real answer.

I chew on my lip as I type out a text back to him.

I miss her, man.

I watch the three dots appear and disappear as Theo types back.

I know you do. It’s okay to miss her. But she has to do this.

Use this time to heal your own wounds .

I contemplate my next words.

I know, you’re right. It’s just hard, especially when I’m at the store all day without her. I keep picturing her everywhere I look. She’s haunting me, awake and asleep. I don’t know how to just keep living my life while she’s fighting to regain hers.

She’ll be home before you know it. Just remember that you love her and you want her to work through this.

And Parker?

Never let that girl go.