31
Why?
Why me?
I feel exhausted from fighting.
My eyes fall to the wooden floor, moving away from my stalker.
Why couldn’t I hope for something simple like love in my life?
Why couldn’t anyone just… hold me?
And tell me that it will be fine and that they will keep me safe from the dangers of the world.
More and more tears drip out of my eyes, falling onto the floor. I hear the stalker take steps toward me.
Maybe this is it.
Maybe I should let him just kill me and accept death. Maybe the world is better without me.
No one would miss me. No one would want me here.
Nothing will change.
Helia’s life would be better.
Mom will get my inherited money.
Aurora wouldn’t look twice.
And everything will be fine. The same.
The steps get closer.
My hands tremble in my lap.
When I lift my head, he’s right in front of me.
“Kill me,” I whisper into the darkness of my room, hoping the monsters in it hear me and make my wish come true. “Just kill me, please. Rid me of this mess,” I continue.
He falters. Instead of the usual smirk, there is a twisted expression on his face.
“Little sin.” His nickname doesn’t even compare to the one Helia gave me.
Is it wrong to wish he would miss me when I’m gone?
A laugh trickles out of me.
“My enemy, my tormentor, gave me a nickname, too. Emerald. He calls me emerald because I always wear a piece of that colour every day. It’s also his favourite.” I sniffle, lifting my eyes to his figure.
“I think… I wish he—” I swallow, my throat closing up on me, not allowing the words to come out of me.
He takes one last step into my space.
“Why are you here? Why are you always here in my most vulnerable moments? What is it you find fascinating?”
He tilts his head, similar to how Helia does.
“Why are you always here?!” I shout.
Without thinking, I go to grab his hood, but my hand meets air.
I blink.
He’s gone.
It was… a hallucination. It wasn’t real.
Why do I keep seeing Helia everywhere?
He keeps running through my mind. He keeps showing up, even in my dreams. In my nightmares.
He is in every aspect of my life.
In my fear, in my happiness, in my curiosity, and has even become a crucial part of my journey to become better.
He is even in my hope.
A hope for something.
I’m finding it with the wrong man. I know I am.
But I can’t help but think that I should tell him. The truth about Aurora. About me.
Is it because I want my stupid feelings to be reciprocated?
Is it because I want to feel something before I destroy this too?
I stand in front of the house made of glass and black marble, peering up at the home that looks exactly like Helia.
I can’t believe I am here.
Flat ceilings, panels of wooden frames, glass walls that are tinted, grey marble steps leading up to wide double main doors. A balcony sits on the second floor with a glass railing. A faint hint of a bedroom is visible from my position in the clearing in front of the house.
Forest surrounds the whole area perimeter, and the sun setting behind the home is painting a beautiful orange colour while Helia’s house sits tall and dark.
His green Porsche is parked to the left, a black bike right next to it.
I didn’t know he rode a bike too.
Taking careful steps towards the house, my feet softly thump on the marble stairs as I reach the front door.
I ring the bell beside the door with a pounding heart.
Why am I here?
Shaking my head to rid the unnecessary thoughts and questions, I wait patiently.
A lock softly clicks before the door opens.
And there stands Helia.
Black sweatpants ride low on his hips, and he wears an open sweatshirt with nothing under it. His tattoos are on display, and I instantly spot a small crow near his rib, a snake wrapped around an arrow just above his hip bone, and a small spider on the other side of his hip. My eyes trace his extremely sculpted body, every line and bump of his six-pack so clear that I would be able to count them blindly if I were to put my hand on his stomach.
The V-line of his hip leads down into his sweatpants, his jet-black hair falling into his darkened forest eyes.
“Ambrose?” He lifts a brow, stepping aside and letting me walk into his home.
I open my mouth to answer, to give him an explanation, anything. But nothing comes out.
My throat closes, and I am once again reminded of my past and exactly why I am here.
I turn around, my fingers unclenching, my body slowly relaxing when I look into his eyes.
“I had… nowhere… I didn’t know what—where to go,” I whisper, feeling absolutely helpless.
If I think about it, I truly had no one.
What the fuck am I even doing here in my enemy’s home where he could easily kill me?
Helia tilts his hand, taking a step closer to me, and another, then another until he is right in front of me.
Strengthening my resolve, I wait.
Is he going to kick me out?
Keep me?
What will he do?
“You had nowhere to go?” he says carefully, observing me.
I nod.
“So you came here?”
I nod once more.
Helia doesn’t say anything more. His eyes move to my forehead, to my black zipped-up hoodie with black leggings. I didn’t bother changing. Everything is still covered. Every single scar burns in reminder, but I stand still in front of him.
Helia raises a hand, reaching for the side of my face, and a breath leaves me just as his hand makes skin contact. The warmth from his hand feels soft. It feels like patience and home.
Of calm waters.
Of a final destination.
His hand moves under my jaw, tilting my head softly side to side as if inspecting me before he drags his fingers softly to my forehead, pushing away strands of blond hair. The softness in his touch makes my heart burst. He has never touched me this tenderly, never with the intention of just looking at me, of feeling me.
And it feels out of place, and yet, it feels right.
My eyes shut on their own record when Helia takes a step closer, his body almost caging me in with how tall and broad his chest is. His touch travels from my forehead down to my cheek once more, going over my eyebrows, my nose, my lips, and my chin.
I release a shuddering breath.
“Helia.” The soft whisper falls from my lips. I open my eyes.
And the look in his eyes, the concentration mixed with rage and worry. It’s different.
