Chapter Forty-One
I arrive home later that night, floating on air. It makes me so happy, knowing that Myfanwy and Sonali are off at The Shard right now, enjoying a glass of champagne with their families as they celebrate the biggest decision of their lives.
Or possibly they’re still locked in somewhere? I’ve never done an escape room – do they let you out if you don’t find the solution?
‘Ughhhh,’ I hear Toni yell from upstairs and I take the steps two at a time to get to her.
‘What’s up?’ I ask anxiously, poking my head round the bedroom door.
‘You’re home!’ She sounds startled, closing her laptop, where the source of her frustration lies.
‘I heard you groan,’ I explain, adding, ‘Quite loudly and not in a fun way.’
‘I’m just annoyed,’ she says. ‘I thought finding a flat with two incomes would be easy, but I’ve spent days trawling through SpareRoom and there’s just nothing really affordable.’
‘Bummer,’ I say non-committally.
She sighs as I sit beside her on the bed. ‘The trouble is that I have to pay most of the rent and the whole deposit for now, and there’s just nothing I can afford.’
I am careful with my question. ‘Why do you have to pay most of the rent?’
‘Oh,’ she says dismissively. ‘It’s just until Shawn’s stand-up comedy career takes off. Or his band. Either way.’
I take this in, picturing Shawn performing on stage. Nothing hotter than a man over thirty who still thinks he can ‘make it’ in showbiz.
‘But…’ I continue even more carefully. ‘He has a normal job as well, doesn’t he? Does it not pay very well?’
‘It pays OK,’ she says evenly. ‘But, like he explained, he has to use most of his money to fund the comedy and the music. Once one of those come off, obviously he’ll be loaded and at that point he said he’ll pay half the rent.’
It just gets worse and worse.
‘Does he think you earn loads of money or something?’ I ask, genuinely interested in how he can justify this.
She shrugs, reddening a little. ‘We haven’t really talked about money, but he has mentioned a few times how our family is clearly loaded.’
‘But Celeste doesn’t give us any of it! It’s her money!’ I say, unable to stop myself. ‘Our wages at the store aren’t even that great, and I haven’t had a pay rise in two years.’
‘Me neither,’ she shakes her head. ‘I suppose she does let us live here without paying rent, and I’ve been trying to save up. I’ve got enough for our deposit, which is handy because Shawn doesn’t have any savings.’
‘It may be rent-free, but there’s a price to pay,’ I mutter darkly.
Toni looks thoughtful and I realize I have to say something more. Things have been a bit better between Shawn and I in recent weeks, but even if he’s not head to toe awful – maybe just head to shins – does he really belong with my baby sister?
‘Hey, Tone,’ I begin and she looks up. ‘You know I think Shawn is… great.’ I swallow hard. ‘But… but… listen, are you sure about moving in together?’ I continue quickly before she can say anything. ‘It’s just that you’re still so young and it sounds like he might not be, er, financially set up to get a place with you right now. Maybe you could wait a little bit longer? See how things go?’ I swallow. ‘And I know this is absolutely none of my business, but are you sure about him? He is quite a, er, character and he seems to get angry a lot. Plus, there’s the age gap…’ I quickly add, ‘But if you tell me he’s wonderful to you and you’re blissfully happy with him then I promise I’ll shut up and never say another word!’ I finish a little breathlessly, anxiously waiting for a reaction.
She is silent and I think for a second she is angry with me.
After another moment, she reaches across to her laptop, pulling it closer and lifting its lid. Instead of SpareRoom.com on the screen, it is open tab after open tab with Google search results. Toni has apparently asked the internet the following questions:
‘Wait, what?’ I ask, staring at the computer. I re-read the different questions three more times to check I’m not misinterpreting anything, then I look up at my sister.
‘I’m desperate not to live with him!’ she says anxiously. ‘I couldn’t believe it when he asked me in front of everyone like that at Sonali’s birthday party! It was so humiliating and I could hardly say no or give him the brush-off, could I? Not that he’d listen.’ Her face darkens. ‘He never listens. He tells me all these tedious stories of work and the band, then when I try to tell him something about my day, he picks up his phone and completely ignores me. I think I’m just a receptacle for his speeches.’
‘That’s not… great,’ I admit, alarmed.
‘I hate him,’ she adds damningly.
‘That’s definitely not great,’ I say in a stronger tone.
‘Oh well,’ she shrugs and I regard her closer. ‘What other options do I have? I have to move in with him.’
‘What? No!’ I soften my tone. ‘You need to break up with him, Tone,’ I tell her gently and she laughs in surprise – then looks panicked.
‘But having someone I hate is better than having no one, isn’t it? I have a plus one for things. I have someone to pose with on Instagram.’ She pauses, before adding softly, ‘And you stayed with Daniel for years.’ I frown.
‘I thought I was happy though,’ I protest weakly. ‘You’re not happy.’
