Chapter 31
Marcela
I officially had the worst night of sleep that I’ve ever had. Not even the night I found out Hunter had cheated on me with Ruby could top last night.
Theo, the guy I’m— was —faking dating, and one of the few true friends that I have, told me he was in love with me.
“Ugh,” I groan as I roll over, and plant my face down into my pillow.
I feel like an idiot, thinking we could pretend to be together without any consequences.
I thought I was fine and I’d get over our fake relationship ending. But the gaping hole in my chest that’s been there since I walked away from him tells me a different story.
Because not only am I hurting over the knowledge that this broke his heart, but because my own is broken too.
And I didn’t even see it coming.
Deep down, I knew that I was developing feelings for Theo, feelings bigger than friendship. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I thought that the more I ignored it, maybe it’d go away and I wouldn’t have to deal with it.
Because I didn’t want to fall again, not after getting burned the way I have before.
My mind was at war with my heart.
I’m terrified of falling in love again. I know it sounds like such a cliché, but the idea of opening myself up and being vulnerable to more pain is horrifying.
He said he’d catch me if I fell, but my trust issues screamed at me that he was lying. When you get screwed over by two people you were supposed to trust the most, it changes how you think.
I didn’t want to be a scornful woman who never loved again, but I also didn’t know how to move past that.
I might have gotten closure with Hunter, but it doesn’t mean my fear of trusting someone again was magically restored.
Theo knows me better than I know myself, so I owe it to both of us to process everything and figure out where my head is.
I spend the remainder of the holiday break holed up in my apartment, only leaving for food, since I don’t need to report back to work until the start of the new semester. I spend hours at my desk trying to distract myself from my thoughts, but find myself unable to write a single word.
I’m currently wrapped in a blanket watching my comfort show when there’s a knock on my door. I sit up, instantly on edge at who could be at my door. There are only three people who know where I live, and I don’t care to see two of them again. Let alone at my doorstep.
Which means there’s only one person it could be. Theo.
My heart pounds erratically as I untangle the blanket from my body and make my way to the door. I pause when I pass the hallway mirror, noting the messy bun on my head and the outfit I’ve been wearing for the last two days—an oversized sweater and leggings. It’s not my best look, seeing as I haven’t showered, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.
I peer into the peephole, and I’m surprised that it’s not Theo standing in the hallway. As quickly as I can, I unlock the door and am greeted by three faces.
Aurora, Jasmine and Camille.
“How did you know I live here?” is what I blurt out.
“How do you think?” Aurora raised a brow at me.
“Theo told the boys, and they all told us. Obviously. We came to check on you to see if you were okay,” Camille says.
“I hope it wasn’t supposed to be a secret that you guys broke up, because we all know Theo cannot keep his mouth shut,” Jasmine mutters, making me smile faintly.
“No, it wasn’t a secret,” I shake my head and pull the door open for them to come inside. “Come in, it’s not super clean. I wasn’t expecting anyone.”
They all roll their eyes at me and tell me not to worry, which is all I seem to do these days.
It’s not until we’re in my living room that I notice they didn’t come empty-handed. Aurora sets down containers of sushi on the table, while Jasmine sets out a box of baked goods from the bakery and Camille opens a cooler full of drinks.
“What’s all this for?”
“Breakups suck,” Aurora shrugs as the girls begin to open everything up. “Not that I’d personally know that, but from what I’ve heard.”
“We weren’t actually dating though. It was fake, remember?” I remind them as I pop a sweet potato roll into my mouth.
“Then why are you sporting the whole post-breakup look right now?” Jasmine counters as she eyes me up and down.
“I’ve been enjoying my holiday break, that’s all,” I try to defend myself.
Camille gives me a sympathetic look. “Marcela, it’s okay to admit that even though this started out as fake, that it upsets you now that it’s over.”
“I mean, of course I miss having him around. It’s just an adjustment, that’s all,” I say, not sure if I believe the words.
“You’re telling me you feel nothing for him? Even if this was all fake, I saw the way you looked at him,” Aurora says knowingly.
