Constantine: Britain’s Story Part 2 (Spearhead Lake)

Chapter 10

Britain

Wearing a stupid smile on my face, I walk back inside to find Jess and Damian right where I left them, staring at me from the great room. I blanch.

“What?” I ask them. Damian is just standing there in what seems like shock, while Jess gives me the same stupid smile I was just wearing.

“Girrrrllll. If you don’t want him, I do.” I burst out laughing, but Damian is still standing there, dead in the water. It’s probably pretty jarring to see your spouse making out with someone else for the first time, in…ever.

“Sorry you had to see that, Damian.” I say sorry from a place of politeness, but I’m not actually sorry, at all.

“Yeah, I’m sorry, too. Probably could’ve gone the rest of my life without seeing that.” I can tell from his tone alone, he’s fucking pissed. Without another word, he walks straight out of the great room, heading out to the back patio. Jess and I just look at each other for a moment.

“Don’t even trip about him. He wants to have his cake and eat it, too.” Jess is right. He left me. He filed for divorce. But somehow he wants me to never move on. I just shake my head and try my best to let it blow over. Not my circus.

“Soo,” Jess sidles up next to me, “What were you guys doing out there?” I blush hard.

“Nothing. Just talking.”

“My ass!” Jess exclaims. I just laugh then head over to grab the pastry box off the entry table. We move back into the kitchen, taking our respective spots around Eden.

“We were kissing.” I flip open the box of pastries and pull out a roll for her and me.

“You were kissing, and…”

“That’s it, just kissing.”

“Girl, I could hear you moan through the door.”

“Oh my gawd, that’s mortifying. And Damian heard it, too?”

“Uh, yeah, but who cares about that. So, you guys all made up? A quickie against the front door to seal the deal?” Jess waggles her eyebrows up and down in a hopeful expression.

“We did not have sex against the front door, just so you know, but I think we made up. Not that we were really in a fight, but he apologized for yesterday and I did, too. And Jess,” I give her a knowing look, “when he kissed me, I felt it again. Like him and I could be something.”

“Well, I’d be concerned if you didn’t feel anything. I mean, Christ, the man is a walking cologne advertisement. Just hear me out, okay? Look at the child I made with Tommy. Gorgeous, right? Imagine what our children would look like?” I laugh. I know she’s joking…I think.

“We’d all look like ogres compared to your family. I know it.”

“And you said he has brothers?”

I laugh again. “Yeah, three of em’. Hey, everything alright with you and Tommy?” The question is only partly serious.

“Oh, yeah. We’re just in a dry spell right now. Just kind of missing the mark with each other. You know how it goes.” Do I ever.

“Yeah, I know. But if you want to talk or vent about it, I’m all ears.”

“Stop deflecting. When are you getting in bed with Matthias?”

“I don’t know, Jess. I want him, and trust, I wanted him to take me on the front porch, but I still think I gotta take it slow. And it’s not exactly like we have all the opportunity in the world. Bit of a full house out here. But he did ask me out tomorrow night. There’s a Greek festival in town. It happens once a year…it’s actually where he took me on our very first-ever date.”

“That’s sweet. You better have said yes, B.”

“I did. I said I’d go.”

“Good, I’ll pick out your clothes.”

“Okay, but nothing too crazy. It’s hot at the festival and I just want to be comfy.”

“Yeah, I meant while I’m here, period, I’ll be picking out your clothes. But don’t worry, tomorrow I’ll keep it light and breezy.” She gets a mischievous look in her eye, and I grow slightly concerned she’s going to put me in a wispy, barely-there dress circa Jennifer Lopez at the 2000 Grammys.

The drive up to Spearhead was entirely uneventful. Damian didn’t say a single word and Jess and Eden both cat napped. As we start to approach the main strip of town, I try to bring them all back to consciousness, gently.

“So this is it, guys. Don’t blink or you’ll miss it.” I slow the car considerably and roll down the windows to let in the scent of the pines.

