17. Chapter 17
Chapter 17
Kane
S he loved Sulien, and I was nothing like Sulien. She loved Jace, and I was nothing like Jace. Not only that, but I lacked any sort of ability to tell her I loved her. Trust me, I’d thought about saying it and seeing where it took me, but the very idea of voicing those words made me sick to my stomach.
She deserved more than I could ever be. Unfortunately, I knew that. She deserved a big house in a nice neighborhood with plenty of room for Sawyer to play. She deserved someone who could spoil her within an inch of her life. She needed me to be better for her , but my only skill was stealing. How the hell was I supposed to be who she deserved when I couldn't even make an honest living?
Those were the thoughts that absolutely killed me as I stared at the ceiling in my room, trying to figure out a way to do all of that before the baby was born. And the short answer was, I couldn't. And that made me hate myself in ways I couldn't explain.
Just as my mind spiraled with thoughts of how I’d never be enough for her, a knock broke the silence. For a second, I thought it best to ignore it. I wasn’t in the right mental state for company. But, it came again, this time more insistent.
With a sigh, I swung my legs over the edge of the bed.
“Coming!” I called.
The knocking finally stopped, and after another moment, I pulled the door open to see Callie waiting for me. Her hair was damp and haphazardly thrown in a bun. She was fresh and clean… and wearing one of Jace’s old shirts. The tangerine cotton clung to the curve of her stomach a little too tight for my liking.
Without thinking, I reached forward and placed a hand on her belly. She looked rounder now than she did earlier, and I wasn’t sure if it was Sawyers doing or the ice cream’s. Callie’s eyes went as wide as the ocean as a slow, sweet smile crept across her lips. Her hand found mine as she stared up at me so intently that I thought my heart was going to explode. She looked exhausted, but under all of that, for the first time in weeks, Callie seemed happy.
But… It was Jace that made her feel like that, not me.
The thought caused me to tense. Calista Voltaris deserved happiness.
Jace was doing that. He was apparently going to become a fucking nurse, and he could tell her he loved her. Me… Well, all I was suited for was crime. In Callie’s story, she was the princess, Jace was the Prince, and all I’d ever be was the monster under the bed.
“Are you okay?” Callie asked, tipping her head to the side. “You seem a little distracted.”
“I’m okay, Sweetheart,” I mumbled through the words, trying not to let her know it was a lie. “Just… tired, that’s all.”
She studied me for a moment, her eyes narrowing slightly as if she could see straight through every wall I was trying to put up. But, after a moment, her expression softened.
“Well, It’s a good thing I’m here to keep you company.” The warmth in her voice caused something in me to crack.
Something dark, and cold, and completely irreparable. I’d never given a fuck about what anyone thought of me. But, right now, I didn’t feel like I deserved Callie, and that killed me . I tried to keep my expression steady as I gave her belly a gentle pat before pulling away just long enough to drape an arm over her shoulders.
The warmth of her body settled into mine as she completely relaxed into my side, and I kissed the top of her head, softly breathing in the scent of Jace’s shampoo. I loved the idea of them being happy together. I’d never minded sharing… So why did this bother me? And why couldn’t I say anything about it?
I pulled my shoulders back, standing tall as I guided her into my room, shutting the door behind us. The room was enveloped in complete and utter darkness, and while the shadows were my friends, Callie wasn’t as blessed. So, I scooped her up off the ground, holding her to my chest as I walked us to the bed.
“You’re strong.” She commented, squeezing my bicep as she did.
A self-satisfied grin tugged at my lips. “You’re not heavy.”
Her laugh echoed through the darkness, tugging at my heart as I lowered her onto the mattress. I gave her a moment to nestle into the pillows before crawling in beside her.
The bed dipped under my weight and she wasted no time resting her head on my chest, her belly pressing into my side. Jesus Christ, she was hot—and not sexy hot. Like burning up, threatening to sweat me out hot.
“Did you take the… whatever the doctor put you on?”
She nodded, pulling herself closer to me. “I took it this morning, and then Jace gave me Tylenol before the shower… I also had a couple of popsicles before coming to bother you.”
Fear caused a chill to run down my spine. The suppressors were meant to help. Why weren’t they working? What would happen if they continued not working?
