41. Chapter 38
T alon’s face flashes on my phone, and I ignore it for the seventh time today. Koda came home sometime last night after I binged an entire package of cookies and then passed out in my room, crying. I assume he left for the cafe early this morning since he sent me a text telling me he left the Aspirin on the counter and hopes I feel better. Saturdays are busy days, but luckily, I wasn’t scheduled. When I woke up groggy and smelling like sex I felt my heart sink.
I told Koda I wasn’t drunk enough to regret what happened, and I don’t. Until I moaned Banks’s name and he acted like it was just another Tuesday, I was into it, but it wasn’t fair to him. Then I let Banks in and basically begged him to fuck me right after.
I’m so conflicted.
I try convincing myself that last night didn’t mean anything, it was a lapse in judgement.
Nothing more.
It was hot–in the moment–but now it feels… cheap.
Instead of worrying over the what ifs, I plug the tub and fill it with water and bubbles–nothing like a good soak on a lazy Saturday. I might bake something later, especially since Toby and Talon’s birthdays are coming up. They love anything sweet.
My phone rings again, and I groan. I don’t know why I carried it with me to the tub. I should have left it on my dresser and forgotten about the damn thing.
“Hello?” I snap, much moodier than I intend.
“Did you fuck him?” Talon’s voice croons through the speakers, and my stomach plummets to the tub floor. Did Banks go back to the bar and brag about fucking me? “Come on, Fancy! Did you and Koda get down and dirty?”
Relief shoots through my body, and I hate that it does. I shouldn’t lie to my best friend, but I know Tal will have too many things to say about it, and I’m not ready to hear them. I already feel bad enough.
“I’m not having this conversation,” I know he wants me to move on, and believe me, I do too, but it doesn’t work that fast. Plus, remembering how easy it was to sink back into old habits with Banks makes me wish I were stronger.
“So you did, and now you feel like shit.”
More than he’ll know.
I’m not certain that he’s asking me a question. It sounds like one, but the way he said it seems more like a statement and makes me scoff.
“You do!” He accuses, his voice growly and harsh.
“Tal,” sighing heavily into the phone, “I love that you want me to move on and be happy. I’m just not there yet, and that’s fine. I’m okay sitting in the sadness because it means what Banks and I had was genuine.”
Surprising myself with that bit of truth, it registers in my brain, like saying it out loud made it real.
Made it tangible.
“Got it. I’m sorry if I pushed,” he grumbles, clearly not happy about not getting any gossip to spread.
I laugh, and the water sloshes around. “You know I love you for it.”
“Are you in a bath?” He switches topics so fast I almost get whiplash, but then when I think about it, it makes sense. Tal isn’t a happy feelings type of guy, and anytime I tell him I love him he gets squeamish.
“I am.”
“You’re gonna electrocute yourself,” he snips, and we laugh together.
“Bye, Tal.”
He doesn’t bother with saying anything, and dead air soon fills the room as I throw my phone onto the bath mat. Sinking down into the tub, I let my eyes close and breathe. Attempting to clear my thoughts.
I’m going to relax, damnit.
Koda brought dinner home not long after I’d finished soaking and was laying on my bed listening to music. I need to have a conversation with him.
An honest one.
“Koda,” I call his name, walking out of my bedroom. “Can we talk about last night?”
His head swings up, and he smiles. “Of course.”
I’m not sure where or how to start, but I know I need to tell him how I’m feeling. “I’m sorry it ended the way it did.”
His smile gets a little sad then, “It’s okay. I understand heartbreak, Henry. I’m sorry if I made you feel pressured.”
Glancing down at my shoeless feet, I debate on what I’m going to say.
“I don’t want to hurt your feelings,” I manage, “And I want you to know I don’t regret it, but I don’t think it should happen again. Honestly, I think you deserve way more than settling for someone who isn’t fully in the moment with you. You should be with someone who doesn’t imagine you’re anyone else. I–I can’t be that person. I’m sorry.”
His head drops, and his hands grip the counter. “I know. I figured this was coming,” he says, still looking down. When he looks up, he seems resigned. “I hope you find whatever it is that makes you happy, Henry, truly.”