“On the left is the restaurant, Colton’s. We’ll have to go there one night. Next to it is Sandy’s cafe and Maggio’s.” Pointing out the other side of the car, “And there’s the gas station, grocery store, and diner. And that’s it!” I sort of laugh. Lamest tour ever.

“Wow,” Jess deadpans. Classic New Yorker. Damian remains silent. I thought when you divorce someone, it means you get to stop dealing with their tantrums? I remind myself, though, not my circus.

I park off to the side of The Grounds, behind Sandy’s Suburban. Sliding out of the car, I smooth the wrinkles out of my favorite midi dress. Then, standing tall, I inhale the fresh air that seems to roll off the evergreens. My chest rises and falls, slowly releasing any tension I might be holding on to. There’s just something about this place that puts me at ease in a way I can’t describe. It always smells like better days, happier times. Fresh yet rich.

“Want me to get Eden for you?” I ask Jess. I’m trying to give her as many little breaks as possible while she’s here, but it’s also good for me to practice for this whole “baby” thing. It’s been a lot of years since the last time I’ve had to do this.

“Sure! She’s all yours.” Jess moves aside so I can unbuckle Eden from the carseat. Once she’s tucked into my side, I turn around to find Damian waiting right behind me, holding the door. Even when he’s grumpy, he’s still a gentleman.

“Thanks, Damian.” All I get is a wordless nod in response.

“So this is the famous ‘Grounds’?” Jess asks.

“This is it,” I smile, joining her as we walk to the front door. “Oh, you have to try the pastries. Jim makes everything himself.” I pause as we all walk through the door that Damian is holding open. “I’m telling you, his croissants…”

“Britain?” That voice. Electric chills run down my spine. I turn to look in its direction just in time to see Liam shoot to his feet, sending his chair sliding across the checkered floor. He’s as devastatingly handsome as I remember in a plain gray tee and black jeans that look like they were cut to his muscular body. He has a look of surprise painted all over his face and I freeze, my body seemingly turning to stone. This isn’t real. I’m losing my fucking mind because these delusions are getting way too real.

I turn to look at Jess, but she’s looking at me with the same wide-eyed, stricken expression. Okay, so maybe this is real. This is happening. My stomach free falls as I try to make sense of him being here. He just came back, I guess. I mean, I knew it was inevitable, I just didn’t think it’d be so soon.

Sensing something isn’t right, Eden starts to fidget and whine. With trembling hands, I hand her back to her mom, then turn back to my ex-fiancé. Just hearing the words roll through my brain hurts. Ex-fiancé. Does it even count if it was for less than 24 hours? I mentally shake free from that thought. It doesn’t matter. I’m nothing to him now. I suppose that means he’s nothing to me either. I remember my place, and move to excuse myself.

“I-I, forgot something in the car. I’ll be right back,” I say it more to myself than to anyone else. Ducking back out the door that Damian is still holding partially open, I move with quick strides to the car. This is good. I mean, not really, this is fucking awful, but good in that I can do what I’d planned to do if I ever saw him again. I can check another thing off my to-do list, and he can be free of me like he wants.

“Britain, wait!” I hear the front door of the cafe close as he calls out to me, but I don’t stop. Unlocking the car, I reach over to my purse and rifle around until I find what I’m looking for. When I turn back, Liam is right in front of me, just like I’ve dreamed of for weeks. The shock of seeing him is one thing, but his close physical presence is more than I was prepared for. I don’t know whether to cry or yell or vomit. All I know is I have to push down the overwhelming urge to throw myself into his arms. So I do. I push that feeling down, deep and far away from my consciousness because he’s not holding his arms open for me. That’s not who we are anymore. So instead, I hold out the card for him to take.

“What’s this?” He asks, taking the card and turning the thick piece of cardstock over in his hand.

“It’s my lawyer's card. He has all the paperwork ready for you.” He looks at me, completely confused. “So you can officially terminate your parental rights.”

