30. Lilian
Chapter 30
Lilia n
I startle awake, a scream lodged in my throat. Disoriented, I struggle against the weight pinning me down, my wrists trapped above my head.
“Lil? Hey, it’s okay. It’s me.” Sebastian’s voice cuts through the haze of fear, his face coming into focus above me.
I blink, my surroundings slowly registering. The dorm room. Sebastian. Not the dark figure from my nightmare.
“You’re safe, princess. I’ve got you,” he murmurs, his grip on my wrists loosening.
I let out a shaky breath, my body still trembling. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to surprise you, but then I heard you thrashing around. Nightmares again?” His brow furrows with concern.
I nod, not trusting my voice. The images still feel too real, too close .
Sebastian releases my wrists and gathers me into his arms, my head resting on his chest. The steady thrum of his heartbeat begins to calm my frayed nerves.
We lay in silence for a moment, his fingers gently combing through my hair. I try to focus on the soothing sensation, pushing away the lingering tendrils of the nightmare.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He presses a kiss to the top of my head, and I tilt my face up to look at him.
The tenderness in his gaze makes my heart ache. How can this be fake? How can he not care?
“Why are you here?” I ask.
“You didn’t write me back or answer my calls. I was worried about you.”
I point to my phone on the ground. Broken. Just like me.
“What happened?” he asks.
Is he really here?
“You lied to me.” I cling to him, unable to let go, no matter how much he’s hurt me. “You knew all along, and you didn’t tell me the truth about our families.”
His jaw clenches, a flicker of something—anger, frustration, resignation—passing over his face. “Who told you?”
“Does it matter? Is it true?” I search his eyes, desperate for him to deny it. To tell me, it’s all a misunderstanding.
He exhales heavily, his hand coming up to cup my cheek. “It’s complicated.”
I flinch away from his touch, sitting up. “Complicated? It’s a yes or no question. ”
“Yes, our families have a history. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
“Doesn’t it? How can I trust anything you’ve said, anything you’ve done? Was this all some game to you? Some twisted way to get back at my family?”
“No, Lil, listen to me—” He reaches for me, but I’m already off the bed.
“I can’t do this. I can’t… I can’t be with you. Not like this.” Tears blur my vision, and I hug myself tightly, trying to hold the pieces of my heart together.
“Please. Let me explain.” Sebastian’s voice is rough with emotion as he takes a step toward me.
I back away. “I think you should go.”
“I’m not leaving until we talk about this.”
“There’s nothing to talk about. You lied to me. You used me. Just like everyone said, you would.” Jason’s earlier words echo in my mind, taunting me.
Sebastian’s eyes flash with anger. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m some player out to hurt you?”
“I don’t know what to think anymore. You took that choice from me. You had every opportunity to tell me the truth. But you chose not to.”
He steps closer. “I wanted to protect you from this mess. I didn’t want our families’ history to taint what we have.”
A bitter laugh escapes me. “What we have? And what exactly is that? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like a whole lot of lies and secrets. ”
He reaches for my hand, but I yank it away. “Don’t. Just… don’t.”
“Lil, please.” His voice cracks, and for a moment, I almost believe the pain in his eyes. “I care about you. More than I’ve ever cared about anyone.”
Tears stream down my face. “How can I believe that? How can I trust anything you say?”
He takes another step, closing the distance between us. His hands come up to frame my face, his thumbs brushing away my tears. “Because it’s the truth. Because every moment we’ve shared, every touch, every kiss has been real.”
I want to believe him. I want to believe him so badly it hurts. But the doubts swirl in my mind, Jason’s words ringing in my ears.
“I love you, dammit!” The words burst from him, raw and desperate. “I love you. And that’s the fucking truth.”
His lips crash into mine, demanding and unyielding. For a moment, I’m lost in the familiar heat, the way my body molds to his like it was made to be there. My hands fist in his shirt, pulling him closer, even as my mind screams at me to push him away.
He easily hoists me up by my waist, and I lock my legs around his middle, the cold door pressing into my back. His tongue delves into my mouth, claiming me, consuming me. Making me forget.
I moan into the kiss, my body betraying me. It remembers his touch and craves it like a drug .
Did you sleep with him?
I tear my mouth away, gasping for air.
His eyes search mine. “Tell me this feels fake. Tell me you don’t feel what I feel when I touch you.”
I do feel it. I feel it so strongly it terrifies me.
“It doesn’t matter what I feel.” My voice shakes. “You lied to me. You kept things from me.”
His hands tighten on my hips, his eyes boring into mine. “I never lied about how I feel about you. That was real. It is real.”
I close my eyes, unable to bear the intensity of his gaze. “But everything else was a lie. Our families… you knew, and you didn’t tell me.”
“I was trying to protect you.” His voice is rough with emotion.
“Protect me? Or protect yourself?” I open my eyes, meeting his gaze head-on.
He flinches as if I’ve struck him. “Please. Don’t do this, princess. Don’t throw away what we have because of our families’ mistakes.”
I untangle my legs from his waist, pushing against his chest until he steps back. My feet hit the floor, but it’s like the ground is shifting beneath me.
“I’m not throwing anything away,” I say. “You did that when you chose to lie to me.”
“I never lied to you.” His jaw clenches, his hands balling into fists at his sides .
“Omission is still a lie, Sebastian. You know how much my family means to me. You knew how much I was struggling with my memories. And yet you kept this from me.”
“I was trying to protect you.”
“Why does everyone feel the need to protect me? Why not believe in me that I can handle it? Make my own decisions. You all take that away from me.”
Sebastian’s shoulders slump, defeat settling over him. “Tell me how to fix this.”
“I don’t know if you can. Please go.”
“I won’t leave you like this.”
I stare at the wall, refusing to meet his gaze. “Go. I can’t…”
“Lil—”
“Go,” I choke out. I can’t look at his face, can’t bear the ache in his voice. “Please, leave me alone.”
I hear steps and the door opening. “I meant what I said. My feelings for you are real. And when you’re ready to listen, I’ll be here.”
Please, I need you to leave. I need you to never come back. To never touch me again.
“Did Gemma know?” I ask, my voice small and vulnerable.
“No. She didn’t know either.”