Date with Destiny

Chapter Thirty-Two

Of course it’s not as easy as realizing I’ve been a fool and sorting myself out overnight.

For the next two weeks, I am on autopilot. It’s busy at Celeste’s Stones with the Christmas rush and prepping for the new store. Christmas Day comes and goes with minimal fuss and only one text – slash guilt-trip – from Daniel. Toni, Celeste and I exchange presents at home and no one mentions Myfanwy or Daniel or Mikey or Zach – or any other relationships I’ve managed to mess up lately.

I fully indulge in the self-pity and self-loathing; arriving home from work each evening to stare at my reflection. I call myself names – all kinds of horrible names – and it makes me feel better to begin with. I’m feeding that dark place in my soul that believes I am the worst of the worst. That rat part of me wants to hear the horribleness, the meanness leaking out of me and into me. But after a few days, the catharsis of spite and rage against myself wears off and I feel at last the raw painful wound underneath.

I think about Diane and her kindness. I think about how much she loved me. I think about how much Toni loves me. About how much Celeste loves me – in her own way. I think about how much my dad loves me, wherever he is in the world right now. I think about how much Myfanwy and Sonali love me. Usually. Even Daniel loves me, I think, which, yes, is a problem, but it’s also nice to be loved, right? I remember how unbelievably lucky I am to have all these people in my life.

As the world celebrates another New Year, I stand in front of the mirror and try saying kind words. I tell my reflection that I am a nice person. That I try to do my best. I tell myself things I think Diane would say to me, or Myfanwy, when she liked me.

I tell myself that I am capable of change; of being stronger and braver. Of not obsessing over the wrong things or taking bad behaviour lying down.

After all, Myfanwy is right, of course she is. Why should I shield Mikey from hearing that he’s hurt me? Why should I protect Daniel from my pain? Why am I lying to my mother about this terrible expansion plan? Even if she doesn’t listen, I deserve to be heard. As much as anyone, I deserve to have my opinions and my voice listened to.

And it turns out, saying kind things to yourself, while horribly uncomfortable, also works. I feel better. I feel happier. I like myself more. Because words are powerful.

I remember Diane said something like that to me once. She told me when I’m anxious or nervous, I should try smiling. Smiling tricks your brain into thinking everything is fine and good. It makes your body relax and release happy hormones. I think there’s something in that when it comes to how we speak to ourselves. If we’re lovely to ourselves, we can trick our brains into believing the loveliness and liking who we are that bit more.

And I don’t care if it’s a trick because I wake up late that Saturday morning in early January, the sun bursting through the outline of my curtains, and I feel… joyful. Happy and calm. They are unfamiliar emotions after so many rollercoaster months of pain and loss and ups and downs.

I know what I have to do and I feel like I have the strength to do it at last. Or, at least, I will have the strength, once I’ve got my best friend back by my side.