46. Chapter 43
E very year since we were six, we go camping the weekend before Thanksgiving, so all of us are outfitted in gear, and our bags are packed. We waited until lunch to pack up the trucks because Banks wasn’t lying when he said he was going to therapy.
When his session ended, he opened his door, and our eyes found each other like magnets. I forgot I had my door open, but I wasn’t listening, and I doubt I could hear anything even from outside of his door if I tried. He didn’t comment on my open door, only slung a towel over his shoulder and walked to the bathroom.
I packed my bags last night, and I’m hopeful that I didn’t forget anything. Especially now as I watch Dad throw the bags into the truck bed along with our tents, portable heaters, and coolers. No one really says anything, and the silence is a bit awkward since there’s usually someone talking.
Fern, Cin, and Charlie wait at the door. It’s always been us and the dads, plus Creed. They didn’t want to break tradition, plus it gives Fern something to do with women. Usually, it’s just her and Candy.
Creed and Talon swoop up their women and kiss them goodbye while Charlie waves at Banks. It’s small, and when she thinks I’m not looking, she gives him a thumbs up. I guess that little motion gives him a bit of encouragement because he finally speaks.
“How’d you sleep?” He asks after clearing his throat.
“Fine,” I shrug. I’m not sure if I want to trust that his intentions are genuine, and I damn sure won’t let my guard down yet. He forced me to build this wall, and it’s not going to crumble just because he said he was sorry. No matter how much I still want him.
Creed claps his hands, gathering all of our attention. “Let’s load up!”
We all pile into the two trucks, Nile, Diego, Talon, and Toby all get into the truck in front. Leaving Creed, Dad, Me, and Banks in the one behind. I almost ask if Dad will sit in the back with me, but my gut tells me he won’t. Considering he asked me to hear everyone out, I have a feeling they’re hoping Banks and I will reconnect on this trip.
After everything.
Bringing us back to the place where we had our first kiss. It feels oddly like a setup.
Dad tries holding conversation, but after giving him mumbles instead of answers, he quits trying. The only sounds are the tires turning on the road and the heat flowing from the vents as I look out my window and studiously ignore my seat mate for the entire ride.
It isn’t long before we’re turning into the lot that’s the starting point for our hike. It’s like deja vu, seeing Banks eye me as I heft my pack onto my shoulders. Even the sun’s in the same position, casting the trees in red, gold, and orange.
It’s almost as if the universe is in on whatever plan my family’s concocted.
The trail walk is the same, with Banks in front of me. The only difference being that Dad walks beside me. The rustle of leaves and crunches of sticks under our boots, is like nature’s music, and I soak it in. I’ve missed camping, it’s one of the things that we all used to do so often that now, when we do get to come, it feels even more special.
The clearing we usually use is dusted in fallen leaves, and dead grass crackles under our weight as we all file in. There are subtle changes, like a few fallen logs with grooves carved into them around the fire pit, along with a picnic table off to the side of the flatter areas where our tents go.
Everyone starts setting up their tents, Talon and Toby, Nile and Diego, Creed and Dad, leaving me and Banks to share.
Like old times.
Fuck. Me.
I’m not ready to play into this reality, the one they’re all trying desperately to make the same. Banks smiles, and for a moment I feel like the first time we came up here alone with Talon and Toby. The night I confessed to my best friend that I had a crush on him.
The night that changed a lot of things.
Right here in this same place, in the same tent that Banks is setting up beside the same charred fire. Only this time, I’m hoping he’ll confess to me whatever’s happened since I kicked him out of my apartment.
“Fancy, mind giving me a hand?” His use of my nickname sparks something in my chest that I really don’t want to acknowledge.
“Oh? Are we back on a nickname basis?” I probe rudely, but I don’t care. My heart may stupidly still beat for this man, but my head isn’t ready to forgive him.
His smile dims but doesn’t diminish entirely. Sighing, I leave my bag where it’s at on the ground and help him set up the tent. It’s a lot easier with two people anyway, and I refuse to sleep without it.
All of our tents are up and anchored. Looking around, everyone’s unpacking, sliding things into their tents, or pulling things from the cooler. Banks passes by me, stopping at my bag. He bends down, gripping one strap and slinging it over his shoulder.
“I can–”
“I’ve got it,” he says, walking past me. He ducks into the tent and disappears.
Deciding I’d rather not have him going through my bag, I head into the tent after him. He’s got his sleeping bag unrolled, fluffing it up and laying it on his side of the space. The same side as always.
“Did you bring your heater?” He asks, pulling one that looks suspiciously like mine from his bag. “I know you hate being cold.”
“Yeeaaah,” I can’t help dragging the word out. This Banks can’t be real, tentative, open, trying . “What’s going on?”
I’m tired of waiting for the punchline. I’m usually the one who takes the brunt of the hit anyway.
“What do you mean?” He looks from me back to the heater. “I didn’t know if you had yours, so I–”
“No,” I huff, cutting him off. “What is all of this? I heard you when you said you’re trying to be better. That you’re finding your way and getting help, but this–” I gesture at all of him, “seems… drastic. Not to mention out of character.”
His downcast eyes make me want to gobble the words back into my mouth, but my head knows they need to be said.
“I meant it when I said I’m trying to be better, and I’ve been seeing my therapist since the week after that drunken night. That was the night it all fell apart and clicked. The moment I knew if I didn’t get my shit together… I’d truly lose you.”
“How many times have you met with him?” My curiosity gets the best of me, and I’m choosing to ignore the last part of that statement. He could never lose me, but he doesn’t get to know that.
Yet.
“This morning was my third session aside from the initial meeting, so four times total, but I’ve also been talking things out with Dad.” His eyes flick up to mine. “I promise you, I’m doing everything I can to get back to the man you deserve. The man you fell in love with. I want to be worthy of you, Henry.”
The conviction in his voice almost does me in right here. He’s really trying. It doesn’t heal my heart completely, that will take time, and I need to see it consistently before I believe it’s really making a difference. But I see it, the little glimmer of my Banks.