Chapter 17
SEVENTEEN
Madoc set his bag on the island chair beside Gus’s, then bent to unzip his boots. They had a long night ahead of them starting the process of resetting their internal clocks for the night shift and had a plan to stay up late deep cleaning and doing food prep. And, Madoc hoped, wrapping himself around Gus until they were so high on pleasure Madoc hardly knew his own name.
He had a weakness for the way Gus looked at him when they were alone together. Like they were the only two people left in the world and had all the time they needed to laugh and be playful away from the pressures of work and life.
Madoc needed those moments to just be.
Peace crept over him as he glanced around. He took in the warm light cast by the lamps near the windows. The table set for dinner and the baking show playing on the TV. Gus’s feet sticking out of the entrance of the new and improved blanket fort Madoc had designed. The pack of playing cards spread out on the rug beside the fort and a small yellow sock beside them.
Home.
Ambling over, he squatted down and peered inside the fort. Gus was reclined on his back with Valerie beside him, her head resting atop Gus’s shoulder, and the cat was snoozing near Valerie’s feet.
“Welcome home, Daddy!” Valerie waved both hands at Madoc. “How you doin’?”
Chuckling, Madoc got down on all fours and crawled in through the fort’s opening. “I’m doin’ good and glad to be home. What’s going on with my people?”
Valerie levered herself up to make space for Madoc. “We went to the ah-quarium today,” she said, “and then Gus and me did yoga and a whole bunch of rainy-day stuff.”
“I’ll bet your rainy-day stuff was more fun than mine. Oof.” Madoc sprawled onto his stomach, smiling when the others laughed. “This is nice, though.”
“Me and Gus made orange cake after lunch,” Valerie said. She scooted over and draped herself over Madoc’s back, and she pressed her cheek against his now, small fingers stroking his hair. “You can have a slice for snack and that’ll make you feel better.”
Madoc looked askance at his partner. “Because cake is a cure-all, huh?”
“Yes, silly.” Rolling onto his side, Gus propped his head on his hand. “There’ll still be plenty left for tonight’s dessert too.”
They chatted for a bit about the sea creatures Valerie and Gus had seen at the aquarium, but the whole time, Madoc thought Gus seemed off. When Valerie ducked out of the fort to use the bathroom, Lemonade followed her and Gus rolled onto his back again, seemingly studying the blanket stretched above them with a hangdog expression that told Madoc something had happened.
Bridging the small space between them, he ran his knuckles along Gus’s upper arm. “Everything okay?”
“Val broke a glow jar this morning and I barked at her because I was afraid she’d cut herself on the glass.” Gus huffed. “I hurt her feelings, she cried, and it sucked very much.”
Shit. Valerie wasn’t a big crier, but it was never easy to see her unhappy, particularly when you had no way to fix it.
“I’m sorry, man.” Madoc squeezed Gus’s shoulder. “She didn’t cut herself, right?”
“No. But she said some stuff after the crying that I want to talk about.”
“Okay. Though, I’d like to get off the floor before I can’t.”
They retreated to the kitchen while Valerie carried on watching her show, and Madoc tried the cake, which was stupid good, sweet and bright with citrus that made it hard to stop eating.
“What did Val say that you think I should know?” Madoc asked around a mouthful.
“She asked me to come live with you.” Gus grimaced when Madoc goggled at him. “I told her I couldn’t obviously, but then she said there’d be space upstairs at Tarek’s because he might not come back.”
Madoc frowned. “I don’t understand. Val knows T’s coming back. She made a ‘Welcome Home’ sign to hang in the loft and everything.”
“Well, there’s knowing a thing and then believing it.” After scrubbing his face with his hands, Gus dropped them onto the counter. “I think Tarek’s been gone long enough that Val’s stopped believing he has a return date. She’s said as much a couple of times.”
She has?
That couldn’t be right. If Valerie had questions about her uncle, she’d bring them to Madoc because they talked about everything.
Didn’t they?
Heat slid up the back of Madoc’s shirt collar. “When did Val talk to you about Tarek not coming back?”
“Today and a couple of weeks ago.” Gus frowned. “She worries, I think. Like about Tarek not coming back and the new kid-sitter staying overnight with her.”
“But … Val met Clea, and they hit it off right away.”
“I know. But I guess Val’s got it in her head that Clea might leave her alone. Maybe because Noelene did that sometimes?”
Madoc felt sick. “Did Val tell you her mom left her alone?”
“No, you did.”
“But Val has talked to you about Noelene?”
“Well, sure, a few times.”
“And what did she say on those times?”
Madoc knew his voice sounded off. That the irritation building in him was misplaced and foolish when of course Valerie talked to Gus about all kinds of things, so why not her mom? The uncertainty on Gus’s face had Madoc’s back up though, and fuck if he could get a handle on it.
“What did Valerie say about Noelene, Gus?”
“That Noelene seems down a lot,” Gus replied. “And that she’d rather be at work than be around Val.”
Madoc’s old friend grief swamped him then and he had to cut his gaze away from Gus as he replied. “You should have told me.”