Liam

Gut-wrenching. It’s the only word I have to describe this feeling. I just shake my head back and forth, trying to grapple with how to respond. All I want to do is wrap her up in my arms, hold her tight, and never let her go. But that’s not my reality. The reality is she thinks — I’ve made her think — I don’t want her or our child.

“I, uh…I won’t be doing that.” She tilts her head in confusion before clasping her trembling fingers together. She looks distraught and so fucking tired, and it kills me to see her like this. She’s lost weight, too. Too much, except for her bump. If you didn’t know her, you might not notice, but there’s nothing about Britain I wouldn’t notice. Even in her loose sundress, I can see where she’s swollen and round. My chest feels like it’s on fire seeing her…like this.

My eyes fill with tears when I look down at where Britain and our child are growing and more than anything I’ve ever wanted, I just want to reach out and hold them both. My whole fucking world standing right in front of me. I reach for her, gently, testing her comfort level, but she flinches back and away from me. Yeah, I thought that might happen, but it doesn’t hurt any less. My heart slams into my chest painfully, and I drop my hand back down to my side.

“Britain, I made a mistake. A really awful, terrible mistake. I never meant to hurt you.” Please, baby. Believe me. She doesn’t move. She barely blinks, her expression seeming unmovable. “I wrote you a letter, I left it for you. I thought you would get it when you went home, after you left Colton’s that night.”

“I never went back to your house after Colton’s.” Your house. Right, it’s not her home anymore. I die a small death at that realization. “You didn’t need to write me a letter to tell me you didn’t want to be with me. You could have just used your words instead of being a coward. You could have not done it in front of everyone I know here. You could have not left me for dead the second you turned your back on me.” Burn, I deserve that.

“First, that’s not what the letter said, Britain. I never, not for one minute, have stopped wanting you.”

“Stop lying.” Her voice trembles, breaking me. “I don’t know what you want from me, or what purpose I served in your life, but you don’t have to pretend anymore.” She drops her head to hide her tears. Fuck, no.

“Britain, stop. The only thing I want, the only thing I’ll ever need is you. You just have to let me explain.” She doesn’t say anything, and now she won’t even look me in the eyes. “Baby, please.” My words come out choked and painful.

She looks up at me, her eyes pooling with tears. “I’ve only just started getting used to the fact that what we had or what we were wasn’t…real. At least not for you. Please don’t come back into my life and ruin all the progress I’ve made. I don’t deserve this. I don’t know what I did to deserve any of this, but I can’t do it again. Please, just leave me alone.”

My throat starts burning. “I’m not going anywhere, Britain. Not now, not ever. What we have is real.” My voice sounds raspy, my throat strained with pain.

“You know, you really had me believing that,” she laughs viciously as tears fall down her cheeks. “You made me promise that I’d never leave you. But here we are, Liam.” Her voice drops, sounding smaller than I’ve ever heard. “Everyone leaves me…and in the end, you did, too.” Goddamnit, this is breaking my fucking heart.

“You’re wrong. I won’t ever leave you, or our child. I promise from this day forward, never again. If I had known, I would have never left.”

“Well,” she scoffs, “I don’t want, or need, anyone to stay with me because of a baby. I don’t need your pity, Liam, I already get it from almost everyone else. I don’t need anything from you. At all.” Her voice is so low it’s barely perceptible. The odds of me coming out of this with her by my side are starting to dwindle.

“I don’t pity you!” It comes out louder than I wanted, so I lower my voice before continuing. “I would have stayed and done anything and everything to make you happy in hopes you’d never leave me. Britain, I left to give you a chance with Matthias. That’s it. That’s the only reason. You need to read the letter I wrote because I’m going to screw this all up, which is the exact reason I wrote it all down in the first place. Not being with you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I thought I was doing what was best for you.” She just stares up at me, unmoving and not speaking. I’m just about to speak again when she beats me to it.