“How did I look at him?” I ask curiously, wanting to know what she saw.
“You’d always have this smile on your face, and your eyes were full of adoration. As if he put the stars in the sky just for you.”
The mention of the sky makes a lump of emotion grow in my throat because we seemed to have all of our moments under the stars.
“It’s true,” Camille adds. “And he looks at you like you’re his entire world.”
“That’s not something you can fake. The eyes are the window to the soul, if you ask me,” Jasmine says.
“I mean, yeah. We like each other as friends, of course we look at each other that way,” I say, trying to diffuse their facts.
“Friends don’t look at friends like that,” Jasmine retorts over the rim of her glass of wine.
“I just don’t get what’s so wrong about having real feelings for him,” Aurora says gently, and I can tell she’s genuinely trying to make sense of this. Just like I am.
As we eat and catch up on how our holidays went, I put on Bring it On Again: All or Nothing to play in the background.
Jasmine and Aurora spend most of the time talking about their wedding plans, which are coming up in just a few months. Camille tells us all about married life with Ryker, and how she loves being closer to her brother, Quinton.
As the girls chat about the baby, I take a moment to soak in the fact that they showed up for me . I’ve never had friends like this, and it means the world to me.
“Are you okay, Marcela?” Camille asks. “You’ve been quiet.”
“Nothing, just … you guys coming here today, it means a lot. I’ve never really had friends like this, and I’ve been so worried the past few days that you all wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore,” my voice shakes slightly as my emotions threaten to take over.
Three sets of eyes stare at me with sadness, and Camille is the first one to speak.
“I’m so sorry no one has treated you the way you deserve, but that’s all over now. We’re your girls for life, no matter what. We don’t love you because you were with Theo, Marcela, we love you because of you.”
“What she said!” Aurora points at Camille, as Jasmine does the same.
“I love you all too,” I sniffle, doing my best and failing to keep the tears at bay. The three of them move in close, enclosing me in their embrace.
“You know you’re standing up in both of our weddings, don’t you?” Aurora says matter-of-factly, still holding me tight.
“W-what?” I stumble on my words, utterly shocked as I pull back to look at them. “Really?”
“Of course. Neither of us have got around to asking because we figured everyone here already knew,” Jasmine explains.
“I’d love that,” I tell them, my voice full of emotion.
A sense of happiness washes over me, a foreign feeling after days of feeling like crap. I thought these girls would never want to speak to me again after everything that happened with Theo.
Our conversation lulls as we watch a bit of the movie, until the question floating around in my mind finally makes its way out.
“How is he doing?” I ask, hesitant to hear the answer. What if he’s content and has moved on? Does it make me a bad person if I don’t want that?
Aurora’s features fall slightly, her words careful as she says, “He’ll be okay. It’s painful right now, but he knew it was the best decision. He couldn’t continue faking it, when he felt that way.”
It all seemed so easy when we first made our deal. But looking back now, did we ever stand a chance? He wasn’t supposed to fall in love with me. No one was supposed to get hurt.
But they say that if you pretend to be happy, eventually it’ll become real. I’m starting to think that saying applies to other things too.
“I’m so sorry,” I manage to say as I fold my arms across my belly.
“Don’t be sorry,” Jasmine says, her voice warm. “You can’t be responsible for how others feel. Especially at the expense of your own feelings.”
“How do you feel?” Camille questions me, her voice gentle.
“I—” I pause as I’m suddenly hit with a flash of memories. Of Theo and I laying under the stars, spilling our deepest secrets. Of Theo sticking up for me. Of Theo smiling at me on horseback. Of me melting into his arms whenever they’re around me.
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly, for the first time.
“Let me ask you this.” Aurora rests her forearms on her knees and folds her hands together. “How would you feel if you saw Theo doing all of the things you two have done in your fake relationship with someone else?”
Jealousy consumes my body so quickly that I nearly jump up to shake the odd sensation off. I don’t think I’ve ever felt a feeling so instantly, let alone one of anger. It’s not like me at all.
She smirks as she looks at me, “Exactly.”
