Date with Destiny

Chapter Twelve

There is just nothing not grim about a funeral; even when you try, like we have, to keep things lively. The florist has covered the place with beautiful, brightly coloured flowers – many of them yellow unfortunately – and photos of Diane in every pew, but it’s all still very… funereal.

Churches may be beautiful but they’re, let’s face it, grim. This place is bones-cold, even on this summery day, and the priest must be a hundred years old. Which – no offence to all the centenarians out there – is also kinda grim. It’s very… not Diane.

Beside me in the front pew, Celeste tuts, looking around at the full church.

‘I just wish we’d had one conversation, one time, about what she would’ve wanted,’ she comments sadly. ‘We always seemed too young to talk about such awful things.’ She pauses. ‘I should’ve told everyone not to wear black, it’s so cliché,’ she tsks and I think back to this morning when she literally told me exactly what to wear, down to the earrings – and it was all black.

Celeste is very much back to herself since our cathartic yoga session a few days ago, and her mini-breakdown. Actually, she’s been more Celeste than she’s ever been before – which means out of control controlling. But I’m giving her some leeway given her only sister is in a box over there. The good thing is that she’s got most of that Celeste shimmer back now. She’s returned to the OTT, performing monster we know and mostly love.

‘If it helps,’ Myfanwy grins wickedly as we all turn to her, ‘I’m wearing her favourite colour.’ She undoes her coat, throwing it open to reveal a bright yellow sun dress. Celeste bursts out laughing.

‘Thanks Myfe,’ she beams. ‘That does make me feel better. Diane always really loved you.’ She sighs, still smiling. ‘I should’ve had everyone wear yellow; it would’ve made her laugh a lot.’

‘I think that’s really inappropriate, actually, My-Fanny,’ Shawn pipes up self-importantly from his place beside Toni. He’s known Myfe for years now, but still aggressively gets her name wrong. Just one of the many things we appreciate about the guy.

‘If it helps, I think everyone looks great,’ Toni quickly jumps in as Myfanwy rolls her eyes. ‘And Diane wouldn’t care what people were wearing, she’d just be so touched by the turnout.’

We glance around at the packed room; the seats are all full, with mourners crowding into the aisle and jostling for space in the doorway. It’s standing room only. I spot Zach Walliams standing towards the back and feel my heart squeeze in my chest. It’s so nice of him to come. Our eyes meet and we nod a greeting.

‘Are you doing OK?’ Myfanwy leans closer to take my hand and I drag my eyes away from Zach to smile at her gratefully.

‘I am,’ I tell her truthfully. I turn to the front where the coffin waits. It’s so bizarre to think my Aunt Diane is in there. Is she here in other ways, too? Watching us?

‘Do you believe in ghosts?’ I ask curiously.

‘Yes,’ she nods with certainty.

Of course she does. She’s so much more open than I am. Maybe I should be more open. Maybe I should try to believe in things.

‘Do you think she’s, like, here?’ I ask in a whisper before hastily adding, ‘I mean beyond being literally there.’ I nod towards the coffin. Myfanwy swallows hard.

‘I do actually,’ she smiles softly. ‘And I think she’s loving seeing all these people who loved her.’ She pauses. ‘Speaking of turnout,’ she murmurs, ‘do you know if Daniel’s coming?’

I look down and shake my head. ‘I messaged him to let him know what had happened and mentioned the funeral details. He sent me a very kind reply, saying he was really sorry and how much he liked Diane – all that – but ignored any mention of the funeral.’

‘Well, fuck him,’ she says mildly. ‘And PS you look amazing, I didn’t even know you owned black earrings.’

‘They’re Celeste’s,’ I sigh, thinking again of this morning’s battle. ‘And thanks.’

‘Maybe you should try and find a date here,’ she comments drily, looking around the room with raised eyebrows. ‘There are a surprising number of men here, and they’re all pretty good-looking…’

I picture Zach all those rows back and suppress a snort. ‘That would be super classy, wouldn’t it? Trying to find a hook-up courtesy of my dead aunt. Imagine telling people about our adorable meet-cute!’

‘But you should be on the lookout,’ she reminds me. ‘Remember that you’re meant to be finding your soulmate this year.’ When I look away, she adds, ‘Three of the predictions have come true now – you have to start believing, surely?’

‘Maybe,’ I hedge.

She cocks her head. ‘You’re still up for trying the tarot reading, right?

I try not to pull a face. ‘Sure,’ I swallow, already dreading it. ‘And I’ve got my stone.’ I pat my pocket and she sniffs, irritated.

