19. NOAH
Chapter 19
NOAH
25 YEARS OLD
I ’d say I’ve had a lot of bad days in my life. I’ve been to war multiple times, after all. I’ve seen people die. I’ve seen poverty. I’ve been on the receiving end of indirect and direct fire. But this? It tops everything else. Seeing Tyler in a suit, about to marry Scarlett, is beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m absolutely gutted, to say the least. And I don’t want to do this—be his best man—but when your best friend asks you to stand beside him on the most important day of his life, you don’t say no. It just sucks that this is also the worst day of my life.
I’ve been in love with Tyler for as long as I can remember. I might even say it was love at first sight. From the moment I laid eyes on him, I knew. I knew that I wanted him to be mine. Over everything else, Tyler Levi Hayes has been my dream. But some dreams are shattered before they can come to fruition, and that’s exactly what’s happening right now. I guess I should just be grateful I held him in my arms for a short while, rather than not at all. That I know what he feels like, what he tastes like. That I know what it feels like to be loved by him. I can confidently say no one else will ever compare to him, and that pisses me off more than anything. Because how the hell do I get over him with that knowledge?
The truth is, I don’t know if I want to get over him. I know it’s hard to let him go—that I’m not willing to do it. But the harsh reality is that I have to because if I don’t, I’ll never be able to move on with my life. And he’s clearly moved on with his. So now, as I stand face to face with him, fixing his boutonniere, I ignore the sad look in his eyes. The look that tells me he’s heartbroken. Betrayed. Gutted. All because I couldn’t say yes to him and give us a chance. So why then, is he marrying her? If I mean so much to him, why is he doing it? And if he means so much to me, why am I letting him?
Goddamnit.
I don’t have the answers to any of this.
I want to tell him not to do this, to not give up on us, but that’s selfish. I already rejected him and told him I didn’t want to give this a shot. So it would be unfair of me to turn around and demand he cancel this wedding.
Tyler and I make eye contact, his clear-blue eyes dilating, black swallowing them whole. His bottom lip quivers, and he traps it between his teeth. I hate seeing him so sad, and I wonder if my face reflects his. Do I look as distraught as I feel?
“Noah, please,” Tyler whispers, and I tense. “Tell me to stop living this lie. If you asked me, I’d drop her in a heartbeat. I’d go with you.”
My heart begins to pound in my ears, and I drop my hands from his boutonniere. They shake at my sides, becoming sweaty, and I take a deep breath to try to stop the hurricane of feelings taking place inside my chest. The problem is? You’d have to stop my heart just to stop the feelings I have for him.
“I’m not asking.”
“Fine.” He narrows his eyes on me, and I know that look. Now he’s being stubborn. “Then I’ll ask.”
“Ty—”
“Noah, baby,” he says softly, and my stomach flutters. “Will you go away with me? Leave this all behind and start a new life together?”
I shake my head, opening my mouth to speak, but he interrupts me.
“Please, let me speak,” he says, his eyes wide with what appears to be desperation. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, but somewhere along the way, I’ve realized what I feel is beyond that. I’m in love with you, and I don’t want to spend one more second apart. Will you be mine?”
This is everything I’ve ever wanted. A love confession from him, and I can’t deny my heart feels so fucking full. So why am I shaking my head again? Why am I saying no?
“Ty—you made your choice when you said yes to her,” I say softly, “You already chose her.”
“And I’m telling you, I didn’t,” he argues. “ She asked me to marry her, not the other way around. What the fuck was I supposed to do?”
“Say no.” My voice cracks. “You were supposed to think of me and say no. But then you had the audacity to ask me to be your best man!”
“Because I needed you here!” he snaps. “Because I needed to know that we were really over before I went through with this.”
“Well, here it is, Tyler.” I laugh. “We’re really over.”
I don’t know why I’m being so cruel, because the truth is that this hurts me more than him. I’ve been in love for longer, I’ve loved him from afar this entire time. But I just want him to have a life where he has everything he’s always wanted. A family, a stable marriage. Things I can’t give him. And I’ll sacrifice myself if that’s what it takes. I’ll bury my love for him in a tomb, even if it kills me in the process.
“I don’t love you anymore,” I whisper. “I’m sorry.”
“You can’t mean that.” He swallows hard. “You don’t mean it. You’re lying?—”
“I’m not lying.”
“Okay,” he whispers, seemingly defeated. “If that’s how you really feel, then let’s go to the altar.”
I want to say no. I want to backtrack. I want to beg him for another chance. After all, the thought of watching him marry someone else is a punch to the gut. But watching it happen? That will be a stab straight to the heart.
I just nod, and he walks away. I have no choice but to follow him out of the groom’s suite, and out toward the chapel. My legs shake as we walk through the doors and to the back, where the officiant is already standing. Tyler and he exchange some words, and I stand to the side, waiting for him to join me. Everything is a fucking blur.
After what feels like forever, the doors open back up, and in comes Scarlett, wearing a beautiful white gown that makes her look like a princess. Her face is bright with joy as she walks slowly down the aisle with her father by her side, and when she makes it to Tyler, he takes her hands in his as they stand facing each other. I can see his hands shaking, and she grins up at him. But he’s not nervous because of her, and now I know better. He doesn’t want to marry her, and I’m pushing him right into her waiting arms.
I’m so fucking stupid.
And I know I will regret this until the end of my days.
