Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
Monday, July 30, 12:30 P.M.
Gus jerked, his heart in his throat. He grabbed at the thing pressed against his shoulder and hung on, voice shaking around his order. “I said fall back !”
“Hey.” Madoc’s voice was low and soothing, his fingers firm around Gus’s. “You’re all right, Gus. You hear me? You’re safe.”
And Gus was. There was no fire and he wasn’t falling, and Madoc was beside him in the bed, his fingers caught in Gus’s death grip. Pushing his sleep mask aside with his free hand, Gus forced himself to loosen his hold on Madoc without letting go entirely.
“Sorry,” he croaked. “Nightmare.”
“S’okay.” Madoc threaded their fingers together. “What do you need?”
You, every day you’ll have me.
Gus ignored the fluttery feeling in his belly and ran the palm of his free hand over Madoc’s lightly furred thigh. “This,” he replied. “This n’ more sleep.”
“We should get up,” Madoc murmured. “Bet you’re hungry again.”
“I can eat later.” Gus moved his hand to Madoc’s crotch, smirking as he fingered the outline of Madoc’s hardening dick through the thin cotton boxers. “Besides, you’re already up.”
Madoc snorted at the dopey joke but quickly folded under Gus’s petting. While never passive, it was clear he enjoyed Gus taking the lead, and he looked entirely content lying back with his legs spread so Gus could settle between them. Madoc grabbed Gus’s ass and kissed him deep, and while Gus wasn’t sure his brain and body would cooperate to let him get off, he soaked in the good feeling of skin against his. Of Madoc holding him close.
They ground against each other a while, Gus pulling away to get the lube from the side table when at last his own desire rose warm and welcome inside him. Hands slick, he took hold of Madoc and Madoc tipped back his head with a moan, so fucking sexy.
“Oh, wow.” His hold on Gus grew deliciously tight, expression awed as Gus slid his own cock alongside Madoc’s so he could work them at the same time. “How the fuck does this feel so good?”
The wonder in his voice had Gus’s heart thumping. He loved watching Madoc lose himself like this, pupils blown wide and groaning as he lost it in hot, sticky splashes over the head of Gus’s cock. And man , that did it for Gus. He went off like a rocket seconds later, the intensity of the rush leaving him boneless and gasping.
Madoc made himself the big spoon behind Gus in the aftermath, his body wonderfully solid. But then Lemonade hopped up on to the bed, tags clinking softly as she literally climbed over both of them on her way to curling up somewhere near Gus’s knees.
“Whazzat?” Madoc muttered, already dozy again, and Gus had to laugh.
“It’s nothing,” he said, rubbing Madoc’s arm. “Just go to sleep.”
Gus tried to do the same in the silence that followed but gave up when echoes of the dream that’d woken him continued to flash through his head. He resorted to sketching awkwardly while lying on his side while his cat and partner slept on, something he’d done often since the change back to the night shift had disrupted not only Gus’s sleep patterns but the rest of his life.
Being back on regular duty—treating patients, the adrenaline rush, bantering back and forth with Madoc—all of it had been like slipping into a favorite sweater the night Gus had boarded A1 again, the fit natural and so very easy. Gus’d been in his element immediately, almost as if his time away from the truck had never happened at all.
Unfortunately, that’d also been the vibe in the locker room after the shift ended because Madoc had started talking about needing to get home to Valerie before Gus had even finished changing into his street clothes.
Like Gus hadn’t been a part of Madoc’s complicated, beautiful life for over a month. Or that a mere twenty-four hours ago, they’d been in Madoc’s bed, kissing each other awake instead of Madoc patting Gus’s shoulder on his way out the door.
“Really glad we have this back,” he’d said, throwing Gus a warm smile. “I’ll see you tonight!”
Gus had waved him out, then headed for home because … well, because what else was there to do? He’d expected to see less of the Walters family after his return to the night shift, of course. Just not for the time he shared with them to evaporate.
No more Q he had a sister of his own and would have been devastated watching Donna’s life implode the way Noelene’s had. It still sucked having to be around a dude who made faces when he caught Gus adjusting his leg and looked unbelievably tense anytime the topic of his queerness came up. Valerie simply asking to borrow Gus’s Pride bracelet made Tarek’s jaw go so tight it was a wonder the thing didn’t snap clean off his face.
Gus truly hated knowing one of the city’s beloved sports figures was an ableist homophobe. And how everything was infinitely more complicated because that ‘hero’ was someone Madoc and Valerie treasured. A family member Gus feared would flip out completely if he ever discovered Madoc was fooling around with Gus on the down-low.
And that was the part about the return to this ‘normal’ Gus struggled with most: sneaking around and lying to his crewmates and fam, a burden that increased on the daily.
Hiding had been fairly easy when Gus’d been stuck behind a desk at the station. He’d rarely seen Madoc during the day, while the kid-sitting had given him the perfect excuse to be around Madoc during their off hours. Now that they were back to spending most nights together on A1, Gus felt on guard all the time.
He couldn’t get too close or let his gaze linger on Madoc for too long, and simple gestures like sharing food in the canteen or inviting Madoc to a boxing workout with Connor and himself made Gus feel like he was under a microscope. He wondered all the time if he should just tell Madoc that he wanted more than fooling around behind closed doors but even more so if Madoc was at all ready to hear such a thing. Because Madoc didn’t seem to struggle at all with this double life they were living, always so good at playing it straight.
Enough that Gus was starting to feel like someone’s dirty little secret, a vibe he didn’t like one bit.
“What are these?” Madoc asked as he peered at the contents of a plastic tub he’d pulled from Gus’s freezer.