‘Crystal,’ she corrects me fondly. ‘And I was thinking we could have a look at your birth chart or nakshatra. Maybe there’s something in your stars to explain why you got singled out by that fortune teller. Maybe it was written in your future from minute one.’

‘Er, sure, maybe,’ I say, wondering what the hell a nakshatra is. I mean, I don’t really know what a birth chart is either, but at least they’re words I’m familiar with.

‘And you never know,’ Myfanwy shrugs. ‘It could give you a clue about your incoming soulmate.’ She elbows me gently.

‘What are you two whispering about?’ Celeste leans in.

‘How Ginny’s going to get laid today,’ Myfanwy informs her casually. I swat her arm with a mild hey.

‘Good idea!’ my mother pronounces, looking around not at all discreetly. ‘There are so many attractive men here. So what if they’re a little older, age is just a number. I’ll start making enquiries after the service.’

‘Please don’t!’ I beg, mortified. ‘Myfanwy was just joking around, honestly.’ Celeste ignores me and I add beseechingly, ‘Really, Mum, please promise me you won’t! I’m really not ready for anything like that, honestly. I was supposed to be getting married last month! I haven’t even cancelled the honeymoon in a few weeks. I have to get over Daniel and get my life straight before I start dating. Please don’t start setting me up, promise?’

‘Ugh!’ Celeste throws up her beautifully manicured hands. ‘That’s so boring of you.’ She turns away to talk to Shawn and Toni instead. Shawn glares at me and I look away. We’re faux nice to each other but I’ve never had a good vibe from the guy. He’s always so… performative. I usually try to see the best in people and give them several chances, but he’s had enough. I wish my sister could see that too.

Myfanwy looks at me curiously. ‘Did you say you haven’t cancelled your honeymoon? When were you meant to be flying? You were going to Madeira, right?’

I nod, thinking how beautiful and romantic it all looked when we booked the holiday. It’s the final thing that needs sorting out from the wedding, but I haven’t been able to face it.

She elbows me, leaning into my ear. ‘You know you’re due a life-changing trip, right?’

I stare at her, the words sinking in. She thinks I should go on my honeymoon? On my own?

Myfanwy leans back into my ear, ‘What about—’

We’re interrupted by a kerfuffle breaking out behind us, among the guests – guests? Audience? Fans? – and we turn en masse with curiosity. There are several men in a pew halfway back engaged in what looks like a heated argument. Faces are red, voices are raised, and I can see tension pulsing between them even from our position in the front row.

I glance at Celeste and she looks delighted. ‘Oh my god,’ she breathes out, thrilled.

Then one shoves another and the crowd draws away, horrified. A man falls backwards, sprawled across the floor, as another bloke steps back and throws a punch at the shover. It’s mayhem for a minute and I lose sight of the action.

‘What the hell is going on?’ Myfanwy murmurs as our group moves into the aisle.

I can hear shouting, but there are now too many people in the way. I turn to the tallest of us.

‘Toni,’ I stage-whisper, ‘are they literally fighting? What’s happening?’

‘Erm,’ her head moves back and forth, following the action. ‘There seems to be four main guys involved, and then the rest of them are trying to get in between, to stop the fight, I think.’ Next to her, Shawn tries to puff up to her height. ‘I better get involved,’ he says with genuine seriousness, and Sonali covers a snort.

‘Leave this to me, Celeste,’ he says in a deep voice, stepping forward.

‘Don’t, Shawny!’ Toni calls after him. Her protests are quickly redundant as he can’t get through the crowds. He returns sullen-faced back to our spot glowering at Myfanwy’s smirk.

‘What’s happening now?’ Sonali asks, as Toni’s eyes remain riveted to a spot beyond heads blocking my way. ‘Ooh, now the priest is getting involved!’

‘YOU’RE A LIAR!’ I hear one of the voices raised loud above the din.

‘Uh-oh, the priest just slapped one of them,’ Toni informs us.

‘I could’ve slapped them,’ Shawn pouts.

‘Maybe we should, er, try to do something about this?’ I suggest and Celeste sighs dramatically.

‘Do we have to?’ she whines, looking annoyed. ‘I’m sure this whole thing was orchestrated by Diane; I think she’s enjoying it immensely.’

‘I’m sure she is,’ I hedge. ‘But I’m also worried we might have another death – if not one of the men fighting, then the very elderly priest.’

‘Ugh, I suppose you’re right,’ she concedes, pulling herself up to her full height. ‘Right!’ She strides with determination into the crowd. Celeste is a foreboding presence, even when she isn’t the grieving sibling of the deceased. And much to Shawn’s fury, moments later, the room parts for her. At last, we can all see the four sulky, slightly damaged men at the heart of all this, standing in a line.