The officiant addresses the guests and says a few things about how Scarlett and Tyler met. He talks about true love, love at first sight, and I feel sick to my stomach just listening to him. Somehow, I manage to stand in place and school my features.
Tyler’s back is to me, and I can see him still shaking as Scarlett says her vows. They apparently wrote their own, and I’ve never been more jealous of the bitch in my entire life. It’s a good thing she called me out and said we couldn’t be friends anymore, or I’d really be hurting her feelings right now. I want nothing more than to speak up, call her a traitor, and walk away from this joke of a wedding. But because it’s Tyler’s turn to start speaking, I stay rooted in place. Maybe I am a masochist after all because I listen intently as he makes her promises to love her until the end of his days. And I just think it’s bullshit.
Thirty minutes ago he was talking about leaving her, and now he’s going to love her forever? But I did that, didn’t I? So why the hell am I so angry right now?
My body trembles with rage as Tyler pauses and looks at me over his shoulder. His eyes are pleading with me, and my bottom lip quivers. I can’t do this. I don’t think I can stick around and watch him seal this promise. But I look away, and Scarlett clears her throat. Out of my periphery, I can see him turn back around to face her. When he says I do , I know it’s the final nail in the coffin of my heart. I will take my love for him to the grave, never to see the light of day again.
That’s what I have to do in order to survive.
I look away as her dainty hand wraps around the back of his neck, and she presses her lips to his. My eyes water as I look back at them, at the way he dips her for the wedding photo, and suddenly bile rises to the back of my throat. But I don’t move, instead, I swallow hard and look forward with a fake smile on my face as they walk back down the aisle together, holding hands. People shower them with flower petals, and Tyler looks back at me with sad eyes before he turns around and grins at the camera.
My hands ball into fists and my nostrils flare.
An hour later, we’re at the reception. It’s an outdoor party right behind the cute little chapel where they got married. There are long tables with white tablecloths, large gold candelabras with white tapered candles as centerpieces, and gold fine china with place cards right next to them. There’s also a dance floor right under the oak tree, with white streamers hanging down over it. It’s a beautiful wedding, and it makes me hate her even more for giving him something like this. Something I’ll never get to give to him.
I find my place card at the table for immediate family. Right next to Tyler. So I’ll be next to him for the rest of the night—great. Sitting down, I look over at Scarlett’s parents, who are already smiling at me. We make small talk for a while until the bride and groom grace us with their presence once more. We sit down and eat the dinner that the servers bring us, and it’s all very fancy. Very Scarlett. So fucking extra it makes me want to roll my eyes. But I don’t. I just eat my meal in silence—until Tyler’s hand grips my inner thigh and he looks at me. Really looks at me. His eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, and his lips are redder than normal, which usually happens after he’s been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I ask him, leaning in to whisper in his ear.
Tyler turns his face toward me and leans in to whisper in my ear. “You know what’s wrong,” he says, then takes a deep breath. “I made a mistake—a huge mistake. I’m so sorry.”
I pull away and look into his eyes with a frown on my face. “Why are you sorry?”
“Because I fucked up. Big time. And I can’t take it back,” he whispers. “I know I hurt you?—”
“It’s fine,” I say with finality. “Don’t feel guilty.”
“I don’t feel guilty—” he huffs. “I’m sad that I went through with it.”
“Baby—” Scarlett sing songs. “What do you think of the decorations?”
Of course Scar interrupts the moment, and Tyler dutifully answers her, telling her how beautiful everything is. And it’s not a lie, it’s gorgeous here. But then he excuses himself to use the bathroom, and Scarlett moves seats to take his place next to me.
“I’m sorry…” Scarlett says to me, but she doesn’t look sorry at all. There’s not a smile on her face, but the apology doesn’t reach her eyes. I tense, waiting for what she has to say. “I know I stole Tyler away from you. If I hadn’t proposed…I know he wouldn’t have.”
I smile tightly, trying to act normal in front of her family. “So why do it then?”
“Because I want him.” Scarlett shrugs, and I narrow my eyes on her. “The same way you want him.”
“I doubt that.”
“I’ve wanted him just as long, Noah,” she snaps softly, keeping her voice down. “You were just too stupid to see it.”
“Well, congratulations.” I raise my glass of champagne toward her and take a drink. “He’s all yours now.”
“That he is.” Scarlett raises her glass too, clinking it with mine and taking a long gulp.
“Just know he’s only marrying you because I told him to.” I shrug. “I told him I wouldn’t be with him, even after he begged me. So really, you’re second best. Enjoy my scraps.”
Scarlett huffs, her nostrils flaring. “Fuck you.”
“You too, baby girl.” I grin.
Tyler comes up to us, looking down at us. His gaze flits from me to Scarlett and back, and I make eye contact with him. It seems to do the trick, and he asks her to move. She obliges, although I can tell she was expecting him to take her seat, and once he’s next to me again he looks over at me and leans in.
“What was that about?”
“You,” I answer honestly. “She’s just rubbing this in my face.”
I shrug, and he narrows his eyes. He looks angry, but faces forward, nostrils flaring. I can tell he’s restraining himself but now is not the time to call her out on her bullshit, so he pastes a fake smile on his face and eats his food.
And I’m just here.
Hopelessly in love with him regardless of everything else. Regardless of him being a married man. Regardless of how much I fucked this up.
Man, did I fuck this up.