Grabbing his wrist, I pull his hand away from my face and take a step back.
“You shouldn’t be touching me like this.” I look away from his eyes, too ashamed to admit why.
It makes me hope. And hope isn’t good for me. It’s wrong.
“You should hate me, kick me out of your house, so I can get rid of this misunderstanding.”
There is only silence on his end, forcing me to slide my eyes back to him. His hands are clenched at his side as he heaves, his nostrils flaring. The emerald in his eyes is engulfed by black while his hair sits messily on his head.
Right now, with his hoodie open and his black sweatpants, he looks every bit of the monstrous serpent I think of him to be. He looks ready to kill, and I am ready to take on whatever he will throw at me.
My vulnerability today has made me delusional.
“Misunderstanding?” Helia grits out harshly.
I wordlessly nod.
Narrowing his eyes, he takes a step, then another until he is right in front of me. His hands grasp my forearms, then Helia gets in my face.
“A fucking misunderstanding? You are telling me that every time you looked at me, it wasn’t to seek me out but because I misunderstood and you were just glaring at me in hate? You are telling me that every time you touched me, it was out of obligation and not because you craved my touch?” He heaves. “Your words, your secret smiles, your care for me, and your heart are nothing but a lie?”
A frown twists on my face at his words.
Why would he notice any of it when he merely hates me?
“Were we not fooling around? Was this not just a game for you?”
Helia’s hold on my arms tightens. “A game?” His words rumble in his chest. “It’s a game to you?” he shouts, letting go of me. “I would very much like to kill you right now for uttering those words. Have you ever seen me take an interest in a woman like this? Do you think I merely wanted to use you? For what? Your company? Did you think all this time… everything I did was for… personal gain?”
I can hear my own heart drumming inside of me, the painful thud against my chest making me swallow in pain.
Helia’s words cut deep because it’s not true. I thought each time he touched was because he liked to, each time he looked my way, he wanted to find his emerald of the day, each and every single time he smiled at me, it was because I entered the room and his eyes found me.
I had been delusional. I had denied it.
And now I’m denying it in front of Helia.
“Tell me!” he screams in my face. “Tell me that it’s true. Tell me that your disgusting mind got to you.” He keeps shouting, running a frustrated hand through his hair.
“Did my touch ever feel like hate?” he mutters, his eyes blazing.
No. It never did, but I never dared to hope.
“Tell me, dammit!”
“No!” I roar back.
I slam a hand on his chest, frustration and anger getting to me.
“How dare you make me hope?” I shove at his shoulder.
His wide eyes are stuck on me.
“How dare you make me believe your touch was for anything but my company!” I push at his shoulder again, and he lets me. “How fucking dare you make me want you? How dare you bring me to my knees, to make me beg for you, to make me crave you like crazy, to the point where I can’t think.” My hands grasp at my hair, my throat scratchy. “How dare you make me want a forever with you when I was told to never believe in one!” My voice turns hoarse as I push a finger at his hard chest. “Did you do this on purpose? Make me fall for you so I come bearing my weaknesses to you, allowing you to take advantage of it?” My voice grows loud once more.
Helia grabs my fingers and pushes it away from him, getting in my face. “I fucking hate how much I want you!”
“Same here!” I shout.
Our eyes connect as we both breathe heavily, our chests rising and falling from the exposed secrets.
“I hate how crazy you made me, and how I cannot think when I’m around you,” Helia continues, and I feel my eyes tear up.
He won’t keep me.
“I hate it all, and yet I kept you standing. I kept coming back to you again and again.” His voice lowers. “I hate that I am willing to risk my life to stay here with you, Emerald.”
A tear rolls down my cheek, and my lip trembles.
Helia’s eyes follow the tear’s trail before they slam back to my eyes.
And then his lips crash against mine.
I’m frozen for a split second, then I kiss him back. I grab his shoulders in a tight hold, and my stomach clenches. Desire, pain, and overwhelming emotions grasp at me like never before.
Kissing him deeper, I feel his tongue slip into my mouth as his arm wraps around my waist. His fingers grip my jaw, and he tilts my head up. I kiss him and kiss him, feeling more tears roll down my face.
I will never have him.
I will never be able to have him if I want my company.
I can’t have both.
He’s the only one who has ever made me feel so special. He’s the only one who has made me feel like I could conquer the world, and he would be there to push me further.
His care, his sharp eyes, his strong hold, his heart that cares so deeply yet so quietly, it makes me weep.
I wish…
I wish for you to fall in love with me as madly as I am in love with you.
Helia dips, his lips softly pulling at my upper lip, then diving back in for another kiss. And I am grasping at his hair, his shoulders, everything he can give me.
When we pull apart, we are both gasping, but all I can think about is just how we will go back to how we were, at each other’s throat.
But for now, I want to stay right here. In his arms.
“Helia.” My voice is a soft, pained whisper as I look at him through my lashes.
He shakes his head, keeping his arm around my waist.
“No. Don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear it.” His eyes drop to the floor for a second before he looks back up at me.
He stills for a moment, watching me, his body warmth seeping beneath my freezing skin. His gaze travels from my eyes to my forehead. Lifting a hand, he runs his fingertips over the cut there, though the pain from there doesn’t compare to what my heart feels.
The upcoming betrayal, knowing I will be filing a lawsuit against him while wanting him, while being here in his arms, it breaks me.
My world is about to collapse, and I can do nothing about it.
“Why are you here, Ambrose?”
My heart sinks.
“I came to tell you the truth.”