‘Now WHAT was that all about?’ Celeste has the tone of a furious headteacher, scolding naughty schoolboys.

‘He’s a LIAR,’ one of them quickly snarls and I recognize the raised voice from the fight.

‘HE is!’ The rebuttal is livid.

‘Shut up!’ Celeste is having none of it. ‘What are you all lying to each other about?’

There is a painful silence before Naughty Schoolboy Number One pipes back up. ‘He says he’s been dating Diane for three years.’

Oh! This is a surprise; I had no idea my aunt had a boyfriend. I wonder if he’s the Cher impersonator.

‘I have!’ comes the reply from Naughty Schoolboy Number Two.

‘You have not!’ says Naughty Schoolboy Number One again. ‘Because we’ve been together for a year and a half!’

There are audible gasps around the church as people take this in.

My mouth gapes at Toni in shock. Diane was cheating? She had two boyfriends? This is awful.

‘BULLSHIT!’ pronounces a new entry from Naughty Schoolboy Number Four who has stepped into the fray. ‘She was with me for almost five years, there’s no way she was dating either of you at the same time.’

‘I’ve been with her for eleven months,’ Naughty Schoolboy Number Three laments and they all start arguing again.

Jesus! Is this… this can’t be true? Surely this isn’t right? My lovely, sweet, fun, kind Aunt Diane had FOUR boyfriends?

Celeste looks taken aback, cutting off the bickering once again.

‘You’re saying that all of you were her boyfriends?’ They collectively nod. ‘And that none of you knew about the other?’

At this, they all look down at the floor.

‘Do you have something to say?’ Celeste prompts and Naughty Schoolboy Number One looks sulkier than before, if it were possible.

‘I mean… she did say to me that it had to be an open relationship and that she was never going to be monogamous, but I didn’t really take any notice!’

The three others slowly nod. ‘She told me she was with other people, too,’ admits Naughty Schoolboy Number Four, still sad.

‘I guess she did say we could only see each other on Sundays because she had other boyfriends,’ Naughty Schoolboy Number Two shrugs.

Celeste fixes them all with her steeliest of looks, the one she reserves for the most deluded of contestants on Engage!

‘So what you’re all saying,’ she says slowly, ‘is that Diane was actually very honest with each and every one of you. But your sad little egos couldn’t believe it?’

They glance sulkily at each other. One turns his chin up more defiantly than the others. ‘I thought she loved me.’

‘I’m sure she did.’ Celeste’s tone is a little kinder now. ‘People love in different ways. And it sounds like she was completely, 100 per cent honest with you. And isn’t that all we can ask of our loved ones? I’m sorry you’ve all been so wounded by this, but you should really have believed her when she told you who she was. She told you her truth and you decided to ignore it. We can’t get angry with her now, can we?’ She glances around at the crowd, a few of whom nod back at her, dazzled by her presence. Celeste turns back to the still-sulky Naughty Schoolboys. ‘Now, do you understand we’re at a funeral?’ They nod at last and she adds, ‘Do you want to stay and shut up, or fuck off?’

The congregation – congregation? Flock? Churchgoers? – take their seats, excitable whispers echoing around the room, and the battered priest slowly returns to his pulpit. Toni, Shawn, Sonali, Myfanwy, Celeste and I all file back into the front pew in shocked silence.

Wow wow wow. I can’t believe it! My Aunt Diane was a polygamist! Or is that only the right term if she’d married them all? I know for a fact she would never have done that; she always said she didn’t like the idea of marriage. Too many outdated traditions around the whole thing. I always assumed that meant she was single. I glance at the four glowering sulky guys, standing around looking increasingly embarrassed by their behaviour. They’re all quite handsome and much younger than my aunt; she was clearly having a wonderful time with her singledom.

Maybe I should be more like Diane.

Not necessarily the multiple men thing because that seems like it would be too exhausting. Even dating one person is tiring; imagine having the headspace and extroversion to handle four! But I could be inspired by her enthusiasm for life. I could be like her. I could be open to more experiences. I glance over at Zach, who is smiling to himself as he moves back to position. He’s so handsome. What if I could have a fun, no strings attached fling? Maybe it would actually help me get over Daniel. And I’m sure there was something there between us that first time we met. I could also try that stuff Myfanwy keeps going on about – the birth charts, the Reiki, that neck-salami thing she mentioned before. Perhaps I could even get into ghost hunting! Buy a Ouija board and belatedly ask Diane what the hell happened to my life and what I did to deserve any of it.

But maybe she’d be annoyed I’m making her death about me?