“You’re right, I should have.” Gus’s voice was very quiet. “I thought Val was talking to you about the stuff with her mom. But now …”
Madoc glanced back at the pause and saw Gus biting his lip, his face troubled. “What?”
“I’m starting to wonder if Val’s not telling you things because she worries about how you’ll react. That you’ll think she’s making drama nobody wants.”
The air left Madoc’s lungs. ‘Drama nobody wants’ was an expression Noelene had used far too often around her family, particularly after their move to Boston. And if Gus was right, Valerie had come to believe Madoc viewed her through that same impatient lens. That Madoc might decide life with a six-year-old girl was so messy and complicated he needed to walk away, like her mom had.
A terrible, aching sorrow swirled through Madoc, pierced through with guilt. Valerie was the most precious thing in his life. She had to know Madoc would never leave, never turn her away.
Unless she didn’t.
But how had that happened? And why the fuck hadn’t Madoc noticed?
“You should have told me,” he said again, the tears he couldn’t shed hardening his voice. His outrage didn’t waver at all when Gus’s face fell even further. “Val is my daughter, and I need to know if she’s hurting or upset. You had no right to keep this from me, Gus, none at all.”
Gus’s hands came up, palms out in a gesture like surrender. “I wasn’t, I swear. I just?—”
“Daddy? Are you and Gus fighting?”
Madoc had never felt lower. Valerie was on the other side of the island when he looked left, glancing between Gus and Madoc with wide eyes. Her hands were clasped in front of her, fingers entwined so tightly her knuckles were white. She looked stricken. Maybe scared. And fuck, Madoc wanted to throw up just thinking that.
“She worries about how you’ll react.”
“No, my honey, we’re not fighting.” Holding out a hand, Madoc was relieved when she immediately zipped around the island to him. He scooped her up and put his nose in her hair, eyes closed tight as he focused on breathing in and out. “Gus and I were just talking.”
“You were talking really loud,” she said against his shoulder, and Madoc tried to smile past the ache in his chest.
He didn’t want his daughter or his friend feeling bad. Not over a mess that was Madoc’s to own and clean up. Gus looked miserable when Madoc glanced over at him too, thanks to Madoc’s big mouth.
But before Madoc could begin fixing things, he heard keys in the lock on the front door and a voice calling out, rough but dearly familiar.
“Madoc? Val?”
“It’s Tarek,” Madoc murmured to Gus, and Valerie perked up in his arms as a tall, broad-shouldered figure strode in. Tarek’s jeans and t-shirt looked a bit dusty, and he was sporting a thick, overgrown beard, but his blue eyes were bright beneath his battered Bruins cap.
“Hello, my people!” Tarek crowed. “What’s everyone up to?”
Valerie started giggling. “Uncle T, you got a rug on your face again!”
“That’s what happens when you live the mountain man life, silly!” Laughing, he rubbed his palms over the beard. “I was going to shave but decided it’s too glorious not to show off.”
There was a flurry of activity, Valerie in Tarek’s arms while he and Madoc exchanged hugs and Gus did his best to corral Lemonade who, oddly, seemed not to like the look of Tarek at all. She lashed her long tail as she eyed him, growling low when Gus picked her up.
“Ma’am,” Gus chided quietly. “Why are you acting like you’ve never seen a beard in your life?”
“When did you get a cat?” Tarek asked as he eyed Gus up and down, unabashedly staring at his prosthesis.
An urge to tell Tarek to keep his fucking eyes to himself swept over Madoc. He ‘saw’ Gus’s prosthesis, of course. Was never going to forget the socks and liners or the crutches and wheelchair Gus used when he felt like it or needed to. But Gus’s prosthesis was one part of the whole person Madoc liked very much and who deserved better than to be gawked at behind his back.
“That’s Princess Lemonade,” Valerie said to her uncle. “And she’s Gus’s adventure kitty.”
“Gus is my partner on the truck,” Madoc added, hoping his smile looked more natural than it felt on his face. “He’s been helping me out with kid-sitting while you were out of town.”
“Ah.” Tarek’s expression lightened a little, polite now that he felt his family’s attention on him. “Nice meeting you, man,” he said to Gus, “I’m Val’s Uncle T.”
“She talks about you all the time.” Gus’s grin was easy, and now that Lemonade was in the crook of his arm with her feet up, she was much calmer. “My dad’s a big fan by the way,” Gus said, “and I’d shake hands if this beastie didn’t need wangling. Madoc said you went northbound on the Appalachian Trail?”
“Uh, yeah!” Tarek set a wiggling Valerie back down on the floor. “My buddies and I try to hike the AT every year and this time we started in Georgia and trekked up through Tennessee and North Carolina. We reckon we clocked around four-hundred-fifty-six miles.”
“Nice,” Gus said with feeling. He stooped slightly so Valerie could treat Lemonade to some pats but flashed another interested glance in Tarek’s direction. “A friend and I did the White Mountains in New Hampshire last fall but that was only nine days.”
Madoc looked askance between his friends. Nine days? He couldn’t imagine hiking for nine hours, never mind over a week, and four-hundred-fifty plus miles was so legitimately bananas, his brain rejected the number out of hand.