No. Now wasn’t the time to let my worries get the best of me. I needed to stay in the moment. With that in mind. I rested my hand on her stomach once more.
“Ice cream and popsicles? No wonder you look like you’re going to pop.” I teased.
“You’re starting to sound like Jace,” she groaned, placing her hands over her eyes.
Just as I started to apologize and ask if she wanted me to tell him to fuck off, her groan turned into a sweet, muffled laugh.
“Is it wrong if I kinda like it?” She asked, peeking at me through her fingers.
I cast her a sideways glance. “If you like what ?”
She shrugged her shoulders as she continued to watch me with wide-eyed innocence, one so pure it caused my chest to ache. She came here for support, to be protected, and all I'd done since she got here was fuck her and stick her in an extra room. But, while I had enough to cover all the bills if need be, I didn't have much extra. I could live comfortably, not pick up and move to somewhere safer, somewhere better. And that needed to change.
But, while that truth became more obvious with each day she allowed me to bask in her glow, she seemed unfazed.
“I’m not sure. The teasing…. The way I look.” Her hand drifted to cover mine. “Now that I wear stuff that fits, it’s kinda hot.”
She finished her sentence with a girlish giggle, one that hung in the air as the warmth of her body bled into mine. The confidence in her smile was familiar, but it wasn’t something I’d seen since Sulien died. But damn , if that alone didn’t make her more radiant.
I was in love with Calista Voltaris, which was a fact as tragic as it was true. My skin tingled as my throat dried, my lips longing to feel hers, even if just for a moment. And I knew that if I didn’t break this moment, I would fall further than I already had. Far enough to be dead and buried, far enough that she would be the only one who could dig me up again, and that wasn’t fair to her.
So, I forced myself to breathe as I leaned back, resting my arm under my head as I stared at my ceiling instead of the goddess beside me.
“You seem weirdly full of energy, seeing as it’s like three AM.” My voice came out far rougher than I intended.
I felt Callie shrug against me. “I think it’s just the sugar.”
“… You open the letter Shin sent you?”
Callie stiffened.
“Wow… I am suddenly very sleepy.” A fake yawn muffled her words.
She shifted around to get comfortable, and I should have just let her go to sleep, be quiet, or do literally anything that wouldn’t cause my thoughts to race. But, I knew how desperately Shin wanted to share his memories of Sulien.
“You wanna go to my mom’s with me tomorrow? I’m sure Shin would love to talk to you about Sul.”
“Kane… I don’t know,” Callie said slowly. “The last time I was there, things kind of went bad .”
Yeah, that was an understatement. But I knew how much this meant to Shin. And, I also knew Shin had a lot of fatherly love to give and no place to put it, and Callie was currently fatherless. To me, it seemed like a match made in heaven.
“He’s not as bad as people make him out to be,” I assured her.
“He’s Vexxas ,” she said with a curl of her lip. “He kills people and reduces buildings to ash for fun.”
I clicked my tongue in disapproval as I shook my head.
“He’s Shin Seo, Sawyer’s grandpa. That makes him your family.”
“Family? Kane, my family didn’t incinerate a hospital just to make a point!”
“No, they abandoned their pregnant teenager because she pissed them off. Shin isn’t a saint, but he’d never do that.”
Callie’s breath hitched, but no words came after. I chewed on my lower lip, silently cursing myself for being so fucking blunt. Obviously–reminding her that her parents were shitty wasn’t the right move. But I couldn’t take back what I’d said.
“Look–you don’t have to like Shin. You don’t even have to trust him. He’s killed people. He’s caused destruction.” Somehow, that still felt like I was understating the disasters Shin had caused. “But, he would never do anything to hurt his family. That means you and Sawyer.”
Callie let out the softest, most pathetic whimper I’d ever heard. And, part of me wondered if it was meant for me. But, after a minute of almost painful silence, Callie cleared her throat. Her breathing was shaky, and I could tell she was doing her best to hide it.
“Can you at least think about it?” I asked.
Yet more silence. Part of me wanted to tell her to forget it; I’d just visit my mom on my own and tell Shin that Callie was sick. It wasn’t a lie, but I knew that it’d only make him worry more.
Finally, Callie broke the silence with a barely perceivable “Fine.”