Chapter 11
Liam
I knew the chances of things going the way I wanted them to were slim, so you’d think I’d be ready for when she told me she was with someone else. Nope. The only thing I know for certain is I’ll never be ready to hear those words. Not in my fucking lifetime. Her words acted like stray pieces of shrapnel, embedding themselves deeply in my psyche forever.
I can’t get my hands to stop shaking as I take the business card she gave me and slip it into the bill fold of my wallet. She wants me to terminate my parental rights? Again, not in my fucking lifetime. Never.
I know what I need to do, but I can’t. Not yet.
Instead, I stand in front of her car for several minutes, unmoving. Her car, a new SUV, already with a carseat in the back. Just one decision of many she’s probably made in my absence. The realization kills me. She’s already dropped me from the roster, removed me from the decision making list, and replaced me with somebody else. Did he help her pick out a new car? Do they live together? Is that why she moved? Does he go to all the doctors appointments?
The last thought eviscerates me. My heart’s pounding so hard I can feel every vein in my body throb, each beat a painful reminder that it’s alone. The one it beats for is lost to me…maybe forever.
As painful as it is, I admit defeat and start the arduous task of moving through life without Britain. Putting one unsteady foot in front of the other, one at a time. I step back into the cafe to gather my stuff, but as soon as I open the door, every pair of eyes lands on me with one set standing out above the rest. Jess. Her and her vicious glare move towards me in a menacing manner.
“What’s your phone number and address?” Britain’s guard asks with all the friendliness of a hungry momma bear complete with a baby bear perched on her hip.
“Uh, sure, let me just write it down for you.” I head towards the counter for a pen and piece of paper from the receipt printer while my death by a thousand glares continues. The girls don’t say a single word to me, and Sandy only gives a sympathetic sigh before shaking her head in disappointment. I quickly jot down the information as the urgent need to leave ramps up. The cafe is starting to feel suffocating. I have to get the fuck out of here.
I hurriedly hand over the slip of paper to the dark-haired woman and say, “I’ll pack everything up. If you want, I can drop it off and save you a trip up the mountain.”
“No,” she says as she stares at me harshly. “Britain deserves her privacy. I’ll come get it. What time?” Right, they don’t want me to know where she lives. That’s where we’re at.
“Anytime. I’ll be home.” I can’t exactly go into work, and I’ve got no life. Where the fuck else would I be? She just nods curtly at me, and I swear the baby mimics her actions. Even babies fucking hate me. Unbe-fucking-lievable. “It’s Jess, right?” She just nods once. “Right, I’m sorry to finally meet you like this, but for what it’s worth, I never wanted to hurt her, and I’ll never stop loving her.” I drop my head to hide the tears as I pick up my newspaper and coffee cup, needing to be anywhere but here.
“It’s not worth much, but I know,” Jess says, then turns around and walks away from me, and I don’t know whether I’m glad or sad. She knows I love Britain and I wouldn’t want to hurt her, but it means nothing. I’ve proven to Britain that I’m just like the rest. Like her dad, like Matt, like her ex — I’m just another Walkaway Joe.
Britain
Damian’s hand moves up and starts stroking my hair softly as he says to me, in his low voice, “I know you don’t want to talk about it with me, but I do feel like it’s worth saying, I never saw you like this after I left…”
I roll my eyes because talking to my ex husband about the guy I’m still desperately in love with sounds like my idea of hell, but there’s the other part of me that knows he’s right. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and never acted this way either. Not during, and not after. It only hurts this bad now because it was so good.
I think about Matthias, and what it was like when he dumped me, but I’m coming up empty. I can barely remember how I used to feel before Liam. Like he took up so much of my consciousness, I had no choice but to let go of the old memories, the ones I had no use for anymore. Damian’s right that it was never like this when he left me, because I never loved Damian like I love Liam. Like I love Liam, not past tense.
Damian keeps going when I don’t respond, “And I know it’s not my place to say, but I don’t think jumping into another relationship is the right thing to do, Brit.” I instantly feel ashamed. Of course I shouldn’t be throwing myself into another relationship right on the back of this horrendous mess. But at the same time, what do I have to lose? My self-respect? Practically non-existent. My reputation? Also, gone. I’m an unwed woman who got knocked up after being with her boyfriend for a month. And at this point, what’s another broken heart? And why the fuck does Damian think he can give me any sort of unsolicited advice? All this, coming from the man who literally jumped from our bed to another is bull.
I pull out of his embrace before speaking. “Damian, you have absolutely no right to make that kind of assessment or pass any judgment on me after everything you’ve done. You left me. You don’t get to keep making me feel bad about how I live my life anymore.”