Tarek, meanwhile, was blinking, no doubt startled by the idea of an amputee hiking up mountain ranges. “I love being up there during cool weather,” he said, “but I wanted to get back to Boston so Madoc and my sis didn’t think I’d defected permanently. Where is Noels, anyway?” He looked to Madoc. “Wondered if maybe she was down here with you all.”
“She’s been traveling,” Madoc replied, though he felt Valerie’s and Gus’s eyes on him. “I can fill you in over dinner.”
“I think that’s my cue.” Gus straightened up. “I’m going to get this grumpy chicken home to a beard-free environment so everyone can chill, including me.”
Valerie stuck out her lip. “But Daddy’s going to make sandwiches, remember? Then we were gonna have more rainy-day cake!”
“We can share sandwiches another time, Bug,” Gus said, though he sounded somewhat uncertain. “And you can give my share of the cake to your uncle to welcome him home.”
Gus got his and Lemonade’s stuff together, Valerie grumbling the whole time about having to say goodbye before her bedtime, a sentiment Madoc silently shared. It felt wrong watching Gus leave when they had stuff to talk about. When Madoc still had to apologize for acting like a giant fucking jerk and they’d had plans to spend tonight together.
Madoc didn’t know how to urge Gus to stay without making it weird though, particularly with Tarek eyeing them all, no doubt trying to decipher why Gus and his cat were in the apartment at all. So, Madoc let them go, knowing he couldn’t put off bringing Tarek up to speed on where things stood with Noelene.
A conversation that went as poorly as Madoc had always assumed it would.
“I can’t believe we don’t know where she is,” Tarek fumed. “Or that you haven’t gone after her!”
“Will you keep your voice down? I don’t want you waking up Val.” Madoc rubbed his hands over his face. “As for Noelene, she’s an adult, T, and my focus has been on Val and keeping my job.”
Tarek deflated instantly. “Shit. Why didn’t you call me? I would’ve come back from my trip the second I’d known.”
“And that is why I didn’t call,” Madoc said. “You needed the time away with your crew. We did okay too, once I had help with Val.”
“From your partner, yeah.” Tarek’s face took on a pinched expression. “You really think he’s the best choice of kid-sitter? You know, what with the fake leg and?—”
“Don’t go there, man.” Heat flared in Madoc’s chest. “Gus is more than capable of sitting for Val and he’s done a ton this summer helping me out.”
Been there for me in ways you don’t understand.
Shame flickered across Tarek’s expression but quickly disappeared. “Fine. I’m still going to talk to Noels about going back to rehab.”
“I don’t think rehab is what she needs this time, T,” Madoc said. “According to her, she hasn’t been gambling.”
“And that’s clearly bullshit. Why the hell else would she go AWOL?”
“Because she’s happier away from us.”
Tarek winced. “How the fuck can you say that? Noels cares about her family. I know she’s had a hard time doing the mom thing, but that doesn’t mean she won’t get better at it.”
Pain curled around Madoc’s heart. He’d come around lately to thinking Noelene did care about them in her own way. But she’d still let them down, especially Valerie.
“Noelene doesn’t want to get better at being a mom.” Madoc held Tarek’s gaze. “I know it and so does Val and I can’t …” He shook his head. “I’m not going to make my daughter live with someone who doesn’t want her, T. I’ve petitioned to end Noelene’s parenting hours. She knows and we have a court date in August to make that final.”
“God, Madoc.” Tarek began pacing, face twisted and bitter. “Why would you do that? When the fuck did you get so cruel?”
The tears in Tarek’s eyes sliced into Madoc. “I’m not trying to be cruel,” he said softly. “Making that decision gutted me. But Noelene left without notice and broke what little trust I had left in her. I’m done looking back and wondering over ‘what ifs.’ I need to do the right thing for my daughter and myself and move us forward which, honestly, may be the best for Noelene too.”
Pulling his wallet from his pocket, Madoc withdrew the note Noelene had left on his door and slid it across the table to Tarek. Madoc hadn’t read the note since he’d found it. But he recalled its contents perfectly.
I have to go.
I tried.
I can’t breathe when I’m here.
Madoc might never understand the demons Noelene was fighting, but the real cruelty would be to force her back into a situation where she felt crushed every day by her own life. To make Valerie live with a mother who couldn’t love her.
Valerie deserved more. And so did Madoc.
“I need to move on, T,” he said, “and so does my girl.”
Tarek was staring at Noelene's note, a sick expression on his face. “I’ll talk to her,” he said at last, voice rough as he slid the page back to Madoc. “You just have to give me time to fix everything.”
Refolding the note, Madoc slipped it back away. “Noelene not wanting to be a mom isn’t a thing that needs fixing, T. Lots of people don’t want to be parents,” he said, “and there’s nothing wrong with knowing that’s how you’re wired. But Val keeps getting caught in the middle of all this sad, heavy shit and it has to stop.”
They went around and around, Tarek’s outrage on his sister’s behalf laced with guilt and regret and a sorrow Madoc recognized only too well. But while Madoc comforted Tarek through his heartache, his resolve didn’t waver.
He would take care of his kid over everything.