Chapter Twenty-Six
The next morning, it takes approximately six minutes for me to remember my conversation with Zach and die a thousand deaths.
I cannot believe I said those things. OUT LOUD. To him! Having already been rejected by him a couple of months ago, I basically requested another rejection. I asked him for a confirmation! I pretty much begged him to explain that he doesn’t fancy me.
Jesus Christ. I can never speak to him again.
And of course, I may not have to, I realize, remembering what he said about leaving the store. I’m in shock that Celeste has let him go. He’s been such a great addition to the team; it makes no sense.
I groan as I roll over – thankfully in my own bed – and consider the rest of the evening. I’m surprised to find that, mortification aside, I still have the same clarity and certainty I felt last night. I still feel totally sure that it’s over with Daniel.
And I remember that I am a unicorn.
The thing I have lost, sadly, is some of the bravery I felt about it all last night.
It all felt very easy and straightforward but this morning I don’t have any clue on how to move forward with this new certainty. How do I tell Daniel I don’t want to be with him anymore? What words do you use to cushion that? What time of day do you go for? What place do you meet that will make it better? Honestly, I’m kind of starting to understand why he just packed his bag and ran away. Sadly, I don’t think I really have that option. Not when I have a sister who constantly tags me into places online.
I moan again slightly.
Someone moans back and I jump a little as a shape moves at the bottom of the bed. It takes a moment for the memory to come back to me. Myfanwy stayed over.
Another shape shifts on the sofa bed. Oh yes, so did Sonali.
‘Morning,’ I say sleepily.
After my life-changing revelation last night about Daniel, not to mention my humiliating encounter with Zach, I wasn’t exactly my horniest self for Mikey. We all came down pretty fast and decided to call it a night, with Mikey running off sharpish. So, after all my careful pre-planning to get some, we did not sleep together. We didn’t even kiss, actually.
‘How are we feeling?’ Myfanwy says in a yawn, stretching out to the ceiling. Thankfully, it’s not neon white or moving, I note. I was slightly concerned that could be my new normal.
‘Not too bad,’ Sonali yawns back and I nod blearily.
‘Surprisingly good,’ I confirm. ‘Maybe drugs are the way to go from here on out.’
‘I can’t see any problem with that,’ Myfanwy comments dryly.
‘God,’ Sonali sighs. ‘Last night was a bit dramatic.’
Myfanwy fists her eye, picking at a stubborn bit of sleepy dust before fixing her gaze on me. ‘I can’t believe you had three men there fighting over you.’
I shake my head vehemently, then regret it. I’m a little fragile.
‘If anything, I was fighting for their attention, Myfe.’ I throw my face into a pillow. ‘I threw myself at Zach.’
‘At Zach?’ Myfanwy looks amused. ‘Well, I saw that coming a mile off. But I thought you were just mates now? Didn’t he tell you at Diane’s wake that he just wanted to be friends?’
Muffled by the pillow, I reply, ‘He did, but after all the shrooms, I decided it would be a good idea to check.’
‘No one says shrooms.’ Sonali sounds bored.
‘Ooh.’ Myfanwy’s tone is impressed. ‘That’s very men of you, Gin. Refusing to take no for an answer. How embarrassing.’
‘Yes, thank you for that,’ I tell her into the pillow. I sigh now, sitting up. ‘And Mikey ran off at the end, so I don’t think he’s very interested either.’
‘I think that was Shawn’s fault actually,’ Sonali comments and I narrow my eyes at her.
‘What do you mean?’
She raises her eyebrows. ‘Didn’t you see them having that argument?’
Shaking my head, I sit up straighter. ‘What? Are you serious? Why is that man always getting into fights with strangers!’
‘He’s an arse,’ Myfanwy comments dryly. ‘What is Toni doing with him?’
‘I really don’t know.’ I feel intensely sad suddenly. I think about our conversation last night. Will she remember what she said about being asexual? Should I bring it up with her or let her come to me when she’s ready? ‘I thought Gen Z were all supposed to be badasses who take no shit and know exactly who they are. But Tone seems to be quite insecure and unsure about everything. She can do so much better than Shawn.’
‘Never mind doing better!’ Sonali raises her voice, outraged. ‘She’s in her early twenties! She should be single AF and out there having loads of fun and random sex.’
‘Hold on,’ I whisper, standing up and reaching for my dressing gown. I press my ear to the wall, listening for any noise. ‘It’s OK, I’m pretty sure she stayed at his.’
We fall silent, considering our collective baby sister.
‘You know she mentioned the possibility of them getting engaged,’ I say in a quiet voice. ‘On the honeymoon trip.’ Myfanwy nods slowly as Sonali looks aghast.