He reaches out, bracing both hands on my shoulders. “I am not judging you. And you’re right that I don’t have any right to say this. I’m just letting you know that one of my biggest regrets is going straight to Summer after us.” I don’t think he can technically say that since he went to Summer before “us” even ended, but okay… “I just wish I would’ve done it differently, that's all. And I just thought I’d give you the advice I wish someone would’ve given me.” I’m a little taken aback.
“I thought you and Summer were doing great, really happy, headed to the altar, no?”
“She’s not you, Brit.” He gives me a half smile, and his one-sided dimple becomes visible. He shrugs, “But also, I’m not him,” then nods behind me at the Range Rover that’s just pulled out onto the highway. The one day I’m distracted by Eden and fail to scope out the parking lot is the day he comes home. Of course. I have the rest of my life to think about that, though. Damian is here with me now.
“Damian…I never wanted you to leave.”
“No, but I couldn’t stay. We both know that, Brit.” He says as he wipes a stray tear off my cheek with his thumb. “We both want something the other can’t offer. Doesn’t mean I’ve stopped loving you or wanting you in my life.” I nod silently, his words ringing true. I still want Damian in my life, too. But him and I romantically together just don’t work.
I laugh softly. “So is this the beginning of a beautiful friendship, Damian?” And he laughs, too.
“Sure is, sweetheart.” Using the sleeve of his shirt, he dries my tears then drapes an arm around my shoulder, tugging me to walk with him back into the cafe. “Alright, what’s the pregnant woman’s equivalent of getting drunk?” I laugh at his question.
“Umm, tacos? Better yet, all-you-can-eat guac! Or…” I rack my brain, “Oh, I know! A second cup of coffee.”
“Done, we’re getting you a second cup of full-caff coffee and then I’m finding you the best tacos in the valley for dinner tonight.” I pull him to a stop right as we get ready to head back into The Grounds.
“I still love you, too, okay?”
With watery eyes, he nods and says, “Okay,” then opens the door to a captive audience.
I chuckle lightly, trying to keep the mood light and not like I just lost my shit in the parking lot on my baby daddy. “No heads up, guys? What the heck?” The girls stay quiet, letting Sandy do the talking.
She makes her way around the counter, coming over to me. “We weren’t expecting you till later. Sorry, baby, but it was bound to happen eventually.” She squeezes my arm softly before leaning in for a quick hug. She whispers in my ear as she does, “It’ll all work out in the end. Don’t sweat it, sugar,” then moves away to clear a dirty table.
The girls are busy talking to their dad, so Jess moves up beside me. “Are you okay?” She says it quietly.
“Yes. No. I think I’m still in shock. Talking with Damian helped, actually. I just still don’t really understand. Liam told me he left to give me a chance to be with Matthias. But…I’m not really sure what to make of that just yet.”
“Hmm,” is all Jess says in response, then a moment later, “Do you believe him?”
“I don’t know,” which is 100% the truth. I don’t trust him, but it does make things make sense, maybe…sort of. Ultimately, though, does it make things better? No. “Does it even matter if I do or not?”
“Word.” The way Jess says it gives me pause. There’s a knowing in her tone. She knows what this is like.
“Okay, seriously, is everything okay between you and Tommy?” She shrugs, repositioning Eden onto her other hip.
“Yeah, we’ll be fine.” I eye her suspiciously. ‘We'll be,’ not ‘we are.’
“Alright, I’ve got an iced, almond milk, vanilla latte courtesy of the best baristas in Spearhead.” Damian announces, handing me over my cup of ambrosia.
“Oh my god, thank you, Damian,” I say before calling over his shoulder, “Thank you, girls!” And they smile back at me.
Damian’s advice echoes in my mind. Jumping right into things with Matthias might not matter to me in the long run, but what kind of example am I setting for the girls? That they always need a man in their life? That they can’t stand alone? That’s some patriarchal bullshit. However I do want the girls to be able to make decisions about who’s in their life based on whether that person is good for them, not from some deep-seated trauma their mom pushed on them in their formidable years.
Before I let my mind wander fully into that battle, though, Sandy circles back, joining Damian, Jess, and myself. I assume introductions were made after I ducked out, but just in case, I try my best to do the polite thing. “Sandy, this is Jess, and her daughter, Eden. And then this is Damian, the girls’ dad.”
Sandy beams at Jess, “Oh yes, we’ve met already, haven’t weee?” She says to Eden in a soothing baby voice. Born to be a grandma, truly. “And, Damian.” Her tone dries up, “Yes, we’ve met.” I love Sandy. A small giggle breaks free from my mouth.
“Well, what time do the girls get off their shift? I can take Damian and Jess down to see the lake if it’ll be awhile still.”
“Oh no, they’re good to go. Girls!” Sandy calls out to them, “You’re free! Go pack up and say bye to Grandpa.” They just nod and head back behind the curtained walkway.