“You’re a coward, Liam Millar.” Her tone is ice cold as she pushes against my chest with both hands before yelling, “YOU’RE A COWARD! I told you I loved you more than anyone else! Anyone. I told you that, and you chose not to trust me and then you abandoned me, just like everyone else!” I’ve never heard Britain shout like this before.

“Okay, that’s enough.” The woman who was with Britain earlier comes around the side of the car. “You need to leave her alone.” She looks at me as she says it. I don’t know what to do, though. I can’t leave it alone — her alone — but I’m only making things worse.

Reluctantly, I take a step away from Britain who has gone back to refusing to look at me. Like taking a dagger to the chest, realization is starting to sink in. This is it. Done. I’ve caused irreparable damage. “I’m sorry, Britain.” They’re the only words I can manage to get out without choking.

“Just leave me alone, Liam.” She says it so quietly, I know it’s what she really wants, but I can’t stop myself from trying one more time.

“Please, Brit–”

“I’m with someone else.” She cuts me off and cuts me deep. Just like that, my whole world comes crashing down. There’s nothing if she’s not in it. I’m nothing. I knew this was a possibility, I just always hoped she’d choose me. Britain starts regaining her composure, while mine slowly slips away. My hands start to shake and I feel a tear break free, running down my face and off my chin.

I don’t even have to ask, I already know she’s with him. I take a few more steps away from her, my feet feeling more and more unsteady by the second.

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone, and, um, I’ll reach out to your lawyer about custody.” I hold up the card she gave me with a slight tremble in my voice and in my hand. The woman, who I’m starting to believe is Jess, wraps an arm around Britain and turns her body in the opposite direction as me, like a bodyguard shielding their principal from a threat.

They start to walk away, but I stop them. “Wait,” it comes out more like a croak, “your stuff, all of your stuff is at the house. Do you want–”

Britain interrupts me, “You can–” but she’s quickly cut off by Jess.

“I’ll come pick it all up tomorrow.” Her tone is authoritative and devoid of warmth, leaving me with no other option than to just nod. I look Britain in the eyes one last time before her friend shields her from me once again. I’ll never forget that look for the rest of my fucking life. She hates me.

Britain

I hoped hurting him would make me feel better, but it didn’t. The look on his face when I told him I was with someone else will be burned on my brain for eternity. He’s either the best fucking actor, or it really hurt him as much as I’m hurting now.

Jess turns my body away, but I look him in the eyes one last time, and the only thing running through my mind is, why can't I stop loving you? But it doesn’t matter. I don’t trust him. I can’t trust him, and my heart could never withstand this unbearable kind of pain again.

“Jess,” I dig my heels in to stop her pursuit. “I just need a minute. I can’t go back in there just yet.” She releases me from the firm hold on my shoulders, giving me a stern look.

“Fine. But if you’re not back inside in 15 minutes, I’m coming to get you.”

“Yeah, I know,” I say quietly, shakily. Jess gives my shoulders a squeeze before letting me go and heading back inside.

I’m standing halfway between my car and the entrance, stuck in limbo with Liam behind me and my family in front of me. All I want is to turn around and look at him, to soak him in, even run back to him. But I can’t. That’s not us anymore. Instead, I’ll do what I always do: Break down and feel awful, even if it’s just for five minutes. So I walk past the cafe and around to the other side of the building.

Putting my back against the bumpy log wall, I pray it’ll hold me up. Then, with shaking hands and legs, I cry. Why does it have to hurt so much? Why do I still love him? Why am I such a crybaby?!

Eventually, the gruff sound of a male clearing his throat jolts me back to reality and I open my eyes to see Damian standing in front me.

“Have you come to gloat?” I ask him between sniffles.

“No,” is all he says before wrapping me up in his warm arms and comforting me. It’s not the kind of embrace you would get from an ex-husband or former lover. No, right now, he's here as my oldest friend, my closest companion, and he soothes me.

“It’s okay, darling, let it all out,” he says while tucking my head beneath his chin and pulling me into him more snuggly. So I do. I let it all out.