“If your feelings were strictly friendly, you’d be happy for him,” Jasmine adds in.
“I agree with them, Marcela. Can you imagine yourself doing those things with another person?” Camille says, making my stomach twist.
Because no, I can’t imagine myself ever being with someone else. Over the last few days, whenever I’ve tried to picture my future after this, I only saw Theo. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself and tried to reason that there was another explanation.
My bottom lip begins to quiver as anxiety takes over. “I’m so scared,” I whisper.
“What are you scared of?” Jasmine asks, putting her arm around my shoulders.
“Of being in love again. Trusting someone entirely, and giving them the chance to hurt me. I’ve worked so hard to get myself here after what Hunter did to me. I can’t go through that again.”
“Love is scary, but Theo would never, ever do that to you,” Aurora reassures me.
“Logically I know that, yet at the same time you never know what can happen,” my voice shakes as I explain my fears. I’m terrified to put my heart out there again only for it to be broken once more. I’m not sure how many times I can put it back together.
Camille speaks up. “Your fear is valid, Marcela. Shit happens in life, and you might get hurt. You can’t hide from the good things just because they have the potential to hurt you. That’s no way to live, Marcela. It’s okay to be cautious, but you’re never going to have love again if you let fear win. I just don’t want you to end up regretting things later in life.”
She’s right. It’s the same advice I’d give to either of them, yet taking it myself is terrifying. I’m the one that has to deal with the potential fallout.
“You’re right,” I sniffle. “And I don’t want to live in the shadows of my fears.”
“You need to know that you’re strong. You’ve been through some crappy things, and know how to handle yourself. You’re more confident now than I’ve ever seen before, and you also have us. You’ll never be alone,” Jasmine adds, giving me a hug.
I nod along, resting my head on Jasmine’s shoulder as I try to take in all that tonight’s talk has revealed to me.
“Of course we will support you in whatever you decide. It’s your life. We just want to be here to support you,” Aurora says.
“I think I need some time to process everything.”
Tonight has been an overload on my brain. Right now all I want to do is relax with my friends.
“Then let’s sit back and enjoy some chick flicks,” Aurora suggests.
And that’s what we do for the rest of the night. We watch some classic girly movies and stuff our faces with food, and talk about anything and everything.
Despite the confusion in my head and the ache in my chest, it’s the best night I’ve had in a while.
After the girls leave, I settle into bed, prepared for another sleepless night. Because I already know the chances of me turning my brain off are slim.
Not when I’m certain I have feelings for Theo.
How exactly did this happen?
There’s not one defining moment I can look back on and say “Aha! Right there, that’s when I fell for him.”
I think I fell for Theo a little each day. I fell for the kindness he treated me with. The patience he never stopped giving me. The small but meaningful gestures. He was my biggest fan, my number one supporter who made me feel like I could do anything.
Theo understood me and could anticipate my needs. He made me feel beautiful, sexy, and desirable. The way my body felt every time he touched me couldn’t be faked. That kind of chemistry isn’t just two people testing it out for research purposes.
It was real. All of it.
I don’t think there’s ever been a single thing we’ve faked. Every touch felt natural. Every laugh was genuine.
Not to mention that I went on two dates without Hunter and Ruby in sight, purely because I enjoyed spending time with him. It had nothing to do with proving anything to anyone.
Plus, how could I not be in love with someone who treated me like I was the center of their world and never stopped trying to prove it every day?
I thought admitting my feelings for Theo to myself would be the hard part, but it doesn’t even come close to what comes next.
What now?
I know Theo told me to let him know when I figure it out, but I don’t know how to do that. Do I simply show up at his house and tell him that I love him? Do I come up with a grand gesture?
Putting my feelings out there has never been easy for me, especially ones that I didn’t want to admit to myself.
That’s a weird thing too, isn’t it? How did I manage to fall in love with someone a few months after my breakup? Am I just falling for the first person that gave me attention?
I push the endless worries out of my mind and focus on the one thing that matters most right now.
I’m in love with Theo Miller.