Chapter 19
Durin
I yawn and drag my feet toward my old village, hoping to spot Farris somewhere along the way. I barely slept last night after my encounter with Rue. Sleeping in the dismal castle is already difficult enough, but last night took restlessness to a whole new level.
My dreams were filled with the vulnerable look in Rue’s eyes as she silently begged me to kiss her. Her pouty mouth falling open in disbelief when I wouldn’t. The taste of her tongue when I finally took what I wanted. It was so tame compared to what we’d already done, but this time, she chose to do it. Those few small moments are worth more to me than a lifetime of heats.
As perfect as the dreams were, a nagging reminder of who I am kept ripping me back out of them. I know I should have told her the truth. Kissing her wasn’t on my immediate to-do list. Getting to know her was my actual goal. It’s like I forgot who I was, lost in a life I could have had.
I shake off the impossible dreams and head through the brush to find Farris. It’s difficult to check for hidden doors and passageways in the castle when everyone can clearly see what I’m doing. Especially when Torren, a nosy shadow caster, seems to be following me everywhere I go lately.
I didn’t notice him at first. He glamours his hair black and has the only black uniform I’ve seen in the castle. He casts his shadows and hops from one to another blending almost seamlessly into the darkness. His weakness lies in his underdeveloped stealth. When I run or walk briskly, I hear him crunching along behind me.
I’m hoping Farris will illusion me as something that won’t be so noticeable. If Torren doesn’t see me coming in the castle, I can get a closer look without catching his attention.
Before I can get anywhere near my old village, Vernan emerges through the shadows of the trees. Seeing him appear in the forest stirs up memories I don’t wish to revisit. I halt my steps anyway and bury my discomfort. Hopefully, this will be a minor exchange, and I can move on.
He stops a few paces away, wearing the same blank look he had while watching Mitah torture the helpless shifter. It’s as if Vernan is an illusion himself–hollow and emotionless. He’s like a convincing facade, cast and controlled by someone dark and ugly.
“Folas is looking for you,” he says flatly.
I wait for more information, but that’s all he cares to give. Fuck Folas. I don’t take orders from him. Still, looking suspicious is the last thing I need. I have no choice but to give up my search for Farris and turn back toward the castle.
Vernan silently observes me as I walk away. I feel exposed under his gaze and uneasy having my back to him. He gives me a bad feeling. I can’t count him as an ally. Not without some heavy proof. For now, I’ll pretend to be cooperative and go see what Folas wants.
When I arrive at the castle grounds, I hear shuffling from the brittle bushes near the main doors. No creatures nest or hunt in the dead foliage around here. I look to the side just in time to see the edge of Torren’s black cloak slipping into the shadows. I’d love to send a blast of my fire to ignite the dead underbrush and set his fake shadow up in flames. But it’s better if he thinks he’s been successful in hiding from me.
Folas’s attention is far more concerning at the moment, anyway. He’s been avoiding me recently. I’m nervous about what might have given him the confidence to call for me now.
Just as I expected, he’s is waiting just inside the main doors, ready to pounce.
“Durin, nice to see you,” he says with a sinister smile. “You’ve been quite busy lately, haven’t you? Out in the woods, doing who knows what and who knows whom…”
No one knows about the heat except Farris. And no one has seen me anywhere near Rue, not even Torren. I made sure of it. I was never given any instruction on how much time to spend in the castle. He’s bluffing.
“I understand my expectations and my restrictions, Folas,” I drawl, knowing he’s trying to fluster me. I don’t know why he hates me so much, but I won’t let him get to me. He’s the least of my concerns.
“Folas, what is your official role?” I ask, deciding to rile him up.
He pauses in front of me and pulls in a sharp breath. After a few moments, he decides to ignore my question and just grunts at me to follow him.
“You’re a servant, aren’t you?” I press with a laugh as we walk in the direction of my room. “I thought you were some kind of fancy, castle-bound noble. Silly me. Those robes really had me fooled.”
He stiffens, and I can see the strain in his jaw from clenching his teeth.
“No,” he grinds out, opening my door for me. “I’m not a soldier of the queen, but I am no servant.”
I go to taunt him more, but he wins this round.
“The queen requires your services tonight,” he sneers, stepping back so I can enter my room.
I want to argue because it can’t possibly be the Radiant Season already. But I recall easily crossing over the shallower streams and the absence of pixies buzzing in my ears as they sleep away the hottest time of the year.
Folas is right–it is indeed the season’s change.