‘Sometimes I’m happy,’ she insists. ‘And it’s better than people feeling sorry for me on my own.’
I am outraged. ‘I never felt sorry for you!’ I tell her and she smiles nicely.
‘Mum did.’
‘You’ve been speaking to Celeste about Shawn?’
She nods. ‘Yes, and she’s been reminding me how important it is to focus on the bigger picture – that someone wants to be with me! I have to stop being so shallow, always overexamining the annoying little things. She said I’ll soon learn to ignore them or learn to like them. She said I need to give it a go.’
Oh my god, the absolute brainwashing. It’s horrendous!
I realize suddenly that it’s something we’ve grown up around; the idea that being single meant being some kind of failure. Mum has always pushed us to stick out our shitty relationships because it was better – as far as she was concerned – than being on your own. Toni is so brainwashed.
And so am I, a small voice inside reminds me.
I tried to leap straight from my relationship with Daniel into something with Zach. Then I tried to get straight into something with Mikey. And now? I think guiltily about the pathetic way I’ve been hanging around my phone since I saw Flo, hoping Zach might get in touch.
I need to retrain my brain. Being single isn’t something fearful and bad. Look at Diane! She loved it and chose it. My mum might be afraid of it, but she spends most of her life alone and does great. Being single should be brilliant and empowering. When I’ve allowed myself those times on my own, it’s been such a joy. Especially as an introvert. I’ve loved nothing more than shutting myself away of an evening; eating what I want, watching what I want, seeing my friends when I want, playing stupid games on my phone without judgement. I’ve got to know myself better and I realize I like me. It’s been great being single, so why do I keep resisting it?
I have to persuade Toni being single is not some kind of disease.
And Celeste.
‘Why didn’t you speak to me about all of this?’ I ask Toni thickly.
She looks sad. ‘I don’t know… I didn’t want you to think badly of Shawn. You seemed to like him so much. I didn’t want to upset you.’
‘I…’ I’m so shocked I stand up. Vaguely embarrassed at the drama of my reaction, I sit back down. ‘You think I like him?’ I ask faintly.
‘Of course,’ she laughs. ‘You guys are like besties. Shawn says he knows you better than I do these days.’
I swallow hard. ‘Er, Toni, I guess he’s grown on me a bit – he was helpful around MikeyGate – but otherwise’ – how do I phrase this? –‘I’m not that much of a fan.’
‘You’re not?’ she says, her eyebrows drawing together.
‘I’m really not,’ I emphasize perhaps a little too strongly.
‘Oh thank GOD,’ she shouts, her shoulders sagging. ‘Because I don’t just hate him, I really hate him. I was so worried you’d be upset with me!’
‘I kind of hate him, too!’ I tell her and she bursts out laughing, then frowns.
‘Do you know he has flatmates?’ She suddenly looks disgusted. ‘He talks constantly about how much money he makes, but lives with five students! He shares a bathroom with five hairy 18-year-olds. I know I shouldn’t judge someone for not being able to afford a flat because lord knows, it sure looks like I’ll never be able to, and I live with my mother for god’s sake. But he goes on and on about how much money he has and is constantly getting his clothes personalized, meanwhile he goes back to this hovel to hang out with a bunch of teenagers who smirk at each other whenever he says anything. It’s mortifying!’ She laughs again, relishing the horror of it. ‘Of course, that big money talk dried up once we started talking about flats. Suddenly I’m going to have to cover it all!’ She takes a deep breath, preparing herself for yet another rant. ‘And Jesus, Ginny, you should see his stand-up comedy! It’s so unfunny, I can’t stand it. It’s mainly him riffing about how un-PC he is, which he thinks makes him edgy or something. And I know I’m stupid and don’t get jokes, but I find it gross and offensive. He said one gay guy one time a few years ago told him he was funny, and that means he’s allowed to say anything he likes about any subject. Yeugh.’ She visibly shudders. ‘And he always steals my bread roll when we’re out to eat. Oh! And the last time we went out for dinner he asked if I’d pay half, and I said yes of course because I always have, and then he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher. Which means I paid for my half so he could get his for free. He’s awful.’
‘Yeugh!’ I echo her guttural noise. ‘Toni, please dump him!’
She looks anxious. ‘You really think I can?’
‘Of course!’ I sigh. ‘Tone, were you really miserable when you were single?’
She considers my question, thinking back. ‘No,’ she admits at last, shaking her head. ‘Not at all, actually. I loved having time to myself. I really love having my own space as well. I quite enjoyed dating and playing the field, and it didn’t bother me that the dates never went anywhere. I liked going home to my own life and doing whatever I wanted.’
‘Then don’t think about it anymore!’ I instruct, shouting the next part as joyfully as I can: ‘DUMP HIM!!!’
She laughs hard and shouts back, ‘I AM GOING TO DUMP SHAWN!’
It is as we both fall about laughing that we notice a towering figure in the doorway.
Celeste. And her face is absolute thunder.
Oh, shit.