“Those were supposed to be a snack we’d eat on shift, you bum,” Gus scolded. They’d dragged themselves out of bed at last and were making omelets in the kitchen, and he’d asked Madoc to grab a bag of frozen vegetables. “Val and I made them for you.”
Madoc’s eyebrows went up. “For me? When?”
“Saturday. You were getting your hair cut.” Gus watched Madoc pluck several little purple-blue balls from the tub and pop them in his mouth. “They’re blueberry bites,” he said, “also known as bluebs dipped in yogurt then frozen.”
“Yo, these are good ,” Madoc said around his chewing. “Thank you for doing that with her,” he added. “I already know that was Val’s favorite part.”
Gus went all gooey at Madoc’s smile because he was a hopeless sap, and he quickly stuck some of the blueberry bites in his mouth to keep himself from saying stupid things.
“Since you brought up my girl,” Madoc said, “can I ask you a favor?”
“Of course. You need me to pick her up?”
“Next Tuesday if you can. I have court that day and I’d like to talk to Noels after, make sure she’s well.”
Gus resumed his omelet making. “No problem,” he said. “I’m having lunch with Ian and his beast dog that day, so I’ll already be near the North End.”
“Thank you.” Madoc chewed some more before turning a thoughtful expression on Gus. “You guys really like each other, huh?”
Gus cocked his head. “Yes?”
Madoc scrunched up his nose. “Sorry, that came out weird. It’s just … You and Ian make time to hang out on the regular and I can’t imagine doing that with Noelene.”
“Ian and I split up for very different reasons than you and Noelene did,” Gus reasoned. “And it took a while for he and I to get to where we are now.”
Because it was just the two of us. Ian and I didn’t have someone like Val making it harder both to let go and come back together.
“Can I ask what happened?” Madoc asked.
On reflex, Gus balked at answering. It wasn’t easy for him, talking about why he and Ian had fallen apart. But he didn’t feel right not answering when Madoc had been so honest with him about his own marriage breaking down.
Besides, wasn’t this the kind of talk Gus wanted to keep having with this man? The kind that went deeper than the surface stuff that always came so easily?
Gus poured the vegetables into the pan he’d heated and listened to them sizzle for a few seconds. Funny, the places he and Madoc chose to confide in each other. Beside the windows in Madoc’s apartment. Under the blanket fort’s roof. Nestled in Gus’s bed. Perched on the truck’s bumper beneath the night sky. The kitchens of the places where they lived and worked.
“Ian and I were so young when we met,” Gus said, “and that meant we did a lot of growing up while we were together. We knew we wanted the same things. Each other and our careers, good friends, good lives. No kids.” Gus watched surprise flash across Madoc’s face. “After I lost my leg, it was like that life didn’t fit me anymore. Or maybe it was me that didn’t fit, no matter how hard I tried.”
Madoc set the tub of frozen fruit aside and started breaking eggs into a bowl. “Are you saying you and Ian broke up over whether or not to have kids?”
“No. Ian might say otherwise if you asked him, but it wasn’t about kids or no kids. It was about me being fucked in the head and not dealing with it.”
“Gus.”
“It’s true. I wasn’t myself after the accident. I was in pain, felt shattered.” Gus ran his teeth over his bottom lip. “But I tried to pretend I was okay. That I could recover faster, come back harder than anyone predicted. That I was the Super Gus people imagined I was.”
“Shit,” Madoc said quietly. “I can’t even imagine.”
Despair whispered through Gus, familiar and terrible despite the passage of time, the losses he’d suffered raw all over again.
“Ian didn’t expect me to be super anything,” he said, stirring the vegetables in the pan. “He could see I was struggling and wanted to help. To talk wheelchairs and prosthetics and career options outside firefighting. And as dumb as it sounds, I couldn’t because it felt like giving up and I was already fighting like hell not to drown. I didn’t want to deal with my pain or fear, and I was incredibly tired of being a burden. So, I found people who made me feel like I wasn’t.”
“People like Ben?”
“People like Ben. I didn’t cheat on Ian—I would never have done that to him or any partner. I wanted to feel normal though, whatever that means, and I had an easier time doing that around Ben. Ian thought I chose Ben over him.”
“Did you?”
“No. I chose myself. Got caught up in my own head over the things I’d lost or couldn’t do anymore, and didn’t recognize I was taking Ian for granted. That he was scared and badly depressed and hurting in his own way. He needed help and I didn’t see it. And maybe I needed to focus on me at the time, but I hate that I let Ian down.” Gus frowned at Madoc. “That I hurt him so badly he had to walk away.”
Madoc set down the whisk he’d been using to mix the eggs and took Gus’s hand, sympathy pooling in his eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.” Sighing, Gus looked down at their joined hands. “After Ian ended things, I made a colossal mistake with Ben, which you know. But I did work on myself. Got therapy for my pain and the stuff going on in my head. I’ve learned not to look past stuff that hurts. And I think I’m a better friend to the people I care about now.”
“Good for you, Gus. I really mean that.”
“I know you do.” Gus squeezed Madoc’s fingers and relished the small touch. “You trying to get to a similar place with your ex and stop fighting?”
Madoc shook his head. “I’m not sure where I want to be with Noelene. But I think it’d be good for my own mental health if the conversations we have didn’t feel or sound like brawling.”
“Makes sense to me,” Gus said. “Fighting with Ian was hard on both of us, before and after we broke up. He deserved better.”
“He did,” Madoc agreed. “But so did you.”
Tears Gus didn’t want to shed made his throat thick. He hadn’t expected a pass for his shitty boyfriend behavior, but Madoc’s sympathy—the hug he pulled Gus into—was a balm Gus hadn’t known he’d needed.