“Thanks again for having them, Sandy. I really appreciate it.”
“They’re a delight to have around, baby. And Jess, honey, if you want a sitter so you and Britain can get out, I’m happy to take the babycakes. I gotta practice for the new little one!” She gestures down to my belly.
“I might have to take you up on that, Sandy,” Jess says with a smile. The girls come out from the back with backpacks slung over their shoulders. They each give Sandy a kiss on the cheek, then turn toward us to leave.
“We’re ready,” Elodie says, walking straight into her dad’s waiting arms.
As we walk to the car, Caroline finds me at the back of the pack. “Are you okay, Mom?” She asks in the same quiet voice we share. My initial reaction is to say yes, to tell her I’m completely fine, but I’m not. She knows I’m not probably more than anyone. She’s seen the tears and the sleepless nights, and while I wish she hadn’t, it’s okay that she did. Because that’s life. Everything doesn’t always come up roses. It’s hard, but eventually it will get better. That’s what I have to show her.
I pull Caroline into my side and say, “Not really, babe, but soon I will be because I’ve got the best daughters and the best friends in the whole world.” She leans slightly into my side as we make our way to the car, and I think I need to start believing that. I just ran into the one person who has the power to bring my whole world crashing down, and I survived it.
“Oh my god, Mom, you were so loud,” Elodie says to me as we all pile in through the front door.
“No, I was not!” I say indignantly.
“Girl! Yes, you were,” Jess inserts herself.
“Mom, I love you, but you sounded like a cat choking on a furball literally the entire car ride home,” Caroline interjects with exquisite timing.
I just laugh, “God, that sounds awful. Next time, please wake me up.” The last thing I need is to be some viral video the girls post to TikTok. I can see the caption now, “Old woman sounds like dying cat while she sleeps.”
Once we’ve all made it inside, Jess excuses herself to put Eden down for a nap. The girls tromp off to their rooms to drop backpacks and Damian is still outside on a work call, giving me the opportunity I need.
I’m glad I fell asleep on the way home. Otherwise I would have spent the entire time obsessing over what I’m about to do. As I walk up the stairs, my stomach twists and turns with each step. My hands are already sweating and my heartbeat picks up. There’s probably nothing, I say to myself in preparation for what I assume is the worst.
I walk straight to my closet and open the top drawer. It only takes a second to fish out the phone and power it back on. Once I do, my stomach plummets to the floor as I receive notification after notification. After weeks with not a single one, here they finally are, in the palm of my hand. My fingers tremble as I look to see 10 new voicemails, each one from Liam. I don’t hit play, though, I just move on to the text messages. 18 new text messages and they’re mostly from yesterday, before I saw him today…
Liam
Bambi, pick up the phone.
Please.
I just need to explain.
Baby, I’m sorry. Please call me back as soon as you can.
I’m headed your way, not that I know where that is, but please call me.
Britain?
I didn’t see any of your text messages until today. I’ll explain it all when I see you.
If I see you.
Please respond, Britain.
And from sometime after midnight this morning:
I understand you’re shutting me out, I get it. And I know you might not ever see these, but here’s my responses to your messages.
I wish I would have come back that afternoon and talked to you. I wish I would have put my stupid pride aside and told you how much I fucking love you and that without you, I’m nothing. It’s only ever been you for me, too.
I don’t know what happened and why you’re at the hospital, but I wish I was there with you. I could have told you in person how happy I am that you’re pregnant. I thought my chest was going to explode when I found out, it was one of the happiest moments of my life, followed by my lowest when I realized I’d fucked it all up.
You didn’t do anything wrong and there will never be anyone else. You were it for me. Asking you to marry me was the best decision I’ve ever made. My biggest mistake was leaving that same day. I’m sorry. You’re more than enough, Britain, and I’d gladly spend the rest of my life trying to prove that to you. I’m the fool, not you. Me.
I promise you, the only thing I want is you and our child. I promise. I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel differently. I’m sorry, baby.
This is starting to sound pathetic, isn’t it?
When I reread your weekly updates, I feel like dying knowing I’ve missed out on appointments and taking care of you. You deserve better, Britain. It sounds like maybe you are better off without me.
And from this afternoon:
I just want you to be happy, Britain. I’m sorry it couldn’t have happened with me and I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to make it that way. Hopefully, though, someday you’ll let me be a part of our child’s life, and if you feel like letting me, I’ll be here. Waiting however long it takes. Again.
I love you, and our little Bambi, too. Always.
Little Bambi. My chest gets tight and painful, and the tears fall silently. I have been waiting for this moment since the day he left, and now here it is, and I’m paralyzed. I don’t know what to do.