‘She can’t!’ she wails as Myfanwy shakes her head in agreement.
‘I think you should talk to her about him,’ she tells me and I nod. I’d come to the same conclusion. Usually my rule is never to get involved in other people’s relationships but I honestly can’t believe she’s happy with Shawn.
‘I think I have to,’ I swallow, before looking up. ‘Unless one of you wants to do it for me?’ I smile and they both laugh scornfully. Myfanwy reaches across me for my phone on the bedside table.
‘Message her now before you lose your nerve.’
‘I don’t have any nerve!’ I cry, horrified by this suggestion. ‘And I don’t know what to say! I’m not ready.’
Myfanwy rolls her eyes. ‘Just say you need to talk.’
Sighing, I accept my phone and begin typing.
Hey Tone, can we talk?
Written down, it is too stark. Too direct. I try something else.
Hey love, how are you feeling this morning? Thank you guys so much for putting on such a fun night. I hear Shawn and Mikey had a falling out? Maybe we should have a chat about it if you’re around in the next couple of days? Xxxxxx
I don’t press send, instead throwing my phone on the bed in frustration. ‘Ughhh, I don’t think I can do it!’ I say in despair. ‘It’s too awkward and she’s going to be so annoyed about me interfering.’
Myfanwy gently retrieves my phone from a squashed pillow. ‘I know you don’t like confrontation, Gin,’ she says gently. ‘But this is really important. Toni is important to all of us and we can’t just do nothing. She might marry this idiot!’
‘It’s funny, isn’t it,’ Sonali begins. ‘I feel like we all watched her grow up. She was so young when we first met her.’
‘She must’ve been – what? – like eight? Nine?’ Myfanwy chips in affectionately. ‘So young.’
‘She was really mature and serious, even then,’ I say fondly. ‘Not like me at that age. I was a pathetic, snivelling little idiot, so scared of everyone around me. So scared of being noticed but also so horrified no one ever did. I have a lot of regrets about the way I acted back then.’
‘God, school was just a nightmare for everyone, wasn’t it?’ Sonali remarks thoughtfully.
‘Secondary school was even worse,’ I comment, thinking again about that miserable time. ‘I was so relieved to get to university and meet you lot. Although, in hindsight, eighteen was really young, too! We felt like grown-ups, but from here, it feels like we were still babies. We knew nothing at all.’
Myfanwy smiles. ‘I’m not sure we know anything now, in our thirties.’
‘True,’ I grin back. ‘But we’ve reached an age where we have to at least pretend.’
Sonali nods. ‘I may not know much, but I feel pretty confident that Toni’s dating a wrong ’un. And we have to at least try to make her see that.’
‘Poor Mikey,’ Myfanwy sighs. ‘He brought us such a fun party game.’
‘You mean the mushrooms?’ I confirm and she nods.
‘And then he got viciously attacked by an absolute dickhead.’
‘I’ll message him later and see if he’s OK,’ I reassure her.
‘Never mind messaging him,’ Sonali scolds. ‘Message Toni. We have to look after our little sister.’
I sigh. ‘OK, fine.’ I retype my previous draft, adding a few more smiley faces and kisses. Her reply comes fast. And I suddenly remember that I needn’t have worried because we were brought up by the same mother. We are both intense people pleasers…
Of course!! I’ll be back later. Love you xxxxxx
‘Phew!’ I say, leaning back into the pillows as Sonali and Myfanwy read her reply.
‘Apart from Shawn’s antics, last night was pretty great, wasn’t it?’ Sonali says now, smiling impishly at Myfanwy, who grins back.
‘I really feel like I figured a lot of things out,’ I say, remembering again how clear my thinking was. So many things that seemed impossible to decide when I was sober just seemed obvious all of a sudden. ‘It’s such a relief finally knowing how I feel about Daniel.’ I laugh. ‘I still can’t believe he turned up like that! So weird that he saw me tagged in the bar on Instagram and just showed up.’
‘But prediction number four is definitely ticked off now,’ Myfanwy says excitably.
‘Hmm, maybe…’ I hedge.
Sonali sighs as Myfanwy makes a frustrated noise. ‘Ugh, Gin! When are you going to accept that the predictions are real? It’s all coming true! That psychic fortune teller was for real!’
‘Sometimes I believe,’ I whisper, feeling ganged up on. ‘Sometimes it seems definitely real, but it’s just… mad. It just seems so stupid to believe. I hate the idea that people will think I’m stupid. I feel stupid all the time as it is.’
‘Same,’ Sonali says sadly. ‘I think a lot of people do.’
‘Maybe once we’ve found the fortune teller…’ I tell her seriously, ‘and I’ve heard it all from her again, maybe I’ll fully believe. Maybe…’