Rage billows in my chest, but I ball it up tightly and hold it there. I have to clench my fists as I enter my room to keep from ripping his face in half. What I would give to see those knotted curls go up in blue flames…
I slam my door and drop my clothing, trying to calm myself. I’ve been brought here to bathe, and the servants don’t deserve my wrath. I pace and take deep breaths until I feel more composed. Then, I wipe off my scowl and enter the bathing chamber.
The two kind servants are waiting with their hands clasped in front of them. The tub is filled, but no steam rises from the surface. I’m pleased to find they accepted my offer and didn’t bother themselves with heating it.
“Hello, lovely fae.” I smile, genuinely comforted by their friendly faces.
I dip my hands in the water and release the heat that was meant for Folas. The servants’ eyes widen as they watch the water take on an almost milky haze from the heat. When the temperature is right, I stand and turn to them.
“What are your names?” I ask. “If you’ll share them.”
“Leah,” the young one says. “And this is my mother, Sarra.”
Sarra huffs at her before getting down to business. “Let’s get you washed up.”
I sigh and begin to glamour my curls away, as well as the hair that’s regrown beneath my arms.
“I didn’t realize the Radiant Season had arrived,” I mumble, trying to mask my trepidation. “At least I should be free for a while after tonight.”
“Last time was off schedule. The next one won’t come so quickly,” Sarra says, her tone warmer than usual.
“The season honestly slipped my mind,” I say, stepping into the water. “I haven’t seen the queen in a while.”
I’ve only caught glimpses of her as I pass by the throne room or as she’s walking to her chambers. She rarely even acknowledges me. But it’s been days since I’ve seen her at all.
“She was communing in the forest,” Leah says, stepping up to wash my hair.
“Communing?” I ask, bowing my head so she can reach. “Communing with whom?”
“Faerie,” she says. “Before the season’s change, she spends time among the giant trees behind the castle. We think that’s how she maintains her connection with the realm.”
I hum as Sarra scrubs me with that awful cloth, wondering what this ritual entails. Is it required to maintain her rule? Does it do anything for her physically? I should pay closer attention to the passing of time. Observing one of these communal rituals could give me some invaluable insight.
“So, at each season’s change, she spends time connecting with the realm. Then, she calls on her consort…” I think aloud.
They remain quiet as they finish getting me ready, allowing me to think. I try to organize the pieces of information I’ve collected so far. Nothing fits together yet, but it will. I just need to be more diligent in gathering information and picking up on what’s happening around me.
When the servants are finished, I step out and allow them to dry me and help me into a silk robe like the one I wore last time.
“Thank you for your insight,” I tell them. “Can I do anything for you in return?”
“No, dear,” Sarra says, patting my hand, but Leah doesn’t agree.
“I’ve always wanted to try those fruit puffs they make in the kitchens. They never let the servants have any!”
I chuckle. “Consider it done.”
Sarra gives me a sad smile. “We’ll leave you fresh water in case you want to clean up after.”
“Thank you,” I tell her. Then, I take a deep breath and walk toward my door. I’ll free them from this task when the queen falls. They deserve better than an endless cycle of washing bodies that can never be made clean.
As I make my way to the queen’s room to fulfill my duty, I feel the filth creeping back onto my skin. I gather my thoughts and feelings for Rue and wrap them up tightly. Then, I tuck her away, deep inside my heart, where she’ll be safe from what lies ahead. I can’t bring her along for this. All I can do is hope the empath is there to help me endure it.
***
He is not. I endure hours with the queen without the false desire the empath gifted me before. Maybe it was an initial mercy, and I’m on my own now. Luckily, the queen seemed distracted this time. It kept her attention off my struggle to stay erect and got me out of there faster. But no matter how hard I scrub or how hot I make the water, I can’t remove the slimy feeling from my skin.
I grab some of the puffs from the kitchens and leave them on my table for Leah to find in the morning. As I crawl into my bed, I wonder if I even want to wake up tomorrow. My mission against the queen is crucial, but I already feel so defeated. Even if I manage to find victory, I’ve still lost a part of myself to her–a part I should have shared with someone else. Someone with silky black hair and piercing green eyes. Someone beautiful and pure.
And someone who deserves purity in return. How can I possibly continue to see her, to touch her, to kiss her again when I feel so unclean? I promised to return to her, and I will, but only after I’ve had time to shake off this repulsive feeling.
When I do see her, I’ll have to tell her the truth. Or tell her that I’m never coming back.