Chapter 32
Theo
I f these past few days have taught me anything, it’s that the mundane suddenly becomes way more interesting when you’re trying to avoid your feelings.
All of the sudden, my personal training sessions with Rob aren’t as dreadful as they always were. I even found myself reviewing tape footage for the playoff game in two weeks, and coming up with plays I thought might help our team.
And I hate football, so that’s saying a lot.
In hindsight, I did this to myself. I broke my own heart by ending things, but wasn’t that always the plan? This pain was inevitable. We were never guaranteed a happy ending, but I lost sight of that with my overbearing optimism that she’d eventually feel the same way I did.
My chest ached so profusely over the past five days that I seriously considered going to the hospital at one point, because there must have been something else wrong with me. I never knew missing someone so much could cause such an intense physical pain.
The only shred of light I could hold onto was that when I’m grey and old, I’ll still remember that I got to make memories with the girl who stole my heart.
Although today, the pressure feels extra tight on my chest, and the only thing getting me out of bed this morning is the smell of fresh bread.
I wander downstairs and into the kitchen where I find Dale chopping strawberries on the cutting board. “Morning, sunshine,” he sing-songs. “Glad to see you made it out of bed for something other than a workout.”
He’s aware of what happened and knows exactly why I’ve been sulking around.
“Are you making bread?” I ignore his comment, focusing on the source of the delicious scent wafting around us.
“Yup. Robin’s parents got us a bread maker for Christmas. You can be my first taste tester if you’d like.”
“Absolutely,” I say as I sit on the bar stool.
Dale looks up at me from the cutting board, doing a quick glance-over before he returns to chopping. “You look like crap,” he half chuckles.
“Leave me alone. I’m dealing with heartbreak,” I try to make it a joke, but it falls flat.
He sets down his knife and gives me his full attention. “Are you okay?” he asks, feeling guilty.
“I don’t know,” I say honestly. “I know I did the right thing by ending things, but fuck, I miss her a lot. Do you know how hard it is to go from seeing each other nearly everyday to complete radio silence?”
“I do actually,” his voice takes on a reverent tone, as if he’s remembering a painful memory. “Robin and I broke up briefly two years ago. We were young and it was over a dumb reason, but the pain of not being with her for weeks was unbearable.”
“How’d you cope?” I ask him, desperate for some tips.
“I let myself feel what I needed to feel, but I also didn’t let it take over my life. After a few days, I eventually started to get back into my routine. It wasn’t easy, but it helped a lot. I had days that sucked, and days that weren’t so bad. And eventually, we worked things out. It made me feel more secure knowing I could handle us being apart if it ever happened again. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the love of my life and I don’t want to live without her, but I know I could live without her if anything were to happen. You get what I mean?”
“I do. It’ll suck if Marcela doesn’t want me back, but I know that regardless of how bad it’ll hurt, I will be okay,” I tell him, feeling slightly better already.
Hell, the more I thought about it, the more I thought maybe I was being a tad dramatic. She hasn’t even told me anything yet. I should stop assuming and wait it out like I told her I would, instead of moping around like a lost puppy.
“Exactly, and I’ll always be here if you need me,” Dale says, offering me his fist.
I bump it with a smile. “Thanks, man. Same goes for you.”
Dale and I spend the rest of the morning eating fresh bread and fruit salad as he tells me all about the baby shower he and Robin are planning, his fears about being a dad, and how he wants to propose to Robin.
“How are you going to ask her?”
A mischievous glint casts over his eyes. “I’m going to take her back to the place where we had our very first date. When we’re sitting on the bench where we had our first kiss, I’ll get down on one knee.”
“That’s amazing, Dale. I’m so freaking happy for you two,” I smile, bringing a cup of coffee to my lips.
“Yeah, I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with her,” he says, right before he shoves a piece of bread topped with Nutella and strawberries into his mouth.
“Can I tell you something?” I ask, wanting to be honest with him. It seems to be my thing lately.
“Of course. What’s up?” he says with a mouthful.
“I hate football.”
Dale’s fork clatters to his plate as his mouth pops open. “What?”
“I hate football,” I repeat, keeping my eyes locked on his.
“Theo, you’re the star of the team. Hell, the star football player in the country. And this whole time you’ve hated it?”
“The only reason I’ve kept playing is because of my dad.”
I let the words hang in the air between us, letting Dale put the pieces together when understanding dawns on his face.
“Wow,” he says, sitting back in his chair as he looks at me. “How hard has that been?”
His question makes me huff a sarcastic laugh. “Oh, I’ve been having the best time.”
Dale shakes his head at me. “That bad, huh?”
I nod, letting go of my previous humor. “I’ve hated every second of it. Playing always made me so goddamn anxious. I know I’m good at it, but just because someone’s good at something doesn’t mean they enjoy it. I’m sure if I had grown up to play recreationally, I might’ve liked it more. But the way I was raised with it being my entire life, it made me despise it. It took everything away from me. My dad, my childhood, the chance of having a normal life.”
“Fuck, man. I’m so sorry. What are you going to do?”
I hold the mug of warm coffee between my hands, trying to let it soothe the pit in my stomach that I get when I think about hurting my dad’s feelings.
“I’m going to tell Coach Davis tomorrow that I won’t be opting into the draft. However far our team makes it this season will be as far as my career goes.”
“I’m sure Coach will understand. I mean, after this you’re no longer his player so he shouldn’t care much,” he comments, and I agree. Coach wouldn’t be affected by my decision unless I quit right now, which I’m not.
“So what are you going to do with your life?” he asks, peering at me with curiosity.
“Bit of a loaded question for ten in the morning,” I chuckle, and he smirks at that. I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t really know. I’ve been thinking about going back home to the farm and taking over my dad’s job. He’s getting older, and I’m sure there are other things that would make him happy.”
“National football star turned farmer, who would’ve thought?” Dale cracks a smile and I can’t help but laugh along with him.
“Make your jokes now, but next time you eat, remember to thank a farmer.”
We both laugh at that.
“Honestly though, Theo. I’m proud of you,” Dale says. “What you’ve done is hard as hell, and to finally choose yourself after a lifetime of not doing that, I commend you.”
My body sags in relief at hearing those words from him. “Thank you, seriously. It means a lot to hear that.”
Dale and I fall into easy conversation about what our lives will look like in the next few months. Both of us are graduating, and while one of us will become a parent the other has no strict life plans.
The contrast between the two of us should throw me off and make me feel like there’s something wrong with me, but the only thing I feel is this overwhelming sense of freedom.
To be who I want to be.
To do what I want to do.
To live with my choices for the first time in my life.